Yesterday, the woman who was teaching us about how to co-parent was very....wise. She taught more about how to learn again to be you. How to learn how to function. How to grieve. How to get yourself to a new place. A safe place. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. She understood about prayer and the spiritual journey as well. I am thankful for the class I ended up in. It was just where I needed to be.
The thing is that he is not really about co-parenting. He just needs to learn how to be their dad. In his own way. To have his own relationship. And though he doesn't view this as kind or loving, it is a gift that I am attempting to give him. Before it's too late. The gift of actually being a father. Not just by birth, but to be esteemed as a father.
And she spoke of the grief process yesterday. And suddenly things were clearer for me. I have been grieving for years. Moving through the steps. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The stages are rather fluid for me...and I can find myself right back in the process at any stage just because something triggers it. But, overall, I have come to a point of acceptance. A place of understanding that what I hoped for, wanted to be, tried to have.....isn't a reality. Of seeing that sometimes someone else is doing the best that he can with what he has to work with but that he can still be really hurtful. And it's not his job to be sure that I'm in a safe place getting my needs met.....it's mine. So, in accepting has come responsibility. My responsibility. To change. To move on. To quit staying on the merry go round and acting like it's someone else's fault.
But I also realized afresh that while I have been grieving for so long....he is still relatively new to it. He is just beginning to face the hard things. To understand that life is going to change. That things weren't ok. That they aren't ok. And that it's time to own it. Admit it. And do what he needs to do to be the best dad possible.
I heard people talk yesterday about their situations. Some were very amicable. Some very volatile. But pain was a part of every single one. One man's wife had just remarried. And he is shaken. Afraid that he will be replaced. How painful. Whether you are a good parent or even a mediocre parent. When you love your kids, you don't want to be replaced.
But the thing I learned the most is that now is the time to go ahead and let go. Let him live his life as he chooses. With his own fears and strengths. Own decisions. Make a safe place for the kids. A safe place to talk. To know they are loved. And let him be responsible for what he does with that at his place. Because letting go reduces conflict. And conflict is what harms kids. Having two homes can be fine. If we make it fine. If we are loving to them. If they are not pawns. And we can be good examples.
The other thing I learned....second marriages are twice as likely to end in divorce as first marriages! Stunning to me. But, she taught about that too. What people can do. What they SHOULD do. To not repeat a pattern. She talked about self reflection and how we learn about our inside selves when we live experiences outside. And that we need to look at what we are doing on the outside so that we understand more fully the inside. That's me. :) It made me feel validated. Understood. Though she didn't know me. We didn't talk. She is in a position of authority and she got what I have felt. The journey that I have been on the last several years.
If I were to stay here, I would stay in the grief process. But the anger stage would continue to increase. It's time to accept it for real. To grow up and put on my big girl panties and figure out how I should be living. Because this isn't it. And while that makes me sad, it also feels good to finally understand it. It makes me feel less crazy.
grace.
The thing is that he is not really about co-parenting. He just needs to learn how to be their dad. In his own way. To have his own relationship. And though he doesn't view this as kind or loving, it is a gift that I am attempting to give him. Before it's too late. The gift of actually being a father. Not just by birth, but to be esteemed as a father.
And she spoke of the grief process yesterday. And suddenly things were clearer for me. I have been grieving for years. Moving through the steps. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The stages are rather fluid for me...and I can find myself right back in the process at any stage just because something triggers it. But, overall, I have come to a point of acceptance. A place of understanding that what I hoped for, wanted to be, tried to have.....isn't a reality. Of seeing that sometimes someone else is doing the best that he can with what he has to work with but that he can still be really hurtful. And it's not his job to be sure that I'm in a safe place getting my needs met.....it's mine. So, in accepting has come responsibility. My responsibility. To change. To move on. To quit staying on the merry go round and acting like it's someone else's fault.
But I also realized afresh that while I have been grieving for so long....he is still relatively new to it. He is just beginning to face the hard things. To understand that life is going to change. That things weren't ok. That they aren't ok. And that it's time to own it. Admit it. And do what he needs to do to be the best dad possible.
I heard people talk yesterday about their situations. Some were very amicable. Some very volatile. But pain was a part of every single one. One man's wife had just remarried. And he is shaken. Afraid that he will be replaced. How painful. Whether you are a good parent or even a mediocre parent. When you love your kids, you don't want to be replaced.
But the thing I learned the most is that now is the time to go ahead and let go. Let him live his life as he chooses. With his own fears and strengths. Own decisions. Make a safe place for the kids. A safe place to talk. To know they are loved. And let him be responsible for what he does with that at his place. Because letting go reduces conflict. And conflict is what harms kids. Having two homes can be fine. If we make it fine. If we are loving to them. If they are not pawns. And we can be good examples.
The other thing I learned....second marriages are twice as likely to end in divorce as first marriages! Stunning to me. But, she taught about that too. What people can do. What they SHOULD do. To not repeat a pattern. She talked about self reflection and how we learn about our inside selves when we live experiences outside. And that we need to look at what we are doing on the outside so that we understand more fully the inside. That's me. :) It made me feel validated. Understood. Though she didn't know me. We didn't talk. She is in a position of authority and she got what I have felt. The journey that I have been on the last several years.
If I were to stay here, I would stay in the grief process. But the anger stage would continue to increase. It's time to accept it for real. To grow up and put on my big girl panties and figure out how I should be living. Because this isn't it. And while that makes me sad, it also feels good to finally understand it. It makes me feel less crazy.
grace.
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