fearless

i hung a sign.  it's over my bed.  reminding me of how god is above me.  around me.  below me.  before me.  behind me.  completely surrounded.  by him.  the sign says "fearless" and goes on to say "i want to live with a fearless heart, courage that comes from trusting God."  this is my fearless year.  my one word of the year.  the year is more than half over and i was thinking that i should evaluate.  not decimate my failures, but take stock of how i'm doing.
on many fronts, i am really doing well.  i am going forward with really difficult things in my home.  it's hard to go through all of the memory stuff.  it stirs up memories that others wouldn't have touching the stuff, looking at the pics.  remembering the discomfort, the stress, the heartache, the striving.  it's like living through it in fast motion all over again.  and i have done it anyway.  it's huge.
and i jack hammered.
and i have fixed things.
and i have helped two boys shop for cars.  me.  they asked ME.  wow.  both of them.
and i have grown pretty flowers.
and driven the riding mower.
and taken a nice vacation.
and i am going back to a job....even though it's all new again and that scares me a bit.
and i have figured out that church is going to have to change....and i am working through that process though i'm not done dealing with that yet.
and i am claiming my home.  as a haven.  a place of rest.
and i have faced hard things with some of my kids and said the tough stuff.
and i have graduated another kid.
and i have faced the hurt about friends from the past.
good stuff.  lots of it.
but there's still more to do.
i have a hard time telling my ex he's being a jerk.  like this selling of the van.  he left all of the work to me.  yet he gets the money.  i wish he'd offer it to the kids.  but.....i think maybe fearless in this situation could be letting it go.
i am struggling with not holding onto those who are needing to walk away.  or be shallow.  i know what i need to do, but i'm just not ready yet.  and though the holding on hurts too.....i'm giving myself the grace to take my time.
and i still live knowing that my family chose him.  and i have let it go.  but it has meant moving on rather alone.  means i need to surround myself with those who not simply agree with me.....i don't need them to agree, just love me.
still working through kid stuff.  hard to be their only real parent.  not a fun buddy.  balance.  encouraging.  being truthful.  fearlessly leading them to be and do who they are created to be.  to the One who made them.
overall, i am growing.  a lot.  though it's as if i've been in a whiney stage.  i've needed affirmation, and i don't know where to find it.  maybe i need to fearlessly ask for it? but if it's asked for it seems contrived.  there's a struggle.
learning.  moving forward.  dreaming.  planning.  hoping.
i don't have it all down, but i am better than i would be if i didn't try to live fearlessly.  i might not always make it, but now i see that being aware of it makes me get closer to it than if i never even thought about being fearless.  it's a good measuring stick.  it helps me see if i'm being full of faith and hope.
blessings.