I've got this

Well.  Here I am.  Still alive.  Went to the movie.  Ate like a pig.  Laughed.  Alone.  Yes.  The kids behind me (in the R rated movie) laughed at me.  And I didn't care.  Because being alone wasn't my hurdle.  Getting over not being a part of something...of a group, sisters, friends...whatever....THAT was my hurdle.  Just grabbing it by the balls and going, "oh well, I've got to keep on going anyway."  I am going to be me.  I like alone.  I have worked so hard for so long making other people comfortable and helping and including.  Man, I used to have dozens of people in my home.  Yet, I find myself in this place where people barely even talk to me.  Certainly don't take the time to know me or find out about me.  Don't ask me to do things.  And seriously, I'm just done with not getting a straight answer when they are invited to do something with me.  I asked people to my son's bday party and some didn't even answer....and it was on facebook messaging, so I KNOW that they read it!!  So, I did it at his party...just did the party.  Did the family stuff afterwards.  I am going to just learn to take the no's and deal with the non answers.  And maybe that should be by just backing off and letting people off of the hook.  I cried all the way to the movie.  I barely held it together ordering popcorn.  I had wanted to go with friends all summer to a stupid movie.  I just feel.......like an idiot.  I feel like I am such a moron that I haven't moved on and just let go.  I need to let them move on.  Even if you care about people, it's dumb trying to hang on to what you wish was.  It has been like I couldn't stand any more loss.  But.....pretending it's not there doesn't make it so.  It just hurts more.  So.  Reality.
Enjoy what is.  Learn to be truthful to myself about what isn't.  Instead of wishing, hoping, believing, thinking that things are something they aren't.
I'm NOT a moron.  I FEEL like a moron.  I'm smarter than this.  And I'm stronger.  And I'm worth more.  Though I don't behave as if I am.
Nobody is coming running after me.  Nobody is losing sleep over my life.  Nobody is staying up praying for me.  Nobody really sees me.  But I DO.  And I will take care of me.  I will no longer allow me to be forgotten, ignored or hurt by being an after thought.
When it gets to the point that your friends are always busy or not sure or hesitate or absent....it's time to back off and grow up.  And just let go.  Easier said than done.  Much like with kids growing up.  I know it has to happen...but it's an ache.  But just how it has to be.
I have to keep on trying this giving up thing.  I'm pretty lousy at it.  I always believe.  Even when the facts are right there.  Silly me.  And yet, it's something I like about me.  I like that I'm loyal.  That I trust.  Even when it tears at my soul.
I did it.  And I'll get up tomorrow and do the day.  On my own again.  And the next day.
And I'll plan for my future.
And I'll do good.  And love.  And give.
But I will not continue trying to get people to be my friend.  I'm done doing that.  It makes me feel like crap.  Instead.....I'll just take deep breaths.  I'll pray.  I'll cry.  I'll laugh.  I'll take care of me.  And I'll do my job well.  So that one day I can have a great recommendation to get my job at the coast.  And I will go to the coast.  And I won't be afraid, because I'll know that I can do it. Because I've made it through this last year.  And the long married years.  I can do it.
Off I go to prove it.
blessings.