Commitment

com·mit  (k-mt)

v. com·mit·ted, com·mit·ting, com·mits

v.tr.

1. To do, perform, or perpetrate: commit a murder.

2. To put in trust or charge; entrust: commit oneself to the care of a doctor; commit responsibilities to an assistant.

3. To place officially in confinement or custody, as in a mental health facility.

4. To consign for future use or reference or for preservation: commit the secret code to memory.

5. To put into a place to be kept safe or to be disposed of.

6.

a. To make known the views of (oneself) on an issue: I never commit myself on such issues.

b. To bind or obligate, as by a pledge: They were committed to follow orders.

7. To refer (a legislative bill, for example) to a committee.

v.intr.

To pledge or obligate one's own self: felt that he was too young to commit fully to marriage.

I was looking for images of commitment.  There were a myriad of choices.  About political candidates.  Marriage.  Gay marriage.  Health goals.  Personal goals.  The whole idea was to stay committed.  And i have wrestled with this concept deeply.  Because by nature, I am committed.  Not in a militaristic fashion, but rather deeply, somewhere in my heart and soul.  And this commitment idea...or ideal....is what my husband says that I breaking.  I made a promise.  

I am not going back on my promise.  I am moving forward in it.  To love, I am learning, does not mean to allow someone to behave badly.  Sometimes it means doing what it takes to bring healing.  To allow the hurt and abuse to stop.  And honoring someone means honoring what they will be....and what they are.  To give everything without having your own needs recognized is foolish.  Though I lived that way for many years.  I have read and prayed and realized that that is not what God intended for my life.  He does intend joy.  He does intend growth.  He does have purpose.  And if I stay in a place willingly where I know that it is not possible to honor God....then, that is on me.  I have used being committed to marriage as an excuse for not being and doing what God intends.  Not a good plan.  

I am not committed to marriage.  I am committed to the promise that I made.  To honor.  To love.  And I am doing the best I can to make that possible.  Because right now, I am on a road to resentment.  I live in fear.  I live in disgust.  I live in hurt.  I live invisible.  And though I am not the one that made THAT choice.  I did not choose how he would behave.  I am the one responsible to be sure that I honor how I am supposed to live.  

But most seem to see it as giving up.  I see it as a great amount of courage.  Because it is difficult to change things.  It is hard work to make something new.  To choose something good.  It's easier to blame.  To live miserable and act the part of a martyr.  That's not the life for me.  Peace.  Joy.  Love.  Compassion.  Mercy.  Gentleness.  These are the things that I must pursue.  Leaving behind the anger, resentment and bitterness.  But that's the thing....I have to leave them.  And sadly, I have given so many years trying to live in the peace and joy while balancing the constant hurt and disappointment and fear....and I realize now that it is causing the bad feelings to build up.

Can he change?  Certainly.  But I can't be responsible for his change.  I can't even be the reason.  God needs to be his reason for how to live.  And I need to get out of God's way.

Yes, I'm committed.  Deeply committed.  To family.  To God.  To this gift of life.  But my commitment seems to disappoint people.  So, I don't try to explain it anymore.  They may think as they will.  That is their choice.

grace to you.