I do pretty well most of the time now. Well...ok, maybe not WELL, but at least passable. Not tonight. Something about getting emails. And that he put off moving for a week. And that makes it right by Easter. And wondering if he's talking to my friend. What he means by wanting to stay friends with them. And his email talks about what he needs for the place....which remains mysterious.....untold. But the things he needs...like I am supposed to get it together for him? I already made a list of all of the things he could take. Of course, he says he needs a nighstand....and would rather have a loveseat than the chairs. Things I asked to keep. They were few. But those are the things he mentions. He has never taken what is offered but always wants what isn't. Talk about stressed. He will move out the Saturday before I start working my second job on Monday. No time for us to get settled in.
And to top it off....I am shut down. Having trouble interacting because he's around. He did nothing to get our son here. Didn't even suggest the possibility. Didn't even give it a second thought. But acts all like he deserves the time and attention.
I'm awake. I want to just go to the car and.....that's the thing...and what? Drive the night away? I'm so tired. Yet so awake. Bad combo.
I had set myself to make it a week....now it's two. And somehow I am getting sucked into figuring out his "needs" for his space. Think I'll hit craigslist and the goodwill.
blaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I know this time will end. It just keeps dragging out. And I'm always hitting the next disappointment even when I have done and said the hard things. I don't get how it never helps.
My whole self feels shattered. He has wrecked me in ways I can't even begin to describe. And then he just walks around acting like it's all good and look what he's doing. If he cared...he'd have already have gone. He'd give me the space I have needed. He'll do it eventually because he has to. Court on Monday. But, somehow it holds less meaning when I've had to do so much to get him to do it.
I need comfort. I am alone. Kinda. It's not my kids' job. It's my job. Self soothing. But it's hard to find a way when I am so distressed with him here. The things I would normally do I can't. I even write waiting for him to walk in. To get his chocolate milk. Or whatever.
Gonna stop now. Nerve wracking. Of course, laying here in the dark isn't doing much for me either.
grace.
And to top it off....I am shut down. Having trouble interacting because he's around. He did nothing to get our son here. Didn't even suggest the possibility. Didn't even give it a second thought. But acts all like he deserves the time and attention.
I'm awake. I want to just go to the car and.....that's the thing...and what? Drive the night away? I'm so tired. Yet so awake. Bad combo.
I had set myself to make it a week....now it's two. And somehow I am getting sucked into figuring out his "needs" for his space. Think I'll hit craigslist and the goodwill.
blaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I know this time will end. It just keeps dragging out. And I'm always hitting the next disappointment even when I have done and said the hard things. I don't get how it never helps.
My whole self feels shattered. He has wrecked me in ways I can't even begin to describe. And then he just walks around acting like it's all good and look what he's doing. If he cared...he'd have already have gone. He'd give me the space I have needed. He'll do it eventually because he has to. Court on Monday. But, somehow it holds less meaning when I've had to do so much to get him to do it.
I need comfort. I am alone. Kinda. It's not my kids' job. It's my job. Self soothing. But it's hard to find a way when I am so distressed with him here. The things I would normally do I can't. I even write waiting for him to walk in. To get his chocolate milk. Or whatever.
Gonna stop now. Nerve wracking. Of course, laying here in the dark isn't doing much for me either.
grace.
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