How the Church Could Avoid Divorce

It seems that the church has spent years telling everyone to stay married...that divorce is not an option.  It simply isn't working.  There must be a better way.  A better message.  What if the church did something different?  It would be a risk....it would break protocol.  But, what if the church actually said that unless certain things happen, divorce is inevitable?  What if they pointed out the truth of the matter?  What if they looked not only at those with divorce paperwork but those who are divorced within their hearts?  What if?  What if instead of being afraid of what might happen if they gave grace to all to live in complete freedom....what if they actually let go?  Said that staying married doesn't make God love you better?  What if they told couples that there are reasons to divorce?  To separate?  What if?What if they laid out guidelines of what would be required to nurture and grow a marriage.  What if they began teaching children.  And teens.  What dedication truly looks like.  What if the facade was pulled away and people quit pretending and became open about the reality of what was going on in their homes?  I think that there could be healing.  I think that the church would find that their divorce rate might actually go down in comparison to that of the rest of the world.  What if husband's and wives could be held accountable to others of their gender?  What if it wasn't a stigma, a failure of character, a flaw...to have to part?
The reality of life is that divorce IS a possibility.  No matter what you say.  And it doesn't happen just at the court house.  It happens in the day to day life.  It happens when dignity is stripped.  When God given rights are trampled upon.  Desecrated.  It happens when people are hiding and pretending.  Looking like good christian families.  Saying all of the right things.  Doing all of the right activities.  But it's not about that at all.  It is about learning to seek the face of God with another.  And short of that....how is a christian marriage any different than a secular?  God isn't all about performance.  Rules.  Regulations.  He's all about relationship.  About healing relationships.  Relationships that bring life.  With Him.  With others.
The church rarely addresses abuse and what it looks like.  They are afraid of the gray areas.  Afraid that people will take license.  Will get out too easily.  But I think that if people knew that they could get out, they might actually stay in a healthier fashion.  They might be willing to speak.  To talk about it like they would other aspects of their lives.  They might be able to find help and healing before it's too late. Before the relationship dies.
And death of relationships does occur.  I know.  I lived it.  Though I am a committed person.  Though I love God.  Though I am beloved by God.  Though I am loyal.  Though I never imagined my marriage ending in divorce.  Until the end times.  When I couldn't imagine a moment longer.  Not a moment.  When all I knew was that what I lived through had stolen my very being.  My heart.  Nearly my soul.  Nothing I gave was enough.  He wanted to possess....not to love.  He wanted to use, not to relate.  My life looked good to others.  He looks good to others.  But there was not peace and safety.  I longed to be able to speak.  But to whom?
He used the church's policy about divorce to "keep me in line."  To hold me to him.  To make me be "committed".  But...the commitment was meaningless.  It didn't fill because it wasn't real.  It was smoke and mirrors.
Perhaps the answer to being different than the world lies in being more honest.  More truthful.  Perhaps in lies in knowing that we are first and foremost God's.  That He is the object of our affection.  That He longs to deal with each of us in relationship.  That He sees us.  Cries with us.  That His disappointment is not complete because of our marital failure.  Perhaps we need to start thinking and acting differently to people.  Perhaps the church could become that safe place.
Maybe.  Perhaps.
But as of now?  The church is the place that is the hardest to go if you feel as I do.  If you know that you are done.  That your dignity has been stripped.  That your life has been raped of it's purpose.  That your very being has been denied the basic requirements for survival.  And by the time a person gets that far along......there's no turning around and just saying sorry.
But sometimes I wonder how it might have been if there had been men that would have made my ex deal with reality.  But, even now...it's just "pray about it, there could be a miracle."  Where's the idea that how you treat a person and how you fail to treat them matter?  What about the idea that actions without love are a clashing cymbal?
I am so done.  But I want to look forward to what God has.  For how healing could com earlier in the process.  I want to get real.  Maybe even write a book about what abuse looks like.  Feels like.  What it does.  Maybe.
blessings.