In the wee hours in the stage between exhaustion and sleep...after dropping my son at the airport for a very early morning flight..I composed a tongue in cheek Christmas letter to send out to all.
It isn't full of political correctness nor concern for people's feelings. It is simply what I wanted to blurt out. :)
Dear All,
Happy Christmas to you and a great New Year as well.
2012 has been a very busy and fulfilling year in my life. I determined last Christmas to make some changes. I entered the New Year of 2012 with some goals. One of them was to find a way to breathe again. Life had become completely unbearable as my marriage has never been fulfilling nor satisfying. As a matter of fact, it has been painful and degrading. My marriage has taken so much more from me personally than it ever gave to me. Except for my kids. They were worth every moment. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
In March, I filed for a legal separation. For those of you who don't know, it is a termination of marriage but without the benefit of being able to remarry. I don't really care about remarrying. As a matter of fact, at this point in time, the thought makes me shudder. I tried to hard for so long. I prayed. I hoped. I wanted to be who he needed or wanted. But somehow, it was always an epic fail. He likes to be disappointed. And worried. And a victim. But, while legal separation is not called divorce, it is a dissolution of marriage.
I also chose this because my ex holds religious beliefs about divorce that meant he would have fought if I pursued a divorce. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to go against his convictions. Though I find them hilarious...what difference does it make if you aren't divorced if you are hateful and judgemental and far from one another? But, nonetheless, I chose the former.
Now, as the year ends, a divorce is available to me without having to go back to court. I think that it will be what I do in the New Year. Because, you see, my ex has used the fact that we aren't divorced against me. He has behaved to others as if things are fine. As if I have left him with the idea that we are getting back together. Not happening Not ever. No thank you. It was abusive and mean in the first place. I will never go back.
And so, this letter comes to say that I have appreciated the time that you have been in my life. However, I realize that some of you will have a problem with the fact that I am done being married and am moving forward. This is a letter to let you know that as a gift, I will drop your name from my email or mail list if you want me to if you only let me know. You don't have to say why. I understand that it's difficult. But, what some of you don't seem to understand is that it's difficult for me too. I have spent all of these months making it with very little emotional support. I have walked a rough journey. But I am stronger now. And, not further from God. I had to learn that God does not see me as simply a failure, but as one whom He loves. I am learning to walk in His grace. And you might ask why I don't offer that grace and forgiveness ot my ex. I do. Wholeheartedly. But not with the assumption that forgiveness means that I care to reconcile or to even pursue such. Nope. It's just not happening. I've heard his I'm sorries for years. I've seen him weep. But what I haven't seen is his care for others. He was extremely self centered in our family life. In this time, I hope to offer to our children a better relationship with him as they have to forge their own relationship without leaning on my as an interpreter
You will see him I'm sure. And talk to him. And being his friend may be what you choose. But please understand that I don't desire to be convinced by you. If you need to walk away, then do so without trying to guilt me. I am done with the guilt. I am quite good enough at feeling guilty all on my own.
You may see me as selfish. But I want you to know that I am not. Not at all. My kids are gone from me this holiday because I am quite the opposite. Because I gave my in laws the best gift ever...the one that costs me everything...the holidays with my kids. I paid to get three of them there. The others rode with their dad. I gave in a manner that was like ripping out my heart. And, I gift him every time I encourage them to see him. To talk to him. To build a relationship that is strong. I am no saint. I honestly think that he's an ass. But he's their dad. And I honor that. Though he often does not.
This year HAS been eventful. I am finally telling the truth...my marriage was broken for a very long time. It had died. I am finally laying it to rest. Maybe it was never really alive. I feel like I spent my entire life giving it CPR. And this is the best year I've had in a very long time. The hardest and yet, in paradox, the most deeply satisfying. No blame. I am responsible for the woman God expects me to become. No blaming the ex. No holding back. Going forward.
You have touched my life. I realize that from here our paths may diverge. I just want you to know that I wish you the very best. I am thankful for you. And I understand why it might be too hard to stay. It's not pretty. It's not easy. It's scary and it's messy. But...it is truth. And it is time for me to stop covering for his bad behavior. So...I am. Way back when I decided that I would part from him, I knew that I might lose all of my friends. I have lost many. But, I have gained back the ability to be the woman that can stand up. That can love her kids. That can laugh wholeheartedly. That can think of a future with hope and joy and not fear and sickness.
I am happy. Not all healed yet. But healing. I am moving forward. I am working. I am learning. I am praying.
I hope that this coming year...and all of the future ones.....is satisfying and full of blessings that you are aware of and thankful for.
With lots of love.
grace.
It isn't full of political correctness nor concern for people's feelings. It is simply what I wanted to blurt out. :)
Dear All,
Happy Christmas to you and a great New Year as well.
2012 has been a very busy and fulfilling year in my life. I determined last Christmas to make some changes. I entered the New Year of 2012 with some goals. One of them was to find a way to breathe again. Life had become completely unbearable as my marriage has never been fulfilling nor satisfying. As a matter of fact, it has been painful and degrading. My marriage has taken so much more from me personally than it ever gave to me. Except for my kids. They were worth every moment. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
In March, I filed for a legal separation. For those of you who don't know, it is a termination of marriage but without the benefit of being able to remarry. I don't really care about remarrying. As a matter of fact, at this point in time, the thought makes me shudder. I tried to hard for so long. I prayed. I hoped. I wanted to be who he needed or wanted. But somehow, it was always an epic fail. He likes to be disappointed. And worried. And a victim. But, while legal separation is not called divorce, it is a dissolution of marriage.
I also chose this because my ex holds religious beliefs about divorce that meant he would have fought if I pursued a divorce. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to go against his convictions. Though I find them hilarious...what difference does it make if you aren't divorced if you are hateful and judgemental and far from one another? But, nonetheless, I chose the former.
Now, as the year ends, a divorce is available to me without having to go back to court. I think that it will be what I do in the New Year. Because, you see, my ex has used the fact that we aren't divorced against me. He has behaved to others as if things are fine. As if I have left him with the idea that we are getting back together. Not happening Not ever. No thank you. It was abusive and mean in the first place. I will never go back.
And so, this letter comes to say that I have appreciated the time that you have been in my life. However, I realize that some of you will have a problem with the fact that I am done being married and am moving forward. This is a letter to let you know that as a gift, I will drop your name from my email or mail list if you want me to if you only let me know. You don't have to say why. I understand that it's difficult. But, what some of you don't seem to understand is that it's difficult for me too. I have spent all of these months making it with very little emotional support. I have walked a rough journey. But I am stronger now. And, not further from God. I had to learn that God does not see me as simply a failure, but as one whom He loves. I am learning to walk in His grace. And you might ask why I don't offer that grace and forgiveness ot my ex. I do. Wholeheartedly. But not with the assumption that forgiveness means that I care to reconcile or to even pursue such. Nope. It's just not happening. I've heard his I'm sorries for years. I've seen him weep. But what I haven't seen is his care for others. He was extremely self centered in our family life. In this time, I hope to offer to our children a better relationship with him as they have to forge their own relationship without leaning on my as an interpreter
You will see him I'm sure. And talk to him. And being his friend may be what you choose. But please understand that I don't desire to be convinced by you. If you need to walk away, then do so without trying to guilt me. I am done with the guilt. I am quite good enough at feeling guilty all on my own.
You may see me as selfish. But I want you to know that I am not. Not at all. My kids are gone from me this holiday because I am quite the opposite. Because I gave my in laws the best gift ever...the one that costs me everything...the holidays with my kids. I paid to get three of them there. The others rode with their dad. I gave in a manner that was like ripping out my heart. And, I gift him every time I encourage them to see him. To talk to him. To build a relationship that is strong. I am no saint. I honestly think that he's an ass. But he's their dad. And I honor that. Though he often does not.
This year HAS been eventful. I am finally telling the truth...my marriage was broken for a very long time. It had died. I am finally laying it to rest. Maybe it was never really alive. I feel like I spent my entire life giving it CPR. And this is the best year I've had in a very long time. The hardest and yet, in paradox, the most deeply satisfying. No blame. I am responsible for the woman God expects me to become. No blaming the ex. No holding back. Going forward.
You have touched my life. I realize that from here our paths may diverge. I just want you to know that I wish you the very best. I am thankful for you. And I understand why it might be too hard to stay. It's not pretty. It's not easy. It's scary and it's messy. But...it is truth. And it is time for me to stop covering for his bad behavior. So...I am. Way back when I decided that I would part from him, I knew that I might lose all of my friends. I have lost many. But, I have gained back the ability to be the woman that can stand up. That can love her kids. That can laugh wholeheartedly. That can think of a future with hope and joy and not fear and sickness.
I am happy. Not all healed yet. But healing. I am moving forward. I am working. I am learning. I am praying.
I hope that this coming year...and all of the future ones.....is satisfying and full of blessings that you are aware of and thankful for.
With lots of love.
grace.
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