Relief

Today is Father's Day  I had a grandfather who represented to me every single thing it means to be a father. And a husband.  He was on my mind a lot this week.  I was thinking about how he would sit and talk at the table with me for hours and the only motion he really made was a way that he clasped his hands and then flicked one thumb over the other.....twiddling his thumbs with no rotation.  Occasionally, I find myself doing the same thing and it makes me smile.  He gave his time and attention.  He let me be myself.  He led me with wisdom.  He prayed for me.  A lot.  He took me on walks.  And on vacations.  And gave me my first car.  Helped me find my first job.  He taught me how to behave in church.  He prayed in restaurants before we ate because I asked him when I was very small.  He didn't fish.  Didn't go to ball games.   He built stuff.  Created parts for things.  He taught me skills.  He let me run a chain saw..after teaching me how and observing that I understood all of the rules.  He let me roam the woods around his home.  Sometimes he roamed with me.  He was ok talking.  Or just being silent.  He taught me to drive a stick shift.  Taught me to change a tire.  Taught me to change my oil.  He gave me tools of his very own when I left for Texas to go to college....so that I'd be able to take care of things.  I remember standing before his massive work bench area and having him so carefully choose each of the things that he thought that I might need.  He helped me pack my car.  He let me go.  And supported me every step of the way.  He didn't chastise me when I didn't call but took the times I was home to reconnect.   To hear about me.  To tell me about him.  His bible study people....he collected strays.  Inventions and plans he had.  He always welcomed me to his professional shop as well.  It was next to his house.  I would spend hours watching his people work.  They would explain to me how amazing machinery worked.  He took me jeeping and camping.  He never told me that I should be more of a girl.  He seemed to love the tomboy in me.  And yet, wept when I gave him a granddaughter...tears of sheer joy.  It may be the only time I saw him cry.  He was about 5'5".  He was a strong, smart, wise, kind man.  He didn't lean on everyone and didn't bully.  You wanted to follow him because he was so very dependable and loving.  You absolutely knew that he had your best interest in mind. He wrote me letters when I was in college.  Not many.  But they were so sweet.  He let me know when I was on the wrong track.  He praised some, but mostly, it was the warmth in his eyes that made you know that he was pleased.  And he liked being pleased in me.  He wasn't always looking for how I was bad.  Or not right.
I think he knew how my marriage was before I did.  Looking back.....I think he knew.  But he always treated my husband with respect.  With kindness.  With open arms.  He welcomed him into our family.  My grandfather let me learn things at my own rate.
Today, I miss my grandfather.  And today, I am relieved not to have to participate in a charade of how great my ex is as a father.  My kids finally figured out that they had to get him away from home or he wouldn't have time for them.  It always felt unnatural and stressful.  I'm relieved to let go of that.  I think I'll just hold on to those grandpa memories....and how his character led me to God.  And I'll pray for my kids to have those men in their lives too.  God meets them with exactly what they need.
I trust Him.
blessings.