LIQUOR WORLD

need i say more?
haha.  probably so.
i've been going strong since yesterday morning before 5am.  it's now almost 7pm.  it's a good and bittersweet time getting my son settled at college.
i've been out of my comfort zone all day long.  meeting and greeting.  making small talk.  dealing with a kid who wants me to go...but doesn't want me to go.  spending time with each other.  trying to say the important things.  trying to hold back some things that would be for me and not for him.  spending hours in the car talking through the tough stuff that made up our lives before my divorce.  hearing how his dad wrote him a letter this last week and how little it meant because it didn't try to make things right.  it didn't say what his dad had done wrong.  it didn't apologize for the christmas fiasco.  but my son wasn't bitter.  he was very matter of fact.  and he told me how the divorce wasn't my fault.  and how it wasn't  a bad thing.  he told me how he was tired of living a lie before.  me too, i agreed.  we talked church.  and family.  we laughed.  we were somber.  we gossiped...about our own reality.  we fell asleep with him asking me about my favorite things.  it was super sweet.....and then, i just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.
we got up early.
we worked hard.
we met people.
i went and got my stuff into my hotel room.  he hung out in his room a bit.  then.....i went back and we had dinner with his roommate and his parents.
then i left.  and drove around the super cute downtown.  should have made it a girl's trip.  well, not really.  i'd probably not be too entertaining.  because i was driving around.  finding my way.  getting my bearings.  enjoying the spectacular peaks.  reveling in beauty.  when i saw it.........LIQUOR WORLD.  I veered into the parking lot and screeched to a halt in the narrow lot.  i went in the door....teal blue saloon doors......i found my baby bottles of wine.  just two, not four.  hahaha.  i bought them.  i got back to the hotel.  realized i didn't have a key.  oops.  went to get a key.  they made it wrong.  went back.  got the right one.  came into the room and stripped off my hot jeans and shirt and snuggled into my jammies, popped open a bottle of wine and sunk down into the pillows.
i started thinking today about how desperately happier i am.  alone is fine.  so much better, as a matter of fact.  i don't mean friends.  i mean, instead of being married.  it was a heavier burden than i even realized until i was allowed to put it down.  it didn't lift up or encourage.  i'm content.  i'm blessed.
now...on to some relax time!!!
blessings

time

it's time to get it done.  to take the kid to college.  i'm sad.  yet, it's time.  and we both are ready to just do it.  the waiting becomes harder as his friends have one by one left.  and for me, it's like the weight is too heavy  i've had too much to get done.  too many emotions boiling around in my soul.  loss.  pride.  hope.  fear.  while i take him, i'll be leaving my other kids.  including the other one that will be going to college.  and it's hard for me.  i'm asking them to take care of themselves.  they won't have a car.  i grocery shopped.  i made plans.  but i won't be here to be sure it all goes according to all of the inevitable little changes that come up.  so, that doesn't seem very big, but it's another letting go.  it also reminds me a bit that i don't particularly have a church family anymore.  maybe i should have rented a car.  not sure.  i think that it will be alright.  the only thing is if there is an emergency......
it's time because i'm weary of trying to think things through.  for home.  for school.  my students are not ready for a sub.  i am not as organized as i should be with all of that planning either.  my brain just can't wrap around it all right now.
because it's wrapping around too many emotions.  i am sad.  and relieved.  because....it really is time.  my son is more than ready.  we made it.  he's accepted.  he's going.  and i need to get a lot done first.  and then drive far.  and then be prepared that he might not be very nice at the last.  because he'll be needing to break away.
it's time.  and the tired will pass.  and a new normal will come.
now...to get ready for my sub tomorrow.

front and center

my ex is living in the limelight.  he always has.  hiding in plain sight.  it hurts my heart. but at some point, i got tired of talking about it.  i want people to understand, but they just can't.  today, i actually thought that it would almost be nice to go back to the women's shelter just to have someone who hears me.  who doesn't look at my ex and think what a marvel he is.
the church had an event that they posted pics on facebook....he was in three of the less than a dozen photos.  really.  wow.  it's wearing.  feels like i got to wear the "sinner" button while he gets to be a victim and become even more "popular."
but i see my kids doing better.  and they talk about it.  and they have the space to heal.  and to get back with him as they are comfortable.  and yes, he can make people feel sorry that he doesn't ever get to have his children.  and he can be pathetic.  and he can ask for prayer that his marriage will be healed.  and he can write me and say how he is sorry.  but the thing is....he still lives as a victim and allows for me to be the one to carry the brunt not only of my decisions, but of the things he did/didn't do.
he's still front and center.  even moreso.  everywhere.  all of the time.  but, hey...it is what it is.  i wonder if he's tired of it yet.  i don't think so.  it feeds him.
and today, though i was hurting....i actually felt sorry for him for how he behaves.  he misses out on so much.
life is full.  of relationship.  of beauty.  of love.  of learning.  of joy.  and i am content.  though, i am always amazed at how he manages to spin things.  guess that is why he's a newspaper editor.  knows how to protray things so that people thinks what he wants them to.

i'm glad to be single.
blessings.

growing up

i am learning to grow up.  not old.  not leaving fun behind.  but growing to be professional when the time demands.  growing to be strong when i want to cry.  i am growing to learn that though people may walk away, love doesn't end on my part and that that fact is the cause of much pain in life.  i am growing to see how god is not a part of a religious experience, but of a whole life experience....that he is indeed, life itself.  i am growing up and learning that my words can be spoken.  clearly.  kindly.  forthrightly.  and that they will often be misconstrued.  but that's not my job.  i can only try.  it is up to what is inside of another to choose what to take from me.  how to view me.  what to expect.  what to see.  some people will always see that i'm doing the wrong thing.  even when i'm doing my best to be open and giving my heart.
growing up.
it's rather satisfying.
freeing.
painful.
joyful.
it's a good thing.  i like my life.  even with all of the crap, i've been given an amazing life.
and i am brave.
very brave.  getting another kid ready for college.  making sure the others are covered and able to fend for themselves while i'm gone.  by myself.  with no assistance.  and......wow.....i am able.  woot woot!
tired of feeling sorry.  tired of feeling grief.  it ebbs and flows.  yet.....stays out longer than it used to.
i am growing up.
i'm a little bit proud of that.
blessings.

ouch

i went through my emails today.  back to 2006.  granted, the oldest ones were keepers.  from people i adore.  but after going through all 8000+ emails in order, back through the years, i realized that the friends that used to write me don't.  and that most of my newer emails say, "re" in front...meaning that they are in response.  the weight was heavy.  i cried.  and then, i just kept clicking.  i put all of those important people in my friends folder.  i put my ex in the folder with his name.  and i wondered if i'd ever again be sought out.  i don't know the answer.  there's no way to know the answer, so...i guess i'll just live with it.  still, it hurt.  more than i even want to admit.  as i hurt more...people dropped out of my life.  so, that's how it is and i just have to go on.
someone tonight was suggesting dating.  nope.  can't.  not there.  don't think i ever will be.  not interested.
how can i think that is a good idea when i can't even be a good friend to friends i had for years?
i wish that i was.  and i'm not sure how i'm not.  i guess that's the point.  i need to figure that out first.  i don't mean to be that friend that is.....someone you drop.  yet, i have been.  and i don't much feel like whining about it.  though i wish that it wasn't true.
i have a friend that has me picking up pics to send with my boys to school.  some are also of my ex.  and i just don't know if i can do it.  i could pick them up, but i don't know if i can send them.  it feels awkward.  to say the least.  if they want pics with him, it seems like they could get them from him.  he has some.
i don't say it out of anger or malice.  it's just so much.  emotional.  he chose to treat us poorly.  the kids live more peaceful lives.  only one son goes with my ex on a regular basis.  all of the other kids hold off as much as possible.  and it is hard.  because i'm tired of trying to explain it to people.  i'm tired of my kids not being seen.  they are trying.  but things aren't fatherly/kid with him.  it's not healthy and wonderful.  but "mr. charming" always gets the benefit of the doubt and i get to feel like the wicked witch when i feel a huge need for some definite boundaries.
i'm hurting.  that email thing is stupid.  but telling.  it just makes me want to quit reaching out because it's so embarrassing to see that "re:" in front of all of my personal emails.  now.  didn't used to be.  guess maybe i'm a pain in the butt now.
but this pain in the butt is ok.  she is figuring out things.  slowly, granted.  but still...she's doing it.
and she isn't quitting.  even if she isn't popular.  even if nobody notices that she's gone and misses her.  real is better than fake.  i will walk.  i will stand.  i will eventually soar.
and i will have joy.  genuine, abiding joy.  even in the tears.  the ouch exists.  but it doesn't silence the joy.
onward.
blessings

goodbyes

this is a week to say goodbye to my third son.  another college bound kid.  that's pretty cool.  another kid that made it through school without drinking binges, drug habits, sexual promiscuity nor even running away.  we made it.  not saying they didn't have sex in high school.  but if they have, it's not a sex party.  and i'm not saying that they haven't had alcohol either.  probably wishful thinking.  but they have shown themselves to be respectful and have made good choices.
only one has an outgoing relationship with jesus.  the others believe in god.  have accepted jesus.  however, their lives are differently oriented at the moment.  i don't fear.  they have a foundation.  and He will call them and lead them in His time.  i am glad that they don't live fake christian lives. they are living.  learning.  seeking.  being real.  it's a good thing.  it's true.  hot or cold...no lukewarm.  no fake.  and the embers of faith will spark again.  god is faithful.  and he doesn't need my help of nagging. :)
i have to say goodbye.  again.  my heart is heavy.  my body tired.  my eyes wet.  the day hasn't even come yet.
love my kids.  love them too much to ever hold them back.  so....off goes another one.
blessings.

The messages

The messages for men and women are very different in our culture. Especially in christianity.  The message for men seems to be freedom, forgiveness, being able to change.  For instance, a seminar is being advertised for men who have sexual struggles called "surfing for god"...the author says that he entitled it that because men who surf for porn on the internet are really looking for god.  MM hmm.  And when men have an affair, women are encouraged to forgive and be understanding.  And whatever the sin, men are allowed to embrace their humanity and simply repent.
Which is true.  We are allowed to repent. But not just men.
Women face a different set of standards.  Either a slut or a puritan.  Labeled.  Women who date younger men are called cougars....predators.  If a woman has an affair, that can be considered the ultimate offense.  A finishing move.  If a woman even dresses in the wrong way....based on whomever happens to be watching...she is the CAUSE of the man sinning.  Men are allowed to expect that women should be not just more forgiving, but willing to "forget" as well.
It's sad.  I am seeing it in social media.  It's not that I am so much affected at this point in my life, but I have concerns for my young men who are growing up.  Yes, I believe that there is complete forgiveness....but I believe that it's equal for men and women.  That the expectation for women shouldn't be so much higher.  women are supposed to be pure.  And untainted.  Unless the man is the one doing the tainting.  It's so confusing.
I remained a virgin until I got married.  I've had sex with exactly one man.  I didn't date, lead on, almost have sex with, get tempted to have sex with, put myself in a compromising position with anyone while I was married....nor since, for that matter.  Yet, blame abounds towards me for ending my marriage.
The messages are warped.  If a woman sins, she should pay the consequences.  If a man sins, a woman should pay the consequences.  If a man doesn't give attention or kindness,  a woman should be more kind, more loving, more attentive.....again, it must be her fault.  If a man "strays" or is tempted to stray, a woman must not have been attentive, kind, admiring enough.  She must not be keeping herself up.  He certainly is not completely responsible for his own actions.  Yet, a woman IS responsible for her own actions.  Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt, an excuse, a way out....while women are held unswervingly accountable.
Surfing for God?  Really?  Yes, I believe that there is a hole in the heart.  I believe it can be filled by God.  But what about all of these men that have accepted Jesus into their lives?  What are THEY looking for?  They are looking for sex.  Not love.  Not relationship.  They are looking to be as selfish as possible in a physical way with a woman.  And they are excused.  Ministry after ministry.  Money spent.  But sadly, not to say, "it's time to stop....or at leas to own it...".  No, it's more like, "sweetie, we know that you just feel empty and are looking for God and that's why you are doing this to the woman who may be a sex slave for the porn company...to your wife who will never be able to live up to this expectation...to your daughter that is a little heavy and "unattractive".  In alcoholics anonymous, their high rate of success is because from to starting gun, they are required to ADMIT and say aloud that they have a problem.  Yes, they are empty, yes they are searching.  But they have a problem and are going about it wrong.
Why are christian men not held to this standard?  I want more for my sons.  For their wives.  I don't want them ridiculed or kicked out of church.  I simply want them to own it when they screw up....and not honey coat it.
I normally don't think about this....it's just something that has been plastered everywhere I look this last week.  And I finally realized.  This basic attitude was the undoing of my marriage.  The church does not hold men accountable for their own actions....they rather go for it with the women and try to teach them how to love the men better so that they will behave better.  And the women want to.  They want to learn.  They want to nurture.  And when they fail.....the shame and guilt is immense.  I know.  I've been there.
I'm not pretty enough.  Not wearing nice enough clothes.  Not keeping up with the house well enough.  Not having sex enough.  Or exuberantly enough.  Or complimenting enough.  Or spending enough dating time.  It's......unfair.  And it's unkind.  And.....it perpetuates abuse as women try so hard to fall in line.
blessings.

this is so very true.
banged up.  in so many ways.
but i find the joy.
the peace.
the way through
the answers
because it's who i am
i love
i reach
i grow
and i never give up
blessings.

Blessed Alone Time

Tonight I've needed time to be alone.  To write. To ponder.  Life gets so hectic.  So many voices shouting.  It gets difficult to be intentional about what is important to me.  School feels competitive right now.  Like everyone is striving to do their best..to put on a show....to have the coolest everything.  It's easy to get sucked in.  But I want to remember that it's not the room.  Nor the bulletin boards.  Nor the great way that I show things on the board.  It's not how adequately I write the plans.  It's not making spread sheet after spread sheet...which my team is doing, and I don't even have ONE!  Makes me feel like a real loser.  Yet....in the quiet.  The stillness.  The Voice reminds me.  It's about relationship.  It's about building and encouraging PEOPLE.  Numbers and data and all of the rest has a huge place.  But it comes behind the building block of relationship.  I can't create growth or learning or confidence without trust and caring.  Respect is earned.
My own children have taught me so much.  Very much.  That life doesn't end when we fail to get things done.  That sometimes the best moments are the hardest moments.  That sometimes I'm wrong and need to say so.
I am having a hard time with this new team at school.  One person came in and is bossy and demanding.   She is a bit of a bully.  I tried to speak with her.  She is dismissive.  A nice enough person....yet, maybe trying too hard?  Not sure.  But the stress and tension is wearing on me.  I'm going to have to close my door some.  Take a breather. I need to take care of my tender heart.  Because I need to be there for my students.  I need to be able to focus on the important parts of my job.  Time to pray.  To think.  To let my mind go to the places I go to work things out.  In the chaos, I don't function.  At all.
I'm learning who I am.  I'm learning how I am.  I need to be respectful of others....but I also need to be respectful of myself.  I need not to get lost.
I am a learner.  A thinker.  A doer.  I am someone who passionately believes that genuine encouragement can change lives.  That giving true confidence may mean the difference in not only a grade, but in the direction a life takes.  My job is to uncover dreams and hopes.  My job is to water where others see nothing until something begins to grow.  And when it begins to grow, it's my job to cultivate it and show the owner the gift that they have.  My job is very little about the data.  The data is about my job.  I look at the data.  I keep it in my mind.  But I keep the children in my vision.  I keep their best interest in my heart.  I advocate for them.  I believe in them.  I lift them up when they can't see.
Yes, I need blessed alone time.  To regroup.  To remember who I am.  To remember that though I don't make and color code spread sheets, I have a knack for keeping those things in view.  I have a gift that I have been failing to see in the midst of all of the hubbub this last week.  I have been feeling beaten down.  I have nearly cried every day.  It's just hard to be with someone who thinks if you aren't like her then you aren't doing your job well.  It turns out.....we all have a place.  And though she doesn't know it yet, she needs what I can offer to the team.  She needs my hope.  My encouragement.  She needs to know that there are lots of ways to see something and that they can all be valued.  She needs to know that no matter what, she is appreciated.  Just like my students.
Yes, I believe I am ready to go back to my job.  To do it as I am called to do it.  Not as some think I should do it.
This job was a gift.  And God has a purpose for me there.  I want to keep an open heart  And mind.  To do so, I have to step away sometimes and regroup.  That's ok.  That's who I am.   Someone who needs the quiet.  The dark.  The still.  The calm.  The gentle nudge of a friend.  I need to be me.
Blessed.  Alone.  Time.
It has been wonderful.
good night.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I wanted to hear words that I didn't hear.  I wanted to be missed.  I wanted to be necessary.  I wanted my friends to say, "it won't be the same without you."  I wanted it.  In a deep part of my soul.  Longed for it.  There was an event at church that I've gone to for years.  But I felt awkward going alone.  Felt like I wouldn't have anyone to talk to.  And that is probably true.  And not going didn't kill me.  But the longing aches.  It pulses and throbs.  The wishing.  Hoping.  To be seen.  To be known.  To be......wanted.
It was hard.
It IS hard.
I get the "can you..." calls.
I get the "I need....." calls.
I get the "my kid needs..." calls.
I get the information calls....."be at .....by.....".
But I don't get the calls that are that special thing.
It's the difference between getting junk mail, form letters, group letters, or REAL MAIL.
Real mail feels so good.
Just for me.
With me in mind.
Thinking of me.  Letting me know that I'm still a part of their heart/s.
So, I made it through another day of no real mail.  Of not hearing the words that I desired so desperately.  And that's ok.  It's ok to admit what I wanted, needed, desired, hoped for....and didn't get.  It's ok to be sad.  But sad without it knocking me down.  I noted it.  I grieved it.  I went on with my day and my week.  Oh, I cried a bit, but that was just cleaning out the pain.  It has to leak out or it builds up.
But this fact.
This thing that has happened.
This being not invited, not missed, not someone of interest.  THIS has been harder than the divorce.
Because it's from people I respect.
It's from people I believe to be kind.  Loving.  Inclusive.
Making it even harder.
But I constantly let it go.
I texted a friend and said that I wanted to go to the event but that I didn't want to go alone.
But as I thought about it...it's nobody else's job to be with me.  If it feels like a job and not a pleasure for them, then I need to respect that.
I can only change me.  And I can't change to be different so that people see me.  Hear me.
I hear of the people getting together.  People that used to be my friends too.
And now.  Now?  I get the messages sent by kids that "my mom wants to have coffee with you sometime."
Or I get the "we should go out sometime...."
I've finally figured out that sometime mostly means never.  I'm a little bit slow.
But all is not lost.
I'm facing it.  I'm learning to not base my love for me on how others respond to me.  Big thing.
Yesterday was hard.  The residual knowledge is hard for today.
But, look how strong I am.  I stayed upright.  I got things done.  I chose to not wallow in it.
I spent many years doing all of the reaching out.  Starting all of the conversations.  Looking for things others would want to do.  Or want to talk about.  And now?  Now, I figure that maybe if nobody ever invites you back.  If they don't ask you first.  If they don't say those words that let you know that you're missed.  Then....well.....you probably aren't.  And that's how it is.  And it's no good convincing.  Because....real is more important than fake.
Life will go on.
I will have joy.
Even in the grief.
And peace.
This journey isn't over.
My story might just help someone else know that all is not lost.
May it be so.
blessings.

reflect

i take time to reflect.  to think on things.  to mull things over.  had a recent conversation about my daughter and how my heart aches for where she is right now.  her best friends have always been older.  she is a youngest child..used to be with the "big kids".  most people think that she is older.  but, the time has come where she is getting "left behind."  i was lamenting her lack of sense of belonging in the youth group.  i was saying how the cliques feel big to her.  unpenetrable.  and the response was that she has been a part of a clique with her brothers and this other family.  their own clique.  and i agreed.  but something didn't sit quite right.  and in the overnight...as often happens, i realized what it was.  family is different.  and the family we have is us and this other family.   but something changed.  or actually, probably not.  probably my daughter and i viewed the relationships as family when they view it as friends and that's how it came to feel like a clique.  and cliques are bad.  everyone needs to be included.  so...that explains so much of why i have felt lost for awhile.  with nobody to be family.  to say not that i have more value than someone else, but that the relationship is different.  it's not.  and it's not for my daughter.  and that nearly crushed me.  the realization that she has those feelings...of being disconnected.  of being the one that has to hold it together.  of not being sought out.  of feeling like someone is a different kind of relationship and then realizing that you fall into the friend category with dozens of others.  i feel what she was feeling.  she has been struggling with it for a few months.  texting.  not hearing.  making plans that fall through.  feeling like she's having to force someone to be with her.
it's hard.  because as i reflect i have to be real.  and real is that we don't have family here.  friends were our family.  but if friends have to be all inclusive and equal...then we can't do that.  we can't have friends be our family.
it doesn't mean we are alone.  i told her that.  told my daughter that we have lots of friends that care.  but, she is craving that closeness.  we have each other, but she's wanting it in an extended way.  and i hurt so much more than when it was just me feeling the disconnect.
it took time to reflect.  to understand that two people who are close can see things so very differently.  funny.  it doesn't change how i feel.  it changes what i know i need to do.  not how i feel.  not how it hurts.  but it does help me to see that if a friendship feels like a clique then people will draw away in order to establish balance.  they will do what it is that makes them feel right about what they are doing.
and i'm left without family.
but i realized this morning.  it wasn't my family to have.  it was friends  and while it's hard, i'm glad for the time that helped us get through.  glad that it was there.  glad that i viewed it as i did even if i was so far off.
i keep getting it.  seeing it.  but i keep wanting to close my eyes. to shut off my awareness and go back to the blissful ignorance that said that it was family.
i'm still ok.  i just need my daughter to be ok.  she's a hurting puppy.  i can't fix it.  but i can show her that life is good.  that she is loved.  and i can be sorry.  i can empathize.  and i can help her get through it.  because i can't make anyone call.  or text.  or email.  i can't do it.  i can teach her how to reach out to some that might want to be reciprocal.  teach her to start again.  teach her to keep loving anyway.
she's amazing.  she'll be fine too.  but her heart breaking......is almost more than i can bear.
blessings.

the prayer of a mother's heart

prayer.  it has been my go to since i can ever remember....a small child that didn't just pray at bedtime when told to...i was drawn to jesus very young.  a void that only he filled.  a relationship.  jesus was never a tradition for me.  never a religion.  he was...a friend.  a protector.  someone who understood.  he was my comforter when i had none.
and these last days.....and longer, of course, but a loooooootttt, these last few days, i have been driven to that child like place.  the place of just knowing that i have to trust.  that i have to leave what i don't understand and can't fix to the one who already knows.  i hurt for my daughter.  she is in such a need of friend encouragement.  she feels like she is left hanging.  part of a group.  not without friends.  but not with the near and dear friends.  she is the one that does the reaching out.  i hurt for her because she has lived through a divorce in the last year and a half...with great grace....but nobody seems to reach out to her.  the saddest part of all?  she feels like she's more "equal" at school than at church.  mind you, she has grown up in that church her entire life.  but she isn't a part of the "in" group.  it's sad.  but, not the end of the world.
and then, my third son is still having to learn to cope with the fact that his dad won't make things right with him.  won't reach out to him.  will invite him to "events" or outings with everyone, but won't spend time with him.  and he doesn't want anyone to explain it to his dad.  i think there is this place in all of us that just desires for someone to long for us.  to want so much to be with us that it matters when they are not and they do something about it.  and he's doing all of this and leaving home in a week and a half.
and work has been tough.  i'm using my big girl words.  speaking up.  but, there's this one situation that is going to require careful thought and prayer.  i still love my job, but on friday, i actually considered that maybe i'm not good enough to be there.   and maybe i'm not.  maybe it'll be time to change eventually.  but not yet.  not today.
and i'm doing my damndest to keep up.  laundry.  sheets.  clothes.  towels.  floors.  bathroom.  pick up.  dishes.  but...i've faltered on any cooking.  just couldn't do any more.  but this mother's heart prays to be better for my kids.  to reach a place where i do what i can to keep them comfortable and feeling valued.
prayer.  from a mother's heart.  this mother's heart.  a child like heart.  that trusts so much.  though my son is driving to a late movie 30 miles away.  maybe it's 20. around a thirty minute drive.  with a friend.  and i just had to release it.  god can carry him.  god goes with him.  and i can't.  besides...even if i did, i can do nothing to keep him safe.  well, except for reminding him to be careful.
i ran circles today and got a tremendous amount done.  tomorrow i need several hours in my classroom and then it should be....better. i am excited.  i am...prayerful.  to be and to do what they need.  that their hearts will be filled...and healed from last year when they were treated badly.  a teacher's heart....it prays just like the mother's heart.  for their well being and growth.
folding clothes...cutting veggies...then..................vegging out.  i have time.
blessings.

my lover. my friend.

no.  i haven't met someone new.
i've grown again to sense the deep presence of someone from the past.  in my mind.  my heart.  my soul.  whispering.  holding on.  and i rolled over yesterday morning and said, "good morning, i'm glad you are part of my day. i really need you to help me today.  can't do anything without you."
and god smiled.
it was a wonderful morning.
because god promised to be my friend.  my father.  my husband.  my all.  he promised to be enough.  not that he ever intended to leave any of us without other humans.  that would be like saying that a finger or toe or eye or brain would be the same as having a whole body.  each are wonderful, appreciated, loved...but, it takes more parts to be complete.
i used to wake up every single morning with those thoughts.  always completely giving my day to him.  inviting him to lead.  being thrilled to look forward to what he had for the day.
it was.....delightful.
not striving.  not trying. not focusing.  not making good habits.
just a genuine.  full hearted.  not even planned.  the first thought.  it was beautiful.  freeing.
god.    is.    good.
and he hasn't held against me my being wounded.  love that too.
blessings.

on the best day

i have worked so hard on my house.  but, on the best day, it falls short.  when i get one thing done, another suffers.  where i put my time and energy matters.  i can't do it all.  and i can't do things so that i can compare with those that my house falls short of being like.  because i have to make my own decisions about how to live life and what is important.  but.  sometimes.  i just want it to be the kind of home that you walk into and it feels...neat.  comfy.  cozy.  and homey.  and welcoming.  i want it all.
but i have other things that call to me as well.  so, i have to choose.
i choose people most of the time.  and that's a good thing.
as long as i remember that i am a people. ;)
on the best day, if i were to judge my house, my life, my abilities, my wealth, my faith by comparing to someone else's.....i would come up lacking.  that's ok.  each life should look different.  this is my life.  it needs to be uniquely me.
blessings.

learning from others

That about sums it up.
blessings.

proud of me....and no one to tell

i have gone through so many papers and pictures and notes and cards.  i have spent time in the closet that for some reason makes me weak in the knees and leaves me wanting to curl up and suck my thumb.  but.  i did it.  i have stored the good memories in there.  the kids' boxes.  my boxes.  i am nearly done.  just nearly.  and have to straighten up my room when that's done.  but i am so very proud of me.
but no one to tell.
i accomplished something that is huge for me.  i have not backed down from one box.  i have not failed to look at one letter.  i have not just tossed the pics aside.  i have faced the memories.  the good and the bad.  i have allowed them to sink in.  and i have remembered truth again.  the truth of the matter is that my ex has a way of looking really good.  and making us feel so bad.  he did it over and over.  and getting to look back just made bells go off.  and made  me see that i'm not crazy.  i didn't over react.
and i was brave.  because he really scared me sometimes.  there were some times that he physically over powered me.  it was when we were supposed to be playing...but he would grab my wrists and get over me and make me completely helpless.  and now i realize....that's not funny.  and it's not kind  and certainly not loving.  but i thought that something was wrong with me.  hmmm.  weird.
and those memories?  that's what they are.  they can't hurt me.  they can help to make me kinder.  more gentle.  more understanding.
but, it is a little sad to accomplish something so big for me and have none to celebrate with.
ah well, still, i did it!! i am doing it!!  and i am proud of me.
blessings.

grief

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

This is a good site.  It deals with death more than other losses....but, I find it enlightening.  Helpful.  Hope you do too.

acceptance

finally.  to the place of acceptance in my grief cycle.  past the anger and denial and depression.  the guilt.  the bargaining that if i can only do certain things then maybe people will not only like me still....but maybe love me.
i began the reconstruction.  and strangely.....the grief increased.  i broke.  i cried.  i hurt.  i thought that i would completely lose it.
alone.  that's all that i could think.
and now.
i realize.
i am.
alone.
to some degree.
even those i love don't really talk about real stuff.  the depth is gone.  and it might come back some day.  or it might not.
i can't control it.  i can't fix it.
i can't make it happen that those i've loved and done life with will inquire about me...to me, will call, will write, will do much more than the basics to keep up appearances and perhaps to assuage feeling badly that things are not the same.
but god does know that i've tried.
tried.
tried.
and i have grieved with my whole heart and mind.
i have prayed.
i have wondered.
i have dabbled with the idea of being different.
but i can't.  that would be a backward journey.
and i will just have to learn to sit with those i love....because love them, i do.....and understand that it is what it is.
and i am there.
finally.
at least for the moment.
acceptance.
nobody is coming looking for me.
and being ok with that needs to be a part of the journey.
i have thought about writing to my church staff.  letting them know how it is.....how it feels....what it's like on this side....not to get something....not to cause something.....just so that they can be aware and help to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else.  because in the church.....it shouldn't.  ever.
but strangely.  very strangely. peace has come to me.  for now.
and though nothing changes.  and though i can be with others for hours and not be able to start any conversation of substance.  though i get not hugs unless i get my kids to give them to me.  though i indeed am emotionally alone.
yet, i figure that if i can learn to go through this.  to stand.  to love god.  to love me.  to do what is important.  to rest when needed.  then....when others are ready.  when the time is right.....then i will be whole and able to share and be a better friend.
because i have been too needy.  too troublesome.  and i own that.  i've been a pain in the butt.
life goes on.
i must too.
blessings.

and i wonder

i wonder what god really says about things.  i've been reading the divorcecare book.  it has a lot of good things.  it is christian based.  but i got really hurt when i got to the part that says that forgiveness isn't enough.  reconciliation has to be the goal.  even if you don't remarry.  that you have to become good friends.  and....it was crushing.  because every christian author seems to think that they speak for god.  that for not reason should shaking the dust from your sandals be an option.  that forgiving means trusting again.
not so much.  not for me.
i don't trust him.
there is this place within me that knows that he is not trustworthy for my heart.  that he uses it.  and it wasn't once...it was a lifestyle.  a toxic lifestyle.  i look at the cards and letters that we exchanged.  i remember working so hard to try to get one that said the right thing.  having trouble with words.  i didn't trust for a long time.  i was scared for a long time.  but i said the right things.  behaved the right ways.  to save....what?  a marriage?  was THAT a marriage? a binding of hearts?  it was a commitment.  but it wasn't a dedication of lives.  it wasn't a growing, vibrant, working through things relationship.  it was....commitment.
commitment based on pride.  not love.
so, when i read the books, i come away so empty.  feeling so unheard.  like i am mute in the world of christendom.  that my voice is silenced because it doesn't say what people want to hear.
as i read the bible, i don't see such a harsh view.  but, then books say that i'm following the world or being influenced in my interpretation by the world.  or other outside forces.  aren't we all?  by our experiences.  by where we are?
but i do wonder.  mostly i wonder why christianity seems so bent on hurting their own.  on wounding.  on judging.  on astracizing.  i wonder....is that what god wants?  that if people sin they should be treated as less?  i don't blame it on god.  it doesn't effect how i view him.  but i have concerns for the church.  there's not a single thing in place to hold men accountable but women are told to submit and all will be well.
i threw my praying scripture for you husband book away today.  and all of the other self help books that i had squirreled away over the years.  the marriage self help.  how to give more.  how to love better.  how to meet his needs.  how to pray him.
you know, none of them said.....first take care of you.  first, seek god.  first, remember that you are an equal partner.  first, remember that you should value who god made you to be.  it's a gift.  nope.  they were all about giving everything up and serving his needs.  doing whatever it took.  which could be awesome....if you are married to someone who also does that.  i wasn't.
and i wonder....
will i ever again be accepted into a church just as a normal person and not as a divorced woman?
i wonder.

growing up

i am feeling like i am growing up.  but not growing old.  before it felt like growing old.  now it feels like learning to be wise.  learning to take care of me...and those i love.  i am learning to be kind to myself.  got back to school clothes today.  feels good.  real clothes.  that actually fit me.  and it seems like a small thing.  and it is to some degree. but one of my kids stood, arms folded, glaring while i was paying.  i bought his sister a couple of things too.  ladies store.  i sent him out.  not taking anyone's guilt anymore.  not for taking care of what i need to do.  then i spoiled he and his brother a little.  he got over his bad feelings.  i told him straight up that it wasn't his decision what to buy or not buy for me or for his sister.  he backed down.  we were all trained for so long that cheap is best.  my other son was commenting on how he thought that it is better to buy quality than just cheap stuff..especially since they wear their clothes for so long.  some of their friends get new stuff every couple of months.  they don't.  so....quality has some merit.  except for that one cute thing that is just a whim and going to be worn for a short time...then, cheap it is.  it was good to get them some things.  it wasn't what a lot of people do.  but i got to decide.  like a grown up.  without bickering.  without someone making the kids feel badly.  or me.  it was harsh.  for a long time.  when we had money.  when we didn't.  never mattered.  so, here we are.  healing.  even in such silly ways.
growing up.  getting things done.  hard things.  prayerfully.  but...decisively.  learning to not second guess every single thing.  to be content and at ease.  god provides.  miraculously.  he is good and kind.  and he doesn't hate me for getting clothes to wear to work.  that's a good thing.  and i can be wise.  it is ok to have appropriate clothes to wear for teaching.  grown up clothes.
and i am growing up to stand up for myself.
still working. still trying to my house my home.
blessings.

Way to go

I was just sitting here...at the end of the mound of laundry.  mostly put away too.  And I thought, "good job."  About myself.  I congratulated myself.  Genuinely.  Not forcing myself to think something good, but being genuinely proud of all I have accomplished.  I have done something amazing.  Though my home still doesn't look like most people's do when you go visit.  We are pretty messy these days.  And yet.....wow.  I've done a LOT.  And I feel....proud.
Wow.  A year ago I wouldn't have been able to hear that voice.  It was so overshadowed by what I had heard.  By how I was treated.  But now, that voice that sees good....in me....was heard.
It was a good day.
blessings.

Now there are two

I have six kids.  One left years and years ago.  But these five biological ones are going one after the other.  This year, I will have three in college and one senior in high school.  Then, two years until my daughter graduates.  Three years.  Wow.
It has been a good life recently.  I realized that I no longer just wish for the end so that I can get safe and be away from the ex.  Parting from him has helped my kids because it has helped me to be present.  To enjoy the moments.  To stop and look.  Really look.  And listen.
Good times.  Tough times.  But....all wonderful.
It's going to be a tough end of the month.  Two boys leave.  Only two left at home.  Goodness.  That was fast!
blessings.

fearless

i hung a sign.  it's over my bed.  reminding me of how god is above me.  around me.  below me.  before me.  behind me.  completely surrounded.  by him.  the sign says "fearless" and goes on to say "i want to live with a fearless heart, courage that comes from trusting God."  this is my fearless year.  my one word of the year.  the year is more than half over and i was thinking that i should evaluate.  not decimate my failures, but take stock of how i'm doing.
on many fronts, i am really doing well.  i am going forward with really difficult things in my home.  it's hard to go through all of the memory stuff.  it stirs up memories that others wouldn't have touching the stuff, looking at the pics.  remembering the discomfort, the stress, the heartache, the striving.  it's like living through it in fast motion all over again.  and i have done it anyway.  it's huge.
and i jack hammered.
and i have fixed things.
and i have helped two boys shop for cars.  me.  they asked ME.  wow.  both of them.
and i have grown pretty flowers.
and driven the riding mower.
and taken a nice vacation.
and i am going back to a job....even though it's all new again and that scares me a bit.
and i have figured out that church is going to have to change....and i am working through that process though i'm not done dealing with that yet.
and i am claiming my home.  as a haven.  a place of rest.
and i have faced hard things with some of my kids and said the tough stuff.
and i have graduated another kid.
and i have faced the hurt about friends from the past.
good stuff.  lots of it.
but there's still more to do.
i have a hard time telling my ex he's being a jerk.  like this selling of the van.  he left all of the work to me.  yet he gets the money.  i wish he'd offer it to the kids.  but.....i think maybe fearless in this situation could be letting it go.
i am struggling with not holding onto those who are needing to walk away.  or be shallow.  i know what i need to do, but i'm just not ready yet.  and though the holding on hurts too.....i'm giving myself the grace to take my time.
and i still live knowing that my family chose him.  and i have let it go.  but it has meant moving on rather alone.  means i need to surround myself with those who not simply agree with me.....i don't need them to agree, just love me.
still working through kid stuff.  hard to be their only real parent.  not a fun buddy.  balance.  encouraging.  being truthful.  fearlessly leading them to be and do who they are created to be.  to the One who made them.
overall, i am growing.  a lot.  though it's as if i've been in a whiney stage.  i've needed affirmation, and i don't know where to find it.  maybe i need to fearlessly ask for it? but if it's asked for it seems contrived.  there's a struggle.
learning.  moving forward.  dreaming.  planning.  hoping.
i don't have it all down, but i am better than i would be if i didn't try to live fearlessly.  i might not always make it, but now i see that being aware of it makes me get closer to it than if i never even thought about being fearless.  it's a good measuring stick.  it helps me see if i'm being full of faith and hope.
blessings.

text

my second son was texting me last night as they were headed home.  joyfully.  happily.  he texted, "happy, happy, happy." made me smile.  he is not demonstrative, though loving. it felt good.
my youngest son texted that he was coming.
they were coming.....HOME.
i am home to them.
i love that.
i love that i did something i set out to do.  and i did it well.  i not only let them go on their vacation with their dad to the family reunion, i released them to be absolutely present there.  i didn't text and call.  i didn't make it hard.  i didn't fuss when they left.  i gifted them.  though they were unaware.
and they blissfully played and were present in the time with their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins.  they played.  they enjoyed.  they observed reality.  my daughter was shocked at the things that her extended family fights about.  eye opening.  and yet, they still had fun and knew that they were loved.
and then...their minds began to shift.  they were coming home.
and their minds turned toward home.  photos began to be of here.  posts.  texts.
home.
and they were proud of their home when they arrived.  proud of me.  said that it's sparkly.  though it's messy, it's getting clean.
i love that.
that they were appreciative of what they knew i had done.  complimentary.  kind.  it was such a novel thing.
happy heart dance.
now.  less than a week to finish what is on my mind around here.  because my mind needs to move towards my other kids too.  my school kids.  it's going to be a good year.
blessings.

home. finally, nearly home.

not me.
my kids.
i have done my best not to whine.  nor be troublesome about it.
but i survived another week with them gone.
that's huge.
and i've accomplished so very much since vacation.
i just put together my new bed frame.  altogether there were 22 bolts and 24 washers.  and, of course, then i had to wrangle the box springs and mattress onto the frame.  done.  now, i could berate myself because my house is far from done.  however, tonight when i was outside with the dogs and the sun had just gone down and the lights were shining through the still open windows...i smiled.  the house is starting to have that at home feeling about it.  not institutional nor necessarily just practical...much more.  homey.  put together.  lots and lots to do.  lots of big things.  and little things.  but i'm gnawing away at the list.  and i'm not just stuffing things away.  i'm putting my hands on them and deciding their value in our lives.  a lot of stuff is leaving.  and i mean a lot.  more than i even did at the garage sale.  the come get it for free.  we're going to have another freebie day.
and i am refusing to use the barn and the loft as overflow.  don't need overflow.  at all.
a lot left to do.  i know.  and i'm embarrassed when people come by.  they don't know that i've scrubbed and cleaned and wiped the walls and the baseboards and the grout.  they have no idea that i've gone through all of the childhood stuff.  but i know.  and i know that i've kicked butt.  and i'm proud of me.  even if nobody else knows what it has entailed.
and now my kids are nearly here.
they will wish it was all done too....but perhaps they'll see that it is better.  i hope so.
i need some rest.
blessings.

one thing at a time

one thing down and on to the next. i kinda just want to go to the movies or something.  but, i do feel really good about getting stuff done.  really good.  like i'm changing from the inside out.  not just living where i was.  how i was.  moving on.
i have a lot on my heart these days.  constantly.  and i'm having to learn how to cope with some things that aren't going to change. but, i can change.  my mind. my thought process. my words.  my actions.  i can choose to be in places that are safe. i can choose to let go of things that harm me.
so, just like getting my house in order, one step at a time.....i will get my life in order.
it takes time.
it always shocks me how deeply and desperately wounded i was.  how i lived trying to make it while bleeding out.  trying to still give to those i love.
guess that explains why i need rehab.  i lived through something that i don't even know how to explain to people.  they smile and nod or listen but don't really tune in...because they've met him and he seems normal and outgoing and fun.  so i need to let them have their reality.  but in so doing, i need not to deny mine.
blessings.

Productive

Letting go of fear and wondering helps me to be more productive.  I WANT to make my home mine.  I want to enjoy it.  I want it clean.  Stressed that it's so hard to get kids to help KEEP it that way, but not in a bad way.  Mostly, I'm just happy to see myself making progress.
This morning I almost gave up.  Looked around my yard, garden, every room in my house.  I was so disheartened with all of the work I have done and how unkempt it looks.  But then I thought how much I've done in such a short time and it gave me hope.  Looking at the good.  Choosing each day.  Giving myself the grace and time and kudos that I would give others.  That's hard.  I want to do it all and do it now!
Ordering carpet.  Replacing the dishwasher.  Replaced the water heater.  Thinking of what to do about the fridge that has a broken ice maker.  Fix or sell and put the money towards a new fridge.  Scrubbing the cabinets and the baseboards.  Contemplating painting.  Soon.  
Life is very good.  Though I still get a sense of sad lonely and wondering of how I could ever have ended up being the one that people turned away from.  I wonder why I have to have bitch status when really, I'm not.  I will go out of my way for people.  But.....still, not outgoing and charming.  Socially lacking, I guess.  Oh well.  Not that social anyway.
blessings.

Lost it

Well, I didn't go to church on my own today. I bawled instead. A friend said that she understands how hard it is to not feel comfortable at our church because she is also divorced. But somehow it's not the same. Why? Because I have not one person that misses me and that it makes a difference that I  there. No calls. No words. No fitting in when I'm there. I mostly stand around and wait for the people I care about to finish visiting with the church family. A family I thought I shared but have realized that it doesn't work with the charming ex front and center. Surrounded by staff and our old mutual friends. Hey, they are in choir together. I get it. But it doesn't keep my heart from breaking. It doesn't keep me from hurting. And it certainly isn't worshiping together on unity. He wears his ring. He acts like he was so wronged and he just doesn't understand how this so suddenly happened. He is an extrovert who can play the crowd. I just wish that some of my friends would have given me the benefit of the doubt and perhaps encouragement that they want me by them and that I matter to them. Not that I win a battle over whose church it is. I already lost. Because I determined church would not be a battle. I just didn't realize that I would matter so little to my church family. I have stood up for others. Called. Stood near. But this week I finally completely got that I've been disowned. And it hurts. But not disowned by god just that congregation. Still, it was home and family for me.

So this unanniversary day is tough. But I'll cook a nice meal and do stuff around the house.  And I know I'm ok. Pain doesn't mean something is wrong. It often is just a part of healing and rehab. 

I just need to breathe and not fear these tears. Alone tears are hell. And pretty soon I'm just going to have to stand on a street corner with a sign that reads,"will work for hugs," because I could use some.

Unanniversary

Here it is. My unanniversary. With no Internet. But they will fix it tomorrow. I am taking stock. Knowing what I've done well and what I need to change. What drew me and held me to someone that didn't even see me or like who I was? What compelled me to stay with someone who said that he was ashamed of me in front of his family and even went a step further and queried,"shouldn't I be?" But I stayed. I apologized. I promised to do better. I was an oaf. I didn't realize then that no matter what I did better, I would never please him. Being ashamed of someone doesn't lead to a good relationship nor does trying to prove that you should not be a source of shame to them. There's no love on that. Only control. But I let that go on. I view it as failure on my part when someone I love treats me badly or uses me. This I am changing. Slowly. I didn't get there quickly and I won't get out of it quickly. But with prayer and patience and grace I will heal from those years of trauma. I have come far. I am happy. Not always easy, but always wake up and go to sleep relieved.

I celebrate life. Living. Praying. Growing. I am blessed.

Beauty

All different

Time for me to listen to this.  I have been lonely.  I like being alone.  But....not being lonely.  Tonight I'm not working.  Vegging.  Just contemplating if I can tell others the truth.  I need them.  But if they need to walk away, I need to let them.
Got a puppy sleeping on the floor by my bed.  All is not lost.
blessings.

rosa and suzie

i have a friend who years ago made up a story about rosa and suzie.  rosa was for a rose and suzie for a black eyed susan.  friends would meet over the garden gate.  one with a rose garden, one with a wild flower garden.  rosa was me.  suzie was her.
i thought of the story again this week as i was observing my very wild garden. full of all kinds of plants.  perennials, annuals that go to seed, sunflowers, even mint and strawberries, vines, bulbs, hollyhocks, daisies, cone flowers, peonies and yes, roses.  but the roses don't really thrive in a regular garden to begin with. they take time to get established.  they do much better in a garden of their own.  but, i like the look of them mixed in.  so....i leave them be and let them work it out in time.  and it does take time.  there is one that i wasn't sure was going to bother to come back this year. i spent time and nurtured it a bit.  cut the intruders back and gave it a little breathing room....for awhile.  and, what do you know?  it's growing.  getting taller.  even has some late summer buds for the first year ever. first time it has ever made flowers.
and the roses in my garden and the long ago story got me to thinking about how i am.  i am very much the rose in the garden.  it's so hard for me.  most people have no idea.  it takes a lot for me to grow.  to be nurtured.  to fit in within the crowd.  with a few, i'm good. and given time, i'm good too.  but i'm not like the daisies that just go everywhere.  nor like the mint that will take over.  no, i'm pretty settled in and take time to grow.  but, there's still beauty in me.  still ways to make more beauty...though it's harder with a rose than with a clematis. it takes planning.
yes, i am much like a rose.
who's a friend with lots of other beautiful flowers.  who fit in and grow and are ever so much more quick to grow accustomed to a crowded garden.
and perhaps that's one of the reasons i struggle in these days.  overshadowed a bit.  but, i'm still there.  just takes me time.  and nobody can rush it.  even me.  i can't will myself to be a daisy.  or mint.  or delphinium.  though i appreciate them all.  i am....just me.  trying to find my place in the garden.  and the garden is full of beauty already. so, sometimes it doesn't seem like it much matters if i produce my few little flowers in the midst of the massive displays of the other flowers.
but it is important.  because each one has a purpose.
the bees.  and butterflies. and hummingbirds.  and wasps.  and flies.  and earwigs.  and toads.  and caterpillars.  and sparrows.  and blue jays. and mockingbirds.  and doves.  and......so many living creatures need my garden.  and they don't all need the same kinds of things!  and that's how it is with me.  i might not be like the sunflower that feeds all of those sweet red headed sparrows and the jays.  and i might not be the lillies or geraniums that draw the butterflies and hummingbirds.  but, i still have a purpose that is uniquely mine.  i forget that sometimes.  i don't forget it in my garden with my flowers.  i marvel at it every single day.  i watch all of the life.  it's totally wonderful.
i need to remember.  i'm rosa.  and suzie and rosa meet over the garden gate and enjoy each other's gardens...and over time....their gardens spread through the fence and intertwine and create an even more abundant and beautiful garden.
blessings.

i did it anyway

i invited.  i risked.  i keep doing it.  though it changes nothing.  it just seems to be a part of who i am.  i reach out.  i'm not so good in big groups.  nor in making new friends.  that takes me time.  but, i was always good at getting my other friends together.
so.  i did it.  again.  though i had refrained.  though i tried to answer a question that was asked in the car with just two of us, but it got swept aside.  and i realized how much i love my friends.  and how dear they are to my heart.  and that's why it's so very difficult for me to feel.......uninvited.  like i have to do the inviting.  i'm just so frail.
but it's how it is.
and if i desire the company, it's what i have to do.  but is it enough?  i don't know.
but i have to say.....today was nice.
blessings.

sometimes

sometimes you just have to lay outside on the picnic table as the sun fades from the sky and look up at the huge trees and hear the leaves rustle.  sometimes you just have to stop wondering when things will get better and just let them be better in the right now.  enjoy what is.  rest.  mind.  heart.  soul.  body.  and let the grief move aside for the beauty.  the glory of god.  the good.  but maybe grief is good too.  because it opens the heart.  the mind.
life is a constant changing journey.  always important to stop and see the wonders.  the miracles.
blessings.

hi

hi,
my name is grace.  i've been blogging for quite some time about being a woman of god who doesn't have a perfect life.  a woman who has divorced her husband.  a woman who did so at the risk of everyone else.  and found it worth it.
there is not a day that goes by that i'm not thankful. oh, i question myself.  i wonder if i could be better.  but, then i remember.  i didn't rush.  i didn't hurry.  i prayed.  i gave all.
and i remember.  that i am relieved.  to see my kids grow and change.  and find their voices.  even when what they have to say is bitter.  they don't even realize that that also is my gift to them.  the ability to not agree.  to have feelings that are not happy.  i'm glad about that.
but when you read, you will see the rawness of emotion.  this is where i come to just put everything out there.  to work through.  and hope and pray that doing so helps others to work through as well.
not to push people to divorce.  i love seeing really, genuinely good marriages.  but....seeing truth.  embracing reality.  working through hard emotions.  it just seems like there aren't outlets for that.  people say, "go to a counselor".  and, that's certainly an option.  but i want relationships.  this blogging is as good as a counselor.  a place to put it out there.  to struggle.  to wonder.  but when another person is involved, i think it's nicer for it to be friends and family. people who are vested in our lives.  but that's only for me.  i've seen counselors do amazing things.  seen people heal,  never be ashamed or hesitant to go.
i'm still struggling.  i don't have answers, only experiences, prayers, hopes, worries, pain, joy.  all to share.
i hope that if you are facing any kind of abuse that you find help.  not just being hit....being harmed.  seek help.  i know it's hard to find online.  i tried.  it's especially hard in the christian realm.
bottom line.....god loves you.  dearly.  no matter what you are thinking or how you feel.
blessings.

grief

i am grieving the loss of friendships.  not of people who are around.  but the depth.  the connection.  grief.  and i have all of the stages.  i feel pretty hopeless right now in the acceptance of it.  instead of people being there, i feel like i get kudos for doing it on my own, for making different friends.  it probably would all be ok, but that's how it was in my marriage.  kudos if i did what he wanted.  not what i desperately needed.  and so, i ache.  i know how it is.  i see how it is.  i get it.  but i am grieving more than i did over the loss of my husband in some ways.  because he never cared about my heart.  he didn't make that effort.  to know me.  but my friends did.
and i feel left.  abandoned.  i feel like in my deepest needs i've been left hanging.  superficial.  talk about all kinds of stuff but not the important stuff.  no, not my ex.  real feelings.  stuff that's hard.  and who i am is pretty crummy because i can't just throw it out there in 15 minutes.
so, i grieve.  alone.
and i...me....the encourager and believer and hopeful one....feels so desperately hopeless in this realm.  i can't really cry much more.  i've become the outsider looking in.  and i am not able to go out and make new everything right now.  because if my husband thought so lowly of me.  and my friends disappear.  and my church family too.  then...there's really not much hope of someone else wanting to really know me.
to boot, my going off to college son was super mean today.  told me i work maybe once a week.  that i do nothing.  that i don't get anything.  that he can't believe i don't have money to send him to college.  that he doesn't want to spend any time with me.  wow.  painful.  i bawled.  i told him how much i love him.  how i know that he'll do good things.  but i also told him that it's not ok with me that he checks out, makes constant messes around the house and refuses to help at all.  told him that if he comes home in the summers from college he will have to clean and help.  and that if he doesn't want to then he should find a job and make living arrangements.  i bawled as i said it.  told him it's not that i don't want him here.....that i need him, just as who he is.  but that it would be wrong of me to allow him to behave that way.  to allow him to use me and treat me like crap.  now he's feeling better.  he was going to leave.....but he couldn't have my car.  ha.
but then, while i was out, i realized that in the last week i've probably had an hour of contact with anybody besides for him.  and i've initiated much of it.  which......i've told myself i should quit doing.  but my heart cries out to be included.  so, i keep messing it up and asking.  i need to let go.  to take what is actually offered and quit hoping for more.  quit hoping for what was.
when will i quit crying?  even though i'm so happy about so much.  learning so much.  still.  this hurts.  a lot.
take a breath.
move on.
don't take it personally.  i keep telling myself that. it's not working so well.  but...i'll keep on  until it does.  i have a hopeless sense, but i am not without hope.  i just don't want to let go yet.  i'm not ready.  it hurts too much.  so.....as much as the wishing and holding on hurts, for now, it's all i can deal with.
i long for words.  friend words.  i long for real.  i long.  to be missed.
so, there's grief.  and that's normal.  but that doesn't make it easy.
ok.  back to living.
yes, alone. no, nobody cares what i'm doing or not doing.
just me.  here.  wishing that sometimes i'd get the "hey, i've been missing how we used to talk.....".
yeah. i know.  pathetic.  i get to miss it while everybody else moves on.
blah.
i'm shaken.
but i'll keep loving.  keep feeling.  i refuse to close down.  to deny feeling.  done that.  been there.  i'd rather hurt than do that.  and....i do love.  dearly and truly.
even when letting go.
i want to be a blessing.

angel in the trees

i went out to take my dogs out one last time.  it's at least 15 times a day.  seriously.  there was still a bit of twilight in the sky.  and the trees across the road leaned together to form an angel....big wings.  it was beautiful.  and somehow comforting.
silly.
oh, and no, i hadn't had the wine yet.

keep realizing

for a moment, i think, "i was wrong, i'm part of the group."  but it always comes back to the fact that i'm not.  chatted for a bit online with someone that knew me as a kid.  she says that she feels the same way.  has to do the calling.  the texting.  the asking.  the including.  the giving.  not that people aren't polite.  it's just......not the same.  it was nice to hear her say.  because she is normal.  and nice.  and healthy.  and spiritually sound.
but i am finding that staying here.  being here.  in this same town that i've spent nearly 20 years.  it's troubling.
the people i know interact.  and i'm not invited.  not that i'm uninvited.  but, to go to things, i have to horn in.  not so cool.  and i will not.  so.  it's time, i know.  to let the realization sink in.  to quit hoping.  but i am nothing if not a hoper.  huge hoper.  against all odds hoper.  i always think that it will be different.  but i know that it's not.  in my head.  i'm not dumb.  i'm just frail.  wishing.  childishly.
as my far away chatter said today, "it would be nice to have someone who thinks you're special."  yep.  she got it.  spot on.  because she knows how it feels.
i cry.  it's the norm these months.  but it doesn't do any good.
i try to make the best of being alone.  to be upbeat and positive.
but i ache. i long.  i hurt.  i am sad.
because i gave all that i had.  and i'm alone.  in the deep ways.
i've got to get past it, i know.  but i'm like a stupid little puppy.  anything good happens and i am all, "oh, i must have been wrong."  but mostly i feel like i get leftovers.  like everyone i knew is done with me and is trying to politely push me onward so that they can get on with it. they are over me.
but i wasn't done.  i wanted a chance.  and i hate the fact that i spent so long in the crap that i come out and have nada.  but i won't play games.  i'll just be as truthful as i can with myself.
and i'll do my best to let go with grace.  and not be rude.  nor ask why.
but i wonder why.  i wonder how it is that i gave and invited and helped and cherished and treasured and loved and was there at any time and yet........oh well.  i have to just let the tears slide down.  the sobs come.  they will increase.  they will subside.  they will come again when the realization hits again like a knife stabbing into my heart.  but it's nothing i can change.  just what it is.
it's not pity i need.  just this place to be real.  to wonder if others have felt this pain of separation.  it's greater than my divorce.  it's having nobody.  ok, my kids.  but that is way different.
ok, breath.  in. out.
another.
try for another.
get up.
live.
through the hurt.

tightrope

i spent what felt like a lifetime walking on a tightrope.  no net.  nothing to catch me.  step after step.  endless. no platform in sight.  thankfully, i was good at balancing.  held my arms out.  held onto those i held dear.  carried us.  myself.  my children.  praying every step.  praying.  hoping.  wishing.  dreaming.  my toes got used to the feel of the wire under my feet.  nobody noticed my precarious position.  and so, they would pile other things on to carry.  i would shift about and adjust and keep walking.  until hour after hour and day after day turned into year after year and decade after decade.  praying to be strong.  to hold on.  to be the woman who could trust god and make it work.  after all, it was my christian duty.  the call of the proverbs 31 woman.  it was to be my joy to serve.  and i pursued that.  relentlessly.  to serve.  to give wholeheartedly, as unto the lord.  to be joyful.  to give encouragement.  to be hospitable.  to have a quiet time.  to teach my children the way to god.  to be an example.  to not grow weary in doing good.  i knew the word.  it was etched on my heart.  and i knew god to the best of my ability as a frail human being.
eventually, tremors began pulsing through the tightrope.  it became undependable.  i had to concentrate more and more on simply staying on it.  prayed more.  cried out.  the tremors increased.  i begged to be raised up on wings like the eagles.  to walk and not grow weary.  desperate.  struggling.  knowing that i was indeed failing.  failing.  failing. i was going to let everyone down.  but what could i put down so that i could maintain balance a little longer?  how could i?  i was the strength.  i carried things.  i was the happy.  i was the cheerleader.  i was the hope.  if i stopped.  so much would be lost. so many would be hurt.  the loss would be incalculable.  so.    i.   stepped.    and.    stepped.    again.     and.   again.   and.    again.
and then
i fell.
gasp.
shock.
everything out of my grasp.
everyone.
but.
then.
i began to feel something new.
i wasn't plummeting down.
i wasn't precariously balanced.
i wasn't afraid.
i was soaring.
and looking around
i saw the others
gaining their wings too
and i realized
that the tremors
were from god himself
getting me off of the tightrope
inviting me
calling me
pushing me
to soar
with wings like eagles
and to let others do the same
to let him take care of it all
to realize that he always had been
and that i need not be enslaved by a little wire.
by those who were there to see the performance.
all i needed to do
was to fly
to him.
and i've not been the same
since the biggest fear of my life occurred
and i fell off of the tightrope
as a matter of fact
i'm better.
he answered my prayer.
he let me fall off of the tightrope.
blessings.