Looks Like I've Made It

I spent the evening solo.  Kids didn't want to go to a block party with live music here at the beach.  I wanted to check it out.  I meandered the neighborhood until dark.  Listening.  Going by.  Enjoying the beach.  Everyone was with someone.  With friends.  With spouses.  The kids were all hanging out and riding bikes.  I was completely alone.  And I wasn't one of those people that they were looking for coming down the street. I took my photos of the beach.  Watched fireworks.  Eventually, after it was dark, I found a quiet pole to stand against...across the street...and I listened.  It was nice to be there though I wasn't really a part.  I made it. I forced myself to go.  I remember this night that these girlfriends and I went to a restaurant that had a dance night.  They all danced together.  It was fun.  I don't really have that in my life.  Mostly because I am not that.  I don't find it easy to overcome my deep sense of discomfort at being the center of anything.
My own kids didn't want to go.  They are to that age.  Own activities.  Own lives.  But I made myself go.  Forced myself.  To see if I could.  If I'm going to live someplace, I'm going to have to get out of the house sometimes.  It takes me time.  I just have to be patient with myself when things are new.  I like to be on the edge.  I'm not the extrovert that is right down front in the middle.  I'm more of an observer.
And though it doesn't seem like much, I did it.  With courage.  Though for someone else it would be silly.  And I am ok sitting in the background.  And I don't feel a need to talk to every living soul.  Or...any, if I don't feel like it.  It's ok to be quiet.  It's ok to be friends with a few.  Or to be between the few.  If I were to move, it would be that way.
But I've made it this far.  To the point of learning that I can be comfortable with how I am.  That I'm not rude or distant.  I am simply slow to warm up.  I have trouble sharing my thoughts.  So deep they are.  I don't know how to put them to words for people.  And, frankly, I've learned that mostly people prefer less depth. Complexity makes people shy away.
But, I've made it.  And I plan to make it further.  As me.  Just me.  Introverted.  Unsure.  Not easy to know. But really worth knowing for those who decide to take the time.  If they aren't willing to take the time now then they certainly won't be willing to wait for me to be able to speak later on.  It's really hard for me.
But that's ok.  I like me.  Though it's hard.  And though I feel not so lovable.  I just have to be ok with me.
blessings.