Spending time at the beach has allowed lots of time of prayer.....which may look like beach napping. And, sometimes IS beach napping. The beach is my time to get back in sync. It's an evaluation time. It's full of lots of deep thinking. Going through it consumes a lot of energy. A lot of emotional stuff is inside. It's good to have time for God to go through it and separate what should remain, what should be discarded...and what just needs to be changed.
I have come to a place of realizing that I have not cultivated relationships that reach out to me. I do a lot of calling, texting, emailing, making conversation. And yet, I say that I have good friends. I like a lot of people. Love them too. But somehow, I have not nurtured that. Or perhaps just don't warrant that place in anyone's life. Or...maybe it's the divorce. Maybe it's just time to do as one friend said awhile back. Time to make new friends. It hurt me then. I don't like the idea of having to make new friends. I like the idea of keeping the lovely people that I have known and done life with for nearly two decades. But I do kind of think that it would feel good to have someone call me just to see how I'm doing. Or seek me out just to be with me. Not because there's something needed or anything...just because. I haven't done a good job. I'm not sure that I know how anymore. I lowered my expectations while I was married. I gave up a tremendous amount. Friend from the past went by the wayside as my exes family took over all of our vacations. Never time. I thought that's what I should do. Now...I know differently. But I'm not sure that I have what it takes to have anyone want to seek me out anymore.
Because I am frail. My soul feels like it was literally torn. What a difficulty. There's nobody to tell. There's nobody to ask. I just feel as if I became nobody. And that's how people view me.
And though I am changing....I can't expect others to realize it. And it's not like I'm just going to run up to them and say, look at what God is doing...I'm getting more whole...I might be worth your time. ;) Not so much.
So, I will wait. I will pray. I will grow. I will look for who I am supposed to be and be that. And I will choose to be happy. Even if I never have that fulfilling kind of relationship where I'm important enough to them to want to be with...for no reason at all. I want to be that kind of person, but evidence suggests I am not. There's a place for growth!
I also have realized again how deeply God loves. How completely. And how He is enough. And the fact that I'm not is ok. He doesn't mind. And He more than sees my hurt. He feels it.
I will miss the beach. It soothes. Calls. Centers.
I will never have extended family of my own. I will always be an addendum. But for those who may choose, they will find me loyal. They will know that I love deeply. Fiercely. For those who don't, I wish I could show it. But it's hard for me. Really hard.
Good times have been had here at the beach. Progress has been made in my heart. It's a happy thing. I'm not finished yet.
blessings.
I have come to a place of realizing that I have not cultivated relationships that reach out to me. I do a lot of calling, texting, emailing, making conversation. And yet, I say that I have good friends. I like a lot of people. Love them too. But somehow, I have not nurtured that. Or perhaps just don't warrant that place in anyone's life. Or...maybe it's the divorce. Maybe it's just time to do as one friend said awhile back. Time to make new friends. It hurt me then. I don't like the idea of having to make new friends. I like the idea of keeping the lovely people that I have known and done life with for nearly two decades. But I do kind of think that it would feel good to have someone call me just to see how I'm doing. Or seek me out just to be with me. Not because there's something needed or anything...just because. I haven't done a good job. I'm not sure that I know how anymore. I lowered my expectations while I was married. I gave up a tremendous amount. Friend from the past went by the wayside as my exes family took over all of our vacations. Never time. I thought that's what I should do. Now...I know differently. But I'm not sure that I have what it takes to have anyone want to seek me out anymore.
Because I am frail. My soul feels like it was literally torn. What a difficulty. There's nobody to tell. There's nobody to ask. I just feel as if I became nobody. And that's how people view me.
And though I am changing....I can't expect others to realize it. And it's not like I'm just going to run up to them and say, look at what God is doing...I'm getting more whole...I might be worth your time. ;) Not so much.
So, I will wait. I will pray. I will grow. I will look for who I am supposed to be and be that. And I will choose to be happy. Even if I never have that fulfilling kind of relationship where I'm important enough to them to want to be with...for no reason at all. I want to be that kind of person, but evidence suggests I am not. There's a place for growth!
I also have realized again how deeply God loves. How completely. And how He is enough. And the fact that I'm not is ok. He doesn't mind. And He more than sees my hurt. He feels it.
I will miss the beach. It soothes. Calls. Centers.
I will never have extended family of my own. I will always be an addendum. But for those who may choose, they will find me loyal. They will know that I love deeply. Fiercely. For those who don't, I wish I could show it. But it's hard for me. Really hard.
Good times have been had here at the beach. Progress has been made in my heart. It's a happy thing. I'm not finished yet.
blessings.
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