You know, my husband has not been one to comfort me....he is rather a comfort seeker. So, you'd think that I'd be used to self comforting. And, over the years, I have gotten rather good at it. Problem being that as I begin to heal and get re-acquainted with the woman I really am.....while I am an introvert, I am relational.
I have only God to get comfort from these days. And, not that He's not enough..but today, I really was in need of a hug. My aunt hurt me. Unintentionally, I'm sure. Yet, still it was painful. And there is nowhere to go. Today I thought, "great, I'm going to HAVE to pay someone to hear me." That did make me laugh.
I should be used to it. But, as I come alive again, I am noticing that the places that I once had made numb are tender. And that makes things more difficult instead of less. I wish that it weren't so. And yet.....feeling the pain is a good thing. Alive. Feeling. Needing.
I won't give it up. But, I am hurting. I nearly lost it twice today when I tried reaching out to different people...but, I just can't seem to connect. And my best friend? She's great. Always will be. But, I have to not be in constant high needs mode. That does not make for a friendship.
And....in all honesty, I know that most of my friends might need to move on. Pull away. And I have to figure that out. It's not their job to be my family. To make up for deficits in my life. And I should be used to this. But every time, it sucker punches me.
How dare my aunt not comfort? How dare she just offer "from experience"? And how dare she think that it's ok to leave it like that? It hurt. Again. But...I had to tell her. And I'll have to tell others. And I'll have to figure out how to get through days like that.
How can it be that God who is perfect can still love me but that so many people avert their eyes and won't talk to me? Ha. That actually did make me laugh. Perhaps they are afraid that by associating with me, that God will like them less?
Yep. I should be used to it. But I will choose to not be used to it. I will choose to make better relationships. And I will choose to go ahead and tell the truth and let them figure out what to do for themselves. And when they hurt me....I'll just have to live with it. And not let them define how I feel about me.
grace to you.
I have only God to get comfort from these days. And, not that He's not enough..but today, I really was in need of a hug. My aunt hurt me. Unintentionally, I'm sure. Yet, still it was painful. And there is nowhere to go. Today I thought, "great, I'm going to HAVE to pay someone to hear me." That did make me laugh.
I should be used to it. But, as I come alive again, I am noticing that the places that I once had made numb are tender. And that makes things more difficult instead of less. I wish that it weren't so. And yet.....feeling the pain is a good thing. Alive. Feeling. Needing.
I won't give it up. But, I am hurting. I nearly lost it twice today when I tried reaching out to different people...but, I just can't seem to connect. And my best friend? She's great. Always will be. But, I have to not be in constant high needs mode. That does not make for a friendship.
And....in all honesty, I know that most of my friends might need to move on. Pull away. And I have to figure that out. It's not their job to be my family. To make up for deficits in my life. And I should be used to this. But every time, it sucker punches me.
How dare my aunt not comfort? How dare she just offer "from experience"? And how dare she think that it's ok to leave it like that? It hurt. Again. But...I had to tell her. And I'll have to tell others. And I'll have to figure out how to get through days like that.
How can it be that God who is perfect can still love me but that so many people avert their eyes and won't talk to me? Ha. That actually did make me laugh. Perhaps they are afraid that by associating with me, that God will like them less?
Yep. I should be used to it. But I will choose to not be used to it. I will choose to make better relationships. And I will choose to go ahead and tell the truth and let them figure out what to do for themselves. And when they hurt me....I'll just have to live with it. And not let them define how I feel about me.
grace to you.
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