You know there are a lot of ways to be wanted. From the time you are born. I was wanted by my parents. Though things didn't go well. I wasn't left or adopted out. I know that at the beginning...in those moments before life went horribly wrong and my mother was killed by a drunk drive...I was wanted. That is something I know that I carry forward. Because though life DID go terribly wrong. Though I spent hard times. I knew a sense of being wanted.
Then there's the kind from friends. In college I remember best my few friends. Only a few. And yet...our worlds weren't quite right when we didn't touch base, when we didn't reconnect after the day or time away. I was wanted. I had a place.
Then, there's the kind from a spouse. And I realized over time that the kind of wanting he had for me was not similar. My friends. My parents. They had wanted me and I them...and we had mutually given each other something. Affection, joy, kindness..a deep sense of belonging. Well, ok, my mom, not both of my parents. But in my marriage, he wanted me to make him feel better. To meet his needs. He wanted me to bend and change to be how he thought a person should be. He didn't want ME. He wanted someone. Someone that wasn't me.
Then there's kids. I want them. My loverly kids. There's an ache in my soul regarding those precious, precocious young people. It is an ache because I wanted them before they took their first breaths and now, they are slowly drifting into lives of their own. They were wanted. I give them that sense. A place to be docked. To take off from. I love that they are doing so. And, I grieve.
And now? I was thinking about this because of the trip I'm going on. I voted myself most obvious choice to take the floor in the living room. I realized that my friend will have her mother. My other friend will have her husband. The boys will have the boys. The girls will have the girls. The teens will have the teens. And it's not people that don't care about me. It's just that I don't have a niche. I am quick on a path to being truly on my own. I realized it when I saw how all of my friends would still have all of their other family when their kids are gone. I won't. Yep. Designated most likely one to take the floor in the living room. I'm smiling as I write. It's not all dirges and obits. I am just noting that in this world I don't have that kind of way that I'm "wanted" anymore. That means that I have an opportunity, I guess. To live fully. To make sure that my kids know that dock is around when they sail back in now and then. To let my friends know that I will be strong and able to make it through...to be there when they come around too. I have an opportunity to grow.
No interest in going out and making people "want" me. I'm ok. I'm just observing the fact that with no parents, no spouse and kids that are getting ready to sail..I'm in a unique place. Not a soul that is mine that I will think to choose me when there is real family. Their spouses. Their parents. Their wee ones. But I need to strengthen myself. Because one day, each of them will need me to understand when they face this time. And I plan on being one hell of an amazing old lady.
I may not be in a position that I get the master bedroom when people travel....you know how it is....the oldest couple usually gets that...I may get the sun porch or something. I may not be thought of as first on people's lists. I may be down there a ways even on some of them. But I am filled. I have my Father. I love when I have those tidbit moments of being "wanted"...of being chosen. It catches my of guard, takes my breath away...but even when it doesn't happen, I'm not alone. I may sleep on the porch or in the living room because I don't fit the mold of how family looks. But I have a family. Mine is just eclectic. And rather in and out depending on their circumstances and who else is about. But I'm just fine. More than just fine. I am single. And that is worth it. It gives me the opportunity to give graciously.
Wanted. I may not really be actually. But I am loved. Wanted has more of a sense of an obligated love. Though it's often deeper and more committed than any other....its premise is that you are loved because you belong to that group, that family. I guess my life has changed to the inverse. I belong because I am loved. Though I don't really "belong" anywhere. It's a weird feeling.
I'm going to embrace this life. I am going to fly. I am going to LIVE. blessings.
Then there's the kind from friends. In college I remember best my few friends. Only a few. And yet...our worlds weren't quite right when we didn't touch base, when we didn't reconnect after the day or time away. I was wanted. I had a place.
Then, there's the kind from a spouse. And I realized over time that the kind of wanting he had for me was not similar. My friends. My parents. They had wanted me and I them...and we had mutually given each other something. Affection, joy, kindness..a deep sense of belonging. Well, ok, my mom, not both of my parents. But in my marriage, he wanted me to make him feel better. To meet his needs. He wanted me to bend and change to be how he thought a person should be. He didn't want ME. He wanted someone. Someone that wasn't me.
Then there's kids. I want them. My loverly kids. There's an ache in my soul regarding those precious, precocious young people. It is an ache because I wanted them before they took their first breaths and now, they are slowly drifting into lives of their own. They were wanted. I give them that sense. A place to be docked. To take off from. I love that they are doing so. And, I grieve.
And now? I was thinking about this because of the trip I'm going on. I voted myself most obvious choice to take the floor in the living room. I realized that my friend will have her mother. My other friend will have her husband. The boys will have the boys. The girls will have the girls. The teens will have the teens. And it's not people that don't care about me. It's just that I don't have a niche. I am quick on a path to being truly on my own. I realized it when I saw how all of my friends would still have all of their other family when their kids are gone. I won't. Yep. Designated most likely one to take the floor in the living room. I'm smiling as I write. It's not all dirges and obits. I am just noting that in this world I don't have that kind of way that I'm "wanted" anymore. That means that I have an opportunity, I guess. To live fully. To make sure that my kids know that dock is around when they sail back in now and then. To let my friends know that I will be strong and able to make it through...to be there when they come around too. I have an opportunity to grow.
No interest in going out and making people "want" me. I'm ok. I'm just observing the fact that with no parents, no spouse and kids that are getting ready to sail..I'm in a unique place. Not a soul that is mine that I will think to choose me when there is real family. Their spouses. Their parents. Their wee ones. But I need to strengthen myself. Because one day, each of them will need me to understand when they face this time. And I plan on being one hell of an amazing old lady.
I may not be in a position that I get the master bedroom when people travel....you know how it is....the oldest couple usually gets that...I may get the sun porch or something. I may not be thought of as first on people's lists. I may be down there a ways even on some of them. But I am filled. I have my Father. I love when I have those tidbit moments of being "wanted"...of being chosen. It catches my of guard, takes my breath away...but even when it doesn't happen, I'm not alone. I may sleep on the porch or in the living room because I don't fit the mold of how family looks. But I have a family. Mine is just eclectic. And rather in and out depending on their circumstances and who else is about. But I'm just fine. More than just fine. I am single. And that is worth it. It gives me the opportunity to give graciously.
Wanted. I may not really be actually. But I am loved. Wanted has more of a sense of an obligated love. Though it's often deeper and more committed than any other....its premise is that you are loved because you belong to that group, that family. I guess my life has changed to the inverse. I belong because I am loved. Though I don't really "belong" anywhere. It's a weird feeling.
I'm going to embrace this life. I am going to fly. I am going to LIVE. blessings.
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