time to think

this morning i awoke early.  really early.  and had time to think.  and organize my emotions.  my feelings.  my needs. i had more clarity than i have had in a long time.
my ex wrote me and the letter was full of good things.  about things of the past.  with no understanding of the present.  nor of the fact that every time i had ever tried to talk to him about those exact things in the last twenty years, he punished me by being unkind, turning it on me, causing more grief, making a fight that lasted for hours which always ended when he decided to cry or demean himself so that i would feel sorry for him.  comfort him.  it wasn't a healthy way to live.  now, it feels abusive, but then, it slowly destroyed me.  i felt less than him.  i felt unimportant.  like i wasn't worth hearing or understanding.
but, nonetheless, he wrote the letter.  mailed it.  i got it.  guess he could have put the check in there, but it would have come a day early, and he never does that.  he sends it to arrive just in time.  never a day early.  so, this paragraph is just to say....he is still stingy.
anyway, i awoke early trying to figure some things out about my rental house.  i took all of the responsibility for it in court, but we will share whatever it profits when it sells.  i did it because of a friend that lives there.  i didn't want to have to deal with my ex every time the house needed something.  i also didn't....and don't...trust him to meet the needs of the friend's financial needs as she wound up a single mom and doesn't have full time work.  that's it...i didn't trust him.  i did this so that what needed to be done could be done without me having to deal with him because i couldn't bear having to agree or discuss every little thing.  even at the beginning,  i was beginning to know my boundaries.  and that i needed to have some.  to allow myself some.
but, my friend and he remain friends.  she needs help.  he uses the opportunity.  she asked him if the tree trimming stuff was in my barn.  he said he had it.  he said he'd come over and trim her trees.  he got a saturday afternoon at my friend's house...happening to be on a day that i needed my friend because of a letter he had sent.  and on top of that, unbeknownst to her, he gained ammunition for in the future to say how much he has done toward helping.  how i need him to do the maintenance.  i know how he works.  i know that when the house sells....no matter what i put in....he'll use these things to be sure that i don't get reimbursed.  we'll split fifty fifty.
sigh.
but, it is how it is.  when i woke up, i realized that.  i need to tell him that i forgive him but that it doesn't change that i won't be married to him.  i need to figure out how to do the house.  maybe i should give it to him.  i don't know if i should talk to my friend about it or if i just need to think about it and do what i decide.  i want to help her.  i want to be able to keep the rent as low as possible.  i am willing to make up the difference on the house payment...to split it with her.  he never did that, even when we were together.  but, i know that i can't live like it is.  so i am indeed going to have to decide.
he will be friendly with anyone from our past that he knows i care about.  even at the end of our marriage he became intrusive that way.  there are some things that i won't be able to draw a firm boundary.  but i am going to try with the house.  but first, i'll think and decide for sure what i want.  what is wise.  what is kind.  to me.  to others.  period.
but i can't keep paying the bills and letting him still run all over what i asked him to leave be.  how disrespectful it is.  it shouldn't surprise me anymore....but it always does.