Chosen

I remember those days as a kid.  Those days that teams were chosen.  Or partners in class.  I remember best friends on the block.  From a very early age, it's important to feel "chosen".  Nothing hurts worse to a kid than the words, "you're not my best friend, (         ) is my best friend!"  or "you're not invited to my birthday party!"  It stings.  It stays in the memory.  And actually, even when you are an adult, it doesn't feel any better to hear the words....though they will be cleaned up to sound better.  "We've decided to go in a different direction", or "we are looking for someone who.....".
Yet, still, we all go on.  Looking for best fits, best friends.  Looking for where we will be chosen and fit.
This very thing is what makes my heart ache now.  Not because I have a deep need for this.  But because now I question my ability to see if it's real or not.  Now it's as if I question each relationship carefully, making sure that I haven't made a mistake in thinking that I was important.
All because I feel foolish.  I chose.  He chose.  But really, he didn't choose me.  He didn't choose to love the person that I am.  So, since I am only me.....it makes me wonder about others too.  But then, this wonderful thing has been happening.  I choose me.  I love me.  And if all of the others decide that they need something different or someone else...that's ok.  It has to be ok.  Because God made me.  He made me with intention.  He made me for a purpose...or many purposes.  And though being "chosen" by others feels good, there's this part of me that knows that it's only good if they are really choosing me and not a version of me that they would like to create.  My best friends bring out the best in me.  They celebrate my uniqueness.  Others would like me more if.......you name it, I've heard many.  But the thing that I will take away from my marriage will be to keep and nurture and love this woman that I truly am.  Even if it costs.  Because she's tough enough to take it when she is taken care of.
And I love my friends.  And my kids.  And many people who walk into my life.  And I'm willing to give and love and sacrifice.  But never again will I allow that sacrifice to be who I am.  That's not mine to give.  That's God's gift.  That's His thing that He's using in this world.  Even with those who wish I were different.  Trust me...I've wished the same thing many times.  But when it comes down to it, I need this woman.  She is strong.  And funny.  And thoughtful.  She is a thinker.  And a creator.  And a hoper.  A huge hoper.  She believes in good.  And in love.  She encourages.  I NEED her. ;)
blessings.