I'm tired. I mean, really tired. Haven't slept very long at night. Today was a good day, but filled. I was vegging in front of a show when my husband came in and sat down. Wanted to know if I wanted to be around when he told the kids. Wanted to know when. It was hard. Because he behaves so differently than in public. He acts like "why are you doing this to me?" And when I asked if he had a place for the kids, he said, "no, I haven't ever had to do this before." It was weird. He has the lower floor of a tri-level. Living with a widow who is a nanny. Kids can come visit. That's nice. But it's not parenting as I wish he could. But, hey, it's something. And I am learning...people do the best they can with what they have and what they are.
Separating is good. How that can be, I don't really get. But it's kind of like giving kids a time out. Sometimes there is simply no hearing, no changing, no growing when someone continually gets what they want. So.....I don't mean this as unkind. It's time. It's necessary. It's not a threat or a punishment. It's just a fact. Being stuck in the same unhealthy rut is not a way to live a life. I feel sad for him. And goodness knows, he plays on that. He knows that I have a soft heart. But, I wonder if he knows how much I must really mean this to not be swayed by the way he works it when it's just me. I wonder if he even has heard how deeply wounded I had to be to get here.
You know, he said that he has lusted and has been tempted...and sometimes I wonder what that means. What it looks like for a guy. I know that there was a time that I thought that he was having an affair and he wouldn't answer. Only asked, "why would you think that?" And I know that some things intimately changed....differed so much that I felt awkward. Like he had different expectations and that I had missed something somewhere. But you know, that kind of thing is outside...what has hurt me is how he treats who I am. What I think about. Who I want to be. My dreams. I simply don't exist for him outside of him. And even as hard as all of this is...it is still the same. I exist in his world only as it affects him.
And it saddens me. Because what he wants back isn't something I ever want back. It harmed me so deeply. It stole my sense of value. I struggle day to day with it now. I question so much that maybe I should be able to take forgranted. I'll figure it out. But I have to get better. It's necessary. I won't even be able to have friends how I am now. I am a mess. I don't look forward to the hard parts, but I know that it's necessary. Can't go forward or get better without getting through.
And I will have to watch others be nice to him. Meet his needs. And sometimes I (and this is hard to say) don't want them to. I want to tell him that they choose me. I know....it's wrong. It's just what I feel. Not what I act on. But when we are out places, it feels creepy because the behavior is so very different. Moreso than ever before. And I have to just let it be. That's his life. His thing to deal with. And the choices of other people are their choices. I HAVE to let it go.
I am learning. It's coming. I feel it. Letting go. Choosing to just let things be as they will be. It's hard because people say that you should ask for what you need. But when you "share" friends....that's not really possible.
I do have to say....at least this year I won't have him here for my birthday. I have dreaded my birthdays since I've been married. I used to like them. I want to like them again. I do remember those days. I do remember my dear friends who have loved me and been there on those days. Way back when. Who actually celebrated me. Who bothered to know me. Who actually see how hurt I've been and what it has done to my confidence. Me...the fearless one. Crazy to have gotten to where I am.
I allowed it. I didn't plan it. I didn't deserve it. But I didn't stop it. I talked. I told him. I asked. I pleaded. I gave examples. But when things didn't work....I kept going back to how it was. Until now. And that is what floors him. And me. But I know that if I didn't, I'd be done being me.
So...never easy. But I'm always carried. So, I'll make it.
grace to you.
Separating is good. How that can be, I don't really get. But it's kind of like giving kids a time out. Sometimes there is simply no hearing, no changing, no growing when someone continually gets what they want. So.....I don't mean this as unkind. It's time. It's necessary. It's not a threat or a punishment. It's just a fact. Being stuck in the same unhealthy rut is not a way to live a life. I feel sad for him. And goodness knows, he plays on that. He knows that I have a soft heart. But, I wonder if he knows how much I must really mean this to not be swayed by the way he works it when it's just me. I wonder if he even has heard how deeply wounded I had to be to get here.
You know, he said that he has lusted and has been tempted...and sometimes I wonder what that means. What it looks like for a guy. I know that there was a time that I thought that he was having an affair and he wouldn't answer. Only asked, "why would you think that?" And I know that some things intimately changed....differed so much that I felt awkward. Like he had different expectations and that I had missed something somewhere. But you know, that kind of thing is outside...what has hurt me is how he treats who I am. What I think about. Who I want to be. My dreams. I simply don't exist for him outside of him. And even as hard as all of this is...it is still the same. I exist in his world only as it affects him.
And it saddens me. Because what he wants back isn't something I ever want back. It harmed me so deeply. It stole my sense of value. I struggle day to day with it now. I question so much that maybe I should be able to take forgranted. I'll figure it out. But I have to get better. It's necessary. I won't even be able to have friends how I am now. I am a mess. I don't look forward to the hard parts, but I know that it's necessary. Can't go forward or get better without getting through.
And I will have to watch others be nice to him. Meet his needs. And sometimes I (and this is hard to say) don't want them to. I want to tell him that they choose me. I know....it's wrong. It's just what I feel. Not what I act on. But when we are out places, it feels creepy because the behavior is so very different. Moreso than ever before. And I have to just let it be. That's his life. His thing to deal with. And the choices of other people are their choices. I HAVE to let it go.
I am learning. It's coming. I feel it. Letting go. Choosing to just let things be as they will be. It's hard because people say that you should ask for what you need. But when you "share" friends....that's not really possible.
I do have to say....at least this year I won't have him here for my birthday. I have dreaded my birthdays since I've been married. I used to like them. I want to like them again. I do remember those days. I do remember my dear friends who have loved me and been there on those days. Way back when. Who actually celebrated me. Who bothered to know me. Who actually see how hurt I've been and what it has done to my confidence. Me...the fearless one. Crazy to have gotten to where I am.
I allowed it. I didn't plan it. I didn't deserve it. But I didn't stop it. I talked. I told him. I asked. I pleaded. I gave examples. But when things didn't work....I kept going back to how it was. Until now. And that is what floors him. And me. But I know that if I didn't, I'd be done being me.
So...never easy. But I'm always carried. So, I'll make it.
grace to you.
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