on the list

i never again have to remove the van seats.  it was hard.
i never again have to work around the non working fridge.  it is gone.
i never again have to move the mounds and mounds of newspapers that he accumulated and kept in non plastic, non sealed places in the barn/loft.  they are trashed/recycled.
i never again have to listen to him put the bank statement on speaker phone when we went to bed and hear every bit of money that went through in the last week.  never.  and then try to sleep....
i never again have to go to sleep crying because of how he treated me during sex.   nope.  never.
i never again have to wonder where he took my tools.
i never again have to wonder if he is going to want something....taking care of that THIS WEEK.
(makes for a crazy big week but worth every sweaty, dirty moment and every tear i've shed.)
i never again have to ask or beg for something and wait and wait....not nagging.  trying just to wait............
i never have to stay in a relationship where i am a constant disappointment.
i never have to keep so much stuff that there's not enough space with a 3000 ft2 house, a barn, loft and shed.  i never again have to worry about when to have that garage sale!
i never again have to try to figure out what to do with those cement piles.
i never again have to cry that i have to do this all alone, cuz i never again have to do this!!!
i never again have to fake being happy in a marriage that was broken
i never have to ask to get the tiller fixed.
i never have to ask to plant flowers.  or to make a garden.  or to make a sitting area.
i never have to think, "wow, he doesn't even know THAT about me."
i never have to be that loneliest kind of lonely that comes from being with someone that makes you feel small.
i never have to try to keep the peace by giving in or keeping silent so that days aren't ruined.
i never again have to endure his mother treating me so horribly and having him support that.
i never again have to watch him act differently to others and gain their respect while doing nothing to gain mine.
i never again have to pray to be anyone but me so that my marriage will last.
i never again have to wish that i could just die so that maybe he would finally be happy.....because he certainly wasn't happy with me.
i never again have to work every day to try to please and find that it never will work.  ever.
life was so very hard.  i lived through very much.  and this week is kind of like a culmination of getting rid of stuff.
i've been whiney.   really, i've just been hurting so deeply.  too deeply to try to describe.  so i just talk about the work of the week.  but boy, it has kicked my ass.
back at it.  because i will kick right back!  i am getting through this.  yes.  i.  am..
and though none go with me, i'll walk alone.  because i'd rather do this than spend one more minute being troubled and surrounded by the very unhappy married past.  too much for too long.  time to move forward by purging the stuff.  it helps to get his claws out of me.  if i don't have his stuff, he can't have as many ins.
happy.  though struggling.
blessings.