I want to do the things that I know I should be doing, want to interact and clean and cook. I want to do so much. But I feel like I'm avoiding. Like having too much good at this moment will make Saturday, the day I let my kids go for the holidays, impossibly harder. Or maybe it's the numbness. I just can't function right. I know it's the holiday and I need to do the cookies and all...but all I can feel is a deep sad. Which, I work to not show to my kids. I want them to be free from that. Just don't know what to do with it all. The feelings are pretty overwhelming.
I'm going to try. I may fail. In which case, I'll know that I did the best I could. That's all I can give. Of course, they can't possibly understand what is holding their usually holiday happy mama back. So...again, I have to try. And all I want to do is lay here in bed. Watch some shows. Overwhelming tired. I'd rather not have to show up today.
I know that beyond having them leave that I have been practicing my no thank yous in my mind and heart. I don't need for anyone to fix this. I know that they can't. And I certainly don't need nor want for this to hurt anyone else. I have looked for last minute trips today. So that I will have the strength to do this without anyone else having a sense that they have to fix it for me. Won't be easy. Not at all. But it will be possible. I love quite a few people. I'm not going to let my Christmas pain be a downer for anyone else. I've got to get through this. Absolutely.
And all I can do is pray. Because I can't imagine a Christmas day without hugs from my kids. Well, I can to a degree...and even in the bit that I can guess at, it is indescribably hard. The tears flow. I don't want to lose it with my kids. Every nerve is raw. Every emotion is on high alert.
Afraid of doing the traditions. The things I started with them. Afraid that I will not make it through it...knowing that they will do it, begin it...but then leave.
Truly, I am in a place of pain. Explains why I waffle between running away and staying put. I keep thinking that if I make no plan, I can just start driving if I can't stand it. But all of the places I look at are showing their special romantic or family things going on for the holiday. Aaaah. Another reason I'd need a house instead. I don't know what I'll do. I could stay home and pretend to be gone. Have honestly contemplated that more than once. Just staying in while checking out of my world. I know that I have plenty of work to keep me busy.
I am avoiding it all. Here in my bed. Resting. Not sleeping. Went to bed rather early. Today I've got to get up. No excuse of being exhausted from going to the airport at the crack of dawn. Mercy. Hope I survive it all. At least when I get them gone, I will be able to fall apart. Guess that's the silver lining in this case. Finally able to scream and cry. Doesn't seem to holidayish. Yet....at least it won't hurt them. I desperately want them to have an absolutely peaceful and fun trip. Laughter galore. Games. But they can only have that if I release them to be fully present without guilt or pain where they are. I CAN do this. Because they are worth even more than that. And while their dad is a donkey...they don't need to think so. Or even know that I think so.
So. Now. How do I even begin?
By trying. One little piece at a time.
blessings.
I'm going to try. I may fail. In which case, I'll know that I did the best I could. That's all I can give. Of course, they can't possibly understand what is holding their usually holiday happy mama back. So...again, I have to try. And all I want to do is lay here in bed. Watch some shows. Overwhelming tired. I'd rather not have to show up today.
I know that beyond having them leave that I have been practicing my no thank yous in my mind and heart. I don't need for anyone to fix this. I know that they can't. And I certainly don't need nor want for this to hurt anyone else. I have looked for last minute trips today. So that I will have the strength to do this without anyone else having a sense that they have to fix it for me. Won't be easy. Not at all. But it will be possible. I love quite a few people. I'm not going to let my Christmas pain be a downer for anyone else. I've got to get through this. Absolutely.
And all I can do is pray. Because I can't imagine a Christmas day without hugs from my kids. Well, I can to a degree...and even in the bit that I can guess at, it is indescribably hard. The tears flow. I don't want to lose it with my kids. Every nerve is raw. Every emotion is on high alert.
Afraid of doing the traditions. The things I started with them. Afraid that I will not make it through it...knowing that they will do it, begin it...but then leave.
Truly, I am in a place of pain. Explains why I waffle between running away and staying put. I keep thinking that if I make no plan, I can just start driving if I can't stand it. But all of the places I look at are showing their special romantic or family things going on for the holiday. Aaaah. Another reason I'd need a house instead. I don't know what I'll do. I could stay home and pretend to be gone. Have honestly contemplated that more than once. Just staying in while checking out of my world. I know that I have plenty of work to keep me busy.
I am avoiding it all. Here in my bed. Resting. Not sleeping. Went to bed rather early. Today I've got to get up. No excuse of being exhausted from going to the airport at the crack of dawn. Mercy. Hope I survive it all. At least when I get them gone, I will be able to fall apart. Guess that's the silver lining in this case. Finally able to scream and cry. Doesn't seem to holidayish. Yet....at least it won't hurt them. I desperately want them to have an absolutely peaceful and fun trip. Laughter galore. Games. But they can only have that if I release them to be fully present without guilt or pain where they are. I CAN do this. Because they are worth even more than that. And while their dad is a donkey...they don't need to think so. Or even know that I think so.
So. Now. How do I even begin?
By trying. One little piece at a time.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.