i am a creator. not THE Creator. a creator. through years. and time. moments. days. yet, i have often denied this creative bent. i have hunkered down and done a job. or i have simply thought that my creative aspirations are for "someday". yet, when i take the time to embrace my need to create, i can suddenly breathe. it is as if it is a vital organ. like a heart. yes, it can be put on bypass while repairs are made. but it can't be done forever. waiting can't be forever.
i am having to overcome a sense of dread when creating around my home. i have ideas. i see things that would "work". yet, it was such a battle when i was married. it was never "right". he didn't see my need. didn't value my ability. and i do have it. the proof is in my patio. i formed it from the dirt up...with a friend there to get me through the absolute trauma of knowing that my then husband would criticize it. would be irritated with my use of the resources. but, we made a roundish patio and i made a path leaving to wander to the back of the house...that's still in progress as i gave up when he dug up under it and unset the bricks i had made even.....but the patio remains. and the dreamed for plants surround it. and the arbor that my friend bought because she saw what i could see. and the little fence to go in the front. it's a good place. yet, for me, there is still that residual weight of being chastised. of being told how it was wrong. then, last night, when the ex returned with my son, he was outside going to stand my arbor that had fallen over back up....but he didn't know the reason it fell down. i did. it's my house for pete's sake. i said to leave it. he told mehow i was going to break the lights that are attached to it. the lights are what pulled it down.......just like a pully. i had attached them to it very well. however, the WIND did a number on it. i left it purposefully leaning and waited for my son to come home and take down the lights for me. i will have to attach them elsewhere, sadly. i wasn't tall enough to reach up and detach them all. he did it in quick fashion for me. my ex was in a huff when i told him. and in that moment i remembered the arguing, the fighting, the having to push for anything that i wanted. even when it was mine to decide. like now. with MY home. i didn't engage in the battle. i saw him bristle. heard his quick argument. acknowledged it....said no. didn't fight. i don't have to.
BUT. that very event reminded me of how easily creativity can be pushed aside for an illusion of peace. i have done that for years. and now? now i have to overcome all of that emotional stuff that built up. the put downs. the disappointment in who i wasn't and the total lack of support for who i was. it's like a seed in me that grows up quickly when i go to create. to change something. and i have to trim it back. what i want to do is get rid o the seed. to live new. to live free.
you see, i have this vision for around my home. the outside, i mean. but it's risky. it involves change. and the what ifs that he planted so very well paralyze me. the idea that i can't spend money to create beauty. the deep knowing that every time he sees what i have done, he finds the negative. even now.
in this moment of even delving into it, i feel my breathing change. the weight on my chest grows. my breath becomes shallow. i tense up. that's no good. i was created to create. not a great artist. but with creative expression all of my own built in. it HAS to come out. it has to spring forth and be done not in order to impress anyone but because it is there. a flower grows from the seed that is there whether there's anyone around to be impressed or not. it just does it's job. and some of them become the flower given on an anniversary. or at a funeral. or at an opening night. others bloom just as beautifully and with full finery and wither and die upon the stem, in the ground....never admired....never chosen for greatness. yet, they are a part of a whole. a strand of beauty in the masterpiece of this earth that declares the majesty and greatness of God. though individually one flower may seem insignificant, the billions that sprinkle the earth create an ever changing pattern of beauty and point to God Himself. Each of our artistic abilities are like that. we get so wrapped up in a career. in teaching kids to choose what to be. we forget to tell them. indeed, we have forgotten ourselves to be who we were uniquely created to be. to sing the melody that is ours alone. to bloom in the beauty that only we have. to be our own little part. not like all of the others. but a part in a whole, ever changing and wild beautiful declaration of the immensity and creativity and power of god.
i want to take my place in that. in the little things He puts in me.
but i have to allow my Creator to overcome the things that have thwarted my being a creator. not just a worker. no. not a laborer. a creator of things and thoughts beautiful. to be a part. even if just for a moment....of something great and bigger than me.
off i go to my worker job. yet, with a renewed attitude. because another thing i can plant is joy. i can change lives. i can share light. and though my light is small, when it lights another and another and another.....though my light is still small.....it makes a difference.
blessings dear ones.
i am having to overcome a sense of dread when creating around my home. i have ideas. i see things that would "work". yet, it was such a battle when i was married. it was never "right". he didn't see my need. didn't value my ability. and i do have it. the proof is in my patio. i formed it from the dirt up...with a friend there to get me through the absolute trauma of knowing that my then husband would criticize it. would be irritated with my use of the resources. but, we made a roundish patio and i made a path leaving to wander to the back of the house...that's still in progress as i gave up when he dug up under it and unset the bricks i had made even.....but the patio remains. and the dreamed for plants surround it. and the arbor that my friend bought because she saw what i could see. and the little fence to go in the front. it's a good place. yet, for me, there is still that residual weight of being chastised. of being told how it was wrong. then, last night, when the ex returned with my son, he was outside going to stand my arbor that had fallen over back up....but he didn't know the reason it fell down. i did. it's my house for pete's sake. i said to leave it. he told mehow i was going to break the lights that are attached to it. the lights are what pulled it down.......just like a pully. i had attached them to it very well. however, the WIND did a number on it. i left it purposefully leaning and waited for my son to come home and take down the lights for me. i will have to attach them elsewhere, sadly. i wasn't tall enough to reach up and detach them all. he did it in quick fashion for me. my ex was in a huff when i told him. and in that moment i remembered the arguing, the fighting, the having to push for anything that i wanted. even when it was mine to decide. like now. with MY home. i didn't engage in the battle. i saw him bristle. heard his quick argument. acknowledged it....said no. didn't fight. i don't have to.
BUT. that very event reminded me of how easily creativity can be pushed aside for an illusion of peace. i have done that for years. and now? now i have to overcome all of that emotional stuff that built up. the put downs. the disappointment in who i wasn't and the total lack of support for who i was. it's like a seed in me that grows up quickly when i go to create. to change something. and i have to trim it back. what i want to do is get rid o the seed. to live new. to live free.
you see, i have this vision for around my home. the outside, i mean. but it's risky. it involves change. and the what ifs that he planted so very well paralyze me. the idea that i can't spend money to create beauty. the deep knowing that every time he sees what i have done, he finds the negative. even now.
in this moment of even delving into it, i feel my breathing change. the weight on my chest grows. my breath becomes shallow. i tense up. that's no good. i was created to create. not a great artist. but with creative expression all of my own built in. it HAS to come out. it has to spring forth and be done not in order to impress anyone but because it is there. a flower grows from the seed that is there whether there's anyone around to be impressed or not. it just does it's job. and some of them become the flower given on an anniversary. or at a funeral. or at an opening night. others bloom just as beautifully and with full finery and wither and die upon the stem, in the ground....never admired....never chosen for greatness. yet, they are a part of a whole. a strand of beauty in the masterpiece of this earth that declares the majesty and greatness of God. though individually one flower may seem insignificant, the billions that sprinkle the earth create an ever changing pattern of beauty and point to God Himself. Each of our artistic abilities are like that. we get so wrapped up in a career. in teaching kids to choose what to be. we forget to tell them. indeed, we have forgotten ourselves to be who we were uniquely created to be. to sing the melody that is ours alone. to bloom in the beauty that only we have. to be our own little part. not like all of the others. but a part in a whole, ever changing and wild beautiful declaration of the immensity and creativity and power of god.
i want to take my place in that. in the little things He puts in me.
but i have to allow my Creator to overcome the things that have thwarted my being a creator. not just a worker. no. not a laborer. a creator of things and thoughts beautiful. to be a part. even if just for a moment....of something great and bigger than me.
off i go to my worker job. yet, with a renewed attitude. because another thing i can plant is joy. i can change lives. i can share light. and though my light is small, when it lights another and another and another.....though my light is still small.....it makes a difference.
blessings dear ones.
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