Well, it occurred to me today that in order to not appear pathetic over the holiday that perhaps I should make a plan to do something. So, I am working on it. Thinking on it. Deciding if I really want to be gone. I'm not sure that I do, but I am sure that I don't want to be that pathetic single. I'm not like most that I know that have family to embrace them if they spend their holidays without their kids. No parents to commiserate with me. So, I'll vacation hunt. I'll make a good move toward releasing others. I am finding that the more space they have, the more they want. Someone questioned my lack of being friendly to her today. I was.....absolutely shocked. It came from someone who never calls me nor asks how I am. Who I feel is dear to me but have decided that my "stuff" is just too hard for her. I managed to get out that I assumed that because she never called that I was being needy and that I'm trying to improve upon that. And that I'm working at not crossing boundaries. Shocked me...and maybe her...that I said that. But, it brings tears. That there is no seeing me. No getting the idea that maybe I should get to be needy for a bit. Not getting at all how hard all of this has been. She is married. Most unhappily. Most unkindly. She behaves as if my situation harms her. As if somehow she is making something work and I didn't. But she hates the one to whom she remains "committed". And I wonder why it hurts her so much to try to understand where I am. Why she can't just give me some understanding. Some kindness regarding the fact that sometimes I don't have what it takes to hold everyone together. Which...frankly, I said. I told her I feel as if I am supposed to be the glue. The one who does the connecting. The reaching. And...I just can't. And I'm figuring out that if that is the case then probably they don't really want to be friends. Not close friends. At least not right now.
It was kind of a rough afternoon of talking. She felt better because she told me how she felt. I felt disheartened.
Yes, I guess that I should find someplace to go. Though holing up in my house might suit ME, it may be painful as the days go by and the only time I'm ever contacted is when there is necessity. I have made many mistakes. It's rather sad. I know they are caring people. Perhaps I'm just not the one that they can handle being around any more. And I don't have it in me to start all over for the moment. No mama to cry to.
I'll look for a cheap trip and disappear for awhile. It will make me sad, I think...but at least I won't feel pathetic. At least I'll get to have some dignity. That will be nice. Because lately, I feel like I'm pretty much last on every list.
blessings.
It was kind of a rough afternoon of talking. She felt better because she told me how she felt. I felt disheartened.
Yes, I guess that I should find someplace to go. Though holing up in my house might suit ME, it may be painful as the days go by and the only time I'm ever contacted is when there is necessity. I have made many mistakes. It's rather sad. I know they are caring people. Perhaps I'm just not the one that they can handle being around any more. And I don't have it in me to start all over for the moment. No mama to cry to.
I'll look for a cheap trip and disappear for awhile. It will make me sad, I think...but at least I won't feel pathetic. At least I'll get to have some dignity. That will be nice. Because lately, I feel like I'm pretty much last on every list.
blessings.
What a peach. This woman doesn't want to be burdened by your situations and yet whines to you and expects you to be there for her? Throw her to the curb. She's nothing but a blood sucker. I know, you are too respectful to be as brutally honest as me in this post. She's miserable and has no hope for her future. Throw her to the CURB!
ReplyDeletehahahaha. you make me laugh. i needed that!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are laughing. Me? I'm sorta mad. Mad that this woman had the odacity to imply you were responsible to maintain something with her and actually state that you were behaving in an unfriendly manner. She is an ignoramous. No, she is a pathetic, bloood sucking, unhappy, gutless ignoramous who is jealous that you could do what she cannot. I'm mad. I'm defensive of you. Let me be mad at her and allow me the opportunity to ask you to never give anything more to this woman again. ICK!
ReplyDeleteI feel honored to be "protected". It's a novelty these days....and has been, actually. I am a fiercely loyal person....and friend. That's why I can't understand why people don't see how long and how hard things must have been before I told my ex...."I'm done". Weird, isn't it? I appreciate you. I am bolstered by your indignation.
DeleteI think that the friend is insecure. Needing to be the one that is sought out. But, I didn't let her off the hook. I explained that I had tried calling. That I had tried making arrangements and that she was the one who had withdrawn. And she agreed. But still didn't get that it's not all on me to hold it together. I think because I "failed" in the marriage and it is such a great inconvenience and because it's always hard when people knew both of us,I'm supposed to feel guilty and work harder. However...well....I just am feeling like I need to learn a different lesson. Like when people aren't interested then I need to let go. If I am never a part of their plan then why do I constantly put into them anyway? Because of the past. Because I don't give up easily on relationships. The good news about this realization is that is confirms the kind of person I am. That I didn't frivolously end my marriage. The bad news is that I really dislike the idea of going out and starting all over. Time will help. blessings.