he didn't even check in with me to be sure our son was safe. he didn't make sure he was ok. he didn't let me know that things had gone badly. he says that i don't communicate with him because i won't respond to his "let's get back together overtures"...but he won't talk about our kids. he won't text nor email to be sure that they are ok. he will text to make sure that they respond to his texts...or to complain when he can't reach them. he has a son that was obviously troubled. hurt. angry. he let him leave, which is fine. but no heads up or anything to me.
he tried to "father" our son while they were together. he tried to make him listen to him. told him that he could tell him what to do because he's his father. what a crock. you can't tell an 18 year old anything unless they are willing to hear you. not a darn thing. they have their own ideas and are enamored with their recently acquired adult status. they only listen if they have found something in you that calls to them to respect it. something that smacks of being genuine. they have great b.s. detectors. they won't be fooled by false promises nor by fake acts of authority. when our son was in fourth grade, his dad promised to play ball with him each day and pray with him each night. he did it a few times. ever. over a couple of weeks. with reminders. then he quit. he promised because our son had anger problems. he needed the attention. even then, i remember how much he resented his dad. would kick and claw when his dad would try to carry him or restrain him. he lashed out even way back then. that was my happy go lucky kid. my laughter kid. my go to sleep peaceful kid.
he says he cares. he says i'm the better part of what was us. but it's all just words. it's just a game. to get what he wants. so he can win. so he can be spiritual. god wants truth. not his performance. and i don't want his fake overtures of love to impress others.
a friend regifted a necklace to me that i had made for her during a rough time...it's engraved "peace. a new reality." i want to lie down in that peace.
i am so fried. how i long for a hug sometimes. just to be held tightly. to sit near someone...even if i can't speak the words. just being near someone who cares. but, i guess i will take a hot bath. and watch a show. and try to relax. i don't feel very well. probably why i'm so gloomy on top of everything else. it was just such a weird week. i am still reeling. can't seem to stop.
intense. emotions. feelings. anger? yes. but something more. something sad. a final acceptance that he really doesn't give to those he claims to love what they need. he withholds it. he is glad to be related if people make him look good. wants the accolades. like trophies. pieces in a competition. but not giving. and i guess that i am always hopeful. i think that i really hoped that he would do something different on this trip. how could i have chosen someone so self consumed?
but god knows that the kids are totally worth it all. every moment. because they are the greatest gifts ever. and i adore them.....even when they are a mess. maybe because they give me the same. i admire them. i want to lift them higher. give them confidence. my son told me that they all feel like i am the one that raised them and that i did a good job. wow. what a gift. i'll try to think on things like that. but what i really think about is in the bible where it talks about how if anyone causes one of the children to stumble then it would be better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and to be cast into the sea than to experience the consequences. the saddest part is that he still portrays himself to the world as a wronged, kind, caring man who has been so horribly wronged. and how could i do this to him? and how could his son treat him so poorly? poor him.
gonna take a hot bath. try to shake off the deep sense of lonely. alone in my thoughts. in my sadness.
blessings.
he tried to "father" our son while they were together. he tried to make him listen to him. told him that he could tell him what to do because he's his father. what a crock. you can't tell an 18 year old anything unless they are willing to hear you. not a darn thing. they have their own ideas and are enamored with their recently acquired adult status. they only listen if they have found something in you that calls to them to respect it. something that smacks of being genuine. they have great b.s. detectors. they won't be fooled by false promises nor by fake acts of authority. when our son was in fourth grade, his dad promised to play ball with him each day and pray with him each night. he did it a few times. ever. over a couple of weeks. with reminders. then he quit. he promised because our son had anger problems. he needed the attention. even then, i remember how much he resented his dad. would kick and claw when his dad would try to carry him or restrain him. he lashed out even way back then. that was my happy go lucky kid. my laughter kid. my go to sleep peaceful kid.
he says he cares. he says i'm the better part of what was us. but it's all just words. it's just a game. to get what he wants. so he can win. so he can be spiritual. god wants truth. not his performance. and i don't want his fake overtures of love to impress others.
a friend regifted a necklace to me that i had made for her during a rough time...it's engraved "peace. a new reality." i want to lie down in that peace.
i am so fried. how i long for a hug sometimes. just to be held tightly. to sit near someone...even if i can't speak the words. just being near someone who cares. but, i guess i will take a hot bath. and watch a show. and try to relax. i don't feel very well. probably why i'm so gloomy on top of everything else. it was just such a weird week. i am still reeling. can't seem to stop.
intense. emotions. feelings. anger? yes. but something more. something sad. a final acceptance that he really doesn't give to those he claims to love what they need. he withholds it. he is glad to be related if people make him look good. wants the accolades. like trophies. pieces in a competition. but not giving. and i guess that i am always hopeful. i think that i really hoped that he would do something different on this trip. how could i have chosen someone so self consumed?
but god knows that the kids are totally worth it all. every moment. because they are the greatest gifts ever. and i adore them.....even when they are a mess. maybe because they give me the same. i admire them. i want to lift them higher. give them confidence. my son told me that they all feel like i am the one that raised them and that i did a good job. wow. what a gift. i'll try to think on things like that. but what i really think about is in the bible where it talks about how if anyone causes one of the children to stumble then it would be better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and to be cast into the sea than to experience the consequences. the saddest part is that he still portrays himself to the world as a wronged, kind, caring man who has been so horribly wronged. and how could i do this to him? and how could his son treat him so poorly? poor him.
gonna take a hot bath. try to shake off the deep sense of lonely. alone in my thoughts. in my sadness.
blessings.
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