blessed

sat and had dinner with my favorite people in the world.  listened to the kids laugh as they played monopoly. i'm sitting here in a chair eyes nearly dozing.  i am content.  i have need of nothing.  i have food to eat.  a beach to sit on.  i have a home to stay in.  i have people to love and be loved by.
i have learned this lesson thus far in my life....no matter what is going on, i can choose what to see, what to be and to be happy.  i AM happy.  truly.
i made it through to this time in my life.  i'm also proud.  not in an arrogant, selfish way...in a "didn't God do something amazing" way.
here i am.
still.
standing.
living.
breathing.
i have come so far this last year.
and have further to go.
life is a gift.
i want to use it.
so very tired.
been traveling.
so much nice beach time to have.
can't hardly wait.
day by day.
moment by moment.
but for now....i need some rest.  finally rest where i can simply sleep.  good thing.  it has been a long time coming.  i am blessed that it has!!

At the beach.

I  am at the beach.  The calm of the ocean waves.  The beauty of it.  The sun glistening.  The sound. I love it.  Yet, even in the midst of the things that call me most, there can be drama.  I tried hard to find something that I could afford and that met our needs.  I had requirements that I did not budge from.  Room for the boys. Room for grandma.  A view of the ocean...and able to hear it too.  I couldn't afford ocean front.  Not yet.  Maybe someday.  When I get those houses, it is usually too small for having grandma.  I wanted her to have a room of her own.  On the floor with the living areas and a bathroom.  It took me a long time.
But, when we arrived, it was not as I'd hoped.  The boys' room did not have the bunk beds in the picture...instead they had trundles.  Ok.  Except the mattresses weren't in the trundle.  Um.  Ok.  Odd.
But, you know, there are three separate beds and four boys.  The girls have to share a bed.  They have a very snug little room.
This house has four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a generously sized living room and a large kitchen.  It has what we need to be comfortable.  Now, I have to relax and let it be that.  I have to not worry about the fact that everyone is not ecstatic.  I wanted them to be thrilled.  It's my personality.
Right now, I'm having a hard time relaxing until I have things set up for grandma.  It will be soon.  I'm not too worried.  It will happen.
Just need to breathe.  But I feel like having a cry first.  That's ok too.  Crying is an ok thing.  I am how I am. Can't change it.  I like to see people have their needs and dreams fulfilled.
I'm not sure that I have a real place on this trip.  I think that in many ways I was just God's way to provide this opportunity.  That's good with me.  Keep a low profile.  As in now...sitting in a bedroom with a computer enjoying the cool air.  The house has pretty ugly decor.  Yet.....why is it that I always see possibility?  Beauty?  I'm easily pleased.  Being here is such a total God thing.  How do I explain that to anyone in the world?
Legally separated a year ago...as of 15 days ago.  Divorced officially.  And yet...still getting to have vacations.  That's pretty miraculous.  I am in awe.  I feel like God has given me so very much.  Blessed me with the needs and desires of my heart as well as my physical needs.  That brings tears of joy to my eyes.  The fact that He not only feeds my body, but my soul.
I'm at the beach.  I don't know what the time will hold.  But.....I know that if I keep my eyes open I will see His hand.  I will be the recipient of His mercy.  And grace.  I know that if I simply don't buy into fussing about the little things that I will be content.
Just have to breathe.  Let go.
And make myself up a bed...cuz I am a tired puppy.
Blessings from the beach!!!
I'M AT THE BEACH!!!!  wooot woooooot!!!

Playing Favorites

Today I played.  I floated in a river with my favorite people.  I realized at some point how comforting I find it to be with them.  Peace inducing.  Laughter provoking.  It was a great day in rafts going six miles down a river.  We almost didn't do it.  I'm so glad that we did.  Aren't so many things in life like that?  I can stay with the familiar.  I can do what is easy or what I'm used to.  Or, I can risk.  I can do something new and different.  Today was that way.
And frankly, we weren't very good at it.    We struggled.  Spun.  Didn't pay attention.  WE had troubles.  But, we laughed.  We made memories.  For a little over a hundred dollars, nine people paddled and floated their way down a beautiful river.  Laughing and falling and getting terrified.  Together.  It was wonderful.
Now I think...how else can I play along the way with my favorites.
blessings.

I love my dog.

I dropped my dog off this afternoon to be dog sat.  He is such a dear.  I know that they will love him.  But, I swear that I just about lost it when I drove away from their house and he was sitting looking forlornly out of the storm door.  He likes to be with me.  He is mine.  My dog.  Not someone else's.  He listens to me.  He longs to please.  Dogs are cool that way.
Now, I have a LOT to do still.  I am so very ready for vacation!!!  Woot woot!  Here we come.........look out ocean!!!
blessings.

Boundaries

I have the book.  Ha.  And, I am often very good at it.....there is this line, please don't cross it.  But then, there are bullies in the world.  Or people who just take advantage of the fact that I'm willing to give.  Or willing to help.  And if I don't want or am not able to do it in the instance which they are asking, they have this way....you probably have had people do it to you....a way of making me feel as if it's wrong for me to have a boundary.  A place that I reserve for "no".
The thing is that no is not my normal response.  Being free to give, to share, the do for others....that's an awesome trait that I want to cultivate.  But not at the expense of their integrity.  It bothers me when people use the goodness of someone in order to get what they want but don't appreciate.  I don't mean people who don't say thanks.  I mean...people who assume that you will do whatever they want, whenever they want.  I mean people who take and take and take....and never have the inclination to give.  I mean people who have an attitude that they'll talk to you, be with you, give you attention....if they have something to gain or get, but otherwise will pretty much ignore you.  Still, even under those circumstances, I will give to people that I care about.  And I will continue to care.
However.  Yes, but.  There is a time.  A time to say no.  A time to say that something is stressing me.  To let them know that I'm being pushed and that it's hurting me.  To tell them that it's not ok to make me feel small for not meeting their every need or want.  To not want to share or give something that is mine.
In marriage, he would always tell me that everything that was mine was his.  I wasn't allowed boundaries.  I set some.  I did it anyway.  But it created tension.It caused disharmony.  Peace flew.  And I like peace.  So, I gave too many things that hurt me.  I tried to give everything.  I allowed him to break down boundaries that are healthy.  That make me who I am.
I need certain things.  I need time to recoup.  I need quiet.  I need still.  I need to write.  I need to connect.  I need time to speak...I don't find it easy to open up in busyness.  I need away time.  I need time on a beach.  I need a bit of spending money.  Just for fun.  I need to be able to make choices.  I need to laugh.  I need to not worry.  I need to be hopeful.  I need to trust.  I need time to play.  I need time for me.  I need time to explore ideas.  I need to be able to change my mind.
He couldn't except those things.  He pushed those boundaries down.  Told me that they were wrong.  And, honestly, I believed him.  I viewed them as sinful.  As selfish.  I began to see myself as someone who wasn't willing to give everything and therefore that I wasn't living a  holy life.
Pshaw.  Boundaries aren't in me so that others can make me feel guilty.  They are in me so I can be unique.  So that I can fulfill my purpose.  They are a safety net.  They protect my heart.
But, those twenty years did a number on me.  I'm having to relearn the way to say, "that doesn't work for me" or "that is really stressing me out."
I LOVE to give wholeheartedly.  But I'm learning that it's ok to feel uncomfortable with being walked over.
I'm not a rug.
Boundaries.  I got'em.  I'm gonna rock'em.
blessings.

A. Time. For. Everything.

A time to work.
A time to rest.
The rest time has finally come.  And none too soon.  I am at the end of my energy.  It was all I could do to get up and get going this last week.  Really.  Nobody really gets how absolutely and totally exhausted I can get....and still keep going.  Because of the prize that lays before me.  I push forward.  I work.  I keep going.
And now?  Now I don't have to.  Now I can take a break.  Now I get time to rejuvenate.
Well deserved, I believe.  I have given all.  Given my very best.  I have made the lives of others good.  Lifted their spirits.  I had people come to me today and say that I was the very best senior reader that they have ever had.  Wow.  And to think that I almost bailed.  God had a plan.  And He knew that I needed the money to have a vacation.  And He built me up though I was so deeply weary.
There is a time.  For everything.  Everything.  Even things I have yet to imagine.
blessings.

Heart

I have a caring heart.  My love is deep.  I give my whole self.  And tonight, when I was put face to face with another person seeing her ex and interacting and allowing him to meet some of her needs, I realized how truly different I am.  It was a kind of painful realization.
When I love, I really love. Really.  Deeply.  All in.  I gave my ex every ounce of commitment, love, and closeness to my heart that I could.  I held nothing back.  And I was found wanting.  That caused a wound in me that is only just beginning to actually heal.  He tried.  I wish he had never said that.  "I'm trying to love you."  I wish that he had never told me how he didn't find me attractive when he met me.  I wish that he hadn't told me that he lusts after others.  I wish that he had really loved me.  ME.  For me.  Not for who he wanted me to be.  Just for me.  Truly.  Completely.  As I did him.  But he didn't.  Or couldn't.  I don't know, but it just wasn't there.  But having opened my whole heart...my body...my soul...to this other and then having him treat me with such contempt and disrespect hurt.  A lot.  For a very long time.  With no compassion from anyone.  No sympathy.  Just the constant knowing.  Of the constant striving to be enough and to be acceptable.  Always knowing that I wasn't as pretty or smart or....just wasn't.  Not to him.  And now, I just can't open that door.  He can't come in.  He would rip out the stitches and tear off the scab.  He would make himself feel better.  And I would be left with my heart still bleeding.  He doesn't get to do for me and look good.  Not anymore.  He uses that to fake people out.  I can't live like that anymore.  I can't deal with his falseness.  His fake nice.  His getting what he needs.....accolades of others....at my expense.
I am not hard hearted.  Quite the opposite.  So tender hearted that I know that he could destroy me.  Because I loved for real.  And though he turned out to be someone who hurts instead of heals, I don't trust that I wouldn't fall back into "routine".  God has so much more.  I don't intend to go back to the old.  I didn't leave as a trial.  I didn't leave to make a point.  I left because he pushed me so far away, hurt me so deeply and chose to not care....and there came a time when I had to choose whether to live or whether to die never knowing what it would have been like to have lived.  To have risked.  To quit blaming someone else and to make the choice to take responsibility for my own well being.
He crushed me.  He had power over me that I gave him.  He still doesn't get that it's not about forgiveness.  It's about trust.  I do not trust him.  Not at all.  He trained me to admit that he really wasn't trustworthy.  And yet I spent twenty years trying to make him look as if he was.  He wasn't trustworthy with my heart.  With our kids' love.  He wasn't trustworthy with my emotional safety.  He did much more harm in my life than good.
Nope.  I don't want to interact in the way that he meets my needs, does me favors.  I simply will communicate and be kind.  I will choose to do that because it's what's right.  But I will guard my heart.  In a good and holy way.
For me, for who I am, for how I am....it's a must.
I envy those who are different than me.  I long to be like them.  But I'm not.  Gotta let that be ok.
blessings.

Forcing the Issue

Well, God has been speaking to me about getting rid of things.  Cleaning out.  Starting new.  I have the desire, but I have been tired.  However, an outbreak of those pesky bed critters.  Oh my goodness.  How could one seemingly little incident of trying to get my college boy returned home set up in a bed have caused such drama?
He awakened with a bug upon him.  Inspected.  Killed.  Moved to couch.  Bed bug.  Hmmm.  Borrowed bed.  Oops.  Well, we did all of the things in the corner of the room that he shares with his brothers...to get rid of the critters.  Oops.  Should have done the whole room.  It's the only room in our house with carpet.  Well, it seemed like it was working.  We kept looking in all of the little hiding places.  Kept routing them out. Was hopeful.  And then....apparently they migrated.  To the other corner.  My poor other son got up this morning with his arms eaten up.  I felt soooo bad.  So, whole room.  We need crime scene tape practically.  It is an event.  Washer and dryer are going nonstop.  Have to heat them.  Or freeze them.  Kill them.  We are determined.  And all of us itch.  Though the rest of us are fine.  Sympathy itching.  Freaking out itching.  My boys' room was a pit.  Piles of stuff.  But, we emptied some to the the backyard...to be gotten rid of.  Got big trash bags.
And as I was doing it, it was just a lot of work. But then I realized....it's time to get rid of things.  I've known.  Now, I'm being forced to act.  Sometimes God allows discomfort in my life to get me moving.  Pretty effective really. Makes me want to cut down on stuff.  A lot.  On clothes.  On books.  On...everything really.  And start again.  Start fresh.  So, I will.
New times are coming.  And, even from the "bad", good things can come!!!
I am growing!
blessings.

Who I Am

Yes, I am learning to come forward.  To stretch out.  But...sometimes the air seems too chilly.  Or too windy.  Sometimes I begin to push outward and realize that I'm not quite ready to break out of that shell yet. And, there are lots of "shells" that I have broken out of....but some that I am just hunkered cozily inside.
Today, I wrote a note to someone who is probably the person I trust most in the world.  And yet, I wrote what I couldn't bring myself to tell.  It wasn't even a big deal.  It just had to do with my opinion.  My hope.  What I would do if I could choose.  And....I stuck it in my pocket and didn't even give her the note.  It was about an outing.  About how I envision it.  But I just felt silly.  It's not a fancy dream.  Not a big deal.  Just my raw feelings.  Because lately, I have been more tired than words can tell.  My body has hurt.  I need rest.  I need to unwind.  To simply chill.  No big agendas on my mind.  But, I do big agendas for others still.  I will try most anything.  Well, not jumping out of a plane.  That's just not gonna happen.  But adventures call. Just right now the best adventure to me seems to be taking my time. Moving kinda slowly.  Staying put.
But another part of who I am demands that I hear what others desire.  That I also see about meeting those needs.
I am weird.  Different than others.
I have gifts.  But, I can see where knowing me is also kind of a bother.  I wish sometimes that I was one of those people that everyone wanted to know....that is easy to know and people want to be with.  Who aren't so awkward.  But, I'm just not.  I'm me.  With all of the complexities therein.  The good news is that I come wired to love fiercely.  To be loyal.  There are good things.  For those who stay and are patient enough for me to come forward.
Yet, still....I've been hurt so much by my marriage.  It's very difficult for me to say what I want.  Really deep inside.  I'm learning first to at least tell myself!  ;)  There's a start.
Life is good.  I am blessed.
blessings on ya.

Coming Out

It takes each of us our own time.  In our own way.  With our own particular struggles.  It takes us time to uncurl.  Stretch.  Fight to get out.

It takes being ready.  Not looking ready to others.  Not seeming ready.  Nor others telling us we are ready......actually being ready. Being strong enough.  Developed enough.  Strong.  Ready.

, 

 The hope is there.  The faith.  The possibility.  But the waiting has to occur.  It's necessary.  No being can be rushed.  Not safely.  Pushing another can cause pain.  Or deformity.  Or, sometimes even death.  It keeps the chick, the butterfly and the flower from being as they should be.  It denies opportunity.

TIME.

PATIENCE.

WAITING.

HOPING.

BELIEVING.

KNOWING.

SEEING.

BUT NEVER EVER RUSHING.

That's what those who love us do.  

Just as we do it with those flowers, chicks and butterflies. 

We hold our breath.

Marvel.

Gasp.  

Glory.

But we never say, "you aren't doing it soon enough."

There's a time for every thing under heaven.

Every emotion.

Every plan.

Every dream.

And it's ok to still be in the curled up fetal stage.

And.....

it's ok to reach out and push on the walls and see if you can get out yet!

Maybe you are ready.  

Maybe today is the day that you begin pecking your way out of  your shell.

Don't be afraid.

You have time.

You will get stronger as you work at it.

That's why it's a process.

Now, if others would just learn not to interrupt the process.

I think that this is especially true for teens.

And 48 year old women named Grace. :)

blessings.

Being Wanted

You know there are a lot of ways to be wanted. From the time you are born.  I was wanted by my parents.  Though things didn't go well. I wasn't left or adopted out.  I know that at the beginning...in those moments before life went horribly wrong and my mother was killed by a drunk drive...I was wanted.  That is something I know that I carry forward.  Because though life DID go terribly wrong.  Though I spent hard times.  I knew a sense of being wanted.
Then there's the kind from friends.  In college I remember best my few friends.  Only a few.  And yet...our worlds weren't quite right when we didn't touch base, when we didn't reconnect after the day or time away. I was wanted.  I had a place.
Then, there's the kind from a spouse.  And I realized over time that the kind of wanting he had for me was not similar.  My friends.  My parents.  They had wanted me and I them...and we had mutually given each other something.  Affection, joy, kindness..a deep sense of belonging.  Well, ok, my mom, not both of my parents.  But in my marriage, he wanted me to make him feel better.  To meet his needs.  He wanted me to bend and change to be how he thought a person should be.  He didn't want ME.  He wanted someone.  Someone that wasn't me.
Then there's kids.  I want them.  My loverly kids.  There's an ache in my soul regarding those precious, precocious young people. It is an ache because I wanted them before they took their first breaths and now, they are slowly drifting into lives of their own.  They were wanted.  I give them that sense.  A place to be docked.  To take off from.  I love that they are doing so.  And, I grieve.
And now?  I was thinking about this because of the trip I'm going on.  I voted myself most obvious choice to take the floor in the living room.  I realized that my friend will have her mother.  My other friend will have her husband.  The boys will have the boys.  The girls will have the girls.  The teens will have the teens.   And it's not people that don't care about me.  It's just that I don't have a niche.  I am quick on a path to being truly on my own.  I realized it when I saw how all of my friends would still have all of their other family when their kids are gone. I won't. Yep.  Designated most likely one to take the floor in the living room.  I'm smiling as I write.  It's not all dirges and obits.  I am just noting that in this world I don't have that kind of way that I'm "wanted" anymore.  That means that I have an opportunity, I guess.  To live fully.  To make sure that my kids know that dock is around when they sail back in now and then.  To let my friends know that I will be strong and able to make it through...to be there when they come around too.  I have an opportunity to grow.
No interest in going out and making people "want" me.  I'm ok.  I'm just observing the fact that with no parents, no spouse and kids that are getting ready to sail..I'm in a unique place.  Not a soul that is mine that I will think to choose me when there is real family. Their spouses.  Their parents.  Their wee ones.  But I need to strengthen myself.  Because one day, each of them will need me to understand when they face this time.  And I plan on being one hell of an amazing old lady.
 I may not be in a position that I get the master bedroom when people travel....you know how it is....the oldest couple usually gets that...I may get the sun porch or something.  I may not be thought of as first on people's lists.  I may be down there a ways even on some of them.  But I am filled.  I have my Father.  I love when I have those tidbit moments of being "wanted"...of being chosen.  It catches my of guard, takes my breath away...but even when it doesn't happen, I'm not alone.  I may sleep on the porch or in the living room because I don't fit the mold of how family looks.  But I have a family.  Mine is just eclectic.  And rather in and out depending on their circumstances and who else is about.  But I'm just fine.  More than just fine.  I am single.  And that is worth it.  It gives me the opportunity to give graciously.
Wanted.  I may not really be actually.  But I am loved.  Wanted has more of a sense of an obligated love. Though it's often deeper and more committed than any other....its premise is that you are loved because you belong to that group, that family.  I guess my life has changed to the inverse.  I belong because I am loved.  Though I don't really "belong" anywhere.  It's a weird feeling.
I'm going to embrace this life.  I am going to fly. I am going to LIVE. blessings.

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,
You have been there for me every moment of every day for as long as I can possibly remember.  You have encouraged me when I thought that I couldn't survive any more.  You have cuddled me close and have opened your arms and let me fly.  Never unattended. You know me from the inside out.  I am so thankful that even when I disappoint you, you don't leave me.  As a matter of fact, how I perform has nothing to do with how much love you show me.  When I am hurting and lost, you come looking for me.  You give me time to grow.  And when I am so tired that I can barely go on, you carry me.  And when I sleep, you watch over me.  I have been blessed all of my life to have you as the best example ever.  Of love.  Of compassion.  Of kindness.  Of hope.
Thank you.  You are the best Daddy ever.  Thank you, Jesus.
me.

Mourning

Father's Day mourning.  Not a misspelling.  Grief.  That my children have not been cared for and lavished on and nurtured by their dad.  He is not evil.  Well, maybe he is.  Maybe being charming and acting all nice and then letting the ones close to you suffer is one of the worst kinds of evil.  Because it's secret.  Because everyone thinks that it's all good. When it's horrible.
And...I tried to call my biological father today. Had to look up his business and find that phone number since he's unlisted.  I took a breath.  Said a prayer.  I called.  And his live in answered.  I hung up.  Just couldn't do the explanation to her.  She called back and left a message....an irritated message.....thought it was a business call.  So.  I texted.  Happy Father's Day.
How lame. How sad. But that is how it is.
Rough day.  Kids gone.  With someone who doesn't even really get it.  Who uses them to make him feel good and look good.
No car.  At home.  Cleaning my bedroom.  Guess that will be fine.  Got to have a garage sale anyway!  Life will be just fine.  At least I don't have to be with HIM. Yippppppeeeeee!!!!
blessings.

Making It Better

I have been racing in my head trying to make some things better.  Trying to fix.  Trying to fix things so that everyone will have their needs met, feel included and be happy.  I am not succeeding.  So, instead of berating myself, 'm going to let it go.  Things will happen as they do.  I can't make things happen.  I can try hard. I DO try hard.  And right now, I just have to realize that I have not managed to make it so that people will be happy.
I found a house for vacation.  That was really fun to do.  Tricky though because of the fact that we are going to be at the coast on the fourth of July.  Hard to find something within our price range.  Then, I found some, but the bedroom situations might not have made the travelers as comfortable as possible.  So, I kept looking.  I found a house.  With an ocean view.  Across the street from the ocean.  In a little town.  In a beautiful setting.  With a deck to sit upon.  And a living room with a view.  I made a reservation.....exulting that those who need their own rooms will have them and that the boys will actually have beds to sleep upon!  I was so very happy.  I have kept the page from the house's description/pictures open on my desktop for a month.  I was happy how God answered.  How He provided.  Even silly things.  And yet.....somehow, it has all conspired to make me feel badly.  Badly that I did this thing for my kids....my birth kids and the kids I adore...and a friend.  I did it because I love the rest.  And, because a dear lady has been very ill this last year and I had nearly despaired of seeing her again this side of heaven. I did it because it's what I do.  I travel.  I go to the ocean. I recuperate and get filled up by hearing the roar of the ocean, taking walks, laying upon the toasty sand while the cool breeze rushes over. I eat taffy.  And I drink coffee.  I revamp.  I write.  Read.  Meditate.  Laugh with friends and family.  Watch the kids be laid back.  I recover from so much.  But how al of that can turn me into feeling selfish, I'm not really sure.  But it did.
It happened when I contacted another friend and said that we would be out near her and that we should get together.  She was thrilled.  She and her husband are off for the month...awesome.  And we began looking for places for them to stay.  She said they might camp to keep the cost down.  Anyway, flash forward more than a month.  Now, there are no campgrounds or other places available that she wants to stay/or can afford to stay.  And all of my ideas are shot down.  And maybe she just needs to be invited to stay at the house that I am staying.  And her kids.  And her husband.  And that would be fine.  To a degree.  But it puts me back in the position that the kids that were with me in the first place will have to give up beds.  I will have to bunk with the girls.  Probably on the floor.  Because she has to have a bed for her back.  Maybe that's why she doesn't want to camp?  But she said she DID want to camp.  But if she camped, she wouldn't have a bed.  No, I think that it's about being included.  I think that she wants to be welcomed.  Asked. And probably I should.
Leading to the other dilemma.  A kid of my heart..not a birth child...not my child...just one that I have loved forever, who has been on a hitchhiking, weed smoking, homeless living adventure and life journey, facebooked me yesterday that he'll be "kickin it" with us while we are in the state. Well, when I reminded him that weed is illegal in the state we'll be in, he responded that he has loads of it on him and so that won't be a problem...I think that he totally missed my point.  Not to mention that the house I rented doesn't allow smoking....of any kind.  So, he would be illegally smoking on public property and if the police come and find "lots" of weed...more than the miniscule amount that is "overlooked", it could create some drama for the rest of the family as well.  To boot, he has a dog.  My contract says, "no pets".  There's no way he would bring his dog and leave her outside.  She is by him all of the time.  And he went on in the facebook chat to tell me how he has learned how far being polite gets him....and how people give you things when you are polite.  Remember, he is supporting himself by begging.  When he left home, he was going to do tattoos for people to make money.  To me, that seems better.  But either way, it's his choice. But it seems like he's wanting to have his choice and assume that I'll financially cover it if the owner of the home hears about the pet or the smoking.  It will go on my credit card.  And I guess I just need to let that go.   And I love him.  Love his smile.  His hugs.  His sense of adventure.  His searching.  His going out an trying something instead of always wishing.  But, there was this red flag when we talked.  It was about getting what you want by being polite.  I've seen him be charming and nice and promise things in order to get a chance to do something....and then do whatever he wants after he is included.  He takes money.  I don't want the kids to have to hide their money on vacation.  But, I guess I don't have the heart to just say no way.  And that's my fault.  Love's a tough thing.  It hurts.  It sacrifices.  I just keep praying that he decides to travel on before we arrive.  I don't want to hurt him.  Feels like I have to be the bad guy and he knows that.  And THAT feeling...that's what my husband gave me regularly.  In order to get what I needed, I had to be made to feel like that bad guy.  Probably why this is hitting me so hard.  It's opening that wound that was beginning to heal.
I still don't have a clue of what to do.  I can't fix it.  The only thing I know to do is say, "come one, come all".  Because any other way, I have to be the one hurting someone.  I hate hurting people.  Not for such stupid reasons. But I didn't start out to do so.....I was only looking for a place for so many and for a certain amount of days when it would work for the work schedule.  Period.  I wasn't trying to exclude or keep out.  I don't even know how it all snow balled.  All because I said, "I want to see you"?  Sigh.  My simple prayer is that all heart needs will be met.  I can't do it.  I found a house to rent for the others today.  It's actually a house that I nearly rented.  But it's three blocks from the beach.  And eight miles from where we will be.   I just can't do it.  I almost just rented it.  But.....I decided not to.
I am going to have a great time. I know it. So I'll just do so.  And breathe.  Always breathe.
Now, if by some stroke of luck there is no drama, that would be awesome too!
blessings.

Relief

Today is Father's Day  I had a grandfather who represented to me every single thing it means to be a father. And a husband.  He was on my mind a lot this week.  I was thinking about how he would sit and talk at the table with me for hours and the only motion he really made was a way that he clasped his hands and then flicked one thumb over the other.....twiddling his thumbs with no rotation.  Occasionally, I find myself doing the same thing and it makes me smile.  He gave his time and attention.  He let me be myself.  He led me with wisdom.  He prayed for me.  A lot.  He took me on walks.  And on vacations.  And gave me my first car.  Helped me find my first job.  He taught me how to behave in church.  He prayed in restaurants before we ate because I asked him when I was very small.  He didn't fish.  Didn't go to ball games.   He built stuff.  Created parts for things.  He taught me skills.  He let me run a chain saw..after teaching me how and observing that I understood all of the rules.  He let me roam the woods around his home.  Sometimes he roamed with me.  He was ok talking.  Or just being silent.  He taught me to drive a stick shift.  Taught me to change a tire.  Taught me to change my oil.  He gave me tools of his very own when I left for Texas to go to college....so that I'd be able to take care of things.  I remember standing before his massive work bench area and having him so carefully choose each of the things that he thought that I might need.  He helped me pack my car.  He let me go.  And supported me every step of the way.  He didn't chastise me when I didn't call but took the times I was home to reconnect.   To hear about me.  To tell me about him.  His bible study people....he collected strays.  Inventions and plans he had.  He always welcomed me to his professional shop as well.  It was next to his house.  I would spend hours watching his people work.  They would explain to me how amazing machinery worked.  He took me jeeping and camping.  He never told me that I should be more of a girl.  He seemed to love the tomboy in me.  And yet, wept when I gave him a granddaughter...tears of sheer joy.  It may be the only time I saw him cry.  He was about 5'5".  He was a strong, smart, wise, kind man.  He didn't lean on everyone and didn't bully.  You wanted to follow him because he was so very dependable and loving.  You absolutely knew that he had your best interest in mind. He wrote me letters when I was in college.  Not many.  But they were so sweet.  He let me know when I was on the wrong track.  He praised some, but mostly, it was the warmth in his eyes that made you know that he was pleased.  And he liked being pleased in me.  He wasn't always looking for how I was bad.  Or not right.
I think he knew how my marriage was before I did.  Looking back.....I think he knew.  But he always treated my husband with respect.  With kindness.  With open arms.  He welcomed him into our family.  My grandfather let me learn things at my own rate.
Today, I miss my grandfather.  And today, I am relieved not to have to participate in a charade of how great my ex is as a father.  My kids finally figured out that they had to get him away from home or he wouldn't have time for them.  It always felt unnatural and stressful.  I'm relieved to let go of that.  I think I'll just hold on to those grandpa memories....and how his character led me to God.  And I'll pray for my kids to have those men in their lives too.  God meets them with exactly what they need.
I trust Him.
blessings.

A Steel Magnolia

Well, I was given a strange compliment yesterday....."you're just quite a steel magnolia, aren't you?"  I said thank you. She meant it well based on context, but I was a bit baffled.  I had seen the movie...but...me??  What would that mean?  I asked a friend and she said either strong or a stone cold bitch....hmmm.  So, I looked it up.  Strangely, this person knows that I went to Baylor..in the South.  She knows that I get things done from work.  But, I have never had anyone know me for such a short amount of time and know things about me.  She is.....perceptive.

Well, this steel magnolia is finding some things in life to be difficult to wrap her mind around.  How do I be the kind and giving person that I want to be and still find room for me? It's not easy.  It feeds my soul to see people connect, to meet their needs, to see them content. And yet, sometimes, what others need or want flies straight in the face of what I want or need or desire or hope for.  There's a time for giving.  For putting self aside.  And a time to feed the self so that I'll be prepared to give some more. Balance.  Fearlessness.  Finding what works and going for it. I am brave. Jesus makes me brave. So, even now in this seemingly difficult conundrum, I am choosing to have faith that He has it worked out.  That He is leading me.  Teaching me to do what I need to do.....in order to fulfill His plan and His renown.  Even in seemingly silly things.

A steel magnolia.  I think I like it. 

A southern woman who is strong and independant yet very feminine.

She's overcome so much with her since her husbands death. She's truely a steel magnolia kinda girl.

blessings.

Been Busy

I have been busy.  Lots of thinking.  Lots of working.  Lots of praying.  Busy with learning how to live.  Learning how to like what I like and do something with it.  For me.  Because I like it.  What do I like?
That question has baffled me this last year.
I know what I like.  But I stuff it down.  I make it not important.  I got so used to just making do.
I even found a hairstylist that I loved...and found out today that she is gone from my salon.  Sigh.
But the idea of learning what I like.  And how I picture things.  And how it's not wrong to want things that make me happy.  Or seem pretty to me.
I like old stuff with a somewhat urban flair.  A mixture of old and new.  I like metal.  A lot.  And flowers.  Together.  I like lace.  Though I have little.  I like billowing curtain.  Open windows.  I like fresh air.  I like bright sunny rooms.  I like this really specific pallet of colors, but have not yet achieved it.
I like eating outside in the coolness.  But not if it's sweltering.  I like music some of the time, but I also need quiet to reboot.
I like growing things.  Winding paths.  Of all different materials.  Hidden spots.
I like gazebo areas.  Covered porches.  Hammocks.  Down pillows.  Soft blankies.
I like big ol trees.
I like breakfast late with runny eggs and fried taters.  Coffee.  Juice.
I like fresh raspberries.  Fresh whipped cream.  I like my best friend's frosting.  By the spoonful.  I like my juice smoothies.  And Noosa yogurt.
I like electronics.  Connecting and yet not being confined to small talk.  Helps me.
I like to work.  But not living to work....working to live.  And enjoying the time when I carve out free time.
I like to travel.  And dream about traveling.  I want to do more.  Girl's trips.  Me trips.  Kid trips.  It's important to me.  Makes me smile.
I like smiling.  Letting go of worry.
I like having a good attitude.
I like rusty old things mixed in with new, modern things.  White cupboards.  I like using things for unusual purposes.
i like arbors.
inlets.
coves.
little places.
Yes, I am learning to give voice....even if just to myself...to things that I've liked for a long time.  Learning to say yes to it.  To work towards making and doing some of the things for me....very unusual.  My ex didn't accommodate the things that were important to me.  They were generally considered frivolous.  My life was made to feel trivial.
Trivialized.  That is how I felt and how I lived for over two decades.
Yet, I tried so hard to make a good marriage.  To improve it.  To make good choices.  To let go of everything that got in the way.  Turned out that who I was was in the way.  Sad.
Takes a long time to let those likes out to play.  But I'm trying.  I'm in the picturing it stage.  I'll get there.
I have a feeling it is going to be quite an amazing ride when I finally take off!!
blessings.

True dat.  It has been a great day.  I was unsupervised with paint.  Oh me oh my.  Wish I had photos to show you...maybe tomorrow.
blessings.

creator

i am a creator.  not THE Creator.  a creator.  through years.  and time.  moments.  days.  yet, i have often denied this creative bent.  i have hunkered down and done a job.  or i have simply thought that my creative aspirations are for "someday".  yet, when i take the time to embrace my need to create, i can suddenly breathe.  it is as if it is a vital organ.  like a heart.  yes, it can be put on bypass while repairs are made.  but it can't be done forever.  waiting can't be forever.
i am having to overcome a sense of dread when creating around my home.  i have ideas.  i see things that would "work".  yet, it was such a battle when i was married.  it was never "right".  he didn't see my need.  didn't value my ability.  and i do have it.  the proof is in my patio.  i formed it from the dirt up...with a friend there to get me through the absolute trauma of knowing that my then husband would criticize it.  would be irritated with my use of the resources.  but, we made a roundish patio and i made a path leaving to wander to the back of the house...that's still in progress as i gave up when he dug up under it and unset the bricks i had made even.....but the patio remains.  and the dreamed for plants surround it.  and the arbor that my friend bought because she saw what i could see.  and the little fence to go in the front.  it's a good place.  yet, for me, there is still that residual weight of being chastised.  of being told how it was wrong.  then, last night, when the ex returned with my son, he was outside going to stand my arbor that had fallen over back up....but he didn't know the reason it fell down.  i did.  it's my house for pete's sake.  i said to leave it.  he told mehow i was going to break the lights that are attached to it.  the lights are what pulled it down.......just like a pully.  i had attached them to it very well.  however, the WIND did a number on it.  i left it purposefully leaning and waited for my son to come home and take down the lights for me.  i will have to attach them elsewhere, sadly.  i wasn't tall enough to reach up and detach them all. he did it in quick fashion for me.  my ex was in a huff when i told him.  and in that moment i remembered the arguing, the fighting, the having to push for anything that i wanted.  even when it was mine to decide.  like now.  with MY home.  i didn't engage in the battle.  i saw him bristle.  heard his quick argument.  acknowledged it....said no.  didn't fight.  i don't have to.
BUT.  that very event reminded me of how easily creativity can be pushed aside for an illusion of peace.  i have done that for years.  and now?  now i have to overcome all of that emotional stuff that built up.  the put downs.  the disappointment in who i wasn't and the total lack of support for who i was.  it's like a seed in me that grows up quickly when i go to create.  to change something.  and i have to trim it back.  what i want to do is get rid o the seed.  to live new.  to live free.
you see, i have this vision for around my home.  the outside, i mean.  but it's risky.  it involves change.  and the what ifs that he planted so very well paralyze me.  the idea that i can't spend money to create beauty.  the deep knowing that every time he sees what i have done, he finds the negative.  even now.
in this moment of even delving into it, i feel my breathing change.  the weight on my chest grows.  my breath becomes shallow.  i tense up.  that's no good.  i was created to create.  not a great artist.  but with creative expression all of my own built in.  it HAS to come out.  it has to spring forth and be done not in order to impress anyone but because it is there.  a flower grows from the seed that is there whether there's anyone around to be impressed or not.  it just does it's job.  and some of them become the flower given on an anniversary.  or at a funeral.  or at an opening night.  others bloom just as beautifully and with full finery and wither and die upon the stem, in the ground....never admired....never chosen for greatness.  yet, they are a part of a whole.  a strand of beauty in the masterpiece of this earth that declares the majesty and greatness of God. though individually one flower may seem insignificant, the billions that sprinkle the earth create an ever changing pattern of beauty and point to God Himself.  Each of our artistic abilities are like that.  we get so wrapped up in a career.  in teaching kids to choose what to be.  we forget to tell them.  indeed, we have forgotten ourselves to be who we were uniquely created to be.  to sing the melody that is ours alone.  to bloom in the beauty that only we have.  to be our own little part.  not like all of the others.  but a part in a whole, ever changing and wild beautiful declaration of the immensity and creativity and power of god.
i want to take my place in that.  in the little things He puts in me.
but i have to allow my Creator to overcome the things that have thwarted my being a creator.  not just a worker.  no.  not a laborer.  a creator of things and thoughts beautiful.  to be a part.  even if just for a moment....of something great and bigger than me.
off i go to my worker job.  yet, with a renewed attitude.  because another thing i can plant is joy.  i can change lives.  i can share light.  and though my light is small, when it lights another and another and another.....though my light is still small.....it makes a difference.
blessings dear ones.

a glass of wine

here i am.  still awake.  having a glass of wine.  had laughter with my kids.  good times. really good.  and can it be?  looking forward to what tomorrow brings.  Tomorrow is half way through the week.  I have worked to create stuff for this show.  I'm proud of some of it...some still needs some work.
i'm so happy single.  feel like i am finally not simply in survival mode in life. i feel..brave. fearless. for real.  though i panicked about work.  there was such a heaviness.  lots of things weighing. but they pass.  i don't dwell there.  and i can't say that it's my favorite job.  i am adequate.  it's a paycheck. and the time will pass. i will do my best.  i will seek to make life happier for those who cross my path.
ah.  a glass of wine.  some time to relax. but not much.  about time for me to sleep.  gotta get up soon....dogs, watering, work, work some more, kids....do it again.  until the weekend.  then, do the show.  THEN, the summer will get a little bit more relaxed.  laid back.
here's to summer.

Living

I have been going full out.  And today it occurred to me how awesome that is.  Not just being busy, but being passionate.  Doing something well.  Trying hard.  Making good things happen.  It's quite a rush.  In the midst of the absolute exhaustion.  But it feels good to be here on my bed worn out and tired from real work. From a paycheck job and from an "I get to make things cute" job.  My body HURTS.  I am soooo tired.  But I feel good.  Why get to the end of my life having saved my energy?  Might as well use it up each day as it is given.  Might as well take the risk.
I met a woman today that has always wanted to live at the beach.  She is moving to a place she heard about in Florida that has affordable cost of living.  She'll be right on the water.  She moves at the end of the year. Wow.  Brave.
Why do I always wait?  Hesitate?  Not that I'd move right now...have to consider my kids.  But on so many things, I hang back.  I want to live.  To try.  To move on and forward.
Yes, I am so very tired.  But I am also happy.
blessings.

Rising.

Rising.   Getting up.  Changing position.  Changing stature.  They take work.  Whether it's doing it emotionally, socially or physically.  But spiritually is perhaps the easiest.  You see, all I have to do is elevate my eyes and He does the rest.   He lifts me up.  He helps me stand.  Not only stand, but take off and fly.  Soar.  Like the mighty eagle.  He is the lifter of my head.  He is the strength in my feeble arms.  He is mighty and without flaw.  He never sleeps nor slumbers and watches over His beloved CONSTANTLY.
There is so much going on in life.  A boy that I'm not sure where he is.  But God knows.  And He watches.  And He is mighty.  And He saves.  And protects.  My worry does absolutely zilch.  But God does immeasurable good.  Just for the asking.  He strengthens and gives hope.
I claim these attributes of God this morning.  For me.  For the many others that I know that are struggling.  With depression.  Bad relationships.  Being at loose ends and not sure what to do.  With laziness.  With complacency.  With hopelessness.  With dryness of soul.  I claim Jesus.  The lifter of our heads.  The mighty warrior.  The gentle lamb.  All of Him.  Not only parts.
He has always been the reason I can be.
I rise this morning.  Literally.  To face another day of work.  And more work.  And yet....today I remember to do it for His glory.  His renown.  Whatever I do whether in word or in deed...to do all for the glory of God.  Yep.  I know who I am.  I know whose I am.  I'm fine.
blessings.

a cheerful heart

a cheerful heart is good medicine.  so true.  i normally am cheerful.  normally make the best out of whatever i need to be doing.  if i can't, then i figure that i should be doing something else.
this going to work when i just got out of school has been hard.  HARD.
part of it has nothing to do with work.  it has to do with overcoming emotions from marriage.  the arguing over what to do with the money that i earned from this exact job.  the hard part of feeling competent.  how sad to have lived with someone who left me frail.  i have overcome so much in the last year.  i force myself to do so much.  i choose to behave in a fearless manner.  and so onlookers don't see how worn out i am.  how much courage it takes to keep going.  to find the joy.  to dig for it.  to choose it.  to find good.  to see the things worthy of praise.
nobody knows how tired i am.  not just physically, but emotionally.
i was married for a very long time to someone who really messed with my sense of self worth.  and in this time of tiredness, it is fragile.  deeply so.
i am fighting back.  choosing to do things cheerfully at work.  making people smile.  choosing joy.  but it is a CHOICE.  it is a standing firm in what i believe.  it is not because i am giddy to get up early and keep on working for another month.  it's because i committed to it.  it's because it will give me some cash to get to do some special stuff on vacation.  it will be awesome to get paid.  yes, it will.
but i am truly amazed at how worthless i can still feel when i enter a new situation  as hard as my life was as a child, i faced things so much more easily.  still in my introverted way, but without the panic that i have now.  that panic of failing.  of not being enough.  of simply not excelling.  of disappointing.  of being stupid.  not as smart.
at work today, i literally thought at one point that i was going to have a full blown anxiety attack.  i prayed.  stopped for a moment.  talked differently to myself.  i told myself that it's ok to be unsure.  everyone is sometimes.  that it's ok to be nervous.  i told myself that it's even ok to be me....my introverted self that struggles to go and be with dozens of new people and be in charge and in view and at the forefront.  ok to be me.  what a sad thing to have to remind myself.
but my ex tore down that sense of worth.  he builds himself by diminishing others.  i was the prime target when we were married.  and it happened so slowly.  so relentlessly.  so continuously.  yet, it wasn't until he was gone that i experienced the full weight of what had been stolen from me.
i may be the only person in the world that thinks of him as a jackass.  but that's ok.  i know what i lived through.  i remember when i went to the women's shelter and they told me to remember what was true.  not someone else's perception...but true.  i still have to remind myself of that.  what is true.  the truth is that he did harm by seeing only himself.  he still does.  he helps others when it suits him.
a cheerful heart.  good medicine.  healing to the bones.  and soul.  i will continue to relentlessly pursue and doggedly expect to have a cheerful heart.  it's who i want to be.
today kicked my butt.  i had a meltdown.  i sat and painted and bawled my eyes out.  some days i just feel invisible still.  but i have people who love me.  who see me.  and life is full of beauty.  seeing it can be easier when i've gotten rid of the built up tears.  so, a good cry isn't a bad thing.
but i demand cheerfulenss.  somehow. some way.  and peace.  and kindness.  i demand to be full of the fruity spiritual traits.  i choose.  hope you do too.
blessings.

two way street

i am learning a lot of things about me.  today i realized that i have this quirky thing.  i am really giving.  i will give stuff or money away.  it's not a big deal.  stuff is stuff.  and yet.  i have struggled with some people who always want stuff from me.  borrow.  take.  want me to do.  want me to provide.  not because i mind doing it.  and for some people, it's a done deal.  but in some instances, it feels like people use.  i'm not even opposed to being used sometimes.  it's a part of life.  even a part of relationships.  even good relationships.  but when it's chronic.  when it keeps the other person from growing up.  when it is always a one way street.  when i can't rely on that person too.  at that moment, it feels wrong.  and i think that it is wrong.
relationships are two way.  not always equal.  rarely equal.  not tit for tat.  but a knowing.  a sense.  an assurance.  that you can rely on the other as they can rely on you.  hearing from people only when they want something is simply rude.  and while i realize that it happens, i am also realizing that i don't have to promote it.  i don't have to be hunky dory about it.
giving is awesome.  when it's giving.  but when it becomes an extraction.  or manipulation.  then it needs to be nipped.  quickly.  like ripping off a band aid.
blessings.

Today

Today I woke up and nearly decided to quit my temp job.  It would be a big deal if I did because it wouldn't be a fall back anymore.  I would be stuck without the extra work.  And yet, I don't really want to do it.  I want to make my garden.  Make arbors.  Make cute things.  I want to enjoy doing things without being driven.  I woke up and really thought that I would just bail.  And I'm not a big bailer.  I just......really want to make my house my home.  Have a garage sale.  Clean out my barn.  Get rid of the extra cars.  I want to rest.  Without the idea that I have to keep getting up every day.
But the job is a gift as well.  So, for now, until God lets me know more, I will go.  I will have a good attitude.  I will be kind to others.  It will be fine.  I'm just ready to not work for awhile.
At least not on their schedule. :)
Ok, I said it...now, getting on with my Sunday.
blessings.