Making Right

You know that our lives, our choices, our decisions, our mistakes, our intentions....all of who we are affect others.  And what I have been choosing and doing is affecting others.  It's not an addiction nor a rebellion.  It really is so that I can survive.  But still, there is a part of me that knows that somehow I have to make right this sense that I have allowed myself to take too much and give too little.  Of all things that I do not want to choose at this juncture of my life, it's selfishness.  Though my husband feels like my choosing myself instead of him is selfish.  Well....it's different.  It is the need of breaking a pattern.  Of stopping an abuse.
An abuse which continues today.  He ate here.  Asked me if we were all eating together.  Nope.  I had eaten earlier.  My daughter ate as soon as she walked in.  He never makes a meal and sits down with the kids.  I would have today, but I decided not to allow him to do what he has been doing for so long...going back on his word.  He said that I could have Sundays and that he wouldn't expect me to cook for him.  Sure.
Anyway.  I am so heartbroken.  Because I know that people need him and want him around.  Shoot, most of them probably need him more than they need me.  He's pretty handy.  And I have to let all who want to choose him, his company, his help, him....to do so.  Freely.  Without guilt.  Without trouble.  Without having to deal with my hurt.  And it IS hurt.  But though I have to allow it, I do NOT have to pretend that I am not hurting....I just have to find the correct venue for sharing those things.  For putting out there my hurt without hurting someone else.  It's not going to be easy for me.  I am not quick to open up to just everyone.  But it is going to be possible.  I have to make it possible.  Because I know who I want to be.  I know the kind of person I want to be.
Easy?  No.  Not at all.  I cry.  I hurt.  I am troubled by it.  But...it is what it is.  I  need to get on with it.
grace.