Somber.

It was a somber moment in my life today when I realized how unattached I really am.  How there's not a person in the world that is close enough to think of me as family.  How I have lots of people in my life...but no real family.  Someone at work asked if I had family to go visit if I did a road trip.  Answer?  Nope.  And nobody else either.  So, there it is.  No family beyond these kids.  How odd.  It made me a bit somber.  And, talking to a friend later, I felt the emotion well up.  But, what do you say?  How does it make it any better to talk about it?  It really doesn't.  So, I just let it go.  Swallowed.  Blinked.  Held back the emotional wave that swelled inside.  Because really, what is the point?  It is a holiday for all.  It will be for the rest of my years.  And as my kids get older, I will undoubtedly spend many alone.  At least I won't be spending them with him.  There is solace in that.
But it reminds me of how somber I felt when my grandparents died.  Because I knew then that I really had no real family left.  I have people that are related to me but who don't know me.  Who don't really think of me at all.  I have nice friends.  I have kids...but they will have their own lives in short order.  And, at best, I'll have to share with in laws and with their dad.
There's a part of me that knows that I do ok in the quiet.  In the restful place.  Able to reflect and write and rest.  That part I won't hate. The part that will be rough is the part where I remember again that feeling of not being valuable to others.  It kind of hurts.  I'm.....expendable?  I can't really think of the word, but I am not necessary to anyone's life.  There's nobody who thinks, "my breath would stop if I lost you in my life."  I have people that are that to me.  People that I know that if they were gone from my life or gone from living that I would absolutely stop breathing in the moment I realized.  Yes, I'd start up again.  But it would be that intense.  It would be a deep grief and pain.  I'm glad that I feel that deeply.  Care that much.  Love with my heart wide open.  Even if they aren't mine to hold onto.
I won't even have anyone to call on Christmas day.  I've already thought it through and realized....nope, not a soul that will be expecting a call.  I hope to talk to my kids, but they will be busy with extended family.  So....I need to brace myself.  I need to allow myself to cry in bits and pieces along the way.  I need to rest and be nice to myself.
I have realized that simply cleaning and putting my house in order may feel too unfair and too painful if it's all I do.  So, I'll figure that part out.  Somehow.  A step at a time.
Tonight, I need to cry.  To weep.  To allow that alone feeling to be ok.
I am alive.  I have breath.  I sing.  I rejoice.  And...I weep.  I mourn.  I lament.  Deeply.  With sorrow.  All in one self.  It's quite a lot to feel.  To experience.  It's rather wearing me out.
And I wish that I could explain it to someone.  Not so they would feel sorry for me.  But so that I could divide the burden.  Allow someone to simply carry the hurt with me.  But, there it is...the whole problem in a nutshell....there isn't that person.  Everyone else I know belongs.  They will have mamas and daddys and grandmas and grandpas and siblings and aunts and uncles calling them and sending them cards or messages.  They can't even fathom in the recesses of their minds how it is to be without that.  No invites.  No cards.  No gifts.  Mercy.  No gifts.  Wow.  That kinda sucks.  Hadn't even thought that I'll have Christmas with no gifts.  I hadn't gotten to that idea until now.  Probably nowhere to go out to eat open either.  Sigh.  No shopping.  There are movies.  Me and the creepers.  hahahahhaa.  Maybe I'll meet someone! snort.
Yes, my heart is somber.  I am facing a huge thing.  I will do it.  I will do it well.
blessings.