breach

i feel...violated.  something happened today and it was enough that i really needed a friend.  really needed...as in....i just need to talk this out for a bit.  but, i called and nobody answered...which, in this day of all of our cell phones is not unusual.  but, i decided that it was desperate enough that i was going to stop by and see if i could have some time with her.  i got about a third of the way down her street when i saw my ex in her yard trimming trees.  i arranged to be the one to take care of the house because i didn't want to have to face that.  but, it is a fact of life.  he is able to do that.  and i do not get a choice. period.  except to change where i go.
he wrote and mailed me a letter.  it is very nice.  really.  but it simply feels manipulative.  bottom line....i don't trust him.  he doesn't do what i ask or take heed of what i say i need.  he still doesn't hear me.  but, he is sorry and he did flatter me.  so, now i'm not supposed to convert the legal separation to a divorce in two weeks.  because he's sorry.  because he is praying for us to be restored.  because he is praying.  because he sees how he did wrong things.  what he fails to realize is what he did to me TODAY.  what he did to me regarding christmas.  what he does when he refuses to understand what i have said over an over.  that he doesn't know or realize that we have been divorced for a very long time.  it's not  about the signed piece of paper.  i was....injured by the fact that he said how he needed forgiveness and didn't expect anything and then went on to talk about what decisions i was going to make regarding our marital status.  he flattered me to get me to soften up.  i recognize his cycle now.  has to be nice to me.  has to tell me how good i am......all the while, knowing that he has made plans to go to my friend's house.  i told him that was hard for me.  even a long time ago.  but somehow, it doesn't matter.  it doesn't matter to anyone that it destroys me every time.  i'm just so...emotional about it.  sad.  angry.  hurt.  furious.  wounded.  troubled.
then, in the midst of it all...a friend's ex called my cell and pretended like he didn't know who i was while he proceeded to yell at me about having dialed his phone five times.  four of which were yesterday.i hadn't.  i couldn't even have butt dialed.  because my phone wasn't even on me.  it was in my purse in my desk at school.  sometimes verizon has those glitches where it looks like a call is coming from someone else.  I told him who I was.  He continued on and acted like I was a complete stranger.  it was bizarre.
but i am getting stronger.  while i am on my bed right now, i am not going to let it take away my whole day.  getting yelled at was actually easier than the nice letter.  i despise the letter.
and i despise that i am expected to share my friend with him.  i needed her today.  and now i feel.....breached.  uncomfortable.  stupid for having to thought of going over there without making arrangements.  you know, i don't go about making arrangements with his friends.  i don't offer to drive them places or clean their houses or make them meals.  i don't manufacture ways to be in their lives so that i can somehow get information or feel better that they are also my friend.  i let go of some people. people that are now his crowd.  he won't do that.  because he knows that the one way to get to me is through people i care about.
and tonight is a winter parade that the kids are in.  that he has arrangements with them afterwards.  but i never got a text or email saying so.  he's going.  going to be there with my grandkids and eldest son.  then going to take the other kids and go.  never offered to drive the kids.  ever mentioned that he would be there.  assumed i would take care of arrangements and he would show up.
i wish that i would get past thinking bad words in my head.  but that's just how it is right now.  he is a meanie head.  even if others only see the sugar coating.