Writing vs. Talking

I write here about anything and everything.  It helps me to get rid of the garbage.  But it doesn't build relationships.  It doesn't help me to learn to share with those who care about me.
Tonight I am a mess.  I am shakier than usual.  Tummy hurts.  Horrible feeling.  Clenching teeth.  Troubled.  He has hurt me much more than anyone else ever has.  The ways boggle my mind.  Mess with it.
I want to be past this.  I want to actually live.  But it's like he just keeps trying to suck me into his thing.  Wants me to pray for him to get this place he applied for today.  And I want to say....I am pleading in prayer for you to get a place.  Nobody wants for you to get it more than me.  You can live in a car.  A trailer.  A tent.  I just wish you would do it.  Because this time of waiting is killing me.
And he's on his way home right now.  And I can barely take a breath.  Literally.  I go to sleep and wake up trying to avoid him.  But I don't really go to sleep because he scares me.  How he watches me.  Tries to pull me in.  Maybe he thinks he's being nice.  But how many times can I say that I need space that I need to get over how he has hurt me.
Shit.  Here he is.  All I can think is NOOOOOOOO.