The Struggle

letting go of my children comes slowly.  dealing with an addict.  dealing with the fact that one son has to spend the holidays not being loved on.  it's a hard day because of these things.  facing that i was married to someone who really wrote the words, "i'm going to see if two of the boys want to do something with me tonight," in response to my email that i planned on having thanksgiving all day with them.  two.  three are at home.  he was only talking about one of them.  and then the one that lives on his own.
not my daughter.  not the son that he doesn't speak to.  it is....disheartening.  truly.  a good reminder of why i don't long to be married to him.  but...it hurts me for my children.
and the addict?  he's in need of help.  desperately.  before he loses everything.  before he loses himself. and all i can do is love him.  and tell him to get his ass to n.a.  pronto.  he promised to go on friday.  we'll see.  i won't hate him.  i won't even be disappointed in him.  i will pray.  i will have the sense to be afraid for him.  for his marriage.  i spoke bluntly.  wore me out.  he didn't leave.  he knows.  he needs help.
it has been a difficult day.
i also am dealing with one son having no place to be on thanksgiving.  it makes me ache.  deeply.  tearfully.  i'm his mama and i won't know that he's having a good meal or even with people who care about him.  and it was hard because of how it happened.  sometimes i realize that the fact that hospitality is important to me doesn't mean that others understand it.  including.  bringing others in.  loving on them.  it is important to me.  desperately.  not leaving people without connection.  my family is a hodge podge of people that have collected together.  not just people that belong to the same gene pool.  i love my family.  this group of crazies that gets together with all of their issues and all of their pains.  they laugh.  they eat.  they show up.  it's good.
i've been stressed today.  not good for the blood clot/blood pressure.  probably did too much the last two days because it really hurts today.  my kids told me to go to bed....basically.  to rest.  i'm grumpy. i have things to do and don't know how to get them done and lay down.  but then i remember....it always gets done.  the whole point in my world is not doing perfectly or to gain praise.  but to do it out of love.  out of a sense of family.  so i'm going to rest.  tomorrow we'll whip up rolls.  we'll get it together.  it'll work fine.  i have people bringing more things than i can imagine.  it's going to be AWESOME!!  food.  friends.  family.  candles.  rest.  games.  food.  love.  yes, i know i said food twice.  
i will get past this feeling awful time.  i know i will.  but i think that i need to just give myself some time off first.  i put too much emotional stuff on the burners today.  gotta just spend time praying.  maybe vegging.  letting my heart feel better.
it is my first big holiday.  bound to be an adjustment.  in a good way too.
off to.......oh wait, not going anywhere, just gonna keep the heat on my let and lay here like a lump.  sounds good, doesn't it? ;)