Connections

There are connections in the world that I don't even understand.  People that God brings and nudges me to share my "story".  To open up a little bit.  And I'm learning to do it with kindness.  With healing in mind.  With the purpose of pointing to hope.  And peace.  And forgiveness.  AND truth.  I have come to a realization and am still coming to the realization that I can forgive.  And...that he is going to have to forgive me for my decision.  He won't like it.  He may hate it.  He may say that it's wrong.  But, I have decided.  He has to decide how to cope with it.  Just as I had to decide how to cope with his behavior in my life.  My choice.  I must forgive.  But I don't have to condone it with my presence.  I can truly forgive.  I can truly let go.  And while I still keep going back to self blame....I need to remember that he made choices.  He withheld basic things....compassion, understanding, hope, encouragement, being positive, being close, being kind...he held them back from me unless he was trying to get something from me.  Then, he would use them to show how good he was.  To "earn" something.  So, it wasn't about me, but about him.  It hurt.  A lot.  And I had trouble ever admitting that truth.  I just assumed that I wasn't good enough or worth it.  Eventually, that became my core belief.  And...I'm done living there.  Even if he changes.  For real.  For good.  I'm simply done and have let go.  And intend to live well.  To be healthy.  To give  To be kind.  To honor the God who made me.  And to do that, I have to allow Him to use my story.  But in truth.  Not in meanness or in trying to get attention nor get people on my side.  Because really....I can go without that.  But, because, people need connection.  They need to be heard for real.  The world needs to know how prevalent and insidious emotional abuse is.....INSIDE the church.  Inside christian families.  It needs to come out of the dark and into the light.  And....through connections that God brings, my story will be a part of that.
But my story must honor the woman that I choose to be.  Without malice.  I choose a new way of life.  I choose that he will hold no power over me anymore.  Not to make me angry or sad or hurt.  I choose how to feel and how to respond.  I choose how to live.  I still have breakdown moments.  Ok, sometimes days. :)  But, it is improving.  I am improving.  I am learning that I want something different than the same old ickiness.  And I'm not going to give into the ickiness while living apart.  I'm going to embrace something new.  It's difficult when I know that he does not forgive me.  That he is still acting the part of a victim.  That he is expressing to others that they should pray for me to change my mind.  For God to change my heart.  God has changed my heart.  From hatred.  From despair.  From hopelessness.  From unkind thoughts.  He has changed my heart TOWARDS MYSELF.  For the first time in a very long time, I am learning that I count.  And that I don't have to have a hard heart toward someone to say "enough".  That it's enough for me to just say it.  To mean it.  I will not yo yo back and forth.  I am steadfast.  It wasn't a threat.  It wasn't manipulation.  I wanted out.  He doesn't view his behavior as abusive....but I do.  I hope that he figures out why it matters more how it made me feel than how he thought he was behaving.  But I don't know that he ever will.  And I can't worry upon that.
Connections keep coming.  And slowly, the flower of my story blooms.  I want it be used as something fragile and beautiful.  Something true.  Not something to simply vent about.
blessings.