The Hard Things

I don't know how to explain the hard things to people.  Feels like they either get it or they don't.  I hear people talk about their lives and how bad it is or was.  And I hear them.  But sometimes, when I talk, all it feels like people hear is how they have it worse or how I'll be just fine.  Or how...whatever.  Today was a hard day in my life.  The beginning of a Christmas Break that I am determined will not "break" me, but that is going to be difficult.
A co worker got why I might go away on Christmas without me explaining it...."so that nobody feels obligated to be with you."  Yep.  Can't stand that thought.  Each should have their own families.  Do their traditions.  Do what it is that is "family".  And it's very good.  And I don't want to be a distraction from how good that is.  And going away will assure that I will be able to say "no" if someone asks in that kind way that people do.  But, Christmas is...as my co worker explained as well...family.  It's not like the other holidays.  It's jammies and presents and inside jokes and silliness.  I know.  I have it.  Just not this year.  It's not a day to "entertain" but to relax with the very closest people to you.  And while it makes me sad that that doesn't exist apart from my kids, I also know that it's tie for me to deal with that.  Because my kids will be grown soon anyway.  With their own lives and families.
A friend was telling me today how I'll be more gaga over a grandchild when it belongs to my "real" son as opposed to the two that belong to my adopted son.  And perhaps it's true.  I kinda got the idea that I don't do the grandma thing very well with them.  Which I freely admit...I'm not quite to grandma era yet with three teens still at home.  But I can't guarantee that it will be different.  Maybe I'm not very good at it or something.  I don't really know.  I love them.  I enjoy them.  I don't want to mother them.  I just want to marvel at them and hug them and encourage them.  I want to be proud of their parents and let them know that.  But, I see that I'm not too great of a grandma.
Today was hard because I met with friends because I wasn't done grieving having dropped my son at the airport.  I was aching.  And I couldn't put it to words without help.  But it felt like when I would try, there was a comeback of how it was for her.  How she has it so very bad.  I concur.  My life is very blessed.  I don't want to sit in a restaurant and convince anyone how bad my life is.  Ever.  But...I guess today....I needed a little pity party.  An acknowledgement that I am living through a hard thing and doing a pretty good job.
But its not anyone's job to do that.  I just have to know it.  And make it through.  And...some do know.
blessings.