inhale

having a hard time getting a breath in this early morning.  kids leave today.  yet, on the other hand, a strange sense of relief...of not constantly waiting for the painful thing to happen.  i'm really glad that they will all be together.  my one son went early and has been facing the questioning/bullying all on his own.  i hate that.  i hate that by me being free from their dad that his relatives want to make it hard on them.  that they don't want to just love on, but to find blame.  because i am the one that they find blame with.  i know that my kids might not be strong enough to stand for me.  my husband never did.  it hurts to realize that i have to let go of that.  that i have to risk that they will buy into the mean things that they hear.  it's painful at best.
but, it'll be time to get on with life after i drop off my son at the airport.  i was going to try to race back and see my other kids off, but i'm not sure that i can do it.  and i don't want to make it back when their dad is in the driveway.  we all said goodbye last night.  hugged.  loved on each other.
i didn't interact as much as i thought i would be able to.  had to keep holding my breath.  had to hold back the intense emotions.  there was even anger there.  just needed to keep it all in check until they were out the door.  not anger at them.  anger at the fact that their dad was so rude about all of this and yet is getting all of the credit.
ok, gotta get cleaned up and go to the airport with my son.  you know, my ex could have offered to take him.  but, he is so very self centered.  my other kids are getting up early and he said he might be late.  i find that so rude...."get up and wait until i can make it."  oh well.  bottom line is that they will have a good time.
now.  breathe.  in.  ouch.  long time passes.......oh wait, don't hold your breath.  out.   time passes.  come on, pull in another breath.
it's hard.
blessings.