I feel...

I am happy.
And yet.
I feel like I must be relationally challenged.
Like I'm the kid that's not invited.
Or just a little....."different".
I feel like people talk about my ex like they can't believe I would give him up.  And about how nice he is.  How likable.
And I feel.....sad.
I don't feel like I'm a chosen person in anyone's life.
You know, the person that they reach out to just because.
I feel like I'm a person for if you need something.
I seriously never get called just to check in.
Other people get invites.
And posts on facebook about hanlging out.
Other people are....normal?
Yet, I'm happy.
And sad.
All at once.  Weird but true.
The thing is this:  I am content with my own company.  Being a bit of a hermit often suits me just fine.  There are only a few in the world that it's not a chore for me to be together.....where I have to put on my extrovert suit and work hard.
So being on my own is pretty good
I found a job in the town that I fell in love with.  About fifteen students per class.  Private school.  It seems like a good fit.
I know it's not time yet.  I need to give my daughter time to graduate.
But I guess I'm ready to go in some ways.
Sometimes it's simply because it hurts to be in a place that I've lived so very long and have no sense of being missed at all.  At my church.  With my friends.
I disappeared.  It didn't matter.
I want to live differently.
That's hard to do when I've allowed myself to be a shadow for so long.
It's not that I want to be popular.  Nor a party girl.
I like qt.
I just want....
to be known.
to be missed.
to be treasured for who I am.
and I want to be with people who bother to say so.
I want to matter.
I know that I do to my kids.
But they will be leaving soon.
I want to matter to my peers.
I want to have people who feel about me the way I've felt about others.
I remember.
And then I remember....
I might just blow it.
again.
But I might not.
And I know me.
I am worth caring about.
And now that I've begun caring about me again...that is a good start.
I feel courageous.
Because these feelings are hard to admit.
Harder still to deal with honestly with myself.
I am not looking for romance.
Not looking for popularity.
I'm not looking for a huge social life.
I'm looking for someone who enjoys me....
not just people I enjoy.
I enjoy pretty easily.
I am looking for tranquility.
A place to write.
I am looking to be important enough
that I'm noticed
that I'm called
that I get invited
that I'm not shocked when someone says yes if I ask.
I lived a long time not mattering
having little importance
not being seen
Though it's familiar
it's not what I want for the rest of my life.
I choose different.
I will pursue that.
But for now?
For now I will just learn to like being just me.
blessings.