hard work

funny how hard work can be sitting on my duff rummaging through memories.  sorting by child.  making piles to put into organized containers.  sooo many memories.  all of the old cards from my ex.  i kept the first letter he ever gave me...before we were married.  want my kids to see love.  strange how i read his words now and i realize that it was all about what i could give to him. oops.  now i get it.  i won't make that mistake again.  probably a new one. :)
took an enneagram test today.  interesting.  rates you by a number and then a description after 144 questions.  trying to get to know me.  what do you know.....i think, i have things to say, but i withdraw whne there's conflict. until i've finally been pushed to have to do something....because i function in peace.  i already knew that, but it was funny to read it.
i've survived this going through stuff.  it's tiring.  but, i am doing it for my kids.  so they can look through their boxes.  they like that.  and it's easier to do without them around.  because it's emotional.  and i have to rest some.
what does love look like?  love looks like acceptance in someone's eyes.  that knowing that no matter what, they accept and treasure.  not if.  not when.  period.  it looks like tenderness towards children.  i see fathers cuddling or ruffling the hair or pulling their children to them and i almost weep.  not for a photo.  not for show.  just as a natural show of tenderness and love.  my kids didn't get that.  especially my boys.  competition was the theme.  win.  be the best.  earn it.
i read this week that there is a triangular theory of love.  that love has three sides.intimacy, passion, commitment.  and based on which combinations of those are present, you have different types of love.  imagine my surprise when i read commitment love......commitment alone=empty love.  i cried.  it's so true.  it doesn't fill.  it is empty.
i am doing hard work on myself.  tough learning.  prayer.  discovering.  asking.  searching.
this is a good week.
i will become stronger as i learn to face what is real, who i am, what the reality means to me and how to go on.  but it's not easy.  not at all.  but it's satisfying.  truth.  wholeness.  peace.  of mind and heart.
i am having trouble letting go of some things.  gotta do it.  one little step at a time.
blessings.

the fun of it

life is fun.
even this cleaning, getting ready for school.  getting rid of stuff.  having to go through boxes and boxes of past memories.
it's fun to know that i can.
it's fun to do what is hard.
it's fun to grow.
to feel stronger.
to know.
my phone doesn't ring.
i don't get mail.
i don't get email...ok, i get a lot of mail and email but it's not personal....
i don't get inboxes unless i ask someone a question.
i am in a weird place in life.
yet life is still fun.
i walked in the rain today.
i played with my dogs.
puttered around the house getting stuff done.
ordered my dishwasher and furniture.
looked for the paint to paint my floor.
will go buy it tomorrow.
i laughed.
i talked to my dogs.  and myself.
prayed. through the day.
i texted a bit.
i smiled that my kid was gone all day with  a friend.
i ordered dinner in.
and dessert
ok. two desserts.
ha.
i am going to watch a show and eat my food.
then play with my dogs some more.
then work some more.
i'll stay up late doing whatever strikes me.
and i'll get to do the same tomorrow.
well, probably not two desserts.
life is not easy.
but it is fun.
and good.
and blessed.
and i am learning.
blessings.

writing

sometimes i write letters that i never send.  it helps me to process.  to grieve.  to admit.  it helps me to be me.  my introverted weird self that needs  to process.  to put things to words.  have to do it. but there aren't many who want to sit and listen to me process stuff.
lately i've been processing how my marriage was good....and not good.  the good was that i have great kids.  that i've lived in a town with a fabulous church.  the relationship itself wasn't healthy.  it was not based on sharing and trust.  it wasn't compatible.  it wasn't safe.  yet, good came from it.
but, i've also got some crap to deal with because of it.  i am finding that i very easily fall into settling.  into fading into just being someone that has purpose but not....value?  it's hard.  i allowed this.  it's on me.  but as i heal from my marriage, i'm finding that i allowed it in general.  it sucks.  because now i have to work really hard to make sure i'm actually being me.  meeting my needs.  not selfishly.  but not simply denying my needs all of the time.  i have to be sure that i'm loyal to the person that is in me.  like she's my friend too.  it has been....truly difficult.
so i write.  scribble on pages that i wish i could send.  words that i wish i could say out loud.  thoughts that i must put to order.
and i heal.  a little at a time.  able to say to myself what is true.  that i am worthy of kindness.  of mattering.  of consideration.  of gentleness.  of being sought out.  though i haven't been used to it.  though i didn't remain true to me and put the boundary that i should expect that.
i write.  i think.  i ponder.  i heal.
i am happy still.
i like the people in my life.  though, they don't get what is going on.  strangely, nobody asks.  we talk about less difficult things.  less deep.
back to cleaning my home.  i am going to make it my home.
blessings.

a whole new world

you shall know the truth.  and the truth will set you free.
what an awesome, amazing truth those words are.  it's so easy in life to live what we wish.  what we pretend.  what we think should be.  but when we look at what is genuine.  what is real.  what is true.  what is absolutely what is and not what we want to believe.  well, it's kind of painful.  ok, really painful.  and really freeing.  because we no longer have to keep trying to make up the difference between fantasy and reality.  finally, what is real simply is and what we want is not necessarily.....and that leads to growth and learning and change.
i have had a big year and a half.  getting ready to celebrate my non anniversary soon.  so glad to have a non anniversary.  relieved.
i like my life.  i like the people that are in my life.  no matter how that looks.  there are people that i choose to love and to have as a part of my life.  it's true that my extended family is non existent.  family is more than blood.  it's caring and showing up.  it's true that i wish that i'd done a better job over the years of cultivating friends.  of being visible.  but i couldn't be both the wife that i was supposed to be and genuine.  because i was supposed to support and believe in my husband.  i was supposed to make the best of what was.  and i did that to the best of my ability.  and every time i tried to say something else, i got back the canned message that if i were only to submit more, to give more, to listen more, to pray more.....then all would be right in my world.  imagine what a failure i felt like day after day.  as i tried.  as i gave up hopes.  as i let go of the idea that there would be a spiritual basis in my family.  as i quit having dinner together because he never came when he said he would.  ever.  it became a joke.  but it wasn't funny.  as i gave up ever really having a home that brought me joy.  in the midst of all of that pain, it wasn't a place that anyone walked with me.  so, now, i need to be aware that they are reeling.  that they don't understand how needy i might be.  that it's not personal.  it's just like it was in some ways.  if i want a relationship i have to do the work.
but i'm tired of doing all of the trying.  asking.  searching.  wanting.
i'm tired of not being wanted enough to not be an inconvenience when i'm not helpful but needy.
and i'm not whining.
i find this realization freeing.
i don't have to try to get people to want to be with me.  that's their choice.
and it doesn't mean that i'm bad.
it just means it's not something they want to give or are able to give right now.
it doesn't have to change how i feel. it just has to change how i behave.
i have to just live anyway.  not giving up what i want to do or accomplish.  even if others don't show.
a little at a time.
emotionally working through.
praying.
hoping to not be a burden anymore.
i don't need to be tolerated.
i don't need pity.
i need to be cherished.
treasured.
i need to be seen without me even trying to be.
and if i'm not....then i'm just going to be content to be as i am now.
i choose peace.
joy.
love.
i choose that i will love fully.
not demand.
nor expect
what others can't give genuinely.
i want real.
it's a whole new world.
it's good.
very good.
blessings.

breathe

i am finding that i am more and more able to breathe as i face things that are real.  being married to my ex took so much energy.  wanting to love fully.  wanting to be a good and kind wife.  but failing at every turn.  trying.  trying.  trying.  trying.  trying.  never ending.  never the look of love and acceptance in his eyes  always the "commitment" but never the easy love.
but i thought that it had to be enough.  i got used to accepting whatever.  doing whatever it took.  making others comfortable.  it did bring me joy.  it does bring me joy.  yet.  finally.  i learned.  love isn't only about me having to perform to make life easier.  to meet needs.  to accept the difficult and make it ok.  it's about being real.  about allowing truth out.
i might feel a little lonely or sad.  but, i also feel full of breath.
blessings.

I've got this

Well.  Here I am.  Still alive.  Went to the movie.  Ate like a pig.  Laughed.  Alone.  Yes.  The kids behind me (in the R rated movie) laughed at me.  And I didn't care.  Because being alone wasn't my hurdle.  Getting over not being a part of something...of a group, sisters, friends...whatever....THAT was my hurdle.  Just grabbing it by the balls and going, "oh well, I've got to keep on going anyway."  I am going to be me.  I like alone.  I have worked so hard for so long making other people comfortable and helping and including.  Man, I used to have dozens of people in my home.  Yet, I find myself in this place where people barely even talk to me.  Certainly don't take the time to know me or find out about me.  Don't ask me to do things.  And seriously, I'm just done with not getting a straight answer when they are invited to do something with me.  I asked people to my son's bday party and some didn't even answer....and it was on facebook messaging, so I KNOW that they read it!!  So, I did it at his party...just did the party.  Did the family stuff afterwards.  I am going to just learn to take the no's and deal with the non answers.  And maybe that should be by just backing off and letting people off of the hook.  I cried all the way to the movie.  I barely held it together ordering popcorn.  I had wanted to go with friends all summer to a stupid movie.  I just feel.......like an idiot.  I feel like I am such a moron that I haven't moved on and just let go.  I need to let them move on.  Even if you care about people, it's dumb trying to hang on to what you wish was.  It has been like I couldn't stand any more loss.  But.....pretending it's not there doesn't make it so.  It just hurts more.  So.  Reality.
Enjoy what is.  Learn to be truthful to myself about what isn't.  Instead of wishing, hoping, believing, thinking that things are something they aren't.
I'm NOT a moron.  I FEEL like a moron.  I'm smarter than this.  And I'm stronger.  And I'm worth more.  Though I don't behave as if I am.
Nobody is coming running after me.  Nobody is losing sleep over my life.  Nobody is staying up praying for me.  Nobody really sees me.  But I DO.  And I will take care of me.  I will no longer allow me to be forgotten, ignored or hurt by being an after thought.
When it gets to the point that your friends are always busy or not sure or hesitate or absent....it's time to back off and grow up.  And just let go.  Easier said than done.  Much like with kids growing up.  I know it has to happen...but it's an ache.  But just how it has to be.
I have to keep on trying this giving up thing.  I'm pretty lousy at it.  I always believe.  Even when the facts are right there.  Silly me.  And yet, it's something I like about me.  I like that I'm loyal.  That I trust.  Even when it tears at my soul.
I did it.  And I'll get up tomorrow and do the day.  On my own again.  And the next day.
And I'll plan for my future.
And I'll do good.  And love.  And give.
But I will not continue trying to get people to be my friend.  I'm done doing that.  It makes me feel like crap.  Instead.....I'll just take deep breaths.  I'll pray.  I'll cry.  I'll laugh.  I'll take care of me.  And I'll do my job well.  So that one day I can have a great recommendation to get my job at the coast.  And I will go to the coast.  And I won't be afraid, because I'll know that I can do it. Because I've made it through this last year.  And the long married years.  I can do it.
Off I go to prove it.
blessings.

productive on my day of rest

it was a restful day.  yet i still got things done.  i began in my room.  going through paperwork.  deep sixing things.  tomorrow i will face the "memory" boxes.  they are always hard and i didn't want to start there.  i want to narrow down what i keep as far as clothes.  stuff.  not memories.
but i did stuff today.  and i rested as i wanted to.
now i am getting ready to go to the movie i've wanted to see.  frankly, it doesn't sound like so much fun alone.  but i'm thinking that it's time to get moving in my life.  if this is how it is then this is how it is.  no victim status.  simply reality.  just need to move on.  quit waiting for things to change and change myself instead.  i am the only one that i can change.  i am the only one that can choose to do what i want to do.  and this is a movie i've wanted to see.  five dollar day!!!  yes it is.
one day maybe i will be seen.  one day maybe i will not be invisible.  but for now, i'm just going to have to love me.  do what is important.  even if it means doing it on my own.
the hardest part is not having anyone to have words to share.  but that has been a long time.  it'll be ok.  i'll be ok.  sometimes i just get tired.  and sometimes i wonder why it all happened.
i remember pre marriage.  i remember having friends.  and while they weren't all close.  or deep.  they were there.  they called. we did stuff.  they remembered things that were important in my life.  they included me in their lives and i included them in mine.  it was...natural.  but it's not anymore.  i like people.  i'm just too tired to keep on being the one that tries to make a bond. i'm learning that if it's not there, it's not there.  you'd think that it wouldn't have taken me 20 years in marriage to figure that out, but it did.  like i've said, i'm loyal.  i stick.  but i've learned that there comes a time to keep my love and care but to let go.  to let them be free.  not hate.  not giving up on them.  i didn't give up on my ex.  i wised up.  he didn't love me.  he used me.  and that is very different.  and i became accustomed to being used.  to being cared about "if" i did something or "if" i was something.  and now, after doing the really hard thing and saying that i wouldn't live that way anymore, i realize that i need to not live that way anymore.  even with others.  i need to grow up and put on my big girl panties and go out and have my life.  though it may often be alone. i'm not the best at social.  i like to be with only a few.  that's ok.  i keep remembering.....who i am is ok.  and i don't have to hurry up and find people.  i CAN'T.  not while being myself.  so.  a movie.  no big deal.
sure.
blessings.

Got it easy

Have you ever known something.  Believed it.  Leaned on it.  Decided that no matter what, it was true?  Like someone who is there for you.  That you believe that if push comes to shove, you won't be all alone in this world.
I do.
And though I've seen so many walk away or simply not walk in.  I know that it's not all.  And I know that I am not ALL alone.
I believe it.
Even in the now.
And that means I've got it easy.

Rest

Got up very early.  Got my kids off on their trip.  Put my dogs back to bed.  And myself.  Got up at 10:30.  Practically unheard of.  Because the voice of responsibility calls me hard normally.  People need things.  Have to take them places.  Cook.  I have things to do.  Not today.  Today, I told the voice to shut up...I have time to rest.  And I need to allow myself to do so.  So...I did.
And I might go see a movie tonight.  It's hard for me. I've been wanting to go, but there isn't really anybody who wants to see the same movie....my kids aren't interested.  So, I'm taking a deep breath and thinking of going alone.
It felt like life changed a lot when I got divorced. But really, I don't think it changed much at all.  Just because I decided to be visible didn't mean that people suddenly noticed that something had changed.  Their expectations would remain the same.  And while that may be hard on me to some degree, I can't really expect anything else.  They had a long time to get used to me just being a part of the scenery that was useful, helpful, but not really someone that they reached out to.  People got used to me doing the inviting.  Making the effort.  Trying.  I so desperately needed their input in my life.  Who they were.  I needed the diversion from the pain that was my marriage.  But now, I guess I'm just not willing to keep pursuing.  I was silly to do so in the first place.  Friends are not people that you have to hope and wish that they would show up.  They just do.  I got so used to not being worth it in my marriage that I didn't notice that much.   It did nag at me sometimes.  Noticed that I did the inviting.  That being included was rare.  I did the calling, that being called was unusual.  I blew it off.
And now I won't blow it off anymore.  But, I also won't be continuing down that road.  It's painful.  A constant reminder that I am not on their mind.  That I am not someone that they are worried about.  I went through a divorce.  Have had some horrific times of pain.  Don't get calls seeing how I am.  Don't get meals.  Don't get people coming to make life easier.  And that is reality.  So, I need to look at reality and see how I want to live differently in the future.  I want to be kind.  I want to give.  I want to include.  But I will no longer live my life where it's me doing those things.  One day, I invited someone somewhere and when they said yes, I was speechless for a moment.  And in that moment, it hit me......I've gotten so accustomed to continually putting myself out there, continually reaching out, continually wanting to build a relationship that I hadn't really looked at reality. They are doing that elsewhere.  I am maybe a diversion.  Or a help in times of need.  I am loyal and to be counted on.  But, as for being the one that they think of, worry about, pray for, call, not so much.
So, today I rest.  And today I face that reality is ok.  It beats bullshit.  And today I go ahead with baby steps.  And today I begin to take back my wreck of a house.  Yes, on my own.  And today I pray for what will be.  Someday.  And I rest in His love. And today.....is actually a very very good day.
Guess my introverted personality has a good point.  Being here is ok.  Introspection is healing for me.  And reality is good.  Gives me a starting point so that I can map out how to get where I want to be.
Praying about that job opening.  About a house.  About lots of things.  And that is the hard part.  Nobody that prays with me.  Now that?  That brings tears.
blessings.

gone

Three of my kids are gone this morning.  For a whole week.  To Texas.  With their dad.  They are going to a family reunion.  I know that it will be fun.  But it's still hurtful.  That my one son is ostracized...he's not going.  And my other son wasn't even asked until it was too late for him to go.  Just weird. And the grown one with kids wasn't asked either.  So, three went.  But three stayed home.  Two of the ones that stayed home don't live with me anymore.  But one does.  And I wonder what goes on in his brain regarding all of this.  He won't say a lot.  And he's stressed about going to college....well, the getting organized part.
But.....though there are those moments that I think that I really blew it.  Where I wonder how I could have screwed up so much.  Well.  In these moments, it feels like I saved my kids to leave my marriage.  The emotional upheaval is less. And they have a chance to grow.
My youngest son looked at me as he was getting ready to walk out the door and said, "look, I shaved, no more mustache."  Made me laugh.  He had the fuzzy hairs of teen age boys.
So, a week til they return.  Then a week til I go back to school.  Two weeks.  So many things to do.  Including a little sleeping in.
blessings.

I feel...

I am happy.
And yet.
I feel like I must be relationally challenged.
Like I'm the kid that's not invited.
Or just a little....."different".
I feel like people talk about my ex like they can't believe I would give him up.  And about how nice he is.  How likable.
And I feel.....sad.
I don't feel like I'm a chosen person in anyone's life.
You know, the person that they reach out to just because.
I feel like I'm a person for if you need something.
I seriously never get called just to check in.
Other people get invites.
And posts on facebook about hanlging out.
Other people are....normal?
Yet, I'm happy.
And sad.
All at once.  Weird but true.
The thing is this:  I am content with my own company.  Being a bit of a hermit often suits me just fine.  There are only a few in the world that it's not a chore for me to be together.....where I have to put on my extrovert suit and work hard.
So being on my own is pretty good
I found a job in the town that I fell in love with.  About fifteen students per class.  Private school.  It seems like a good fit.
I know it's not time yet.  I need to give my daughter time to graduate.
But I guess I'm ready to go in some ways.
Sometimes it's simply because it hurts to be in a place that I've lived so very long and have no sense of being missed at all.  At my church.  With my friends.
I disappeared.  It didn't matter.
I want to live differently.
That's hard to do when I've allowed myself to be a shadow for so long.
It's not that I want to be popular.  Nor a party girl.
I like qt.
I just want....
to be known.
to be missed.
to be treasured for who I am.
and I want to be with people who bother to say so.
I want to matter.
I know that I do to my kids.
But they will be leaving soon.
I want to matter to my peers.
I want to have people who feel about me the way I've felt about others.
I remember.
And then I remember....
I might just blow it.
again.
But I might not.
And I know me.
I am worth caring about.
And now that I've begun caring about me again...that is a good start.
I feel courageous.
Because these feelings are hard to admit.
Harder still to deal with honestly with myself.
I am not looking for romance.
Not looking for popularity.
I'm not looking for a huge social life.
I'm looking for someone who enjoys me....
not just people I enjoy.
I enjoy pretty easily.
I am looking for tranquility.
A place to write.
I am looking to be important enough
that I'm noticed
that I'm called
that I get invited
that I'm not shocked when someone says yes if I ask.
I lived a long time not mattering
having little importance
not being seen
Though it's familiar
it's not what I want for the rest of my life.
I choose different.
I will pursue that.
But for now?
For now I will just learn to like being just me.
blessings.

Birthday Son

It was a nice day out with a birthday son.  He's 22 now.  Wow.  Pushed right through all of the milestones.  Walking.  Talking.  School.  16.  driving.  18 voting.  graduating.  college.  job.  own place to live.  21.  legal adult.  Wow.  Again.
It was a very nice day.  We had a lunch out at a favorite non traditional buffet.  Then a little shopping at a really nice mall.  Finished up with a movie.  There were RECLINERS at the theater.  If I had had a blanket, it would have been perfect.  But, even without the blanket, it was lovely.
My daughter and I with five boys.  Young men.  Who drew looks and interest from a number of young women.  That made us all smile.
Nice to be with friends and family.
Now....nice to rest.
blessings.

The Worst Year of My Life

This last year has pushed me.  And pulled me.  And trained me.  And tested me.  This last year has seen some people who are simply mean to me.  But, this last year is not the worst year of my life.  This last year has actually been a relief as well.  A healing time.  A time to take a breath after a long time of holding it.
No, the worst year of my life occurred quite some time ago.  And now I realize why.
I have a very different personality type.  I'm great at empathy.  At understanding.  At seeing things.  I get it.  I am a one person or a couple of people at a time kind of person.  I am a person who has had friends and been a good friend. But, I'd never really shared all of my heart.  The cracked places.  The reasons for the cracks.  I shared what makes me tick.  My deepest hurts and fears.  I shared what makes me laugh.  I trusted.  Absolutely.  And I heard things and I learned things.  Nobody had ever had an interest in knowing before.  And having that gift was something more precious than anything I've ever been given in my life.  It was like God reached out and said, "I know what you long for and how you need to be known, here you go, a friend for the journey."  It was like He reached through a friend and showed me how He got who I am.  I was so blessed.
But, as will happen.  Especially when you're me?  Well, I really did something that was hurtful.  Not purposefully hurtful.  The intent was totally good.  To stand up for.  To be a voice for.  To protect.  Those are a part of me living as much as blood or breath.  But, I said that I would do something that was unwanted.  And in that instant, everything changed.  And I didn't know what to do.  I was embarrassed.  I was crushed.  I was hurt.  I was mortified.  But, a charade had to begin.  Others were involved.  The other person didn't say anything.  Nor did I.  We just went on.  And I mourned that year in a way that threatened to undo me.  I cried.  I ached.  Eventually, I apologized.  But I can't say that it made everything better.
It's still the person I trust more than any other.  Who still knows the whole shebang.  Who stays when others walk away.  Who forgives.
But somewhere along the way, I have had to learn that all of that meant more to me than to the other.  That the pain that I experienced was mine because of how I am.  That I will never fill that place again.  It isn't in me.  But I have also learned that others go on.  Find others.  I am.......different.  Ok, I already knew that!:)  Ever so often, I am taken back there.  To that time.  That very sweet time.  When I knew.  I knew that someone chose me to know and it was a treasure.  And the ache begins to form in my soul.  Of knowing that I blew it.  And wondering how it is that that could have been.  When I meant good.  Meant to give a voice.  To make stronger.  And then, comes the reminder....that my worst year was not theirs.  They moved on.  Gave that same sharing and giving to others.  Because other people are that way.  They can share with many.
I had forgotten a bit.  It came up again.  And I somehow feel like I'll never be the same.  Because now I know me better.  And I understand how I work.  And I know that I am not fickle with my caring, friendship nor love.  But, I especially am not fickle about sharing my dreams, thoughts, hopes, and deepest words.  And I will never regret.  But I will always miss it.  Always.  For my whole life.
The worst year of my life was a direct result of the very best part of my life.  A time of not just giving.  Of not just sharing.  But of being known.  For real.  Genuinely.  To my toes.  And of getting to know.  To be trusted.  Shared with.  It was as amazing as the final shine of the sun as it sets.  A precious gift to be cherished.
Getting reminded that I blew it was a bit crushing.  However, finally, I have peace.  I actually like who I am.  I am going to be ok.  I disappointed, but I'm not a disappointment.  I was given a fabulous gift.  I love that.  And though others see my frailty and my bitchiness and my knack for screwing things up, they don't see everything about me.  And I'm not going to sit around and defend myself.  I am a bitch.  And I guess I might as well learn to be ok with that.
blessings.

Somehow

Somehow it is tiring in my life.  The having of people who are willing to bring up the times and the assumptions that I am a bitch.  Or was a bitch.  Or did something wrong.  Or bad.  I have lived and messed up.  More than some.  Less than others.  Hurt many without meaning to hurt any.  Wanted to be loyal.  To the ones I've made commitments to.  Yet somehow.....in the weirdest ways, you find what others really think of you.  And in that moment, I feel the shame that I have tried so hard to push away in the last year.  The shame that my ex used to keep me "in line".  That you had to be good enough.  Had to do things right.  Had to earn love.  And that really, he was being nice to stick around and be so committed.
And yesterday, again, something happened that stuck a sword of that shame into my heart.  Deep.  To the core.  And it was such a quick jab, that at first, I didn't even recognize it.  Didn't put up any defense.  Just let it hit home hard.  And then, I couldn't even figure out why I was reeling. Trying to breathe.  Hurting.  Oh.  I've been hit by shame.  Inadequacy.  Shown once again how many times I've been the cause of things that go wrong.
Yet somehow, this time, I looked and realized that I'm in good company.  Yes, I've screwed up, yes, I'm a mess, yes, I've really blown it so many times.  But this time, I saw.....I'm not alone.  But the way that I am alone is in those who defend me.  I defend those I care about to others who try to diminish them.  And I realized that I don't have that sense of protection.  I let people treat me just like my ex did.  No protection.  No defense.  No standing up for.  So.  I need to change that.  I need to give my past grace.  Just as much as I do to others.  I need to not judge my worth based on people thinking that I'm worth defending.  I need to figure out how it is that it seems like people are doing me a favor by tolerating me.
I find this wearying.  I lived through so much.  Managed.  Yet still, that little voice whispers, "maybe you really just aren't worth it."  I don't want it to.  I want to fight back.  I want to change.  But sometimes, I just have to rest from trying to become the person, the woman, I long to be.  Sometimes, I just have to curl up, let it hurt for awhile, wish it wasn't this way......and let myself cry.
And THEN, I will move on.  And love well.  And give.  And keep going. Even if I'm not good at letting people seeing how I love.  I know me.  And though I haven't done well in the past, maybe I will do better in the future. And maybe I won't.  I am not certain. But I do know that I will love and do my best.  And I will pray.  Encourage.  Hope. Give my life away.  Spend it lifting up when I can.  Believing in others when they don't believe in themselves.
And yet, I may still end up alone in many ways.  And unprotected.  And no behavior nor desire may change that.  All I can change is how I view myself.  I have to choose.  I have to choose if being me is worth it.
It is.  Because while I may not have people around who fall over themselves to be my friends.  I like me.  The real me.  The tender me.  And I don't want to go back to the person I had to try to be when I was married.  Even if it remains that nobody is around to tell me the good.  I will learn to tell myself.  To read the words of the One who created and to remember that though I am not all that I wish, I am simply me.  Used to show His glory because of my weakness.  My flaws.  My frailty.
I choose truth.  I choose real.
And that's hard.
Somehow, I always thought that there would be someone who would stand for me.
There is.  Me.
blessings.

Flying

Flying requires leaving the safety of the ground.  It requires letting go of unnecessary weight.  Being light of heart.  Flying requires not carrying along a lot of baggage.
And I am learning to fly.  Learning to let go of the stuff that ties me down.  The beliefs that say that things aren't possible.  I'm learning to take short flights.  I long for the day that I soar.  That I leave behind the fears and the what ifs.  That I let go of all of the stuff and understand how God is able to care for me along the journey.  To enjoy now.  To be wise for the future.  But not to worry for the future.
Getting rid of stuff felt so very good.  It felt....like a release.  Like my wings were freed.
Flying takes some getting used to.  Have to take a deep breath.  Have to remember that letting go of what holds me down allows something new to come.
It's fun.  It's scary.  It's new.  It's necessary.
blessings.

Pursuing freedom

I have pursued all kinds of freedom this last year.  Spiritual freedom.  Personal freedom.  Financial freedom.  Bedroom freedom. Sexual freedom......to be freed from being an object and learning to understand being feminine and being allowed to be that without it being an invitation...lest you think I mean sleeping around.  Style freedom.  Time freedom. Work freedom.  Cooking freedom.  Cleaning freedom.  Vacationing freedom.  Writing freedom.  Sleeping freedom.  And now, stuff freedom.  You can't imagine the lightness I am feeling as I actively and purposefully divest myself of things.  Of stuff. Giddy.  It's a good kind of freedom.  I want to do more.  It's addictive.  But, it's also hard.  Because I'm used to needing to hold onto things.  Won't be able to get something else.  Now, I'm ready to leave that mentality.  Share it on.  Pass it on.  The house building materials that we haven't used in eight years won't be used.  Let someone use them.
I want to be free.  Free from the feeling that I might not have enough.  That I need to hold onto things.  I don't want to hold onto things.  I want to hold onto relationships.  Memories.  Experiences.  I want to hold onto the fact that I am taken care of every step of the way and I don't constantly have to be sure that I have lots of stuff.
Stuff.  That's all it is.  The cute little box.  The lovely rusty metal piece.  The cute sofa.  There's so much stuff in the world.  I want to be purposeful to have what I need and what makes me comfortable....and let the rest go.  Freely. Without stress.  Because that is freeing.
Off I go.  I have loads of stuff to get rid of tomorrow!  Pray that I do.
blessings. 

part of the landscape

it's easy to get used to what you see.  to what is familiar.  whether it is useful.  or beautiful.  or helpful.  or not.  it is just there.  and you become accustomed to it being there.  so much so that you don't notice it....even if it's detrimental.  or dirty.  or painful.  or messy.  sometimes it's stuff.  sometimes it's people.  and you just....settle.  it's easy to keep on the blinders and ignore the obvious fact that there is no benefit in keeping that 20 year old blanket that you've had sitting on the shelf in the same place for 8 years.  it has a place.  it's a habit.
i want to choose my landscape.  purposefully.  i don't want to hold onto things just because i'm used to seeing them.
people....wellllll, that's a little different.  but still, it should be more than habit.
off to work some more
blessings

Home Messy Home

Our home is in absolute and complete chaos.  There is not a room, an outbuilding nor a place around the property that has been untouched.  We have dug around, unearthed and determined what to do with thousands of things.  Upon telling a young friend of how bad it looked, she said, "it looks like a happy mess."  And it is.  Because it is a messy HOME not a messy HOUSE.  We are home.  We may not be entertaining right now.  We may not have it all together.  But, together, we are getting a big job done.  Dumpster in place.  Garage sale advertised.  Tomorrow we put the stuff around in the front yard from the house and the back....make signs....put up signs and put the address on craigslist.  And after we do this sale, a wonderful thing.....we get to put our home in order.  Home.
For the first time in many years, home feels....pleasant.  Comforting.  Hopeful.  I like hanging out here.  Though the mess is beyond my brain.  But still, in the midst, in the middle, while all of this mess and chaos and going through....I feel......powerful.  I feel like I am not a victim of the memories.  Of the pain.  I feel like I am taking charge of how my life is going to be lived out.  I falter often.  But instead of staying in the ick, I am choosing to get rid of it.  To choose and be proactive to achieve and do what brings me peace and comfort in my own home. Clutter makes me antsy.  I like stuff, don't get me wrong.  But this is out of control. Stuff everywhere.  Crammed in every little corner.  Every box.  Hey, we found toothbrushes packed up years ago!  Used.  We have found at least five completely full boxes of newspapers.  I have saved memories from my kids' childhood.  Those I don't regret at all.  It's just the rest of the stuff....way way way too much.  And I feel the burden lifting as we create this big mess.  This big happy mess.
I have a home.  It's a relief.  I had a house.  A house is good.  A home?  Priceless.
blessings.

How Productive Looks.

Went through loads of boxes today.  Getting that garage sale ready.  it's a lot more work than it seems.  and i am not good at doing it in an orderly, keep everything else neat fashion.  add to that a broken dishwasher and you can pretty much picture the scene.  Hey, I did make dinner tonight!  That's something.  Good dinner.  With meat, potatoes and veggies.  I know.  Then I sent my son for ice cream.  Still overwhelmed!  Lots and lots to do.  But I realized today that part of my stress is a trigger from the past.  The being afraid to make this mess.  Knowing that it would all just get put back.  Living with someone who had a great knack at making me feel horribly inadequate when I couldn't do all of this AND keep the house like becky home ecky.  And I realize that inside, I still hear that voice.  Those questions that were to let me know that I wasn't doing what he thought I should.  I was a disappointment.  To HIM.  That does not make me a disappointment.
I have a lot of paperwork to go through.  His love letters from other girls/women are in a box that I put aside to do while the kids are gone.  Lots to do.
And tonight, I'm not being active.  I am productive.  I am making it.  I am moving forward.  Tonight I am allowing myself to savor what I HAVE DONE rather than listening to his voice of all that I haven't done.  That's tough to do.  I was married a long time.  But, strangely, I guess it was just time to hear a new voice.  And the new voice says, "that's my girl, I'm so pleased with you."
blessings.

Today

Help came today.  I woke up and got started and thought, "I'm going to be pushing it to make it through this."  And.  Then.  Help.  Came.  It was beautiful.  The help was good.  The encouragement to my heart was priceless.  Because everything around me is a MESS.  I have pulled "life" apart.  And it is MESSY.  Easier to just leave things where they are.  Easier, but not as healing.  This way causes growth.  And choices.  I want stuff.  I like stuff.  But I want stuff that I use.  That I like.  That is not just there because we couldn't get rid of it.  Stuff is to be used.  Gladly.  Happily.  But not hoarded.  Why should we hoard?  God brings what we need as we need.  I'm learning more about that.  I have been having a busy life for the last month.  Internally most of all.  Not hoarding those emotions either.  Feeling them.  Dealing with them.  Letting them go.  Facing them again and repeating.  Without fear.  It's all ok.  Normal even.
This garage sale is freeing.  I can't wait to sell the stuff for CHEAP.  Neither can the kids.  Freeing ourselves from constantly needing to move something or look for something we should be able to find.  Freeing ourselves from the need to hold onto stuff that doesn't have emotional attachment.  It's time.
I be tired.  In a good way.  Dealing with a lot....dealing with it, not avoiding it!
blessings.

on the list

i never again have to remove the van seats.  it was hard.
i never again have to work around the non working fridge.  it is gone.
i never again have to move the mounds and mounds of newspapers that he accumulated and kept in non plastic, non sealed places in the barn/loft.  they are trashed/recycled.
i never again have to listen to him put the bank statement on speaker phone when we went to bed and hear every bit of money that went through in the last week.  never.  and then try to sleep....
i never again have to go to sleep crying because of how he treated me during sex.   nope.  never.
i never again have to wonder where he took my tools.
i never again have to wonder if he is going to want something....taking care of that THIS WEEK.
(makes for a crazy big week but worth every sweaty, dirty moment and every tear i've shed.)
i never again have to ask or beg for something and wait and wait....not nagging.  trying just to wait............
i never have to stay in a relationship where i am a constant disappointment.
i never have to keep so much stuff that there's not enough space with a 3000 ft2 house, a barn, loft and shed.  i never again have to worry about when to have that garage sale!
i never again have to try to figure out what to do with those cement piles.
i never again have to cry that i have to do this all alone, cuz i never again have to do this!!!
i never again have to fake being happy in a marriage that was broken
i never have to ask to get the tiller fixed.
i never have to ask to plant flowers.  or to make a garden.  or to make a sitting area.
i never have to think, "wow, he doesn't even know THAT about me."
i never have to be that loneliest kind of lonely that comes from being with someone that makes you feel small.
i never have to try to keep the peace by giving in or keeping silent so that days aren't ruined.
i never again have to endure his mother treating me so horribly and having him support that.
i never again have to watch him act differently to others and gain their respect while doing nothing to gain mine.
i never again have to pray to be anyone but me so that my marriage will last.
i never again have to wish that i could just die so that maybe he would finally be happy.....because he certainly wasn't happy with me.
i never again have to work every day to try to please and find that it never will work.  ever.
life was so very hard.  i lived through very much.  and this week is kind of like a culmination of getting rid of stuff.
i've been whiney.   really, i've just been hurting so deeply.  too deeply to try to describe.  so i just talk about the work of the week.  but boy, it has kicked my ass.
back at it.  because i will kick right back!  i am getting through this.  yes.  i.  am..
and though none go with me, i'll walk alone.  because i'd rather do this than spend one more minute being troubled and surrounded by the very unhappy married past.  too much for too long.  time to move forward by purging the stuff.  it helps to get his claws out of me.  if i don't have his stuff, he can't have as many ins.
happy.  though struggling.
blessings.

the silver lining

well, i may be working like crazy.  and a lot of it might be making me a little sad for various reasons.  but, damn, i'm going to get skinny with all of this sweating AND work.  that's a pretty awesome upside.  sorry i've been whiney.  just having so many revelations this month.  it's big.  and it's ok to look at reality and go, "hmm, that's a little sad.  oh well.  i still love my life!"
blessings.

Pity Party

It's a little

ok, a lot

disheartening.

To get to this place in life

and find myself 

without help.

I've tried to be helpful.

To be kind.

Yet, here I am.

Alone.

Doing a job that would make ten people tired.

How overwhelming.

Yet, I push for this weekend

because

I don't want it hanging over my head

anymore.

So, gotta find some more 

big girl panties.

Other ones are sweaty!

It's hot.  

I'm exhausted.

But that's not it.

The pity party 

is 

because

I

am

alone.

I'm done now.

Doesn't take much.

Just needed 

to admit it.

All better.

Facts be facts

and nothing more.

I'm not bad

because of it.

It will change.

But.

Still.

It's.

Sad.

and that's ok.

it's ok for it to be sad.

blessings....and love.

God of Help

I need it.  I need help, God.  Please strengthen me.  This getting rid of stuff is a lot of physical labor.  I need help.  Strengthen me.  Give me the will.  Keep me from falling apart from all of the emotion.  I have a deadline.  I must really get moving.  It's so hot out.  I don't do well in heat.  But YOU know that.  You know me.  You love me.  Just help me to keep taking one step at a time.  I love You.  Help me to quit feeling sorry for myself and to get moving.  Life is too short to let this get me down.
Thanks.  Love ya.
Me.

Focus

I was outside working.  Heard it's going to be nearly 100 degrees today!  Gotta get some stuff done in the cooler part of the day.  But, while I was out there, I had a little pity party moment.  Out there.  Alone.  Trying to get so much done.  I do remember when I had friends.  Work days.  Helping each other out.  It was sure a nice way to show the neighbors God's love.  I remember.  I remember good.  Even when the remembering is because of current pain.  Each stage is just a stage.  This one will give way to a new one as well.  So, I will learn well the lessons of where I am now.  And I will hit it as hard as I can and do what I can and leave the rest.  Because all I can do is try to get it done.
Deep breath.  Now, go prayerfully forward.  Relax.  It's not the end of the world if you can't finish.  There are more days and more times.  Do what is important today.
There's my self talk for the next few minutes!
blessings, dear ones.

Going again

Emotional work is very satisfying...but also extremely hard.  I have to take breaks.  And I have to just give myself time to feel.  I am working very hard at not stifling the feelings, but having the thoughts as they come.  Feeling the feelings as they exist.  For denying them does no good.
Facing them.  Allowing the grief.  Allowing the laughter.  Allowing genuine, chaotic, draining, inspiring emotion to be present.  Fully.  And to deal with each type as it comes.  It's the hard work of life.  I numbed it for too many years.  Pushed it aside.  The knowing.  The sensing.  That it was all a charade.  How sad.  And to give myself permission to be sad.  And to be happy for the good times.  It's all very wearing!   And good.  Very good.
Life is messy.  But my house needs not to be!!!  ha.
blessings.

Quiet

Today was quiet.  Much of it at least.  Kids went to church and to their dad's house for lunch.  One kid got up at 1:30 when his biggest brother stopped by with his roommates.  I visited for a little over an hour.  Then, went back to weeding.  Took a break from the barn clutter today.  I went out first thing.  Thought about it.  Then decided to do something different.  Had some still time.  Ate some toast.  Then went to weeding.  I have a lot to do around this house.  Beginning with getting rid of a lot of stuff.  A lot.  It can't be my home with the clutter of the past.  And I need to start thinking about what I want for the future and what is just simply stuff.  I'm just tired of having too much. Everywhere I look.  It makes me feel cramped.  Time to trim way back and way down.  I keep saying it.  But I have to keep reminding myself.  Keep seeing that eventually I'll get through all of this work.  So. Much. Work.  Everywhere I look.
So, today I am just doing what occurs to me.  Letting my mind and body not work as hard.  Then the kids and I will have five days til the garage sale.  I don't kid myself....I'm really going to have to push them.  They aren't going to be happy campers about it.  But it has to be done.  And it certainly isn't all my stuff.
But it's my job to make it all down to size.  To get rid of the stone around our necks.  The chaos and clutter.  And the bit of quiet today people are was probably good for me.  Though it's hard to know that all around me are with families and doing fun meals and laughing. I'll make it through the quiet time.  The alone time.  Because it is what I have to do.
Some moments I am amazed that I knew so many people.  Had so many people in my home.  Cooked so many meals.  And really, it was just superficial.  I am learning that if people come but don't invite...or let you stop by but don't invite..it's polite, but it's not close.  Right up there with emails, texts and phone calls.  If you do all of the reaching, they just aren't that into you.  And I wasn't much worth being with.  Too stressed.
And now I just have to get comfortable in that fact.  I always thought that I would be the person at church like my grandparents were....where if you were gone, it was a big deal.  Like you mattered.  Were necessary.  But it didn't work out that way.  And the quiet will help me face truth.  And keep moving on.
But boy, doing it all right now is tough.  Most of the time I am strong and powerful these days.  Able to face it knowing that God has me.  But ever so often, I just wilt with the absolute sheer amount of stuff to do.  On my own.  I have time.  I will finish.  But I may fall apart a few times in between.  That's ok.  I'll just be quiet and let God love me.  I don't have to do it all well.  It's hard right now because I'm SO embarrassed about my home.  It's a wreck.  And one son is making it moreso and doing nothing at all to help.  I think that after school starts I'm going to write up a contract that is rules for coming home to live or for living at home after 17.  Because I don't want to have another summer like this.  It's really hard to keep up when some just keep making more mess.
Quiet time.  Still time. Weeding.  Thinking.  Praying.  Wondering.  Looking forward to when this part is past.  And it will be.  Just got to keep enough energy to make it.
blessings.

Go Gently

Life is changing.  And it is really hard.  This whole church thing has been simmering for more than the year and a half that he's been gone.  It's hard to have my focus be in the right place.  It's hard to not have support.  It's hard to feel exposed and unsafe in a place where I should feel the most freedom to come as I am.  And, it's hard to even consider not going to church with my kids.  An ache that travels through my body.  Yet, going to church just to say that I did it has little appeal.  I know that I'm strong enough to show up now.  In the beginning, I couldn't do that.  I know that I might shake or struggle, but I can make it.  But, what is my end goal?  What is the purpose of "church"?  How do I worship when my ex is on "display" every other week?  How do I relax and focus on ministry and my part in the church when the only thing people care about me right now is that I'm not going back to my husband.  I mean, he's made it evident that if I would just repent then he would get back together with me.  He wears his ring.  He has connected with the vast majority of our old friends.  He has people pray for me.  For his marriage.  The same people that I want to go to church with and say, "God is doing a new thing.  He is making streams in the desert and paths in the wilderness."  See the dilemma?  Maybe a night church.  There's a place called the refuge.  But it's a little bit of a drive.  They do things together.  They eat together.  It's smaller.  It's community.  It's people who find that they don't have a place....misfits.  That's what I feel like at church.  Even with my besties.  Like a misfit.  Like it's awkward and I am a distraction when I'm there.
My ex won't make it easy.  I've tried for the every other week thing...but then he sits close by.  And comes right over afterwards.  And is mingling with the people I would mingle with.  It's just troubling.  When I give him his time, I butt out.  And I know that he takes advantage of that.  And he pushes me by making me uncomfortable.  By making a show of not sitting WITH me, but sitting a pew removed.  I get that crawly feeling of my hair standing up and I shiver.  He makes me really uncomfortable.
But I am going to go gently towards newness.  Just take a break for my heart and soul right now.  Just pray through it.  See what is next.  Go gently for my kids.  So that they don't feel like I don't love them.  So that they know that I value worship.  Go gently for my friends.  Yes, those friends that just can't really be my friends anymore as well as those who are there for the nitty gritty.  Change is painful.  And they don't need the burden of making it all better for me when I go to church.  They need to focus on what is important to them.  And seeing as how I don't have family...it has made it a little bit rough.  No "home" church to go to.  Though I thought this morning of going to my grandparents church.  Talk about a drive!  Nearly and hour.  But I wouldn't be at home there either.  My grandparents are gone.
Go gently.  Those are the words whispering in my soul this morning.  I can go fearlessly.  I am cared for.  Though I feel alone, that's ok.  Though I long to be pulled into an embrace.  Though I wildly wish that there was a person on the face of the earth that had the words, "I really need you here at our church...you are valuable to me and I want to worship with you...."....ok, not those words, but the sentiment that I have value there.  I am not going to live my life being a taker only.  Even in church.  And while I don't have it in me to do a million things, it would have been nice to have been included in something.  To have the staff note the fact that life must be hard.  Was a time when a grocery card would have been nice.  God worked it all out though.  As He will now.
Can't keep just going and acting like my life hasn't changed.  Can't live my life somewhere where my story has to remain closeted.  But can't picture setting down roots where my kids are not.  I know where they will get married.  And take their kids if they live here.  This is huge.  So.  I will go gently.  And courageously.  And I will be kind to me.  And others.
blessings.

Crushing

On my lawn mower the other day, along with my spiritual awakening came the deep understanding of how I had been crushed.  How dreams and hopes and faith had been squashed.  How the very essence of hope was snuffed.  And I was horrified at how it had happened to me.  And then I was exponentially horrified when I realized what had happened to my kids.  I look and I see what wonderful people they are.  But wounded too.  They too have been crushed by their dad's inability to connect nor give positive feedback on dreams and hopes.  They were not nurtured in their areas of vision.  Oh, they have done ok.  And I have tried.  But, they didn't get what they should have.  They weren't told that faith in the living God moves mountains.  They don't have to do it.  They just have to live the life they are called to.  No matter how crazy wild it seems or sounds.  Remember Noah? The dude built a boat in the middle of a desert!  Remember Peter walking on water?  They didn't get the dialogue that I desired about spiritual things because it always had to come down to being right or wrong.  dialogue is about letting them talk it out.  Feel out their ideas and thoughts.  I am glad that my ex isn't here now for that reason.  It has been giving them a chance to see who they really are.  To have likes and dislikes.  To express opinion.  With respect.  With consideration.  But to actually think through their faith.  I desired that for my family.  But, I got to the place where I was in no shape to keep fighting for it.  I couldn't get what I needed and I also failed to get what they needed.
And now, this morning, I've been awake forever.  This SUNDAY morning.  Thinking of how going to church and seeing my kids there.  Just being with them.  Hearing them sing.  Seeing them give.  Seeing them grow.  Oh, I long for that.  But I don't get to have it.  And it makes me feel out of breath.  And I don't get to hear my friend sing harmony.  And close my eyes and know that I belong there with those people of God.  Oh, I know that I belong with people of God...but that particular branch, though so dear, so familiar, is no longer attached to me.  I did something.  I chose divorce.  And though I am more and more aware of how necessary it was, they don't understand.  And I don't feel like I should have to give them the gritty details.  I just feel like Ishould be loved.  Chosen.  Cared for.  That didn't happen.  I am realizing that though I love them, in order to protect themselves, they have had to push away.
So, it's a hard, crushingly sad day.  To face what is true.  To make choices based on what is true.
I must go to church to worship God...not to convince others that I am worthy.  Not to be seen.  I must go with the ability to give AND be given to.  And how sad it is that they have allowed me to fade quietly away and been satisfied with it being easier that way.  How sad it is that I didn't mean enough in their hearts for them to see the hell I must have lived through to get where I did.  And how very heartbreaking it is that I hold so little meaning to people that I have spent so long worshipping with.  Wow.  That still bows me away.  I know it happens all of the time.   People just disappear.  Everyone assumes that there's a reason.  Or that they are going to a different service, or whatever.  And that's why I need the more.  Why I need what I once had with those that are close to pray together, do life together.  I had that before.  I want it again.  I want to be a part of a world where people ACTUALLY feel it if I'm missing.  Actually notice...not because of attendance, but because they miss what I bring.
I had friends.  I thought that they were good friends.  Really, I did.  But, they are still friends.  They call each other.  They make plans.  They do things for church.  They are invited to Bible Studies and women's luncheons.  Many people are friends because of my hospitality.  That's pretty cool.  Many people were pulled in and included.  That's cool too.  I'm happy about that.  But, I can't keep trying to make myself a part of it anymore.  I have a friend that I call...she has called me back NEVER.  Another, I text, write to on facebook or call.  She doesn't initiate any calls, but she will respond.  She never invites me to do anything, but she will sometimes say yes if I ask her.  Some friends that I thought were friends just walk the other way.  Then there are the ones who sympathize and say we should get together but it's just that polite talk.  It's a little bit tough.  A lot.  My ex gets to stay with the old friends because he plays the part of a victim.  Because he wears his wedding ring and acts like he just doesn't know what happened.  Because it's acceptable to be divorced if it wasn't your fault.  After all, I filed the paperwork, so it's my fault.  And it is.  And I take responsibility.  And I take the consequences of my actions.  And I knew before I did it that this was a likely result.  Oh well.  Just going to keep on living.  Keep on loving.  Keep on praying.  Keep on hoping.  Keep on learning new things.  Keep on dreaming.  Keep on making mistakes.  Keep on reveling in the fact that even though this is painful....I'm still happier than I've been in years.  Not just happy...joyFULL.  And it's worth it.  Even though.....I wish I could have kept friends.  I like old friends.  Like my best pair of jeans.  Or tennies.  Or flannel shirt.  Comfy.  Familiar.
Yep.  It hurts.  A lot.  Grief.  Genuine and true.  It will come in waves and stages.  But life will move on.  It's just going to take time.  And learning that they just can't help it.  They are doing the best that they can.  They need to feel safe and insulated from the possible assault of divorce.  I get that.  But though I get it, it's still ok to wish that there were people in the world that it actually hurt them not seeing me or being with me at church as much as it hurts me not being there.  Know what I mean?
Ok.  On to this beautiful day.  And it is.   I've already seen two hours of it!  And I have only six days to get a LOT of work done.  Too bad I don't have all of those friends I used to have!!! ha.
blessings.

Church and Other Sticky Post Divorce Issues

Church.  I love the church.  The body.  The community.  The connection.  The relationship.  I love gathering to sing together to the One who breathes life.  Love it.  It is so integrated into who I am that I hardly even know how to part from it.  Not because of family tradition...because of my own longing....because Jesus found me and befriended me and changed my life.
But then....there was divorce.  And divorce is messy.  And troublesome.  And has two sides.  And those sides can be divisive.  And being united in one building is a bit....ok, a LOT....awkward.  And sometimes it is simply painful.  Beyond any feelings that I have, I have been praying about how to not divide people in the community and still be honest.  How to be me and tell my story without making people feel as if they are taking sides.  God has done a work in my life.  His work is as great and as ongoing as the story of someone who made it through.  It was hard.  And scary.  And IS hard and scary.  But there is no freedom to tell that story.  And....seriously...is..I won't be missed.  It's sad but true.  It's much because he is so active....and I became less so.  And while I long to go and be with those that are my family and whom I love, I am realizing slowly that it's not enough.  I want to actually be a part.  Not an outsider going in to soak up some of the spiritual connection.  Not someone that causes others to stumble because they see my not sitting with my ex.  Or not talking to him.  Or.....you name it.  I could definitely be a stumbling block.  I'm no longer a person that will be asked to lead a woman's retreat or such.  And I don't think that I want to work in the children's department since I do that five days a week.  I could teach a woman's class. Ha.  Not.  I'm  a woman AND I'm DIVORCED and my ex goes to the church.  Nope.  Don't think I'll be sought out for any kinds of things.  Not asked to be parts of Bible Study groups.  I even sought a couple out.  They sounded really interesting to me.  One was about telling our stories.  Oh my...RIGHT up my alley.
So...I guess it's time to pull on my big girl panties and find myself a church.  Maybe I'll just take my time.  Keep praying.  I'm not a good church hopper.  Totally against my introverted comfort level.  But I'm sure that it will come.
It's one of the hardest things I've had to face.  I've tried to push it away and deny it.  I've wished and cried that someone would say how much it means for me to be there.  I want to mean something.  To be a giver.  To have it matter that I'm present.  I should go somewhere where that is true.
And I'm terrified.  Alone is scary.  But, I've done it before.
Also, I have realized that though I have spent many years at this church, this has been the first time in my entire life that I didn't have a friend...or more...that I could just pray with.  For life events.  For others.  For people to come to Christ.  For forgiveness.  I barely have anyone that I can say that I've got issues and would like to have them pray for me even when I'm not with them, let alone sitting together to pray. And I used to just say, "can I go ahead and pray for you?"  I guess I got weary of being the initiator of such things in every part of my life.  Home and church.  Once my grandpa was gone, I really didn't have anyone to pray with.  But when I was i junior high, high school, college and graduated, I had women/girls that I prayed with.  Often for children.  For community.  For growth.  For wisdom.  To confess.  It was so good in my life.  I was vulnerable.  They were vulnerable.  It wasn't really that scary.  It was just....normal.  But then my life went whack after marriage.  I remember how surprised I was that I had to initiate praying.  Or reading the Bible together.  I loved my young adult life.  I had different friends that we would get out our Bibles or just talk about a verse or two an how God was using it in our lives.  Not during a Bible Study or anything formal...just day to day...as we sat walked and hung out.  I miss it.  Life got so horrific with so many other things that I forgot how desperately I longed for this for years.  That is just returning as I heal.
I'm pretty sure that if nobody calls me or really talks to me in my church then....well, we probably won't be having that kind of spiritual camaraderie. Sigh.  Big sigh.  Cry.  Whimper.  Wish.  Plead.
Whether I like it or not.  Whether it is fair or not.  He won the lottery and got "our" church.  I hope he knows how rich he is.
On other fronts, I have been separating belongings in our barn.  Tools and....well, you name it.  Seriously, it should be on an episode of hoarders.  As I began disassembling it this afternoon, I was so ashamed.  Wow. So much stuff. Squirreled away.  Old ceiling fans.  PVC galore.  nuts.  bolts.  screws.  pounds and pounds of them.  dirty boxes full of a menagerie of leftovers from various projects...all tossed together at the end.  I am putting together like tools to separate as fairly as possible and sell or give the kids the rest.
This too is hard.  I had to tell my kids how important some of the tools are to me because of the memory of my grandpa.  How some of them I wouldn't be willing to share with their dad because they remind me of times with my beloved grandpa.  They really got it.  I also told them that I would do my very best to be more than fair and kind.  I intend to do so.  But, I intend to box it up for my ex...all that he MIGHT want....then he can go through that and decide what to keep and what to dispose of.  I only have one week until the garage sale.  We have already filled nearly a third of a 30 yard3 dumpster.  It's huge.  Everyone laughed.  We just hope that it's big enough.  Really.
There are lots of sticky things.  But, I'm happy.  I'm going to be fine.  I'm way better than I was when I was married.  And, I can quietly have a little pity party now and then....and then move on.  Because life goes on.  And I have to change and adapt.  Just how it is.  I have a feeling I'll be a back row sitter and a quick leaver for awhile  But, in my time, I'll warm up somewhere.
blessings.

Filled

Breath fills my whole being.  Your breath, Father.  I breathe You in.  Great, gulping gasps of the freshness of You.  I have always remembered You.  And yet, put that deep connection with You aside in order to please You.  Somehow I was way off.  My desire had been to please You.  It appeared that I had to give up every ounce of who I was in order to do that.  And I kept trying.  Kept asking You.  Kept fighting to manage it.  To become someone who really had the great marriage.  I never wanted fake.  I wanted to honor You in all parts of our lives.  I wanted my family to serve You.  To KNOW You.  To honor You.  But it wasn't that way.  And yet, I was led to believe that submitting is the answer.  If I would only submit to my husband then You would honor that and make things right.  Yet......by doing so....I dishonored You.  And for that, I am responsible.  I come to You to thank You for showing me again, step by step, what it is to live move and have my being in You.  For being here.  Even though I thought that You might abandon me.  You are faithful though I fall apart.  You are faithful though I was willing to walk away even if You hated me.  Because I couldn't go any further struggling to be me...and being pushed to be someone else.  I couldn't live a life that belonged to someone else.  Except for You.  It has belonged to You.  You have given me breath and strength and power.  And though I am not just far from perfect, but often simply perfectly sinful....in thoughts and in deeds, in lack of doing in motivation...that has deterred You not.  You have pursued me.  ME.  Not just someone else that You wish I could be.  The genuine me that You know that I am no matter what is happening nor how I am behaving.  For that, I am so very thankful.  You have given me this time.  This healing time.  Genuine healing.  To the soul level.  Who would ever guess that spiritual awakening could come on the seat of a lawn tractor?  Yet, You meet me everywhere.  You startle me with Your powerful love.  You provide everything I need.  And You know me very well.  You know the needs of my very heart.  The deep places.  The need to connect.  The need to hear the answer, "yes."  And YOU do that.  For me.  I am so giddily, joyously thankful.  For You have not abandoned me.  Instead, You have filled me.  Given peace.  Hope.  Joy.  Love.  Lasting and strong.  They were there all of these years.  And I wanted so badly to share those parts of who I am with my spouse.  He rejected me.  He viewed me as irresponsible and weak.  You know that I am both of those things often.  Yet, You see my purpose in Your plan.  As You made me.  Thank You for this moment of clarity.  Of understanding just for an instant Your great love.
Thank You. Thank You.  Thank You.

Stifled

I didn't know how stifled I had been in my marriage.  I kind of did.  But, today, driving the riding lawn mower around that I had changed out the fuel line and fuel filter, jump started and got going....well, I had this vaguely familiar sensation from many years ago.  It was....freedom.  No, not because of divorce.  Deeper.  I was me.  Freely so.  I completed a hard task.  I made a mistake and had to redo something.  I didn't freak out, nor get discouraged.  I just kept at it until the mower ran.  And I remembered driving a similar lawn tractor in college at a farm called "World Hunger Relief".  I learned a lot there.  And I remembered how I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable nor to try things.  And I also....mourned.  I mourned that I allowed someone to take that sense of marvel and trying and completing and being successful away from me.  I never felt successful with my husband.  He didn't encourage who I was but picked at who I wasn't.  It's true...I'm not an awesome housekeeper.  But dammit, I can put a lawn mower back together.  I can fix a dishwasher.  I can break up concrete.  I can do stuff.  But he would never give me encouragement for the things I do well....because he wanted me to be someone else, so he would only "encourage" things that were of the type of person he wanted me to be.  You know.....psychology.
And I did it.  Though I longed to be encouraged in who I was.  For real.  Bottom line is that it meant that I couldn't be me around him and be enough.  Though, I was enough.  So it created this constant battle inside of me.  Knowing that I was enough.  But being treated as if I wasn't.  After awhile, I succumbed.  I knew...I wasn't enough.  It was evident.  No matter what I did, I wasn't enough
Turns out, I am enough.  Because the only person I am asked to be is ME.  Isn't that marvelous?
He stifled my growth.  My exploring.  My trying new things.  He had to be the center of kudos.  Of compliments.
But today, I remembered the girl that sat with her grandpa and learned stuff.  Who used a chain saw in middle school.  Who was shown how to fix things.  Who was allowed to sit on a stool in his shop while he worked and talked about what he was doing.  He never fussed if things weren't right the first time.  There was always room to fail....and try again.
And today I found that freedom again.  And I found how to be vulnerable with who I am again.  And it was exhilarating.  What a blessing.  What a beautiful and wonderful thing.....free.  Thanks God.  And...thanks grandpa for loving this girl who like fixing things and tinkering and thinking and getting a little dirty AND pretty dresses and high heels.  I am a person of opposites, I guess.  But to be happy, I need all of the pieces of me.  Someone doesn't get to come in and dictate which parts get to stay and which are less than desireable.  I am worth it.  If anyone really takes the time to find out.
blessings.

Change of View

Change of perspective occurs when we do something that shakes up our lives.  It's easy to get complacent or depressed or discouraged.  Everyone has so much baggage. and so much hurt.  and so many life experiences that require adapting and changing.  it's all so complex.  and it's easy to get bogged down.  pulled into a fatalistic or negative viewpoint.  easy to think that nothing will change.
and nothing will.  if we don't change.  the only thing i can possible change is me.  so, i rented a jackhammer and pounded the hell out of a thousand pounds of concrete.  and i tossed chunks of it into a dumpster.  and it seems meaningless, i know.   but it is healing for me.  i don't have to stay where i was when i was married.  i don't have to stay afraid.  i don't have to think that things can't be done.  god provides a way when i change my view and look at what is possible instead of focusing on the what ifs of the future and the hurts of the past.  not saying that i don't have to deal with them.  just saying that sometimes it's time to move along.  to change what i'm doing.  to make the life i want to have.  sometimes it's time to get the big ugly thing out of the way.  the thing you have been staring at and thinking is impossible for a very long time.
i felt like that when i filed for divorce.  like it just finally had to be done.  i had been working and trying and hoping and praying.  i had wanted it to work.  at all costs.  i had to change my mind.  not ALL costs.  not of hope.  or faith.  or thankfulness.  or safety.  i could give up so much.  but some things should be non negotiable.  self respect.  integrity.
today was a breakthrough day.  i knew it was coming way back when i was at the coast.  got back and there was so much to face and it felt so heavy.  and it is.  yet......today, i changed my perspective.  i listened to that whisper of hope.  i did the impossible thing.  the thing that i've been walking around.  ignoring.  trying not to see.  i moved my mountain.  no, silly, not on my own.  on my own, anyone will tell you, i'm wimpy.  i hurt.  a lot.  beyond words.  but god showed me yet again that he is enough.  always.  in every way.  never a need he can't meet.  never a job that he can't complete.  even with me.
i even asked someone to help me with my rider mower today.  i think i like this girl.  i know i do.  she had to go away for so long.
welcome back, sweetie....feel free to stay around.  you are loved...and accepted....and i promise to do a much better job of taking care of you.
blessings.

determination

a friend called me determined awhile back.  it wasn't exactly a compliment.  it was used synonymously with stubborn.  and there was a time when i had become stubborn.  stubborn i want to banish.  but determined.....that, i want to keep.  how are they not the same?  stubborn has to do with having to be right.  determined has to do with getting a thing done....a job or an attitude, it doesn't matter.
i am determined.  I determined many years ago not to allow my childhood to define me.  i was only yet a child when i made that choice.  i never limited my thoughts of what i could do or what i could be based on the fact that i came from a broken home, had been abandoned by my father, my mother had died and my step mother gave up on me.  the grandfather with whom i ended up living hated my father.  life was difficult.  at times horrible.  and at a point, ending it seemed best.  but god provided.  strength.  hope.  vision.  dreams.  and a way.  always a way.
and so i have held onto that all of my life.  there's always a way.  and if he says no to something then there's something even better.  i have no reason to fear.  i can move confidently.  i can make mistakes.  i can go the wrong way.  i can mess up.  i can ace it.  it doesn't matter.  it is all for his glory.  all for his plan.  he is about doing amazing things if i but determine that he really is able.  even jack hammering.
this has been way hard.  oh my goodness.  it's heavy.  but you know what?  i figured out how to put in the bit.  i showed two of my kids how to do it safely.  i took my turns.  yes, my wings flapped gloriously.  but i did it anyway.  and i prayed.  and am praying.  we have done the top piece.  have the bottom piece to do after we toss the remains into the dumpster that shall arrive.  yes, i decided.  rent a dumpster.  clean up.  tidy up.  make this property a place that i'm proud of.  get rid of the garbage.  get rid of the fact that the ex packed stuff everywhere.  never allowed to just part with something.  to be done using it.  had to squirrel it away.  i want to have a new attitude.  not frivolous.  but to use what i need in the now and to trust that god will provide what i'll need in the future.  period.  to give.  to let go.  to see that others have needs.
i am determined to live my life differently.  i have had 20 years of a life that i was not happy with.  that i felt convicted about.  praying only for needs.  not thankful.  or thankful in order to get things.  i am so deeply grateful.  deep in my soul.  i've been given life.  my prayer to make it through to see my kids growing up has been answered.  i work.  i have food to eat.  i have people to love.  i have flowers.  i have a bed to rest upon.  i have grass to mow.  i have a computer.  i have an education.  i have hope.  and i am determined to be more and more thankful.
i have been whining lately.  trying to say how badly i feel about how my ex treats me.  but it doesn't do much except for make me look small and petty.  and it makes others uncomfortable.  i need to remember that he does not keep me from doing anything.  only i can do that.  i choose who to be, how to be and what to do.  i want to do so wisely.  with determination.
fierce, fearless, loving, kind determination.
blessings.

All in

Taking a bit of the elephant.  Diving in.  Jumping feet first.  Committed.  Got the paperwork done to get the dumpster delivered and went and picked up a jackhammer.  Gonna take out the thing that always stands in the way of getting the job done.  Tired of always seeing why it can't be done.  That's how it was in my marriage.  Everything was too hard unless I found solutions.  And then I had to hear why they wouldn't work.  And it troubles me that I've picked up that habit.  I am not that person.  I refuse.  There's a way to get this job done.  Not an easy way, but a way.  So, without holding back, gonna get it done.  It's only a small piece of the huge amount of work...and yet it stands in our front drive, a pile of cement sidewalk pieces left for years.  No more.  Nope.
And, that trim work and dry wall that has needed done for years that I begged...said how important it was to me?  I'm going to hire it done.  Somehow it's going to get done.
Maybe not all at once.
But a bite at a time.  After all, that's how you eat anything.  Including and elephant.
blessings.

hope

i love hope.  i woke up this morning sensing it's nudge.  it's little tug.  it's whisper, "it's time."  and i opened my eyes.  i expected to feel the heavy weight of the previous days, but it has lifted.  because i've chosen hope.  and hope does not disappoint.  hope lingers when circumstances change.  it doesn't dine and dash.  it stays on.  drawing me out of the place of pain.  of sad.  of alone.  hope reminds me of love.  of strength.  of power.  hope lifts me from my self and puts me with god's heart.  in a place where anything.  absolutely, positively anything is possible.  hope infiltrates my dreams.  hope gives way to joy.
doesn't mean life got easier or that anything about this.  doesn't mean that anyone showed up and said, "hey, i can help with that."  it just means that hope gives the strength to dream and see things that aren't there yet.  and though i don't know how i'll do it, i know that i will.
blessings

Looking at the new

Been doing some online browsing for new furniture.  For things that I might like....that still fit a lifestyle of dogs and kids.  But, it has helped me to look around at what I should get rid of.
And talking.  Talking with the kids about doing things differently.  Getting rid.  Tossing.  Keeping the memories and getting rid of the rest.  It's a huge, emotionally draining, painful process.  But it's also healing.
Eventually the van will be out of my driveway.  Not a daily reminder that it kept being a problem.....that he wouldn't solve.  That was a bad time.  He let me drive something that was less than safe.  That makes me feel sad.  It took me a long time to realize how much that hurt me.
And his stuff will be out of the barn.  Or my stuff that he is taking.  Funny...he came to the marriage with very little.  His family didn't give him stuff.  My grandpa did.  And then when my grandpa died, I got more.  And when grandma died...even more.  His mom gave us a footstool.  Which she took back when she decided that we weren't using it properly.  She gave him his dresser.  Said that if we didn't want it anymore, we should give it back to her. He has that.....
Looking around to get rid of is very freeing feeling.  It just takes a lot of time to figure it out.  To see with new eyes.  So used to having to hold on to everything.  Not anymore.
Talked to the kids about having a really cheap garage sale.  A dollar sale or something like that.  They are receptive.  It's hard work.  They know that.  But..they are being kind.
I am hesitantly excited.
Moving on.