Finding Happy

Here I am.  The day before my son leaves for Texas for 11 days.  Or is it 12?  Hmmm.  But, here I am at school.  With all of my fifth graders.  Healthy.  Playing games.  Listening to Pandora Kid's Christmas.  Hearing them laugh.  Opening their sweet gifts.  They are safe.  They are alive.  They are crazy excited.  Exactly as it should be.  And I am blessed.  Because of something so ordinary.  Something that some people think they deserve or should expect.  Normalcy.  But nothing is normal in Newtown, CT this week.  And it won't be for some of those families ever again.  I want to live in thankfulness.  Not take forgranted the good. Because there is so much good.  So very much good.  If you could only hear them playing board games.  The cacophony is amazing.  The hugs are tight.  The love we share for this year is as real as any love that anyone shares in life.  They will move on.  Grow up.  But for this year, they are my kids.  They are sweet souls that change my life daily.  They make me grow.
I am learning.  I am finding happy.  Genuine happy.  The kind that reaches into the depths and through all of the pain and ignites a flame.  I am finding it day to day.  Slowly as I go.  And though I worry for my own kids and wonder if I've scarred them with my decision...as the good church people say....I think that I have given them a glimpse of what it means to remake a life.  That God does not hate us when we fail.  That He is not a punisher of the downcast.  Rather, He is a lifter of our heads.  And He loves us.  Period.  I hope that they see how I have to lean into Him.  That it isn't just following some rules but trusting His heart.  I hope that they understand that that is how I feel about them.
Yes, happy is a part of this beautiful tragedy.  And my gift this Christmas is freedom.  Freedom to breathe.  To live.  To give.
blessings.