I have had a hard time finishing talking about anything. I quit when I really just want to blather on. Some things really are hard in the here and now. It's hard that my husband invited one of my sons out to eat on my other son's birthday. It's hard that he also asked him on the day that we usually would celebrate my son's birthday....Sunday....to go out too. It's hard that he used one son to take the other son his birthday card. Son who has a birthday hadn't opened it yet...hopefully he will. What my friend told me about how I've withdrawn from her...how I'm not being what she needs....I want to work it out. But instead, if I say anything, I mention them. I have difficulty because though I feel a need to talk it out until I'm done, I also feel a sense of commitment to others to just drop it. It's huge for me to get up the courage to mention it. When talking about my ex, I just feel stupid, like it's old news and nobody wants to hear it.
But, I come here. I barf it all out. It's good to share. To say. To try to get past the crazy feeling. And it's really hard.
Did I ruin everyone else's lives because I made a decision to set a boundary? To tell him that I was done with being treated as he treated me? Dunno. I don't think it should.
But my favorite holiday is coming and I wonder...would people be happier if I invited him? And is it selfish that I just feel like I CAN'T...not that I won't. Last year was the hardest ever. I was so done. I was so hurt. I could barely function. And I had to do it with him there. I'm not wanting to repeat it. But, what is sad is that if everyone else needs it then I feel like I should do it anyway. I put that pressure on myself. However, though I feel it, I am letting it go rather than acting on it. I don't need the stress. Not at all. Not in any way.
I need time to laugh. Time to be silly. Time to be allowed to just live. To just say what I need to without the constant overriding sense that it's not appropriate. I need to know that I'm allowed.
I am lonely for connection that doesn't involve having to filter. I'm tired of filtering. I just want to speak up. I want to not care. And yet...the woman that i really want to be........cares. So, it's a conundrum.
Yesterday, I came out of the cave for a few. But, it's just so hard. Doesn't feel like anyone would want to take the time to sit through my finishing what I have to say. It doesn't feel pretty. It doesn't feel like they should have to.
So, I get up in the middle of the night and write. And I imagine what it would be like to have someone to talk to at that moment. To say how hurtful it is to have been there through the years for others. And to feel so very alone now. I don't mean that anyone is mean...just that there's not a soul who I can call at times like this...in the middle of the night.
Guess I just need a hug. Maybe not to speak at all. And that's why I'm here. Because it's always as if I don't deserve to be comforted because I decided to be here.
But the thing is that I didn't decide for him to be such a mean jerk. I didn't decide that I would invest so much time in someone who would take advantage rather than also invest in me. I didn't decidethat he would suddenly become ultra church dude. I didn't decide that he would become Disney dad. And I certainly didn't decide that he would use things that should have drawn closer as power. Bottom line is that he really hurt me. And for many years, that hurt lay dormant and pushed under. But, letting it out in this realness...well, it hurts. It makes me suffer through it. It's really hard.
And really good.
Even if others don't like who I am...I am remembering her. Sensing her coming back to life. And even if it doesn't make others all happy...well....I still want to know and remember the real me. The one who went away in fear and silence. I am funny. I am fun. I am silly. I am honest. I am full of life. But I am stuck again. All because someone close doesn't get that I need to be gently carried for awhile. And when I try to say, it becomes a competition of how bad our lives are. And I've made a differnt choice than her. I get that. She is most likely a better woman for it. But I was being destroyed by my ex. And though I don't know how to tell people without giving exact examples and being way too blunt......I know that it's true.
I just want for there to be a remnant of friends. Of people. That stand by me. That hear me. That seek me out. That feel like I'm worth it right where and how I am. Even when I can't try any harder. When I'm a mess. I need to be able to be a mess sometimes. But instead, I have to be a mess in my cave of I am offensive. I really don't want to be offensive. I want to uplift and help. I'm just....weary. On so many fronts. I want to be a blessing. Just as I am.
I will laugh again. I will frolic. I will be crazy and silly. But I need to be heard for who I am. Not for who people want me to be for them.
I am going to find my way back. And if it has to be done in a cave, so be it....beautiful butterflies gotta first develop in a cocoon. But I am not giving up. I am not giving in. He was not what they see. I am kind. I am a good friend. I know it.....though I may not be exhibiting it too well right now. I know that I AM.
And what my friend said hurt me deeply. It wasn't even just the words. It was the idea that I had let her down. That she had been hurt. That I wasn't being enough for her. Hmmmm......if I turned that around, if I said the same to her.....it would be devastating. I wouldn't do it. But the thing is that though I have tried to tell her, tried to explain, tried to let her into my hurt...she hasn't embraced the fact that I am wounded. She only sees her own hurt.
That is my "problem"...even in the midst of everything, I see others. I even see my ex. I see how I could make htings better. For him. I am feeling. I am perceptive. I get it. It makes it hard when people don't get me.
Ok, I feel more done talking now. Like I get that I'm really hurt. That in my already being wounded, I have a sense that I've been supposed to make it ok for others. To keep holding them up. And that I am and have been a disappointment. But...the thing is....I don't believe that I am. I believe that I am in a growing place. Those who love me....really love ME and not just what I do for them....will wait it out. They will invite me out of the cave. They will sit with me when I have to get out the bleck. The others will fade. Not because I wish them to, but because I can't hold onto both selves. I am going to have to give up that one that evolved to survive the hard times. I'm going to have to let the real me take over. And that transition will drive some away. And so I keep hesitating. Holding back. And therein lies a lot of pain.
I'm smiling again though. That man really did a number on my heart. I have a gentle heart. Even though I'm way too matter of fact sometimes. In my matter of factness is deep love. I love people how they are. Not how I wish they were. I have a way of seeing who they are. How they are. Why they are. I need to turn that gift on myself. I need to see the beauty in me. I need to not be invisible to myself. Even if I'm in a cave while I sort it out so that others can be more comfortable.
Thanks for listening. I needed that.
Ok, so it is a little less than satisfying to talk to the unknowns....yet, God just keeps telling me that there's a reason. That we all need to learn to work these things out for real...not just pretending to have it together. He doesn't need my pretense. He really and for true loves me. My friend jarred me out of that safe place for awhile. But I remember again....even when I'm not a bit helpful and even when I have nothing to offer....He loves me. Wholly and completely. Seems like friends should remind us of that. Not tear us down because we are feeling weak.
blessings.
But, I come here. I barf it all out. It's good to share. To say. To try to get past the crazy feeling. And it's really hard.
Did I ruin everyone else's lives because I made a decision to set a boundary? To tell him that I was done with being treated as he treated me? Dunno. I don't think it should.
But my favorite holiday is coming and I wonder...would people be happier if I invited him? And is it selfish that I just feel like I CAN'T...not that I won't. Last year was the hardest ever. I was so done. I was so hurt. I could barely function. And I had to do it with him there. I'm not wanting to repeat it. But, what is sad is that if everyone else needs it then I feel like I should do it anyway. I put that pressure on myself. However, though I feel it, I am letting it go rather than acting on it. I don't need the stress. Not at all. Not in any way.
I need time to laugh. Time to be silly. Time to be allowed to just live. To just say what I need to without the constant overriding sense that it's not appropriate. I need to know that I'm allowed.
I am lonely for connection that doesn't involve having to filter. I'm tired of filtering. I just want to speak up. I want to not care. And yet...the woman that i really want to be........cares. So, it's a conundrum.
Yesterday, I came out of the cave for a few. But, it's just so hard. Doesn't feel like anyone would want to take the time to sit through my finishing what I have to say. It doesn't feel pretty. It doesn't feel like they should have to.
So, I get up in the middle of the night and write. And I imagine what it would be like to have someone to talk to at that moment. To say how hurtful it is to have been there through the years for others. And to feel so very alone now. I don't mean that anyone is mean...just that there's not a soul who I can call at times like this...in the middle of the night.
Guess I just need a hug. Maybe not to speak at all. And that's why I'm here. Because it's always as if I don't deserve to be comforted because I decided to be here.
But the thing is that I didn't decide for him to be such a mean jerk. I didn't decide that I would invest so much time in someone who would take advantage rather than also invest in me. I didn't decidethat he would suddenly become ultra church dude. I didn't decide that he would become Disney dad. And I certainly didn't decide that he would use things that should have drawn closer as power. Bottom line is that he really hurt me. And for many years, that hurt lay dormant and pushed under. But, letting it out in this realness...well, it hurts. It makes me suffer through it. It's really hard.
And really good.
Even if others don't like who I am...I am remembering her. Sensing her coming back to life. And even if it doesn't make others all happy...well....I still want to know and remember the real me. The one who went away in fear and silence. I am funny. I am fun. I am silly. I am honest. I am full of life. But I am stuck again. All because someone close doesn't get that I need to be gently carried for awhile. And when I try to say, it becomes a competition of how bad our lives are. And I've made a differnt choice than her. I get that. She is most likely a better woman for it. But I was being destroyed by my ex. And though I don't know how to tell people without giving exact examples and being way too blunt......I know that it's true.
I just want for there to be a remnant of friends. Of people. That stand by me. That hear me. That seek me out. That feel like I'm worth it right where and how I am. Even when I can't try any harder. When I'm a mess. I need to be able to be a mess sometimes. But instead, I have to be a mess in my cave of I am offensive. I really don't want to be offensive. I want to uplift and help. I'm just....weary. On so many fronts. I want to be a blessing. Just as I am.
I will laugh again. I will frolic. I will be crazy and silly. But I need to be heard for who I am. Not for who people want me to be for them.
I am going to find my way back. And if it has to be done in a cave, so be it....beautiful butterflies gotta first develop in a cocoon. But I am not giving up. I am not giving in. He was not what they see. I am kind. I am a good friend. I know it.....though I may not be exhibiting it too well right now. I know that I AM.
And what my friend said hurt me deeply. It wasn't even just the words. It was the idea that I had let her down. That she had been hurt. That I wasn't being enough for her. Hmmmm......if I turned that around, if I said the same to her.....it would be devastating. I wouldn't do it. But the thing is that though I have tried to tell her, tried to explain, tried to let her into my hurt...she hasn't embraced the fact that I am wounded. She only sees her own hurt.
That is my "problem"...even in the midst of everything, I see others. I even see my ex. I see how I could make htings better. For him. I am feeling. I am perceptive. I get it. It makes it hard when people don't get me.
Ok, I feel more done talking now. Like I get that I'm really hurt. That in my already being wounded, I have a sense that I've been supposed to make it ok for others. To keep holding them up. And that I am and have been a disappointment. But...the thing is....I don't believe that I am. I believe that I am in a growing place. Those who love me....really love ME and not just what I do for them....will wait it out. They will invite me out of the cave. They will sit with me when I have to get out the bleck. The others will fade. Not because I wish them to, but because I can't hold onto both selves. I am going to have to give up that one that evolved to survive the hard times. I'm going to have to let the real me take over. And that transition will drive some away. And so I keep hesitating. Holding back. And therein lies a lot of pain.
I'm smiling again though. That man really did a number on my heart. I have a gentle heart. Even though I'm way too matter of fact sometimes. In my matter of factness is deep love. I love people how they are. Not how I wish they were. I have a way of seeing who they are. How they are. Why they are. I need to turn that gift on myself. I need to see the beauty in me. I need to not be invisible to myself. Even if I'm in a cave while I sort it out so that others can be more comfortable.
Thanks for listening. I needed that.
Ok, so it is a little less than satisfying to talk to the unknowns....yet, God just keeps telling me that there's a reason. That we all need to learn to work these things out for real...not just pretending to have it together. He doesn't need my pretense. He really and for true loves me. My friend jarred me out of that safe place for awhile. But I remember again....even when I'm not a bit helpful and even when I have nothing to offer....He loves me. Wholly and completely. Seems like friends should remind us of that. Not tear us down because we are feeling weak.
blessings.
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