On my lawn mower the other day, along with my spiritual awakening came the deep understanding of how I had been crushed. How dreams and hopes and faith had been squashed. How the very essence of hope was snuffed. And I was horrified at how it had happened to me. And then I was exponentially horrified when I realized what had happened to my kids. I look and I see what wonderful people they are. But wounded too. They too have been crushed by their dad's inability to connect nor give positive feedback on dreams and hopes. They were not nurtured in their areas of vision. Oh, they have done ok. And I have tried. But, they didn't get what they should have. They weren't told that faith in the living God moves mountains. They don't have to do it. They just have to live the life they are called to. No matter how crazy wild it seems or sounds. Remember Noah? The dude built a boat in the middle of a desert! Remember Peter walking on water? They didn't get the dialogue that I desired about spiritual things because it always had to come down to being right or wrong. dialogue is about letting them talk it out. Feel out their ideas and thoughts. I am glad that my ex isn't here now for that reason. It has been giving them a chance to see who they really are. To have likes and dislikes. To express opinion. With respect. With consideration. But to actually think through their faith. I desired that for my family. But, I got to the place where I was in no shape to keep fighting for it. I couldn't get what I needed and I also failed to get what they needed.
And now, this morning, I've been awake forever. This SUNDAY morning. Thinking of how going to church and seeing my kids there. Just being with them. Hearing them sing. Seeing them give. Seeing them grow. Oh, I long for that. But I don't get to have it. And it makes me feel out of breath. And I don't get to hear my friend sing harmony. And close my eyes and know that I belong there with those people of God. Oh, I know that I belong with people of God...but that particular branch, though so dear, so familiar, is no longer attached to me. I did something. I chose divorce. And though I am more and more aware of how necessary it was, they don't understand. And I don't feel like I should have to give them the gritty details. I just feel like Ishould be loved. Chosen. Cared for. That didn't happen. I am realizing that though I love them, in order to protect themselves, they have had to push away.
So, it's a hard, crushingly sad day. To face what is true. To make choices based on what is true.
I must go to church to worship God...not to convince others that I am worthy. Not to be seen. I must go with the ability to give AND be given to. And how sad it is that they have allowed me to fade quietly away and been satisfied with it being easier that way. How sad it is that I didn't mean enough in their hearts for them to see the hell I must have lived through to get where I did. And how very heartbreaking it is that I hold so little meaning to people that I have spent so long worshipping with. Wow. That still bows me away. I know it happens all of the time. People just disappear. Everyone assumes that there's a reason. Or that they are going to a different service, or whatever. And that's why I need the more. Why I need what I once had with those that are close to pray together, do life together. I had that before. I want it again. I want to be a part of a world where people ACTUALLY feel it if I'm missing. Actually notice...not because of attendance, but because they miss what I bring.
I had friends. I thought that they were good friends. Really, I did. But, they are still friends. They call each other. They make plans. They do things for church. They are invited to Bible Studies and women's luncheons. Many people are friends because of my hospitality. That's pretty cool. Many people were pulled in and included. That's cool too. I'm happy about that. But, I can't keep trying to make myself a part of it anymore. I have a friend that I call...she has called me back NEVER. Another, I text, write to on facebook or call. She doesn't initiate any calls, but she will respond. She never invites me to do anything, but she will sometimes say yes if I ask her. Some friends that I thought were friends just walk the other way. Then there are the ones who sympathize and say we should get together but it's just that polite talk. It's a little bit tough. A lot. My ex gets to stay with the old friends because he plays the part of a victim. Because he wears his wedding ring and acts like he just doesn't know what happened. Because it's acceptable to be divorced if it wasn't your fault. After all, I filed the paperwork, so it's my fault. And it is. And I take responsibility. And I take the consequences of my actions. And I knew before I did it that this was a likely result. Oh well. Just going to keep on living. Keep on loving. Keep on praying. Keep on hoping. Keep on learning new things. Keep on dreaming. Keep on making mistakes. Keep on reveling in the fact that even though this is painful....I'm still happier than I've been in years. Not just happy...joyFULL. And it's worth it. Even though.....I wish I could have kept friends. I like old friends. Like my best pair of jeans. Or tennies. Or flannel shirt. Comfy. Familiar.
Yep. It hurts. A lot. Grief. Genuine and true. It will come in waves and stages. But life will move on. It's just going to take time. And learning that they just can't help it. They are doing the best that they can. They need to feel safe and insulated from the possible assault of divorce. I get that. But though I get it, it's still ok to wish that there were people in the world that it actually hurt them not seeing me or being with me at church as much as it hurts me not being there. Know what I mean?
Ok. On to this beautiful day. And it is. I've already seen two hours of it! And I have only six days to get a LOT of work done. Too bad I don't have all of those friends I used to have!!! ha.
blessings.
And now, this morning, I've been awake forever. This SUNDAY morning. Thinking of how going to church and seeing my kids there. Just being with them. Hearing them sing. Seeing them give. Seeing them grow. Oh, I long for that. But I don't get to have it. And it makes me feel out of breath. And I don't get to hear my friend sing harmony. And close my eyes and know that I belong there with those people of God. Oh, I know that I belong with people of God...but that particular branch, though so dear, so familiar, is no longer attached to me. I did something. I chose divorce. And though I am more and more aware of how necessary it was, they don't understand. And I don't feel like I should have to give them the gritty details. I just feel like Ishould be loved. Chosen. Cared for. That didn't happen. I am realizing that though I love them, in order to protect themselves, they have had to push away.
So, it's a hard, crushingly sad day. To face what is true. To make choices based on what is true.
I must go to church to worship God...not to convince others that I am worthy. Not to be seen. I must go with the ability to give AND be given to. And how sad it is that they have allowed me to fade quietly away and been satisfied with it being easier that way. How sad it is that I didn't mean enough in their hearts for them to see the hell I must have lived through to get where I did. And how very heartbreaking it is that I hold so little meaning to people that I have spent so long worshipping with. Wow. That still bows me away. I know it happens all of the time. People just disappear. Everyone assumes that there's a reason. Or that they are going to a different service, or whatever. And that's why I need the more. Why I need what I once had with those that are close to pray together, do life together. I had that before. I want it again. I want to be a part of a world where people ACTUALLY feel it if I'm missing. Actually notice...not because of attendance, but because they miss what I bring.
I had friends. I thought that they were good friends. Really, I did. But, they are still friends. They call each other. They make plans. They do things for church. They are invited to Bible Studies and women's luncheons. Many people are friends because of my hospitality. That's pretty cool. Many people were pulled in and included. That's cool too. I'm happy about that. But, I can't keep trying to make myself a part of it anymore. I have a friend that I call...she has called me back NEVER. Another, I text, write to on facebook or call. She doesn't initiate any calls, but she will respond. She never invites me to do anything, but she will sometimes say yes if I ask her. Some friends that I thought were friends just walk the other way. Then there are the ones who sympathize and say we should get together but it's just that polite talk. It's a little bit tough. A lot. My ex gets to stay with the old friends because he plays the part of a victim. Because he wears his wedding ring and acts like he just doesn't know what happened. Because it's acceptable to be divorced if it wasn't your fault. After all, I filed the paperwork, so it's my fault. And it is. And I take responsibility. And I take the consequences of my actions. And I knew before I did it that this was a likely result. Oh well. Just going to keep on living. Keep on loving. Keep on praying. Keep on hoping. Keep on learning new things. Keep on dreaming. Keep on making mistakes. Keep on reveling in the fact that even though this is painful....I'm still happier than I've been in years. Not just happy...joyFULL. And it's worth it. Even though.....I wish I could have kept friends. I like old friends. Like my best pair of jeans. Or tennies. Or flannel shirt. Comfy. Familiar.
Yep. It hurts. A lot. Grief. Genuine and true. It will come in waves and stages. But life will move on. It's just going to take time. And learning that they just can't help it. They are doing the best that they can. They need to feel safe and insulated from the possible assault of divorce. I get that. But though I get it, it's still ok to wish that there were people in the world that it actually hurt them not seeing me or being with me at church as much as it hurts me not being there. Know what I mean?
Ok. On to this beautiful day. And it is. I've already seen two hours of it! And I have only six days to get a LOT of work done. Too bad I don't have all of those friends I used to have!!! ha.
blessings.
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