a whole new world

you shall know the truth.  and the truth will set you free.
what an awesome, amazing truth those words are.  it's so easy in life to live what we wish.  what we pretend.  what we think should be.  but when we look at what is genuine.  what is real.  what is true.  what is absolutely what is and not what we want to believe.  well, it's kind of painful.  ok, really painful.  and really freeing.  because we no longer have to keep trying to make up the difference between fantasy and reality.  finally, what is real simply is and what we want is not necessarily.....and that leads to growth and learning and change.
i have had a big year and a half.  getting ready to celebrate my non anniversary soon.  so glad to have a non anniversary.  relieved.
i like my life.  i like the people that are in my life.  no matter how that looks.  there are people that i choose to love and to have as a part of my life.  it's true that my extended family is non existent.  family is more than blood.  it's caring and showing up.  it's true that i wish that i'd done a better job over the years of cultivating friends.  of being visible.  but i couldn't be both the wife that i was supposed to be and genuine.  because i was supposed to support and believe in my husband.  i was supposed to make the best of what was.  and i did that to the best of my ability.  and every time i tried to say something else, i got back the canned message that if i were only to submit more, to give more, to listen more, to pray more.....then all would be right in my world.  imagine what a failure i felt like day after day.  as i tried.  as i gave up hopes.  as i let go of the idea that there would be a spiritual basis in my family.  as i quit having dinner together because he never came when he said he would.  ever.  it became a joke.  but it wasn't funny.  as i gave up ever really having a home that brought me joy.  in the midst of all of that pain, it wasn't a place that anyone walked with me.  so, now, i need to be aware that they are reeling.  that they don't understand how needy i might be.  that it's not personal.  it's just like it was in some ways.  if i want a relationship i have to do the work.
but i'm tired of doing all of the trying.  asking.  searching.  wanting.
i'm tired of not being wanted enough to not be an inconvenience when i'm not helpful but needy.
and i'm not whining.
i find this realization freeing.
i don't have to try to get people to want to be with me.  that's their choice.
and it doesn't mean that i'm bad.
it just means it's not something they want to give or are able to give right now.
it doesn't have to change how i feel. it just has to change how i behave.
i have to just live anyway.  not giving up what i want to do or accomplish.  even if others don't show.
a little at a time.
emotionally working through.
praying.
hoping to not be a burden anymore.
i don't need to be tolerated.
i don't need pity.
i need to be cherished.
treasured.
i need to be seen without me even trying to be.
and if i'm not....then i'm just going to be content to be as i am now.
i choose peace.
joy.
love.
i choose that i will love fully.
not demand.
nor expect
what others can't give genuinely.
i want real.
it's a whole new world.
it's good.
very good.
blessings.