This cave dweller peeked her head out this afternoon. She has been hiding recently. Alone in the cave. Unsure. Troubled by how she is perceived. The friend that let her know how the cave dweller had hurt her and hadn't been open enough or able to share enough...that friend hurt her. More than the cave dweller knew. But today, a friend came along. And the cave dweller was awkward and troubled. Unable to decide. Hurting. And without the recourse of simply telling what was wrong. The cave dweller knew that sharing about a friend would be strange. So, she struggled. She tried to stay in her cave. But, the friend invited her out with a smile. Coaxed her with food. Took the time to look at her. Took the time to wait. And finally...the cave dweller began to tell how she was hurt and how she felt like a failure because she wants to be a good friend but she has let one of her closer friends down. And the cave dweller knew in that moment how deeply wounded she had been. How the tears were just about to overwhelm. It was a few moments. A blessed, treasured time...the cave dweller stood in the sun. But, she retreated back as she realized how rude it was to pull someone else in. How unkind. How divisive. For a moment, it felt like a relief to feel the sun. To hope that she could live there. But then she remembered. The cave was safer. Because really she doesn't seem to have the skills to walk with the others. To hold things together. She is wounded. She is injured. She is damaged. She is not who she was. And....that hurts others. And because she hates hurting others, she'd rather retreat to her cave. To live quietly. Until she can function again. Until her garbage doesn't hurt the people she cares about.
It's a sad place for her. Feeling needy and yet also feeling protective of those she cares for. And feeling like she doesn't have the right to claim or influence. Her heart aches that she has failed so. She is awkward. She needs a hug or encouragement but can't even figure out how to say what she needs anymore. Yep. The cave. The safety of the blankets. Of quiet. Of not interacting. No risk of failing. No risk of hurting those she cares about. She may hurt or be lonely...but at least she won't feel like a failure. And that she did. When she heard the words from her friend she knew that she had failed to be a good friend. Had failed in who she wants to be.
In that moment, her heart quaked. And cracked. Broken in a new way. That he stole yet another part of her life. That his behavior of seeking out those close to her had caused her to have to pull back which in turn had offended....which....once finally told to the cave dweller, caused her to look for a deeper place to hide.
What is sad is that this cave dweller loves the sun. She longs to dance in the flowers and sing under the moon. But....she is afraid. She is awkward. She feels uncertain and unencouraged. She hasn't hear in a very long time a good word. She longs for validation. For uplifting. It's really pretty pathetic. But, she goes back in her cave to renew and get ready for the day that maybe she will be asked back out again. This time was hard...she realized that she should not have spoken. But, maybe next time she'll get it right.
Maybe. Or maybe, she'll just build a fire, snuggle in her covers, grab a book and enjoy her cave. Maybe some people are just supposed to be cave dwellers. That way they don't screw stuff up. Why oh why is it so easy for some people to have everyone like them and so hard for others to have anyone give a damn. I don't know. Really. And that's probably the problem. Because just when I think that I'm doing better, getting stronger....it's like I get slapped with hearing that I'm not doing well. That I'm not being a good friend or meeting needs well enough.
And maybe just being in the cave is easier than feeling like a disappointment. Than feeling ashamed that I'm not as likable as others. Frankly....it's kind of hurtful. Because I wonder how it is that I screw that up so much when I really desire and try to be kind. When I really want to be there for others even when my own life hurts. I don't get it. And there's nobody saying, "there, there...you are just fine." So, I'm thinking....."wait, I really must not be the one people need. I am the one they want to do things but not the one that makes them feel good."
Today, I entrusted a bit of these thoughts to someone. But I couldn't begin to share my shame without breaking down in the restaurant. How do you tell someone that you are a screw up and that you wish that you weren't? How do you say that you wish that you had been lovable? That you fear that you will never find a safe place for your heart. I don't know how. Not without making someone feel that they have to be there out of guilt. And that would suck worse than not being there.
I didn't realize until today how hard it had hit me. I knew it had hurt me to hear her words. I didn't realize that it had kicked my butt. Again. That it had stolen my ability to feel confident or comfortable around people. Because I obviously often think that things are fine when they aren't. How I'll ever get it remains a mystery.
I think that me and my introverted self should just decorate the cave in a comfy way and call it good.
grace to you.
It's a sad place for her. Feeling needy and yet also feeling protective of those she cares for. And feeling like she doesn't have the right to claim or influence. Her heart aches that she has failed so. She is awkward. She needs a hug or encouragement but can't even figure out how to say what she needs anymore. Yep. The cave. The safety of the blankets. Of quiet. Of not interacting. No risk of failing. No risk of hurting those she cares about. She may hurt or be lonely...but at least she won't feel like a failure. And that she did. When she heard the words from her friend she knew that she had failed to be a good friend. Had failed in who she wants to be.
In that moment, her heart quaked. And cracked. Broken in a new way. That he stole yet another part of her life. That his behavior of seeking out those close to her had caused her to have to pull back which in turn had offended....which....once finally told to the cave dweller, caused her to look for a deeper place to hide.
What is sad is that this cave dweller loves the sun. She longs to dance in the flowers and sing under the moon. But....she is afraid. She is awkward. She feels uncertain and unencouraged. She hasn't hear in a very long time a good word. She longs for validation. For uplifting. It's really pretty pathetic. But, she goes back in her cave to renew and get ready for the day that maybe she will be asked back out again. This time was hard...she realized that she should not have spoken. But, maybe next time she'll get it right.
Maybe. Or maybe, she'll just build a fire, snuggle in her covers, grab a book and enjoy her cave. Maybe some people are just supposed to be cave dwellers. That way they don't screw stuff up. Why oh why is it so easy for some people to have everyone like them and so hard for others to have anyone give a damn. I don't know. Really. And that's probably the problem. Because just when I think that I'm doing better, getting stronger....it's like I get slapped with hearing that I'm not doing well. That I'm not being a good friend or meeting needs well enough.
And maybe just being in the cave is easier than feeling like a disappointment. Than feeling ashamed that I'm not as likable as others. Frankly....it's kind of hurtful. Because I wonder how it is that I screw that up so much when I really desire and try to be kind. When I really want to be there for others even when my own life hurts. I don't get it. And there's nobody saying, "there, there...you are just fine." So, I'm thinking....."wait, I really must not be the one people need. I am the one they want to do things but not the one that makes them feel good."
Today, I entrusted a bit of these thoughts to someone. But I couldn't begin to share my shame without breaking down in the restaurant. How do you tell someone that you are a screw up and that you wish that you weren't? How do you say that you wish that you had been lovable? That you fear that you will never find a safe place for your heart. I don't know how. Not without making someone feel that they have to be there out of guilt. And that would suck worse than not being there.
I didn't realize until today how hard it had hit me. I knew it had hurt me to hear her words. I didn't realize that it had kicked my butt. Again. That it had stolen my ability to feel confident or comfortable around people. Because I obviously often think that things are fine when they aren't. How I'll ever get it remains a mystery.
I think that me and my introverted self should just decorate the cave in a comfy way and call it good.
grace to you.
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