Did I mention earlier that aunt number 2 is a missionary? She and I used to be rather close. That was back when she was on the outs with her sister who had had an affair, divorced her husband, married yet another man...who was, of course, abusive. But then, over time, aunt number 1 settled down from her wild ways and the two grew close again...as it should be with sisters.
So, aunt number 1 DID (as I predicted) tell aunt number 2 about my impending separation. Aunt 2 wrote me an inbox commenting on how exactly on this date one year ago I had messaged her. She is in Japan. Yes, where the earthquakes were and are. So, what she fails to realize is that she never answered my messages. Yet, she messaged me today to tell me how they love us two way too much to not be involved in this. Really? A YEAR has gone by. All I hear from her is if I read her blog about the earthquakes and ministry in Japan. Really? She came to the states and was in my state and never even called....I saw photos online! Loves me? Probably. But right now, I told her that I don't need advice or condemnation, that compassion or kindness would be accepted. She asked me WWGD....what would grandpa do? Great. Thanks for laying on the guilt. But, good news, I've already been through that!! So, I told her: he would support me and love me and help me to stand strong. My grandpa was NOT legalistic. He was compassionate. Practical.
So, well....I haven't heard back. She's probably telling my uncle. I'm sure that they will be praying. But I keep wondering this: why do people who have no interest in my life normally suddenly feel like they are allowed to have a say in it now? If they weren't someone that I could confide in over the years then why do they think that I will want to tell them my most private things now?
It doesn't help. It hurts. I screamed when I read it. It was so.....upsetting. Not unexpected. But, upsetting. I am so tired of being bullied into doing what everyone says God wants for me. Why do they all speak for God? Are the afraid that He won't speak to me Himself? Sorry, feeling a little defensive. I have lived so many years IN marriage trying and praying and asking to be humble and to be a better servant. I have begged Him to show me how to be the wife my husband needed. I was willing to do all of the changing. But I changed and changed and changed.......and became someone else. And got depressed. And ill. And couldn't function. And none of them noticed. They didn't see me. At all.
So why would I want them to speak into my life now? I want people who actually like me. Know me. Listen to me. Answer when I write them. Share with me. Interact. Pray for me regularly. Encourage me. And I them. Because those people know what has been lost. And they know what it would cost for me to stay where I am. And they see the anguish. The others? I'm not sure why they have to put in their advice. I guess so that they don't feel guilty.
Crazy hard day.
grace.
So, aunt number 1 DID (as I predicted) tell aunt number 2 about my impending separation. Aunt 2 wrote me an inbox commenting on how exactly on this date one year ago I had messaged her. She is in Japan. Yes, where the earthquakes were and are. So, what she fails to realize is that she never answered my messages. Yet, she messaged me today to tell me how they love us two way too much to not be involved in this. Really? A YEAR has gone by. All I hear from her is if I read her blog about the earthquakes and ministry in Japan. Really? She came to the states and was in my state and never even called....I saw photos online! Loves me? Probably. But right now, I told her that I don't need advice or condemnation, that compassion or kindness would be accepted. She asked me WWGD....what would grandpa do? Great. Thanks for laying on the guilt. But, good news, I've already been through that!! So, I told her: he would support me and love me and help me to stand strong. My grandpa was NOT legalistic. He was compassionate. Practical.
So, well....I haven't heard back. She's probably telling my uncle. I'm sure that they will be praying. But I keep wondering this: why do people who have no interest in my life normally suddenly feel like they are allowed to have a say in it now? If they weren't someone that I could confide in over the years then why do they think that I will want to tell them my most private things now?
It doesn't help. It hurts. I screamed when I read it. It was so.....upsetting. Not unexpected. But, upsetting. I am so tired of being bullied into doing what everyone says God wants for me. Why do they all speak for God? Are the afraid that He won't speak to me Himself? Sorry, feeling a little defensive. I have lived so many years IN marriage trying and praying and asking to be humble and to be a better servant. I have begged Him to show me how to be the wife my husband needed. I was willing to do all of the changing. But I changed and changed and changed.......and became someone else. And got depressed. And ill. And couldn't function. And none of them noticed. They didn't see me. At all.
So why would I want them to speak into my life now? I want people who actually like me. Know me. Listen to me. Answer when I write them. Share with me. Interact. Pray for me regularly. Encourage me. And I them. Because those people know what has been lost. And they know what it would cost for me to stay where I am. And they see the anguish. The others? I'm not sure why they have to put in their advice. I guess so that they don't feel guilty.
Crazy hard day.
grace.
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