Kids had friends for an overnight. Awkward for me in sleeping arrangements, but it's not like I'm going to say no. Husband has to go to church early for worship choir. Lights have been on early. Everyone was up late. I'm still sick. I still have no place to be.
I don't get that time to wake up. To open my eyes and just rest and get awake. I am watched. My husband sits at a place at the kitchen counter where he can look straight at me. It is....hard.
It's like everyone says that I just need to say what I need. But I don't see how that matters. Because he won't do it. He waited for me to say goodbye this morning....at the front door....also in eye shot of my couch.
I keep thinking that I am getting closer to having what I need. Yet, no matter how strong I get or how much I say what I need, how is it that nothing changes? The months go by. Months of my life. And he acts like he should be able to do whatever he wants to. He goes to church. He sings in choir. He plays basketball. Teaches sunday school. All good things. Things I have no desire to take away or ask for him to give up. Yet, he refuses to do what I have begged for. This sense of hopelessness rises. I feel more and more invisible. It's as if my needs, my hurts, my very being have no effect on my own life.
So, the mornings are hard. The nights are horrible. The days when he's home traumatize me. I'm supposed to say good morning and good bye. I'm supposed to meet his needs. Still. Always.
And the thing is....part of who I am just likes being nice. I don't need more drama. I need this to be easier. But it's not. We go to the court on Tuesday to see if we are ready to see the judge. I have my co-parenting class on the weekend....on what would have been my grandma's birthday. She was born in and died in March.
He's in this proving stage. It's the competition. I don't want to compete. He has to prove all of the nice things he does. I'm not saying that he doesn't. He got our son a burger yesterday. For going to the dump. A son that didn't want to go. But who was kind. He doesn't make a big deal out of how nice it was of the son. He makes a big deal out of how nice he was to get him a burger. But the son was kind. Gave up another Saturday. Did what his dad wanted. I feel badly. Like he is replacing what he used me for with the son.....manipulating him to make him feel good about himself. The problem is that you can't ever do or say enough. He just sucks it all up and then acts like you don't make him feel good enough.
And now....I probably can't go to church again. I'm sick and weak. But, also...it's hard when he's in choir.
Because it's hard to focus on worship. I have to really concentrate. Not sure I can do it.
Wonder if he'll be gone today. He said he'd give me Sundays. Or....what I figure will happen is that he will ask if he can stay and make me have to say no again. Because he knows it's hard for me to tell him no with the kids around. He already knows what I need.
I'm worn out. grace.
I don't get that time to wake up. To open my eyes and just rest and get awake. I am watched. My husband sits at a place at the kitchen counter where he can look straight at me. It is....hard.
It's like everyone says that I just need to say what I need. But I don't see how that matters. Because he won't do it. He waited for me to say goodbye this morning....at the front door....also in eye shot of my couch.
I keep thinking that I am getting closer to having what I need. Yet, no matter how strong I get or how much I say what I need, how is it that nothing changes? The months go by. Months of my life. And he acts like he should be able to do whatever he wants to. He goes to church. He sings in choir. He plays basketball. Teaches sunday school. All good things. Things I have no desire to take away or ask for him to give up. Yet, he refuses to do what I have begged for. This sense of hopelessness rises. I feel more and more invisible. It's as if my needs, my hurts, my very being have no effect on my own life.
So, the mornings are hard. The nights are horrible. The days when he's home traumatize me. I'm supposed to say good morning and good bye. I'm supposed to meet his needs. Still. Always.
And the thing is....part of who I am just likes being nice. I don't need more drama. I need this to be easier. But it's not. We go to the court on Tuesday to see if we are ready to see the judge. I have my co-parenting class on the weekend....on what would have been my grandma's birthday. She was born in and died in March.
He's in this proving stage. It's the competition. I don't want to compete. He has to prove all of the nice things he does. I'm not saying that he doesn't. He got our son a burger yesterday. For going to the dump. A son that didn't want to go. But who was kind. He doesn't make a big deal out of how nice it was of the son. He makes a big deal out of how nice he was to get him a burger. But the son was kind. Gave up another Saturday. Did what his dad wanted. I feel badly. Like he is replacing what he used me for with the son.....manipulating him to make him feel good about himself. The problem is that you can't ever do or say enough. He just sucks it all up and then acts like you don't make him feel good enough.
And now....I probably can't go to church again. I'm sick and weak. But, also...it's hard when he's in choir.
Because it's hard to focus on worship. I have to really concentrate. Not sure I can do it.
Wonder if he'll be gone today. He said he'd give me Sundays. Or....what I figure will happen is that he will ask if he can stay and make me have to say no again. Because he knows it's hard for me to tell him no with the kids around. He already knows what I need.
I'm worn out. grace.
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