I am feeling more hopeful. I am sad to say that I actually desperately look forward to my husband moving out. That seems.....shameful. But, I am working through that. Because I need to. I am in a new place in life where the reality of what needs to happen is overcoming the shameful feelings.
But, the hard thing is that it hurts people. A friend called me today and sobbed on the phone. Didn't sleep last night. Isn't sure how to pray for the two of us. She talked to her counselor about me....and how my "issues" are affecting her. That feels a little...awkward. But, whatever...right? She is sure that it is going to devastate her husband. She wants to know if I'm just separating or getting a divorce. She says that she'll remain the same with both of us. I was trying to comfort. And...I was trying to be as honest as possible. She's a really nice person. She's a good friend. I thought that she understood. And the hard part is when she didn't. I tried to talk through it. To explain my journey to this point. That I don't claim that it's the "right" choice or the best choice. But that for me, it is the best choice.
I hear how awful this is going to be. But it isn't something that I have entered into lightly. It is not something that I even understood for a very long time. But, now I do. And now I know that I can't continue a life like this has been. And I can't trust him. I don't trust him. So.....I have to make a decision. I can decide to stay and keep the peace and try to make it all smooth...but it was killing me. Or, I can decide that it's time to make a new choice.
She asked me if I was just doing this to shake him up to get him to change. That stung. That would simply be a game, I said. I told her every way I knew how that I was done. I have tried to explain how things have been....but without being rude to him.
I guess that I'm going to have to get used to hearing how much everyone cares about BOTH of us. Seems to be the theme of this time.
I think I'll move to........somewhere. But not yet. Gotta get these kids growed up. It's just too hard sometimes to know that he has family. I don't. He'll get support. I will get crucified by his family. Can't wait to hear what his mom tells my kids. I have friends, but the friends are "shared". So very very hard.
The conversation today was hard because of how she worded that friendship thing. I tried to explain how I understand that we share. That I wouldn't ever ask for a choice. But she was so busy telling me how she wouldn't choose......someday, in my life......I hope that I know people who absolutely choose me. Even when I've screwed up. Or am not popular. I had them before. I want them again. I have some from the past....I know how to have that kind of friendship.
Strangely, my resolve is firmer than ever. He needs to go. He needs to learn things. I need to learn things. I don't need to be mean. It's hard enough. But, I do need to be firm. Resolved.
He has a group praying. My friend said she doesn't know how to pray....like maybe she's supposed to pray for healing and restoration. I told her to pray as God led her. But I cringed. Sometimes, I just feel invisible. Still. And I'm tired of living that way.
It's a hard thing.
grace.
But, the hard thing is that it hurts people. A friend called me today and sobbed on the phone. Didn't sleep last night. Isn't sure how to pray for the two of us. She talked to her counselor about me....and how my "issues" are affecting her. That feels a little...awkward. But, whatever...right? She is sure that it is going to devastate her husband. She wants to know if I'm just separating or getting a divorce. She says that she'll remain the same with both of us. I was trying to comfort. And...I was trying to be as honest as possible. She's a really nice person. She's a good friend. I thought that she understood. And the hard part is when she didn't. I tried to talk through it. To explain my journey to this point. That I don't claim that it's the "right" choice or the best choice. But that for me, it is the best choice.
I hear how awful this is going to be. But it isn't something that I have entered into lightly. It is not something that I even understood for a very long time. But, now I do. And now I know that I can't continue a life like this has been. And I can't trust him. I don't trust him. So.....I have to make a decision. I can decide to stay and keep the peace and try to make it all smooth...but it was killing me. Or, I can decide that it's time to make a new choice.
She asked me if I was just doing this to shake him up to get him to change. That stung. That would simply be a game, I said. I told her every way I knew how that I was done. I have tried to explain how things have been....but without being rude to him.
I guess that I'm going to have to get used to hearing how much everyone cares about BOTH of us. Seems to be the theme of this time.
I think I'll move to........somewhere. But not yet. Gotta get these kids growed up. It's just too hard sometimes to know that he has family. I don't. He'll get support. I will get crucified by his family. Can't wait to hear what his mom tells my kids. I have friends, but the friends are "shared". So very very hard.
The conversation today was hard because of how she worded that friendship thing. I tried to explain how I understand that we share. That I wouldn't ever ask for a choice. But she was so busy telling me how she wouldn't choose......someday, in my life......I hope that I know people who absolutely choose me. Even when I've screwed up. Or am not popular. I had them before. I want them again. I have some from the past....I know how to have that kind of friendship.
Strangely, my resolve is firmer than ever. He needs to go. He needs to learn things. I need to learn things. I don't need to be mean. It's hard enough. But, I do need to be firm. Resolved.
He has a group praying. My friend said she doesn't know how to pray....like maybe she's supposed to pray for healing and restoration. I told her to pray as God led her. But I cringed. Sometimes, I just feel invisible. Still. And I'm tired of living that way.
It's a hard thing.
grace.
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