Metacognition

Big word? Right?  I learned about it when I was going to school to become a teacher.  Learned about learning.  Knowing what I know.  And what I don't know.  I also learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  I didn't put as much emphasis on it as I should have.....but now, I understand.

You see, not too long ago, I realized how far I had gone down.  How few of my needs were important.  The day it struck me the deepest was after using the bathroom and experiencing that "it's so satisfying to just be able to use a bathroom" feeling.  It's a simple need.  Extremely basic.  Perhaps one of the most basic.  And I was rather shocked at how satisfying such a simple thing was.  Really, it was a bit of a red flag.  I was really back in life to focusing on the most basic needs.
And as time went by, and I looked at my life, I looked at how much energy I was putting into safety and health.  Interesting.  And though I have friends and family, that love and belonging level was rocking because of my putting so much emphasis on my husband's lack of compassion, kindness and love.  Result:  very little self esteem and no movement toward the things that really make up who I am.  How sad that was.
Now, I am not a psychological hound.  I just believe in what I see to be true.  What God shows me to be true.  And even Jesus talked about how we shouldn't bother to give a hungry person a blessing....but FOOD. We have to meet people's needs where they are.  Wherever their most basic needs are.  I need to do the same for myself.  And I have been.
Whenever I feel sorry for my husband and want to fix it, I come back to remembering how far down I went from where I was.  Not to remain angry or to be unkind.  But in order to be wise.  In order to not repeat a cycle that I have repeated for far too long.  I need to take care of my needs.  I need God to take care of my needs.  I need to be  allowed to live in a place where I am allowed to have needs.
grace.