keep realizing

for a moment, i think, "i was wrong, i'm part of the group."  but it always comes back to the fact that i'm not.  chatted for a bit online with someone that knew me as a kid.  she says that she feels the same way.  has to do the calling.  the texting.  the asking.  the including.  the giving.  not that people aren't polite.  it's just......not the same.  it was nice to hear her say.  because she is normal.  and nice.  and healthy.  and spiritually sound.
but i am finding that staying here.  being here.  in this same town that i've spent nearly 20 years.  it's troubling.
the people i know interact.  and i'm not invited.  not that i'm uninvited.  but, to go to things, i have to horn in.  not so cool.  and i will not.  so.  it's time, i know.  to let the realization sink in.  to quit hoping.  but i am nothing if not a hoper.  huge hoper.  against all odds hoper.  i always think that it will be different.  but i know that it's not.  in my head.  i'm not dumb.  i'm just frail.  wishing.  childishly.
as my far away chatter said today, "it would be nice to have someone who thinks you're special."  yep.  she got it.  spot on.  because she knows how it feels.
i cry.  it's the norm these months.  but it doesn't do any good.
i try to make the best of being alone.  to be upbeat and positive.
but i ache. i long.  i hurt.  i am sad.
because i gave all that i had.  and i'm alone.  in the deep ways.
i've got to get past it, i know.  but i'm like a stupid little puppy.  anything good happens and i am all, "oh, i must have been wrong."  but mostly i feel like i get leftovers.  like everyone i knew is done with me and is trying to politely push me onward so that they can get on with it. they are over me.
but i wasn't done.  i wanted a chance.  and i hate the fact that i spent so long in the crap that i come out and have nada.  but i won't play games.  i'll just be as truthful as i can with myself.
and i'll do my best to let go with grace.  and not be rude.  nor ask why.
but i wonder why.  i wonder how it is that i gave and invited and helped and cherished and treasured and loved and was there at any time and yet........oh well.  i have to just let the tears slide down.  the sobs come.  they will increase.  they will subside.  they will come again when the realization hits again like a knife stabbing into my heart.  but it's nothing i can change.  just what it is.
it's not pity i need.  just this place to be real.  to wonder if others have felt this pain of separation.  it's greater than my divorce.  it's having nobody.  ok, my kids.  but that is way different.
ok, breath.  in. out.
another.
try for another.
get up.
live.
through the hurt.