a cheerful heart is good medicine. so true. i normally am cheerful. normally make the best out of whatever i need to be doing. if i can't, then i figure that i should be doing something else.
this going to work when i just got out of school has been hard. HARD.
part of it has nothing to do with work. it has to do with overcoming emotions from marriage. the arguing over what to do with the money that i earned from this exact job. the hard part of feeling competent. how sad to have lived with someone who left me frail. i have overcome so much in the last year. i force myself to do so much. i choose to behave in a fearless manner. and so onlookers don't see how worn out i am. how much courage it takes to keep going. to find the joy. to dig for it. to choose it. to find good. to see the things worthy of praise.
nobody knows how tired i am. not just physically, but emotionally.
i was married for a very long time to someone who really messed with my sense of self worth. and in this time of tiredness, it is fragile. deeply so.
i am fighting back. choosing to do things cheerfully at work. making people smile. choosing joy. but it is a CHOICE. it is a standing firm in what i believe. it is not because i am giddy to get up early and keep on working for another month. it's because i committed to it. it's because it will give me some cash to get to do some special stuff on vacation. it will be awesome to get paid. yes, it will.
but i am truly amazed at how worthless i can still feel when i enter a new situation as hard as my life was as a child, i faced things so much more easily. still in my introverted way, but without the panic that i have now. that panic of failing. of not being enough. of simply not excelling. of disappointing. of being stupid. not as smart.
at work today, i literally thought at one point that i was going to have a full blown anxiety attack. i prayed. stopped for a moment. talked differently to myself. i told myself that it's ok to be unsure. everyone is sometimes. that it's ok to be nervous. i told myself that it's even ok to be me....my introverted self that struggles to go and be with dozens of new people and be in charge and in view and at the forefront. ok to be me. what a sad thing to have to remind myself.
but my ex tore down that sense of worth. he builds himself by diminishing others. i was the prime target when we were married. and it happened so slowly. so relentlessly. so continuously. yet, it wasn't until he was gone that i experienced the full weight of what had been stolen from me.
i may be the only person in the world that thinks of him as a jackass. but that's ok. i know what i lived through. i remember when i went to the women's shelter and they told me to remember what was true. not someone else's perception...but true. i still have to remind myself of that. what is true. the truth is that he did harm by seeing only himself. he still does. he helps others when it suits him.
a cheerful heart. good medicine. healing to the bones. and soul. i will continue to relentlessly pursue and doggedly expect to have a cheerful heart. it's who i want to be.
today kicked my butt. i had a meltdown. i sat and painted and bawled my eyes out. some days i just feel invisible still. but i have people who love me. who see me. and life is full of beauty. seeing it can be easier when i've gotten rid of the built up tears. so, a good cry isn't a bad thing.
but i demand cheerfulenss. somehow. some way. and peace. and kindness. i demand to be full of the fruity spiritual traits. i choose. hope you do too.
blessings.
this going to work when i just got out of school has been hard. HARD.
part of it has nothing to do with work. it has to do with overcoming emotions from marriage. the arguing over what to do with the money that i earned from this exact job. the hard part of feeling competent. how sad to have lived with someone who left me frail. i have overcome so much in the last year. i force myself to do so much. i choose to behave in a fearless manner. and so onlookers don't see how worn out i am. how much courage it takes to keep going. to find the joy. to dig for it. to choose it. to find good. to see the things worthy of praise.
nobody knows how tired i am. not just physically, but emotionally.
i was married for a very long time to someone who really messed with my sense of self worth. and in this time of tiredness, it is fragile. deeply so.
i am fighting back. choosing to do things cheerfully at work. making people smile. choosing joy. but it is a CHOICE. it is a standing firm in what i believe. it is not because i am giddy to get up early and keep on working for another month. it's because i committed to it. it's because it will give me some cash to get to do some special stuff on vacation. it will be awesome to get paid. yes, it will.
but i am truly amazed at how worthless i can still feel when i enter a new situation as hard as my life was as a child, i faced things so much more easily. still in my introverted way, but without the panic that i have now. that panic of failing. of not being enough. of simply not excelling. of disappointing. of being stupid. not as smart.
at work today, i literally thought at one point that i was going to have a full blown anxiety attack. i prayed. stopped for a moment. talked differently to myself. i told myself that it's ok to be unsure. everyone is sometimes. that it's ok to be nervous. i told myself that it's even ok to be me....my introverted self that struggles to go and be with dozens of new people and be in charge and in view and at the forefront. ok to be me. what a sad thing to have to remind myself.
but my ex tore down that sense of worth. he builds himself by diminishing others. i was the prime target when we were married. and it happened so slowly. so relentlessly. so continuously. yet, it wasn't until he was gone that i experienced the full weight of what had been stolen from me.
i may be the only person in the world that thinks of him as a jackass. but that's ok. i know what i lived through. i remember when i went to the women's shelter and they told me to remember what was true. not someone else's perception...but true. i still have to remind myself of that. what is true. the truth is that he did harm by seeing only himself. he still does. he helps others when it suits him.
a cheerful heart. good medicine. healing to the bones. and soul. i will continue to relentlessly pursue and doggedly expect to have a cheerful heart. it's who i want to be.
today kicked my butt. i had a meltdown. i sat and painted and bawled my eyes out. some days i just feel invisible still. but i have people who love me. who see me. and life is full of beauty. seeing it can be easier when i've gotten rid of the built up tears. so, a good cry isn't a bad thing.
but i demand cheerfulenss. somehow. some way. and peace. and kindness. i demand to be full of the fruity spiritual traits. i choose. hope you do too.
blessings.
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