Life in the Single again mode

I have been without my husband since last April.  But, with all of the paperwork and court and emotions and kid stuff and work and cleaning and.....you get the idea....I've barely been able to process it all.  I try to make time.  To feel it.  To deal with things.  But, it is always in the huge mix of everyone else and a lot of other needs.
Today...I woke up all alone.  Well, I woke up first, much earlier, frightened. I don't like being alone in this house.  Never have.  My saint bernard used to make it bearable, but she is gone.  But, I remembered that I'm safe and cared for.  I managed to eventually go back to sleep.  I slept late.  Went to the grocery store and bought foods that I like to eat!  I put gas in the car because a storm is rolling in.  I took my dog with me.  I was supposed to take a friend's son to church, but he was sleeping.  I wasn't going....no buffer means I don't go.  Not doing that to myself right now.
But, today, as I am doing things around the house...cleaning out the fireplace and collecting wood and little things just to get it to messy after the kids left instead of like a tornado hit it, today, this very day....I thanked God for something that I never thought I'd be able to thank Him for.  I thanked Him for giving me this time.  Yes, though it means Christmas without my kids.  Though I miss them like I miss a coat on a blustery, winter day.  Evenso, He gifted me with this time.  Really, I got to meet my own needs and wants a the store.  I go to think about what I want to do.  I get to get up when I want and sleep when I want.  I can work or not work.  I can putter.  I can be doing ten things at once and not getting them done.  I can...and did...eat half of the coffee cake.  And I am breathing. Really breathing.  Actually..enjoying...in a somber sort of way.  Reality can really stink.  But, the basic truth is that this is so much better than last Christmas.  Last Christmas, I thought that I wouldn't make it.  Having my ex here was horrible.  I got him nice gifts.  I did the Santa thing.  I made the food.  I kept it normal for my kids.  But I was barely able to do it.  I was so distraught.  Troubled.
And now?  Now I am single.  Not married.  It's hard to even process that.  I get that he's not here.  And am thankful for that, but I can't hardly believe that I am single.  That I don't have to be tied to him anymore.  That I am not obligated to meet his needs nor be acceptable to him anymore.  What a relief that is!  Love it.  More than words can express.  He hurt me so much.  He never stood up for me, but he did stand against me.  He never encouraged unless he wanted something.  He made me feel like a prostitute.  And the crazy part was that I felt guilty for it all.  I felt badly that I wasn't doing it all well enough.  But in the here and now...in the singleness....I find a deep sense of peace.  I find comfort.  I find a blessed contentedness.  A relaxing of my heart and mind.  I find that I am able to look forward in life.  That I am able to function in the here and now.
I am more thankful than I ever imagined possible.  This Christmas, I am free from the burden of abuse.  No, he never hit me.  But he used me for his own purposes.  And he didn't give back.  He played the victim so fully.  I bought it.  I took care of him.  I tried to make everything ok.  But everything was not ok.  It slowly destroyed me.  It was dysfunctional in a horrible way.  All while looking so good.  And, hearing about how things are with my kids down with his family...I remember it all too clearly.  Bad relational habits.  But he didn't make a different choice  He chose to behave exactly like his mother that is toxic.  Toxic.  The best word.  Slowly poisoning.  Stealing life.  Taking over the good with bad.  I am so glad to be single.
I AM SINGLE!!! merry christmas to me.
Blessings.