Joy Peace Hope Love Eternally

It was not just recently that I felt a need for joy peace hope and love.  I will always and have always craved that eternal gift.  The closeness to the heart of God Himself.  Most people seem to think that He is some big boss that demands and criticizes.  But I met Him as a child.  As only a child can.  And He held me close and made life bearable.  More than bearable.  He made life full of hope.  I was joyous.  People were always amazed by it.  Love was in my heart to give and I was at peace.  I didn't worry how thing were going to happen or if they were...He had always been faithful and I guess I was naive in some people's views...but, I just trusted that He would keep on doing so.
And, all of my life, He has.
But my ex changed my focus.  Told me I needed to worry more.  To be more responsible.  To not assume.  To behave right.  To....change.....so that God could love me better.  And with our kids too...perform to be more acceptable.
This year, I am going forward to go back.  Forward into God's love and mercy and goodness and kindness. I don't think that He hates me or wants to punish me.  I believe that He loves me.  Though I struggle with it day to day.  Those twenty years of marriage really messed up my sense of trust.  Of basic, leaning, joyful, peaceful, hopeful, loving trust.
I intend to refind my heritage.
blessings.

Laying Claim

I am laying claim on my home.  Prayerfully and intentionally.  I am working on changing things.  Moving things.  I am trying to make it....new for me.  A place that I can do more than just stand being...a place that calls to me peacefully.  Restfully.  I have shut down for so long, that I hardly know how to let myself relax in my own home.  This last week...the alone time...was good for that.  Learning.  I don't have it down yet.  But I'm learning.  Trying.  Relaxing.  In a way.  A way that I haven't before.
I am also laying claim to my story.  To being able to speak it.  To own it.
I am laying claim to my family.  For all of the drama this week....one great thing.  My eldest son met the need of my middle son.  And it has changed my middle son.  Someone cared for him.  Was kind to him.  Loved him.  I will never forget how dedicated my eldest was in taking care of his little brother.
I am laying claim to my faith.  To true faith.  Not the gobbledy gook that I got caught up in while married.  Not the condemning, demeaning, judging life....real faith.  The kind that moves mountains.  Really.  I've experienced that again this year.  The mountain of hopelessness...of despair...of abusive attitudes. They have been moved.  God does that.  Not in a way I ever expected.  I spent so long trying to remake who He made me to be...so that I could try to hold things together.  Now, I'm going to lay claim to the faith that has carried me all of my life.
Laying claim.  Speaking it so.  Choosing.  Living.  Action.  In my life.  I am not a victim.
blessings.

Word

I am seeking a word for this year.  Truth.  Maybe.  Clarity.  Perhaps.  All I know is that balance was perfect for last year.  I don't really want to give it up. ;)  But, a new year and a new word doesn't mean that the old word won't apply.  Just.....added to.  I keep hearing from people that they are praying for me to see truth.  To have clarity of mind.  To not be deceived.  And what they can't seem to get is the more that they pray, the more I KNOW that what is happening is true.  Is where I must walk.
Choice.  That's another good word.  I get to choose who to be.  Don't know what it will be.  Maybe grace.  Or kindness.  Or peace.  All have a place in my life.  I think that the right word will come to me....as I pray through it.
What about you?  Where are you?  Where do you want to be?  What word will propel your thoughts in the direction you want to be moving?
Celebrate.  Another good word.
blessings.

the ex

he didn't even check in with me to be sure our son was safe.  he didn't make sure he was ok.  he didn't let me know that things had gone badly.  he says that i don't communicate with him because i won't respond to his "let's get back together overtures"...but he won't talk about our kids.  he won't text nor email to be sure that they are ok.  he will text to make sure that they respond to his texts...or to complain when he can't reach them.  he has a son that was obviously troubled.  hurt.  angry.  he let him leave, which is fine.  but no heads up or anything to me.
he tried to "father" our son while they were together.  he tried to make him listen to him.  told him that he could tell him what to do because he's his father.  what a crock.  you can't tell an 18 year old anything unless they are willing to hear you.  not a darn thing.  they have their own ideas and are enamored with their recently acquired adult status.  they only listen if they have found something in you that calls to them to respect it.  something that smacks of being genuine.  they have great b.s. detectors.  they won't be fooled by false promises nor by fake acts of authority.  when our son was in fourth grade, his dad promised to play ball with him each day and pray with him each night.  he did it a few times.  ever.  over a couple of weeks.  with reminders.  then he quit.  he promised because our son had anger problems.  he needed the attention.  even then, i remember how much he resented his dad.  would kick and claw when his dad would try to carry him or restrain him.  he lashed out even way back then.  that was my happy go lucky kid.  my laughter kid.  my go to sleep peaceful kid.
he says he cares.  he says i'm the better part of what was us.  but it's all just words.  it's just a game.  to get what he wants.  so he can win.  so he can be spiritual. god wants truth.  not his performance.  and i don't want his fake overtures of love to impress others.
a friend regifted a necklace to me that i had made for her during a rough time...it's engraved "peace.  a new reality."  i want to lie down in that peace.
 i am so fried.  how i long for a hug sometimes.  just to be held tightly.  to sit near someone...even if i can't speak the words.  just being near someone who cares.  but, i guess i will take a hot bath.  and watch a show.  and try to relax.  i don't feel very well.  probably why i'm so gloomy on top of everything else.  it was just such a weird week.  i am still reeling.  can't seem to stop.
intense.  emotions.  feelings.  anger? yes.  but something more.  something sad.  a final acceptance that he really doesn't give to those he claims to love what they need.  he withholds it.  he is glad to be related if people make him look good.  wants the accolades.  like trophies.  pieces in a competition.  but not giving.  and i guess that i am always hopeful.  i think that i really hoped that he would do something different on this trip.  how could i have chosen someone so self consumed?
but god knows that the kids are totally worth it all.  every moment.  because they are the greatest gifts ever.  and i adore them.....even when they are a mess.  maybe because they give me the same.  i admire them.  i want to lift them higher.  give them confidence.  my son told me that they all feel like i am the one that raised them and that i did a good job.  wow.  what a gift.  i'll try to think on things like that.  but what i really think about is in the bible where it talks about how if anyone causes one of the children to stumble then it would be better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and to be cast into the sea than to experience the consequences.  the saddest part is that he still portrays himself to the world as a wronged, kind, caring man who has been so horribly wronged.  and how could i do this to him?  and how could his son treat him so poorly?  poor him.
gonna take a hot bath.  try to shake off the deep sense of lonely.  alone in my thoughts.  in my sadness.
blessings.

Trying not to be needy

Today I have been so....needy feeling...off kelter.....shocked....numb.....and, sick too.  A friend called me today to tell me that she had been sick.  She is cold when I try to explain how things are.  But, at first, I almost didn't say why I had gone to get my son.  I was going to brush over it and let it go.  However, I stopped took a breath and just said it.  She assumed that my sons problems are due to the separation.  Made a comment.  I said no.  That he is relieved.  She was more than surprised.  She really doesn't get it.  And doesn't want to.
She talked about how she knew that I had been alone and how hard that had been but how she hadn't wanted to intrude on that.  I had been alone for five days.  I hadn't heard from her at all.  And now that I did, it simply felt like a put down.  She makes me feel small for having my feelings and emotions.
That. The note using the words deceptive emotions.  A card from someone in FL. that my ex must know.  Just all weigh on top of the emotions of the week.  First of being alone and then of having to deal with the days of drama and then the trip to "rescue" my boys.  Too much for me.
I'm weary.  Seriously.
blessings.

In Shock

I think that I spent part of today in shock.  Numb.  Having trouble functioning.  The last couple of days feel...surreal.  Like I just can't believe that my son talked.  My other son spoke up on behalf of himself and his family.  And....I am so hurt by all that has happened to my lovies.  I mean, I don't understand.  Those are the most repeated words of my heart over the years....."I don't understand".  I have spent so long trying to understand.  So hard.  I want to understand. I want to put words to it.  Why can he not own the fact that he says he loves but he doesn't meet the needs of those he says he loves.  He does what he wants to.  He does what makes him look good.  But he doesn't meet those he claims to care about with compassion nor with strength.  He is weak.  And he is mean....probably mean because he's weak.
But he hurt my son...again.  And I'm finding that my worst fears over the years were perhaps true.  That his discouraging, unkind attitude warped my son's self confidence.  Diminished his choices.  I heard things that I suspected but hadn't seen happen.  Makes me....ill.
I've done a lot today, but without great focus.  Because I am truly shocked.  Need to debrief.  Keep talking to myself.
Too tough some days.  I'm so glad he's out of my life.

Truth and Denial

Here's the thing I'm learning:  if some people remain in denial to the truth then there is nothing that I can or should do to hurry along their process.  It's not my job to tell them how they are wrong.  It's not my job to point out the errors in their thought processes.  It's my job to live the truth.  I didn't for a very long time.  Not purposefully.  I thought that the "game", the "show" was the marriage.  That I had to make it look good.  That I had to do everything in my power to hold it together.  I thought that it was my job to make us a happy family.  I wanted my kids to be happy.  Safe.  But what I didn't realize is that building it upon a fake, a facade, a poser, a sham.....just made them fall harder.  And the truth of the matter is that their dad got away with things that he should have had to answer for all along the way.
I am not getting back together with him.  I don't have to explain it to everyone.  I don't have to explain it to anyone.  All I have to do...is live.  As truthfully and as kindly as I can learn to do.  Over time.  With grace.  For others.  For myself.
But there is a lot of denial out there from others about my ex.  How good he is.  How kind.  He is selfish.  Amazingly so.
You know that friend that left the present along with the note about how they are praying for temporary emotions not to be......I don't know...but the gist was not to let temporary things ruin the permanent....THAT friend?  Well, I had forgotten that I had given them rent for their home.  Completely forgotten.  But that was me.  Not him.  Not the ex.  Me.  Not together.  He takes and has received credit for so much over the years.  And the funny part?  I had totally forgotten about the rent.  Completely washed it out of my mind.  I don't keep track nor try to make sure that someone evens the score.  But, when reminded, it struck me as funny....that my own kind act is being used to show how good we were together when it was that part of me that caused him trauma.
It is a little hurtful that he has been asked if he needs help.  That people rally around that poor victim.  But the TRUTH remains the same no matter what game he plays.  No matter how he pretends.  Matters not.  And whether he recognizes the truth or feels badly about it or completely misses it or denies it...the truth changes not.  And I have no need to convince anyone.

The Pick Up

I drove eight hours to go get my son.  He made it in nearly the same time...but much later.  My emotions are on edge.  I am exhausted and have eaten only crap for a couple of days.  Christmas was not what I expected, but it was an adventure.
But, this morning, I heard that my other son that has had my car has done a couple of damaging things.  It's hard...he was equating whether I love him with whether I would be upset or not.  Reminds me of the past, I think.  I can love and be sad or upset.  It's only stuff.  It's not that.  It's the assumption that I'm not allowed to have emotion.  That it hurts others if I am anything less than totally accepting of their actions.  I can dislike actions and still love and accept someone.  I was just tired.  I was sweet.  And kind.  And they are way more important than stuff....but I am learning that I don't want to be manipulated.
Speaking of which...got home after eight hours in the car with a very talkative kid.  He told his whole story from his whole life as much as he could remember.  He said what hurt him.  What made him angry. He talked about his trip.  He talked about the past.  He talked about the pain.  He talked about the things that I know but have rarely been understood when I voice.....the discrepancy with how things look and how things are.  It was intense.  It was beautiful.  He was...freed.  Somehow the trip unlocked it all. And...he said that the trip made him realize how much he appreciates me.  Aw.  He was verbally thankful to me for "breaking up."  I am so glad that he is another step towards healing.  He is amazing.
We drove and drove.  Finally got home.  Unloaded.  Made him some mac and cheese.  I sat down.  Then remembered that I had left my charger in the car.  Went to get it and spied a present on the porch with my name on it.  I was so excited.  So happy.  I hadn't received any gifts in the mail or anything like that this year.  I opened it.  Had a card.  It was a fruitcake.  The card had a letter.  The note talked about my marriage.  How they are praying for me.  How sad it is.  Blah blah blah.  How we had helped them once upon a time to pay their rent when their business was just beginning.  It hurt me.  A lot.  Took my breath away.
But ya know, I made it through Christmas.  Alive.  Well.  I got to hear my so laugh.  Really laugh.  And see him cry.  When he needed to.  I've heard him tell his story.  Like popping a pimple...he had to be squeezed and pushed.  And then....there it all came.  And he loves me.  Wow.  And he's sorry that I have to take it when he's irritated and I'm the one around.
So many insights that boy had.  He's putting his pain together too.  Understanding it.  Turning it over in his hands and learning why he felt so awful.
He doesn't feel like his dad cared for him much.  I got to explain my revelation...that maybe he doesn't not care about us but not see us as much as he sees himself.  I told him that I think that it's something in his dad that holds his dad back from loving rather than something in my son that makes him unlovable..which is how he feels.
Now, a few days left of break.  Very few.  I'm worn out and I have a lot to do.  Around the house and for school.
I am really tired...it's now yet another day later.  Emotions drain energy.  And...revitalize within over time.
I am so disappointed in my ex.  He makes me ill.  Totally.
I talked with my son openly.  That will probably bite me in the butt.  But, he had things he needed to know.  He's 18.  I just tried to do it all while letting him know that he's in charge of who he becomes, that his dad did they best he could and that one day perhaps they will have something better.  I did speak the truth about how his dad behaved.  But, not in a manner that was vengeful nor disrespectful.  Just to validate my hurting son.
Gotta make a life from today.
blessings.

Constantly Amazed by my God

Today, I have been cleaning out a cupboard full of old phone books and whatever else people stick in there.  On the bottom of the shelf, I found an old set of notes from a sermon.  Mine.  It was called Ode to Joy.
Joy thiefs:
Problem focus
Adverse cirumstances
People problems
Aloneness/loneliness
Trying to earn salvation
Anxious thoughts.
This sermon was based on Philippians.
Twas lovely.  And timely.  Just as I was writing how thankful for this reminder, I got a call from my oldest son...the one with a wife and two kids.....and he said that they are heading out from TX today.  Yes, on Christmas.  Because they have been told that they can't be in his uncle's and aunt's house while they are gone and that they won't be home until midnight.  They have a kid with over a 101 temp.  Sick.  Really sick.  Tummy problems too.  They are going back to her family.  Hopefully taking my middle son with them.  Even if we have to ship their stuff.  Somehow.  They were forced to use a bathroom across the house.  Forced to be gone if the rest of the family was gone.  Couldn't use the bathroom by their room...though two of them are really sick.  Even if it could be sterilized afterwards.  He tried to talk to his dad about this problem.  His dad said he had to go play a game.  So, they are heading out after lunch.  Wow.  Really?  I finally see it though.  See the co-dependence.  See that everyone is afraid of going against and of not pleasing.  Nobody is allowed to be his or her own person.  My ex is playing the victim.  Still.  In front of all of our kids.  It's....awkward.  That's putting it mildly. My mild mannered daughter in law used bad language to describe the situation...and how they are being basically tossed out on Christmas.  Weird.  But true.
They won't give my middle son wireless access.  They set it so that he can't get on.  And think that it's funny.  Mean to him.  He is sitting in the bedroom.  Wow.  What a missing out they are experiencing.
I am waiting to hear what I should do.  Middle son doesn't have his phone charger.  Obviously didn't get to borrow one.  Sigh.  Maybe they think that by holding him prisoner that will make it all better.  All I know is that my ex has sealed his fate....at least temporarily...and made it even more difficult to make amends.  No matter what he SAYS now, the action and inaction of this trip will be more real.  It took me years to see the problem.  Years.
Now, my middle son graduates this coming spring.  And I wonder......will he want this same family to come to his graduation?  And I wonder.....will they...especially the one uncle.....be hurtful enough to not come?  Oh God, don't let my sweet boy be hurt anymore.  Please oh please.
He wants to leave there.  Yet, still doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.  I know how he feels.
OK, it has been a few hours...just getting back to this.  leaving to get my darling boy.  Who is also a pain at times.:)  A true teen.  Off to get him....because I love him so very much.
blessings.

Christmas Morning.

Big log burning.  Coffee cake.  Coffee.  One dog is still in bed....she's a chihuahua and it's only 8 degrees outside...and she KNOWS it. ;)  Other dog is curled up by the fire and Christmas tree.  I'm in my jammies with a red plaid wool scarf around my neck.  Pretty jammies, I might add. Too summery, but comfy cotton.  I think that maybe tomorrow I'll get myself some slippers.  None of those isotoner things.  They were icky.  Ill fitting and not at all cozy.  I got a few pairs over the years.  I rarely ever wore them, but he kept giving them...always on sale this time of year.  I am so thankful this morning not to be opening presents I wish that I wasn't getting.  Not because I care so much about gifts, but because it was a constant source of pain.  He would buy something without thought to much but how much it cost....after he set his budget for his spending, he would look for what fit his budget, not what I would like.  Over the years, I finally got him to do it differently with the kids.  To give them something more.  And he began making certificates.  To go out to eat or to a bookstore.  It was much better.  It took several knock down drag outs to achieve.  Years.  But the kids don't know that.  I'm glad for that.  And, it suits his personality because he gets to be the center of attention with his wittiness as the certificates are read.  Well...the good news is that it has made a positive impact on the kids.  That makes me happy.
So, today has a lot of good in it.  No pretense.  For the first time in so many years.  Hey, and no  pictures while I look...like this. ha.  Get a little tired of that look!  Stay up until two am getting ready and kids up at six...if I said they couldn't get up earlier.  Last year I made it 7:30.  The teens...except for one...were relieved.
Have gotten a text from my second son.  A facebook message from my fourth.  I am doing ok.  Burning old phone books.  And whatever.  Going through stuff a little bit more.  Watching a little CSI.  Being nice to me.  Just being quiet and thankful for this day.
I got the text from a friend...inviting me to eat.  I knew that it would come.  She's my best friend.  But I had prepared myself for several days.  She needs to be the one completely loved on and spoiled and cared for by her kids.  Also needs to just revel in the presence of her babies.  Because she doesn't get them all at one time very often.  And never all to herself.  So this is a nice day.  And I will not take away from that.  And...it was easier than I expected.  Because deep inside I know what is right and what is selfish.
I am going to to keep on with how things are.  Cleaning.  Wrapping.  Maybe napping.  Maybe I'll see a movie.  We'll see.  No plan.  Just knowing that I have to do whatever it is that I need to today. Need to focus on being mentally and emotionally healthy.  For me.
blessings.....and MERRY CHRISTMAS!  I got the best gift of all. 

An hour and forty five minutes

I kept myself busy.  I took a bath.  I worked on the fire.  I took my doggies out.  I swept the snow off of the walk.  Poured myself a glass of wine and sat down and realized that less than two hours had gone by.  Seriously.  Oh my.  But now, it is 9:30 so soon I can go to my room respectably.  Respectably for whom, you might ask.  Me too.  But somehow for me.  To let myself know that I didn't just sleep through it.  Besides, if I go to bed too early, I will be awake at two am.  Don't need to keep waiting for time to pass even all night long.  Wow.
No Christmas cookies to put out.  No milk.  No birthday cake for Jesus.  No hugs and giggles as the kids head to be.  No "rules" about when my one son can wake everyone up.  It's weird.  Very.
But it's how it is.
So...there it is.
But I am sad.  Deeply so.  Sometimes too sad to even cry.  Silent sobs.
Ok.
Gonna quit whining.  Going to quit thinking how my ex is a jerk.  Doesn't do any good.
Gonna rest.  And get up to celebrate Christmas.
But the good news is that I realized after my bath that though it's hard..I am doing it...without dragging anyone else into it. And a few months ago I wouldn't have been strong enough.  Now I am
Blessings.

All of the good things

snow.  twinkle lights.  snoring dog.  dying fire.  coming out of my room and being in the family room. soooo much food.  roast and brie and crackers and posole and raspberries.  wine and coffee.  a merry christmas eve to me and my loved ones from someone in the past.  a warm house.  going through stuff to donate.  broken plates. i didn't want them anymore.  tears.
i'm having a hard time with it...but i'm doing my stinkin' best.  lost it at about fire. :)  that's ok.  i'm allowed.  it's a hard time.  and i have to do it on my own.  i get that.  i have known it for weeks.  i have always love christmas eve.  i was always the one up late "doing" for the kids.  now....butthead gets the privilege.  hope he does well for them.  really do.
i might have to go away in the morning.  i don't know if i can stand it.  i'm trying though.  things to do here.  grading.  gradebook.  schoolwork.  cleaning my kids' rooms.  i can do it.  i'm sure of it.  and yet...a part of me wants to hit the car and go.  not far so much as just....out.  but...a part of me just knows that the bottom line goodness in this all is knowing that i don't have to be with him anymore.  that he has no power in my life.
it's good.  very good.  jesus was born.  he lived.  and he died.  he died for me.  loves me every single day. even when i'm a mess.  and i'm pretty much a mess tonight.  trying to be normal.
but, today when i was out driving around i was very aware of the fact that i have friends that have...disappeared.  some would say that they haven't in that they talk to me if i initiate contact..but beyond that, i never hear from them.  two of them i feel a loss.  knowing that they have to do what they need to do, but also knowing that i have to give myself time to mourn and feel that pain.  i am allowed to experience the pain.  i am allowed to be a mess.
there are so many good things in my life.  mostly people.  i am so blessed with love and with a very amazing life.  i just have to have this experience.  and then...i'll have done it and survived.  my ex won't be giving me a holiday sweater this year and then letting me know how i'm not very thankful.  i don't have to pretend tomorrow.  i can just be.  that's good.  though majorly painful.  as for this moment...i can't believe that it's 7:15.  Wow.  Seems much later.  Guess I have plenty of time to get some things done.  Or shows watched.  Or whatever.
"you're gonna make it after all" is one of my favorite lines from a song.  very old.  mary tyler moore.  i'm gonna make it after all.  and you are going to make it too.
ya know...i'm so much better than last christmas.  that's progress.  i'm not where i want to be nor who i want to be, but i am closer than i was then.
blessings.

Only cried once.....today....so far

I only cried when a kid asked me what I was doing tomorrow.  Began giving scenarios.  I hadn't thought of what to say when asked.  Something chipper.  I said that it would be a good day.  But, the tears began as I walked away.  She called me back to ask me something else.  I choked back the emotion and turned back. But boy, it was tough.
And now...here I am.  On Christmas Eve.  Me.  My dogs.  My fire and Christmas tree.  A really yummy roast I slow cooked since yesterday.  Brie cheese.  Towels to fold.  Some chores to do.  Stuff to occupy myself on my mind.
My eldest adopted son called and wished me a happy Christmas Eve.  Twas thoughtful.  Actually, it was left on a message.
Today I had to realize that I wouldn't probably hear from my kids.  That they are uncomfortable talking in front of everyone.  And...emotionally, I think that it might be too hard on them
Shopping done.  For my kids at least.
I'm making it.  A few minutes at a time.  Cleaned up around the yard today.  More laundry.  Shopping. Avoid people I know at the store.  Still wish I was up to the Christmas Eve service.  Oh well.  I'll just play carols at home.
I'm ok.  I'm even able to say no thanks.  I think that I have it in check.  I have posole cooking.  Smells delicious.  I'll freeze the leftovers for when my kids get back.  I might make banana bread for breakfast.  Maybe.  We'll see.  My body demands a lot of rest in between doing things.  I am working through a hard thing and it is draining.
I did realize today how important it is for me to contact people in future years and wish them a happy Christmas...because maybe they are having a hard time.  I have heard from one friend.  As it should be.  People have things to do.  But, I want to use this time to make me kinder and more sensitive to what others might need in the future.
Blessings to you.  And though you don't know me, I still pray for you.  I hope that Christmas finds you knowing that there is hope.  That there are choices.  But most of all, that you are abundantly and blessedly loved.  And His love never fails.  Ever.
Merry Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve Day

Here we go.  On to the two days I have steeled myself for.  I had toyed with going to the Christmas Eve service at my church, but it was not a good idea.  The questions I don't need.  The "where are the kids" and "what is up with you?"  Or even the statement that I get a lot, "I haven't seen you around lately."  Nah.  I'll pass.
But, today I'll try to finish up shopping.  Get some wrapping paper and tape.  I have food to eat.  I have what I need to survive the stores being closed. ;)  Now, I just have to do it.  I will.  Have a lot to do around my house still.  Cleaning.  Organizing.  Making it cozier for me.  Getting rid of some things.
I'm strong.  I'm not alone.  Not in my heart.  Though the ones I love have other obligations and plans....still, somehow, I'm not alone.
And yet....I am. ;)
blessings.

the heart of a friend

i have not written about my best friend these past days.  it has been too vulnerable.  she has been kind to me in this holiday season..my kids are gone...but she helps to make things feel normal.  she doesn't diminish my pain, but she provided activity the day they all left.  it was probably halfway into the day before i realized that most likely she hadn't really needed the shopping trip that day.  she stayed out though she was sick.  she went to a book store with me.  her compassion is touching.  while i don't really hear from people, and frankly, simply didn't expect to, she checks in.  she doesn't make it awkward or make it like she's hovering or being inconvenienced.  yet, she texts to see if i'm making it. just the fact that she understands that i might not be....is kind.  caring.
her heart is so gentle.  but with a strength and dedication.  she soothes.  she encourages.
she even invited me over to eat on christmas day.  i am smart enough not to say yes, don't worry.  i haven't lost all of my good sense.  but the fact that she was willing to ask for a day that she has with all of her kids...which is rare...was a gift in itself.  it's not the having to go.  not having to be somewhere. just the being allowed to know that i was cared about can be enough.
her tattoo artist son joked the other day that we should get mizpah tattoos when we are old.  kinda silly sounding, but then again....while i am not a tattoo person....it also makes me smile.  because i was gifted with that kind of friend.  the david and jonathan friend.  where it's not just when convenient.  and it's not just when things are needy.  it just.....is.  i have given up trying to explain it and instead just am thankful.
she makes me a better, braver person.  and stays even when i'm not.  she has the heart of a true friend.
and this christmas, as i am counting up my gifts..it's way at the top.  the gift of friendship.
don't get me wrong.  i have lots of friends.  or, at least, i did.  i am thankful for all of them.  each a unique and special individual.  but this friend is the forever kind of friend.  the kind of friend that i can picture being silly when we are 90.  that is a happy thing.  very happy.
blessings.

Wine

Yep.  It has been nice this afternoon and evening.  Sipping wine.  I know....probably not the best thing.  But, it has helped. And I am getting things done.  Even facing THE closet again.  Got the floor nearly cleared out.  Nearly.  Been having a hard time of it.  But, I also made the game room/living room homier.  I have done laundry.  Dishes.  Grocery shopped.  Got gas.  Got curtains for the living room. Black..weird, but it's the game room and it is appropriate somehow.  Maybe I'll do the walls this week. The green grates on me somehow.  Candles burning.  A fire.  Tree lit.  Bath running.  Shows watched. Going through papers.  Moving furniture.  Working, but not hard. Just enjoying this time as much as I can.  Though I miss the kids. I mostly hang at home and think how it'll be Christmas next week...not in two days....but when my kids get home.  I guess I'm in denial, but it works.
Alone the entire day.  Don't know that there will be many different.  That's ok.  Got lots to do and think about and learn.  Others need to be focused on their dear and loved ones.  And...no martyr feelings at all....I finally can just accept that the family I would have been with is in the cemetery.  That's how it is.  Period.  And my kids?  I think that this is a good time for them to learn too.  Maybe they are getting a clearer view of who their dad's family is.  How they function  Or don't.  And maybe it will help bring healing as they see that it wasn't them at all that caused me to part from their dad.  Maybe.  Just maybe. They will see what I lived through.  A bit.  And understand. Maybe.
Gotta take a nice hot bath.  Nice hot.

Hard for me to believe

I gave the best I have.  The very best.  The amazing kids.  The best kids.  Our kids.  And whether my ex in-laws like me or not....they could at least be kind to my kids.  No matter what.  But, my 18 year old doesn't like his dad very much right now.  He doesn't respect him.  And I had hoped for some healing over this holiday.  But it won't come without pain.  Some kind of closure is what my son needs.  Either that they see each other or don't...but that there is an understanding.  What a travesty that my son is under so much stress. Enough to actually tell me...that is a LOT.  A whole LOT.   Two of his older brothers want to help.  But, being heard in that unhealthy environment is nearly impossible.  Anyone who speaks up becomes the enemy.  I should know.  Without me there, I guess someone had to take the scapegoat position.  Sad.
My kids are amazing.  And though my one son has been troubled.  Has been depressed. He has been healing.  He has been getting better.  Slowly.  And my prayer is that as hard as this is...that he will heal more.  He needs to see who he wants to be...and who he doesn't.
They are being so mean to him.  His uncle says he'll have nothing else to do with him.  The other is ridiculing his college choice.  His grandmother is "disappointed" in him.  And he can be moody.  He can be stubborn.  He can be difficult.  But somehow, he is also very wonderful.  Full of insight.  Full of wanting something better.
This is an important time.  Though awful.  He has to make it through.  And decide who to be.
An...since they are playing favorites with his litle brother again...it's not getting any easier.
But somehow...this is the way through.
Poor son.
And yet...I am realizing how desperately I need this time.  Really need the time.   Desperate.  Like a starving woman.
Still hard for me to believe....how hard would it be to just be nice?  sigh.

You, my ex, are a total ass.

My son has been texting me today.  He is distraught.  He has been made fun of.  Has suffered the ridicule and being told that his nanny is disappointed in him.  He has been made uncomfortable by his dad.  He has texted how his dad hasn't changed at all.  How he listens in to his conversations and doesn't stand up for him or anyone.  I am so done with that family.  They hurt.  They harm.  And some of them are fun.  But, together, the toxicity is horrible.  My son is suffering.  But my prayer isn't for him to run off.  It's to stand up.  To speak.  His brother is helping.  He has words to say but feels like he won't be heard.  Even making fun of the colleges he is going to.  What jerks.  But the most amazing ass is his dad.  Because he doesn't make people back off of his son. Instead, he stands aside.  Instead, he allows.  I know how it feels.  He pretends not to notice anything is wrong.  In reality, he is just glad that it's not him.  Because he is weak.  My son is strong.  And he will stand.  And he will probably not go back.  Makes me sad for them.  What a horrible loss.
I guess that being a total ass is what you did best, my ex.  You let others suffer so that you can feel good.  You are too chicken to speak up or have any standards that might make your mommy say that she isn't proud of you.  But she never says that she's proud of you anyway.  Just like you are with your kids.  What a jerk you are.  Unkind.  Unfeeling.  Without remorse.  Unless something hurts YOU or makes YOU uncomfortable.  You are completely narcissistic.  Completely.  I really am glad that you aren't in my life.  You have harmed this family.  Not just me.  And for all of your claims of loving your kids...you have never put yourself aside and made a point to lift them up.  Oh, for the kudos you will say the right things.  If you are trying to win them back, of course you will write the right thing.  But you don't live it.  It rings false.  There's no fruit.
total ass.  Why does it STILL surprise me?  And hurt me?  I made a lousy choice in you.  And why in hell did I ever care about being good enough for you?  I have a higher standard than that.
I am angry on behalf of my children.  YOu should just be thankful that they are as kind as they are.

Life in the Single again mode

I have been without my husband since last April.  But, with all of the paperwork and court and emotions and kid stuff and work and cleaning and.....you get the idea....I've barely been able to process it all.  I try to make time.  To feel it.  To deal with things.  But, it is always in the huge mix of everyone else and a lot of other needs.
Today...I woke up all alone.  Well, I woke up first, much earlier, frightened. I don't like being alone in this house.  Never have.  My saint bernard used to make it bearable, but she is gone.  But, I remembered that I'm safe and cared for.  I managed to eventually go back to sleep.  I slept late.  Went to the grocery store and bought foods that I like to eat!  I put gas in the car because a storm is rolling in.  I took my dog with me.  I was supposed to take a friend's son to church, but he was sleeping.  I wasn't going....no buffer means I don't go.  Not doing that to myself right now.
But, today, as I am doing things around the house...cleaning out the fireplace and collecting wood and little things just to get it to messy after the kids left instead of like a tornado hit it, today, this very day....I thanked God for something that I never thought I'd be able to thank Him for.  I thanked Him for giving me this time.  Yes, though it means Christmas without my kids.  Though I miss them like I miss a coat on a blustery, winter day.  Evenso, He gifted me with this time.  Really, I got to meet my own needs and wants a the store.  I go to think about what I want to do.  I get to get up when I want and sleep when I want.  I can work or not work.  I can putter.  I can be doing ten things at once and not getting them done.  I can...and did...eat half of the coffee cake.  And I am breathing. Really breathing.  Actually..enjoying...in a somber sort of way.  Reality can really stink.  But, the basic truth is that this is so much better than last Christmas.  Last Christmas, I thought that I wouldn't make it.  Having my ex here was horrible.  I got him nice gifts.  I did the Santa thing.  I made the food.  I kept it normal for my kids.  But I was barely able to do it.  I was so distraught.  Troubled.
And now?  Now I am single.  Not married.  It's hard to even process that.  I get that he's not here.  And am thankful for that, but I can't hardly believe that I am single.  That I don't have to be tied to him anymore.  That I am not obligated to meet his needs nor be acceptable to him anymore.  What a relief that is!  Love it.  More than words can express.  He hurt me so much.  He never stood up for me, but he did stand against me.  He never encouraged unless he wanted something.  He made me feel like a prostitute.  And the crazy part was that I felt guilty for it all.  I felt badly that I wasn't doing it all well enough.  But in the here and now...in the singleness....I find a deep sense of peace.  I find comfort.  I find a blessed contentedness.  A relaxing of my heart and mind.  I find that I am able to look forward in life.  That I am able to function in the here and now.
I am more thankful than I ever imagined possible.  This Christmas, I am free from the burden of abuse.  No, he never hit me.  But he used me for his own purposes.  And he didn't give back.  He played the victim so fully.  I bought it.  I took care of him.  I tried to make everything ok.  But everything was not ok.  It slowly destroyed me.  It was dysfunctional in a horrible way.  All while looking so good.  And, hearing about how things are with my kids down with his family...I remember it all too clearly.  Bad relational habits.  But he didn't make a different choice  He chose to behave exactly like his mother that is toxic.  Toxic.  The best word.  Slowly poisoning.  Stealing life.  Taking over the good with bad.  I am so glad to be single.
I AM SINGLE!!! merry christmas to me.
Blessings.

Christmas Letter

In the wee hours in the stage between exhaustion and sleep...after dropping my son at the airport for a very early morning flight..I composed a tongue in cheek Christmas letter to send out to all.
It isn't full of political correctness nor concern for people's feelings.  It is simply what I wanted to blurt out. :)
Dear All,
Happy Christmas to you and a great New Year as well.
2012 has been a very busy and fulfilling year in my life.  I determined last Christmas to make some changes.  I entered the New Year of 2012 with some goals.  One of them was to find a way to breathe again.  Life had become completely unbearable as my marriage has never been fulfilling nor satisfying.  As a matter of fact, it has been painful and degrading.  My marriage has taken so much more from me personally than it ever gave to me.  Except for my kids.  They were worth every moment.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.
In March, I filed for a legal separation.  For those of you who don't know, it is a termination of marriage but without the benefit of being able to remarry.  I don't really care about remarrying.  As a matter of fact, at this point in time, the thought makes me shudder.  I tried to hard for so long.  I prayed.  I hoped.  I wanted to be who he needed or wanted.  But somehow, it was always an epic fail. He likes to be disappointed.  And worried.  And a victim.  But, while legal separation is not called divorce, it is a dissolution of marriage.
I also chose this because my ex holds religious beliefs about divorce that meant he would have fought if I pursued a divorce.  I didn't want to fight anymore.  I didn't want to go against his convictions.  Though I find them hilarious...what difference does it make if you aren't divorced if you are hateful and judgemental and far from one another?  But, nonetheless, I chose the former.
Now, as the year ends, a divorce is available to me without having to go back to court.  I think that it will be what I do in the New Year.  Because, you see, my ex has used the fact that we aren't divorced against me.  He has behaved to others as if things are fine.  As if I  have left him with the idea that we are getting back together.  Not happening Not ever.  No thank you.  It was abusive and mean in the first place.  I will never go back.
And so, this letter comes to say that I have appreciated the time that you have been in my life.  However, I realize that some of you will have a problem with the fact that I am done being married and am moving forward.  This is a letter to let you know that as a gift, I will drop your name from my email or mail list if you want me to if you only let me know.  You don't have to say why.  I understand that it's difficult. But, what some of you don't seem to understand is that it's difficult for me too.  I have spent all of these months making it with very little emotional support.  I have walked a rough journey.  But I am stronger now.  And, not further from God.  I had to learn that God does not see me as simply a failure, but as one whom He loves.  I am learning to walk in His grace.  And you might ask why I don't offer that grace and forgiveness ot my ex.  I do.  Wholeheartedly.  But not with the assumption that forgiveness means that I care to reconcile or to even pursue such.  Nope.  It's just not happening.  I've heard his I'm sorries for years.  I've seen him weep.  But what I haven't seen is his care for others.  He was extremely self centered in our family life.  In this time, I hope to offer to our children a better relationship with him as they have to forge their own relationship without leaning on my as an interpreter
You will see him I'm sure.  And talk to him.  And being his friend may be what you choose.  But please understand that I don't desire to be convinced by you.  If you need to walk away, then do so without trying to guilt me.  I am done with the guilt.  I am quite good enough at feeling guilty all on my own.
You may see me as selfish.  But I want you to know that I am not.  Not at all.  My kids are gone from me this holiday because I am quite the opposite.  Because I gave my in laws the best gift ever...the one that costs me everything...the holidays with my kids.  I paid to get three of them there.  The others rode with their dad.  I gave in a manner that was like ripping out my heart.  And, I gift him every time I encourage them to see him.  To talk to him.  To build a relationship that is strong.  I am no saint.  I honestly think that he's an ass.  But he's their dad.  And I honor that.  Though he often does not.
This year HAS been eventful.  I am finally telling the truth...my marriage was broken for a very long time.  It had died.  I am finally laying it to rest.  Maybe it was never really alive.  I feel like I spent my entire life giving it CPR.  And this is the best year I've had in a very long time.  The hardest and yet, in paradox, the most deeply satisfying.  No blame.  I am responsible for the woman God expects me to become.  No blaming the ex.  No holding back.  Going forward.
You have touched my life.  I realize that from here our paths may diverge.  I just want you to know that I wish you the very best.  I am thankful for you.  And I understand why it might be too hard to stay.  It's not pretty.  It's not easy.  It's scary and it's messy.  But...it is truth.  And it is time for me to stop covering for his bad behavior.  So...I am.  Way back when I decided that I would part from him, I knew that I might lose all of my friends.  I have lost many.  But, I have gained back the ability to be the woman that can stand up.  That can love her kids. That can laugh wholeheartedly.  That can think of a future with hope and joy and not fear and sickness.
I am happy.  Not all healed yet.  But healing.  I am moving forward.  I am working.  I am learning.  I am praying.
I hope that this coming year...and all of the future ones.....is satisfying and full of blessings that you are aware of and thankful for.
With lots of love.
grace.

Here it is...

My first night alone.  I put off thinking about it all day long.  I determined to enjoy what I was doing.  I am tough that way. :)  I am tough in a lot of ways.  Not unfeeling in any way...but learning to be present.  To work through the now and leave the grief for another moment.  Like...maybe now.  I bought more wine than I've bought before.  I have a glass now.  I have a show going.  I am going to eat something since I ate very little today.  But, I'm just going to take it moment by moment.  Eight days.  I still have to decide what I'm doing.  I'll get it soon.  Somehow.  I believe that I'll know.
The time has come.  And i have survived.  As hard as it is.  And as hard as it is, I'm glad to be done being with him.
So happy about that.
blessings.

inhale

having a hard time getting a breath in this early morning.  kids leave today.  yet, on the other hand, a strange sense of relief...of not constantly waiting for the painful thing to happen.  i'm really glad that they will all be together.  my one son went early and has been facing the questioning/bullying all on his own.  i hate that.  i hate that by me being free from their dad that his relatives want to make it hard on them.  that they don't want to just love on, but to find blame.  because i am the one that they find blame with.  i know that my kids might not be strong enough to stand for me.  my husband never did.  it hurts to realize that i have to let go of that.  that i have to risk that they will buy into the mean things that they hear.  it's painful at best.
but, it'll be time to get on with life after i drop off my son at the airport.  i was going to try to race back and see my other kids off, but i'm not sure that i can do it.  and i don't want to make it back when their dad is in the driveway.  we all said goodbye last night.  hugged.  loved on each other.
i didn't interact as much as i thought i would be able to.  had to keep holding my breath.  had to hold back the intense emotions.  there was even anger there.  just needed to keep it all in check until they were out the door.  not anger at them.  anger at the fact that their dad was so rude about all of this and yet is getting all of the credit.
ok, gotta get cleaned up and go to the airport with my son.  you know, my ex could have offered to take him.  but, he is so very self centered.  my other kids are getting up early and he said he might be late.  i find that so rude...."get up and wait until i can make it."  oh well.  bottom line is that they will have a good time.
now.  breathe.  in.  ouch.  long time passes.......oh wait, don't hold your breath.  out.   time passes.  come on, pull in another breath.
it's hard.
blessings.

Ok. Just nearly gonna make it

I made breakfast.  Ate together.  Got a bath.....read that as time away.  I have the kids off shopping.  I've got no car.  Here in this pre Christmas house.  My friend came by.  She mentioned that I could go to the city with her.  I jumped on the opportunity like a starving pup on it's mama.  But...I decided that I shouldn't go.  I know that she craves some alone time.  I saw that she invited out of caring about me.  And I knew that I should decline for the same reason.
Being needy is not too great.
May be a rough few days.  But...it'll get better.
blessings.

Avoidance

I want to do the things that I know I should be doing, want to interact and clean and cook.  I want to do so much.  But I feel like I'm avoiding.  Like having too much good at this moment will make Saturday, the day I let my kids go for the holidays, impossibly harder.   Or maybe it's the numbness.  I just can't function right.  I know it's the holiday and I need to do the cookies and all...but all I can feel is a deep sad.  Which, I work to not show to my kids.  I want them to be free from that.  Just don't know what to do with it all.  The feelings are pretty overwhelming.
I'm going to try.  I may fail.  In which case, I'll know that I did the best I could.  That's all I can give.  Of course, they can't possibly understand what is holding their usually holiday happy mama back.  So...again, I have to try.  And all I want to do is lay here in bed.  Watch some shows.  Overwhelming tired.  I'd rather not have to show up today.
I know that beyond having them leave that I have been practicing my no thank yous in my mind and heart.  I don't need for anyone to fix this.  I know that they can't.  And I certainly don't need nor want for this to hurt anyone else.  I have looked for last minute trips today.  So that I will have the strength to do this without anyone else having a sense that they have to fix it for me.  Won't be easy.  Not at all.  But it will be possible.  I love quite a few people.  I'm not going to let my Christmas pain be a downer for anyone else.  I've got to get through this.  Absolutely.
And all I can do is pray.  Because I can't imagine a Christmas day without hugs from my kids.  Well, I can to a degree...and even in the bit that I can guess at, it is indescribably hard.  The tears flow.  I don't want to lose it with my kids.  Every nerve is raw.  Every emotion is on high alert.
Afraid of doing the traditions.  The things I started with them.  Afraid that I will not make it through it...knowing that they will do it, begin it...but then leave.
Truly, I am in a place of pain.  Explains why I waffle between running away and staying put.  I keep thinking that if I make no plan, I can just start driving if I can't stand it.  But all of the places I look at are showing their special romantic or family things going on for the holiday.  Aaaah.  Another reason I'd need a house instead.  I don't know what I'll do.  I could stay home and pretend to be gone.  Have honestly contemplated that more than once.  Just staying in while checking out of my world.  I know that I have plenty of work to keep me busy.
I am avoiding it all.  Here in my bed.  Resting.  Not sleeping.  Went to bed rather early.  Today I've got to get up.  No excuse of being exhausted from going to the airport at the crack of dawn.  Mercy.  Hope I survive it all.  At least when I get them gone, I will be able to fall apart.  Guess that's the silver lining in this case.  Finally able to scream and cry.  Doesn't seem to holidayish.  Yet....at least it won't hurt them.  I desperately want them to have an absolutely peaceful and fun trip.  Laughter galore.  Games.  But they can only have that if I release them to be fully present without guilt or pain where they are.  I CAN do this.  Because they are worth even more than that.  And while their dad is a donkey...they don't need to think so.  Or even know that I think so.
So.  Now.  How do I even begin?
By trying.  One little piece at a time.
blessings.

The Hard Things

I don't know how to explain the hard things to people.  Feels like they either get it or they don't.  I hear people talk about their lives and how bad it is or was.  And I hear them.  But sometimes, when I talk, all it feels like people hear is how they have it worse or how I'll be just fine.  Or how...whatever.  Today was a hard day in my life.  The beginning of a Christmas Break that I am determined will not "break" me, but that is going to be difficult.
A co worker got why I might go away on Christmas without me explaining it...."so that nobody feels obligated to be with you."  Yep.  Can't stand that thought.  Each should have their own families.  Do their traditions.  Do what it is that is "family".  And it's very good.  And I don't want to be a distraction from how good that is.  And going away will assure that I will be able to say "no" if someone asks in that kind way that people do.  But, Christmas is...as my co worker explained as well...family.  It's not like the other holidays.  It's jammies and presents and inside jokes and silliness.  I know.  I have it.  Just not this year.  It's not a day to "entertain" but to relax with the very closest people to you.  And while it makes me sad that that doesn't exist apart from my kids, I also know that it's tie for me to deal with that.  Because my kids will be grown soon anyway.  With their own lives and families.
A friend was telling me today how I'll be more gaga over a grandchild when it belongs to my "real" son as opposed to the two that belong to my adopted son.  And perhaps it's true.  I kinda got the idea that I don't do the grandma thing very well with them.  Which I freely admit...I'm not quite to grandma era yet with three teens still at home.  But I can't guarantee that it will be different.  Maybe I'm not very good at it or something.  I don't really know.  I love them.  I enjoy them.  I don't want to mother them.  I just want to marvel at them and hug them and encourage them.  I want to be proud of their parents and let them know that.  But, I see that I'm not too great of a grandma.
Today was hard because I met with friends because I wasn't done grieving having dropped my son at the airport.  I was aching.  And I couldn't put it to words without help.  But it felt like when I would try, there was a comeback of how it was for her.  How she has it so very bad.  I concur.  My life is very blessed.  I don't want to sit in a restaurant and convince anyone how bad my life is.  Ever.  But...I guess today....I needed a little pity party.  An acknowledgement that I am living through a hard thing and doing a pretty good job.
But its not anyone's job to do that.  I just have to know it.  And make it through.  And...some do know.
blessings.

Finding Happy

Here I am.  The day before my son leaves for Texas for 11 days.  Or is it 12?  Hmmm.  But, here I am at school.  With all of my fifth graders.  Healthy.  Playing games.  Listening to Pandora Kid's Christmas.  Hearing them laugh.  Opening their sweet gifts.  They are safe.  They are alive.  They are crazy excited.  Exactly as it should be.  And I am blessed.  Because of something so ordinary.  Something that some people think they deserve or should expect.  Normalcy.  But nothing is normal in Newtown, CT this week.  And it won't be for some of those families ever again.  I want to live in thankfulness.  Not take forgranted the good. Because there is so much good.  So very much good.  If you could only hear them playing board games.  The cacophony is amazing.  The hugs are tight.  The love we share for this year is as real as any love that anyone shares in life.  They will move on.  Grow up.  But for this year, they are my kids.  They are sweet souls that change my life daily.  They make me grow.
I am learning.  I am finding happy.  Genuine happy.  The kind that reaches into the depths and through all of the pain and ignites a flame.  I am finding it day to day.  Slowly as I go.  And though I worry for my own kids and wonder if I've scarred them with my decision...as the good church people say....I think that I have given them a glimpse of what it means to remake a life.  That God does not hate us when we fail.  That He is not a punisher of the downcast.  Rather, He is a lifter of our heads.  And He loves us.  Period.  I hope that they see how I have to lean into Him.  That it isn't just following some rules but trusting His heart.  I hope that they understand that that is how I feel about them.
Yes, happy is a part of this beautiful tragedy.  And my gift this Christmas is freedom.  Freedom to breathe.  To live.  To give.
blessings.

Fighting for me. Fighting for them.

It came to me why I'm so tired.  Worn out.  I am fighting for me.  To live.  To survive.  But, beyond that, I am fighting for each of my kids.  To have a voice.  To know how loved he/she is.  To be able to speak truth.  To tell their stories.To be brave.  To not cave to the pressure to always have to please.  We ALWAYS had to please.  I am doing it.  A day...sometimes only a moment...at a time.  We are making it.
He doesn't have to do that.  He could, but he is only fighting for what he wants and needs.  Hmmm.  That's a telling sign.  Guess I should have known sooner.
blessings.

Trip Hunting

Back to looking for trips.  Back to Oregon.  I've looked in the Southeast, but I know that I need to be somewhere more familiar.  Need to feel comfortable enough.  Found a lot of places.  Makes me a little sad since most of the read "sleeps 4-8".  Great rates.  I'm only looking within walking distance and view of the ocean.  Guess I'll have to decide.  Thinking I should just take off when my kids go.  I'll have a few days around before that to do stuff around this house.  To hang with kids.  Maybe it would just be best for me to leave early Saturday after seeing everyone off.  It will keep me out of the way of those chilling with their families.  Somehow the idea of anyone feeling sorry just kinda makes me ill.  Not that they don't love me.  Just don't have to fix things.  I know it's not their job.  But, as fragile as I've been, I just think I'll be too needy.  I have things I want to do at home.  And yet....somehow....it seems like it could be bad.  Like I would be uncomfortable.  Maybe not.  I guess I'm uncertain because it's all new territory.
I'll just pray and see what is available.  It is kinda weird to look at houses for just me.  I like the kitchen though.  I want to do the best thing...only wish I knew what that was.  Guess I'll know pretty soon.
blessings.

This made my day.

A Good Morning

I've spent a good morning looking over the paperwork to convert my legal separation to a divorce.  $53 filing fee.  Two forms.  And....I can still change my name if I want to.  Hmmmm......maybe a completely new name. :)  Probably not.  But, I filled out a form online.  It's an easy form.  I have to make a copy and special mail it to him.  And I have to take the form and submit it to the court.  The judge will sign the motion and it's done.  Merry Christmas to me.
Soon, I tell myself.  Very soon.
But, as for now, it's bath and shop time.  Hopefully he sent the check and I can also go to the bank.  We'll see. Here goes a day of my choosing.  A gift from my Heavenly Father.  Who, did I mention, loves me.  Just as I am today.
blessings.

Sleep

In the now, I can sleep.  I can heal.  In the now, I can take time and think.  In the now, I can pray and read and learn about  how God loves me without beating myself up about why I can't be enough in my marriage.  In the now, I can take a good look at myself and see who I want to be....and proceed to choose that....no matter how hard it is to accomplish.  I get to choose.  And that's hard.  And it's so good.  He is not at fault for who I become.  He hurts me over and over.  He speaks disparagingly of me in that charming, poor him kind of way.  He has people around him being his support, his prayer group.  To pray for me to not be so sinful, basically.  I guess that feeling is what galls me.  He says how he takes responsibility.  For what happened in the past.  What about in the here and now.  What about him taking responsibility for being a father to his kids.  Not someone who leans on them and needs them to meet his needs, but quite the opposite.  It is like being pummeled to hear his words to see the effect they are having in the world.  It is bruising to my soul.
And then, on top of it all, here comes Christmas.  I'm kinda sad not to be having the day where I get to hand out the presents.  Where there's a nice meal and a quiet afternoon.  Made all the more difficult knowing that he is well aware that I made the traditions with the kids...that he participated in the parts he wanted to.  Not sure I'll make a Jesus birthday cake this year.  Kinda hard....cake for one.  But, maybe a cupcake. ;)  Jesus for one, please.  I know He'll be in attendance.  I just like having the rest of the family too.
My ex is suddenly everywhere.  Gathering everyone to his side.  He is working on our oldest son.  Telling him things.  Trying to make him feel sorry for him.  Letting him know how they should pray.  And....it is disheartening.  He did not lead our family EVER spiritually.  Not an iota.  He would pray long prayers at holidays with a crowd.  He would sometimes pray at our table for our family.  Not with our family, not with our kids, not with me...oh, unless he was worried about money...then he would pray with me and in so doing, also let me know how disappointed he was in me.  But now he's praying with multiple men's groups.  Sharing in church venues.  Telling our kids things that make him look like a victim.  Unlike me.  I tell them I chose.  I tell them that I couldn't make it.  I tell them that I know it is hard and that I'm sorry that my decision causes them pain.  My daughter says, "no it doesn't".  They know.  They get it.  Even if none of us just say how he wasn't there for us.  Wasn't any kind of strength.  He's a user upper.  Everyone around has to put in energy to keep him going.  It's wearing.  Imagine 20 years of it.  Like driving a gas guzzler with gas prices like they are now.  Always having to fill up with the prices dear.  Makes little money left for anything else.  Or little energy or emotion...in the analogy.
I got to sleep.  In my bed.  Without him to trouble me.
Maybe I'll get to go to church one week or maybe even two while he's gone.  Maybe.  If I can do it for the right reasons.  I long to be there.  I weep often for the loss.  Not of him.....of my church family.  He, I am done with.  Completely.  Today is the day that I can submit paperwork for a divorce.  I haven't done it because I know that bad things can really ruin holidays forever for kids.  And I also know that he would play the victim to his family and the kids.  But this little part of me just wants him to get the papers before he goes.  Let him explain it now.  Let him tell them how he's not divorced.  But, I don't want to do it out of spite.  And....I don't want to hurt his dad nor his holiday.  It's hard to carry hurt so others don't.  And it feels like that is what Christmas will be for me this year.  Letting others have what they need while trying to make it look like it's fine.  Because everyone wants to feel better about it.  But they also want to have what they need how they are used to it.  As it should be.
So, I may not get what I need or desire, but I will get something that will work.  I will be careful with my self.  With me.  I am greatly deserving of some kindness right about now.
blessings.

Numb

I don't know where to begin.  I don't even know how to say it anymore.  I feel like I walk in this bubble.  As if there is no explaining the pain nor the feelings that occur.  I spent time tonight hearing second hand how my ex is talking about me.  How he is a victim.  I am beyond hurt.  I am beyond angry.  I am....wounded, crushed, disbelieving that he says that he wants to pursue forgiveness and renewal but that he still acts like he doesn't get that what happened between us was a big deal.  He still scares me.  I think that I'm afraid to file the divorce papers.  The repercussions would be more than I'm living through now and even in the now, I don't feel too strong.  I feel.........lonely.  I went to a friend's house after all of the stuff was told to me...after a long day and rough evening.  She is kind.  She was loving.  But...I felt badly.  Like I gripe too much these days.  I'm just so crushed.  And here come the holidays and again I say....what to do?  I don't have anyone to say, "let's go do this cool thing."  I have to make it all alone.  I have to realize that.  And I have to embrace it.  But crying seems more appropriate right now.
He is stirring things up.  Telling people how he's a victim.  Guess that explains why I don't get any warm welcome from my pastor's wife anymore.  Guess that pretty much cinches the fact that I really have no "home"...no "family" within my church.  How can I manage that?  My whole life my church has been home and family to me.  Now that I've stood against the wrong that was going on...I am no longer a part.  And I could go and bad mouth.  I could make a fuss.  But who would that make me?  Not someone I'm proud of.
Tonight I just wanted to start driving.  Problem is...I'm not sure I'd want to come back.
Except for my kids, I'm not sure that it would really matter.
I feel completely exhausted.  Drained.  Went straight to bed when I got home.  I want to spew all of the mean things he did.  But to whom?
Instead, I retreat into my computer and blankets.  I remind myself that others don't need to be dragged into my garbage this holiday season.
Oh, I am so worried that my exes family will not be nice to my son.  That they will belittle the reasons that he doesn't want to spend time with his dad.
And.....I hope that they don't talk about me badly.  My oldest will come unglued if they do.
Yes, I went to a friends.  I wanted to crawl under a blanket and rest.  To just be with someone who hears me and sees me.  It just wasn't a good time.  I knew that.  I just....wanted it to be.  I wanted to just rest.  Really rest.  Not all alone.  Though being alone isn't horrid.  Tonight, I was lonely.  Suddenly all too aware of the fact that I have lost what "family" I had.
It's not fair.  It's not nice.  It's plain mean.  I can't change it.  I can't help what people believe.  I can't help that they want to help him.  He has to grab up every relationship when he doesn't even want relationship.  It's maddening.
How tragically troubling.  And the school shooting just hurt too.  My students will know come Monday.  And I will tell them what any teacher would..."yes, I'd stand between you and the maniac."  To my last breath, I would.  I do love.  I do love deeply.  But everyone I love has "real" family to love. It is what it is.  It doesn't change my love.  It just makes it a bit painful.  Ok, sometimes more than a bit.
He really needs to get it....I'm done....but no matter how I say it or how much I say it, he says that God will fix it.  That it's God's will.  Glad he feels confident to speak for God.
Yes, that was sarcasm.
grace to you.  I AM done.  My marriage is over.  Finished.  Next phase of life.......

Seems like an appropriate message for me today......thanks to exceptional living on facebook....

Seriously....gets tiring

So, I take a much needed hot bath after and evening of son, daughter in law and grandsons....very nice evening, but then, I was really tired after the whole day and all.  Worn out.  Went and took a really deep...literally up to my chin...bath and soaked out some of the physical pain.  Got out.  Put on sweats and a shirt.  Went to turn down the heat and tell my boys goodnight when what to my unbelieving eyes should appear but car lights in my drive that belong to my ex.  I don't know why he was in my drive.  Perhaps he towed my sons car here.  Perhaps.  Weird that he doesn't mention it.  And he told my other son to go in the barn...my barn....and get certain things to use.  My son asked me because he says it's my house.  But....it's all just so weird.  So....odd.  But, as I waltzed in front of the door window in my pj's before I realized that there was anyone out there, I had an epiphany...for over a week I won't see him around town or have to worry about him stopping by the house for any reason.  There's something good.  I'm always one to look for something good.  ;)
But still....for tonight, it wears on me having him pull in my drive.  Having him out there when I'm scantily clad...just feels icky.  Like an intrusion.  He hurt me too much and I'm still needing time and space.  The space he gives deals with communicating about the kids...doesn't do that at all.  He wants me to get back together.  He communicates about that.  He did text that he needs to take them out to dinner next week to celebrate Christmas......I texted back that I thought that they were spending Christmas together.  He said that he wants to give them their gifts and do it with their friends.  Gift exchanging isn't going on in TX.  Well, their grandparents might do something, I don't know.
Still out in my driveway.  I turned off my bedroom light.  It's 9:30 at night.  I'm tired.  I don't want to interact with anyone else today.
But one thing is sure...he just continues to do as he pleases. Now, it feels like he's always trying to buy them off.  Being someone totally different.  Acting generous to them.....but, on the other hand, not exactly.  He doesn't get the part about parenting still.  About having to get the kid home from college.  He doesn't get that it's a lot of work to do what needs to be done.  He swoops in and goes out to eat.  Watches a game.  Plays a game or two.  Watches a movie.  How they are in life, what they need, how they feel, what they think, who they are....no interest.  Just needs them to make him look good by being their amazing selves and also make him feel good by doing stuff with him.  It's really too bad that he missed out.  For real...not sarcastically.  Because they are great people.  Even in their not so great moments.  And they have taught me much.
I think that the drive is clear.  Maybe.  A little afraid to look out my window.
I'm glad he helped my son tow his car.  I told my son that I'm no good at it.  Took him several days to ask his dad to do it.  He tried others first.  
Relationship.  Not winning.  Not bribing.  Not wooing.  Just doing the hard work of building something real.  It IS hard.  Especially with wounded teens.  But...it's also really good.  I am finding it a comfort seeing them be real.  But I often pay the price for their hurt.  And I take their blame.  And I hear their blech.  I am their mom.  Their parent.  It's my job.  It's my privilege.  All so that they can grow up and move on in their lives.  Crazy how something so painful can be so satisfying.
good night.

Somber.

It was a somber moment in my life today when I realized how unattached I really am.  How there's not a person in the world that is close enough to think of me as family.  How I have lots of people in my life...but no real family.  Someone at work asked if I had family to go visit if I did a road trip.  Answer?  Nope.  And nobody else either.  So, there it is.  No family beyond these kids.  How odd.  It made me a bit somber.  And, talking to a friend later, I felt the emotion well up.  But, what do you say?  How does it make it any better to talk about it?  It really doesn't.  So, I just let it go.  Swallowed.  Blinked.  Held back the emotional wave that swelled inside.  Because really, what is the point?  It is a holiday for all.  It will be for the rest of my years.  And as my kids get older, I will undoubtedly spend many alone.  At least I won't be spending them with him.  There is solace in that.
But it reminds me of how somber I felt when my grandparents died.  Because I knew then that I really had no real family left.  I have people that are related to me but who don't know me.  Who don't really think of me at all.  I have nice friends.  I have kids...but they will have their own lives in short order.  And, at best, I'll have to share with in laws and with their dad.
There's a part of me that knows that I do ok in the quiet.  In the restful place.  Able to reflect and write and rest.  That part I won't hate. The part that will be rough is the part where I remember again that feeling of not being valuable to others.  It kind of hurts.  I'm.....expendable?  I can't really think of the word, but I am not necessary to anyone's life.  There's nobody who thinks, "my breath would stop if I lost you in my life."  I have people that are that to me.  People that I know that if they were gone from my life or gone from living that I would absolutely stop breathing in the moment I realized.  Yes, I'd start up again.  But it would be that intense.  It would be a deep grief and pain.  I'm glad that I feel that deeply.  Care that much.  Love with my heart wide open.  Even if they aren't mine to hold onto.
I won't even have anyone to call on Christmas day.  I've already thought it through and realized....nope, not a soul that will be expecting a call.  I hope to talk to my kids, but they will be busy with extended family.  So....I need to brace myself.  I need to allow myself to cry in bits and pieces along the way.  I need to rest and be nice to myself.
I have realized that simply cleaning and putting my house in order may feel too unfair and too painful if it's all I do.  So, I'll figure that part out.  Somehow.  A step at a time.
Tonight, I need to cry.  To weep.  To allow that alone feeling to be ok.
I am alive.  I have breath.  I sing.  I rejoice.  And...I weep.  I mourn.  I lament.  Deeply.  With sorrow.  All in one self.  It's quite a lot to feel.  To experience.  It's rather wearing me out.
And I wish that I could explain it to someone.  Not so they would feel sorry for me.  But so that I could divide the burden.  Allow someone to simply carry the hurt with me.  But, there it is...the whole problem in a nutshell....there isn't that person.  Everyone else I know belongs.  They will have mamas and daddys and grandmas and grandpas and siblings and aunts and uncles calling them and sending them cards or messages.  They can't even fathom in the recesses of their minds how it is to be without that.  No invites.  No cards.  No gifts.  Mercy.  No gifts.  Wow.  That kinda sucks.  Hadn't even thought that I'll have Christmas with no gifts.  I hadn't gotten to that idea until now.  Probably nowhere to go out to eat open either.  Sigh.  No shopping.  There are movies.  Me and the creepers.  hahahahhaa.  Maybe I'll meet someone! snort.
Yes, my heart is somber.  I am facing a huge thing.  I will do it.  I will do it well.
blessings.

ex means......

Taking Heart

I honestly and truly cannot even begin to put words to how hard I think that it may be to say goodbye to my children for Christmas.  And, I keep trying to picture how it will be to get up on Christmas morning.  No matter where I am.  No matter what I am doing.  It will be hard.  But, in years to come, it could be this way.  As my children have their own families.  But, I wasn't quite ready yet.  And though I am trying to prepare my heart and my mind, I have a feeling that it is going to hit like a punch to the tummy....hard, surprisingly painful, shockingly so.
I have searched for places to go.  And I could.  But, if I drive, it is far to go to "my" place....the ocean.  I like road trips.  I like to travel.  But, realistically, I'm not sure how far I would get in a day and if it would be worth the time that I would have to spend there.  I have found a few swinging deals.  I mean, who wouldn't want a beachfront rental for 85 a night?  Or 70?  Or even 100?  But, I also know that I have a lot to do in my home.  Not sure which is more important to me.
I am taking heart that it's never too late for me to decide.  Although, money is an issue.  I don't know how to make that happen.  Gas is expensive.  I want to be wise...as much as I want to RUN!!!
Somehow I think that I'll figure it out.
I have a strange sense of aloneness.  I saw an ad for people alone on Christmas Eve and it struck me...that's me.  And my ex will probably steal my tradition with the kids that came from my grandma.  So...they might have Chinese on the night while I......really, I can't even picture it.  While I scrub the floor?  Or clean the porch?  Or organize the cupboards?  I really don't know.  How will it look for me? Alas, I can't predict.  It is new territory.  But I take heart.  I am full of courage.  I will falter.  I may fall.  But, I will get up.  I will grow through it.  I am taking heart that I don't have to spend the holidays with people who don't like who I am.  That I'm NOT married.  So very thankful.  Yep.  Even if it means being alone on Christmas.
But I'm no fool.  I don't kid myself about how hard it will be.  I think that it's like trying to steel yourself for the jolt that comes at the end of the roller coaster ride.  You can't avoid it. It comes.  It shakes you.  Rattles your brain.  No matter how much you wish you could avoid it.  I wish that I could avoid it, but the moment is rushing toward me.  Quickly.
And all I can do is pray to have the grace to handle it.  To be strong and of good courage.  To look to the fact that it's part of my growing process.
Wherever you are, whatever you are facing....it's possible.  Though it feels like too much.  I have faith.  Because I have lived through so many things that I thought were too much...and it turned out that they weren't more than I could bear.  I'm praying for you.  Thinking of you.
blessings.

How the Church Could Avoid Divorce

It seems that the church has spent years telling everyone to stay married...that divorce is not an option.  It simply isn't working.  There must be a better way.  A better message.  What if the church did something different?  It would be a risk....it would break protocol.  But, what if the church actually said that unless certain things happen, divorce is inevitable?  What if they pointed out the truth of the matter?  What if they looked not only at those with divorce paperwork but those who are divorced within their hearts?  What if?  What if instead of being afraid of what might happen if they gave grace to all to live in complete freedom....what if they actually let go?  Said that staying married doesn't make God love you better?  What if they told couples that there are reasons to divorce?  To separate?  What if?What if they laid out guidelines of what would be required to nurture and grow a marriage.  What if they began teaching children.  And teens.  What dedication truly looks like.  What if the facade was pulled away and people quit pretending and became open about the reality of what was going on in their homes?  I think that there could be healing.  I think that the church would find that their divorce rate might actually go down in comparison to that of the rest of the world.  What if husband's and wives could be held accountable to others of their gender?  What if it wasn't a stigma, a failure of character, a flaw...to have to part?
The reality of life is that divorce IS a possibility.  No matter what you say.  And it doesn't happen just at the court house.  It happens in the day to day life.  It happens when dignity is stripped.  When God given rights are trampled upon.  Desecrated.  It happens when people are hiding and pretending.  Looking like good christian families.  Saying all of the right things.  Doing all of the right activities.  But it's not about that at all.  It is about learning to seek the face of God with another.  And short of that....how is a christian marriage any different than a secular?  God isn't all about performance.  Rules.  Regulations.  He's all about relationship.  About healing relationships.  Relationships that bring life.  With Him.  With others.
The church rarely addresses abuse and what it looks like.  They are afraid of the gray areas.  Afraid that people will take license.  Will get out too easily.  But I think that if people knew that they could get out, they might actually stay in a healthier fashion.  They might be willing to speak.  To talk about it like they would other aspects of their lives.  They might be able to find help and healing before it's too late. Before the relationship dies.
And death of relationships does occur.  I know.  I lived it.  Though I am a committed person.  Though I love God.  Though I am beloved by God.  Though I am loyal.  Though I never imagined my marriage ending in divorce.  Until the end times.  When I couldn't imagine a moment longer.  Not a moment.  When all I knew was that what I lived through had stolen my very being.  My heart.  Nearly my soul.  Nothing I gave was enough.  He wanted to possess....not to love.  He wanted to use, not to relate.  My life looked good to others.  He looks good to others.  But there was not peace and safety.  I longed to be able to speak.  But to whom?
He used the church's policy about divorce to "keep me in line."  To hold me to him.  To make me be "committed".  But...the commitment was meaningless.  It didn't fill because it wasn't real.  It was smoke and mirrors.
Perhaps the answer to being different than the world lies in being more honest.  More truthful.  Perhaps in lies in knowing that we are first and foremost God's.  That He is the object of our affection.  That He longs to deal with each of us in relationship.  That He sees us.  Cries with us.  That His disappointment is not complete because of our marital failure.  Perhaps we need to start thinking and acting differently to people.  Perhaps the church could become that safe place.
Maybe.  Perhaps.
But as of now?  The church is the place that is the hardest to go if you feel as I do.  If you know that you are done.  That your dignity has been stripped.  That your life has been raped of it's purpose.  That your very being has been denied the basic requirements for survival.  And by the time a person gets that far along......there's no turning around and just saying sorry.
But sometimes I wonder how it might have been if there had been men that would have made my ex deal with reality.  But, even now...it's just "pray about it, there could be a miracle."  Where's the idea that how you treat a person and how you fail to treat them matter?  What about the idea that actions without love are a clashing cymbal?
I am so done.  But I want to look forward to what God has.  For how healing could com earlier in the process.  I want to get real.  Maybe even write a book about what abuse looks like.  Feels like.  What it does.  Maybe.
blessings.

The release of laughter

The kids and I laughed really hard yesterday.  Nothing forced.  No trying.  We were just together.  Remembering things.  Watching silly shows. Watching Christmas vacation.  Yes, it's crass...but there are some classic scenes as Griswold tries to provide the perfect Christmas for his whole family.  I loved the movie.  And I'm not into comedies.  I loved hearing my kids laugh uncontrollably...and me getting to join in on that.  I loved that we were in the same room.  I loved that we are learning what it is to be real.  They know that I can be a real mess.  And that though I've apologized, it doesn't fix anything.  It expresses remorse, but it doesn't heal.  They know that.  But the healing comes in the truth.  In the real.  In the being able to laugh together still.  In the forgiveness.  For that I am so thankful.  My life would not be the same without them.  They have molded me.  Challenged and changed me.  I love them with a love that I never even understood before.  A kind of love that holds on so tightly and yet the touch is loose....never letting go, yet releasing.  It's a toughkind of love.  It's beautiful.  And I will always be glad that I got married and had them.  They are the best legacy I can leave this world.
Laughter itself heals.  I need more of it.  About real things.  Sometimes about hard things.  Sometimes I need to be able to laugh about the things going on with the ex.  Let them go.  But laughing about such serious matters offends some.  I don't want to hurt them.  I just want to be able to let some of those feelings out in the form of laughter.  I've cried myself silly.  I'm ready to laugh again.
blessings.