Moving On

I realized that I focus more on my life and aspects of growing and moving forward than on my ex now.  Yea!! That is progress.  I know that healing and living a whole life is not about how I was wronged at any point in my life.  It is about how I take what God is continuing to do and keep moving on in that.
Life lately has had some harsh realities.  But has had even more blessings than I know how to share.  I work.  At a job that is good for me.  That is huge.  I have a home.  That is warm.  I get to turn up the heat and stay warm now...I used to have to freeze in my house....even when I was wearing layers I was cold.  I can sleep.  The nightmares are abating.  Very rare now.  And, the daytime fears and traumas that send me under the covers are lessening slowly too.  And though this blood clot thing has really thrown me....other aspects of my health are good as I eat better and have a better routine of sleep and work.  Money wise, this month I have more than five dollars left at the end of the month.  The previous months I was down to less than a dollar....AND this month, I even have a few dollars left in my pocket and have change in my piggy bank.  I have enough...and I am learning again how much of a blessing it is to let God take care of me.  To not buy into the world's view that I have to do so myself.  That God's idea of an investment and the world's are not exactly the same.  And that the best way to spend money is different for each person.  Thoughtfully.  Prayerfully.  Thankfully.  With the knowledge that the money is just passing though our hands as a means of God to grow us, meet our needs and the needs of others.  It's not magic.  It's not security.  It's just a thing.  Something to share. With kindness and grace.  Like our love.  Our time.  Our lives.  God gives all.  I am learning how to stand.  To be strong.  Even when there's nobody around to cheer me on.  I'm learning that God knows how to meet my needs even when that empty spot causes me pain.  And I'm learning that pain is just a part of healing.  Whether it's physical or emotional.  It just has to hurt sometimes.  I'm learning that I'm vulnerable.  Tonight I saw a call on my phone and thought that I'd missed a call from someone when I was bathing.  I was practically giddy.  I know...pathetic, right?  But the saddest part was how I realized it was an old call.....just was on a different menu.  And....I was embarrassed, sitting there all by myself, that I had been momentarily jolted to excitement by the fact that there had been a call.  Pretty sad, I guess.  But I have to say that it's not like it was.  I am better about it.  Slowly, I am finding my way to be able to release people from my dependence.  I am learning about being inter-dependent....and I am learning that it is how I really function best, but that most people don't feel comfortable there.  Most of the world seems to vacillate from dependent to independent but never interdependent.  I can stand on my own...but I don't need to.  I have nothing to prove.
Mostly, the biggest thing, the overwhelming gift....has been grace....and freedom.  the grace God gave to free me of the painful, draining, unkind and debilitating part of my life.  And while some don't understand.  And even more, can't possibly agree....I know.  It is my testimony.  I have been freed.  Because He is gracious to me.
I am moving on.  Walking forward.  Learning as I go.  New ground.  Untraveled.  Scary.  And yet, exciting too.  Overcoming fear.  Finding my voice.  My purpose.  In this time and place.
Never alone.  Though....being my tactile self, sometimes I long for those with skin on.  I will nonetheless keep walking.  Keep finding joy.  Keep choosing peace.  I am choosing a new life.  It is much like......being reborn.
blessings.