Releasing. Saying Goodbye.

I went to church today for the worship time.  As weak as I am, it was hard.  Yet, there were a couple of young people playing in orchestra and a young woman who sang in choir.  I stood in the back in a corner.  And I listened.  And enjoyed.  And was so proud of those kids.  And I looked around at the faces I love.  This church has been my family for many years.  And in my heart, I said goodbye.  I have to let go.  To release all of the stuff that is hurting me and holding me that is attached to my husband.  I can go there if I want to and when I want to. However, I can't leave things as they are.  I will support the children.  My children.  Other children.  I will go to special events.  But today, I wept in the back as I said goodbye.  Because I realized that I can do harm by being there.  That it pulls at people I care about.  And while I may wish that he would be the one to go....seeing as how he is the outgoing one.  I know that he won't.  He won't even just give me every other Sunday alone.  He says he will...but then he doesn't.  So it's time for me to grow up a little bit more.  I don't mean that I won't have contact with my church.  Nor that I won't go.  It's just....saying goodbye to how things were.  It's knowing that I don't want to hurt anyone else.  And it's realizing that the truth of the matter is that most people are our friends when we are present and not so much if we aren't.  Not because they are mean.  Not because they are bad.  But because there are only a few best friends in the world.  And the others are come and go.
I looked around.  I took a deep breath.  I stood the whole time....I was woozy.  My husband was singing.  I was shaky.  But I needed to do this.  And I needed to do it on my own.  I focused on the sweet friends.  I wished them well.  I prayed.  I worshiped.  And in my heart, I felt the goodbye.  The letting go.  One step at a time.  Not letting go of being there.  But of thinking that anyone has to understand.  Or get it.  Or walk with me.  I have to let it go.  I have to.  Because I do care about them.  And I see how it causes them pain.  And discomfort.  And I don't want that.
I came home.  Really weak.  Still fighting the flu.  But I made lunch.  Well, not the rice yet.  And now I'm laying down.  Cold.  Really cold.  And a little teary.  But.....strong.  I know that I will get through.  And I know what is true.  I know what he has been in my life.  But they don't have to know.  I can let it go.  A little at a time.  And I can keep walking.  A little at a time.  I can do all things.  Through Christ.  He gives me strength.  Yes, even in this.  And He hears me when I weep.  And He knows what happened behind those closed doors.  And He knows how desperately I have tried and prayed and how finally my very self was crushed.  And He is in the process of rescuing me.  Because He loves me.  And sees me.
Releasing the game as much as anything else.  The "everything is fine" game.  The facade.  I learned how to make do for so long that I am really struggling to figure out how to actually get and expect something different.  But I will figure it out.
I need to live away from him for many reasons.  But most of all it's so that I can hear the voice of truth.  With him here, I keep hearing his disappointment, his ridicule.  And it hinders me from doing the things I know I should.  When I write, I hear him.  When I shop, I hear him.  When I make a choice, I hear him.   When I try to ask someone for help, I hear him.  I have gotten the message over and over that I am not important enough, not smart enough, not responsible enough, not nice enough.....and I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIS VOICE.  The one who married me hurt me.   Hurts me now.  And I have to heal.  Have to say goodbye to that life
Because I want to live real Life.  The gift.  The treasure.  Each breath.  Oh please, Father, give me strength to hear You.  It's so hard to drown out his voice and opinions.
grace.