weather

weather is beautiful.  snow softly coming down. or heavily blanketing the trees and yard.  rain whooshing and plinking and pattering.  sunshine consuming and soaking into the very soul.  i realize that i like it all.
frankly, i'm not that fond of being out in snow.  in the frigid weather.  but i love seeing it.  and tonight, whether it snows much and gives a slow down to life or snows little and simply gives us a bit of beauty, i realize that it makes me happy to see the snow.  it makes the world so quiet.  and so bright.  each snowflake is so lovely.  and together, they are more brilliant than diamonds.
i looked outside and my heart filled.  with love for the One that gives all good gifts.
life has been incredibly difficult as of late.  and yet...somehow more beautiful than ever.  i have had a shift of focus.  a choosing of what to see.  what to value.
i have moments where i have that sense of being totally invisible in the world.  unneeded.  unappreciated.  and yet, there's so much to value in this world.  so much to be amazed by.  and i guess that though i may be passed over.  though i may be mostly ignored.  all of that kind of fades when i look at the amazing beauty that is offered to me each and every day.  wow.  fabulous.
yes, i enjoy it mostly in a solitary fashion.  that's ok.  i'm me.  i actually do see it.  i actually do take pleasure from it.
and...it helps to heal me.
because i am horribly wounded.  and though i've healed much, i still have the pains.  the scars.  the places that need salve.  and i don't always get much tlc.  so....the beauty is good medicine.  a reminder.  of good.  of love.  of hope.  of being cared for.
somehow, i'm going to get through this time in life.  and i'm actually going to be me while doing it.  and that means that some people are going to...run away.  and i have to let that happen. can't control it.  and it's foolish to try to behave in a manner that makes them want to stay.
can't control the weather, but can enjoy the beauty.  can't control life, but can enjoy the beauty.
blessings.

shocker

yesterday i had a shocker. i realized something.  had an epiphany.  and it is working magic in my heart.  you see, i like to encourage.  saying the important things matter to me.  but i had become reticent.  because people view me as odd.  strange.  different.
and yesterday i was thinking about how it would feel if it were my last day. or someone else's last day.  what would i bother to say?
i also realized that a part of my self is that i evaluate things....did it help?  did it make a difference?  did it change a life? did it make it better?  what i did.  what I said. how i behaved. and i judge my life.  the meaning of my life. based on that. to make better.  in some way.  or ways.
if i like someone, i should say so.  whenever i think of it.  if i think something good about someone, i should speak it...or write it.  if i see something wonderful about someone, i should share it.  if i think a hug is in order, i should give it.
sure, they might think i'm weird.  crazy girl is so...sensitive.  so....mushy.  so....different.
but if the worst thing i am known for in this world is wanting to cause good....wanting to uplift....saying the obvious.....wearing my heart on my sleeve...well, it's ok. i'm willing to be the fool.  with no response.  if people think that i'm weird or strange because i say that i like them, love them, enjoy them, think that they are fabulous...well, i guess that they can get over it.  or not.  but i don't want to stop.  i don't want to have regrets.  people don't hear enough how much they are cared for.  so..i'll be me.
i'll be who i've always been.
yes, it's probably socially awkward.  don't really care.  i've seen it change lives in these last weeks.  it's worth it.  even though i'm different.
blessings.

venus

i glanced up on my way out to start the car on this 10 degree morning.  in that moment, i glimpsed venus rising.  it was the brightest i've seen it for a long time.  twinkling in the frigid, dark morning trying to be.  the sun was causing a small wave of orange on the farthest horizon, barely visible, hemmed in by the indigo of the sky...and there it was.  shining.  brilliant.  framed by the branches of two sleeping trees.  and i stopped.
stopped.
in my tracks.
completely still.
standing in snow.
and i took a deep breath.
breathing in the beauty.
taking the time to truly appreciate it.
to be thankful for it.
gorgeous.
loved it.
was blessed by it.
thankful.
blessings.

Good Morning

I shall go out with joy
and be led forth with peace
the mountains and the hills
will break forth before me
there will be shouts of joy
and all the trees of the field will clap
will clap
their hands.

A picture of faith.
Of living a life that is full of who I am supposed to be.
Being uniquely me.
And God....chooses that for me.
But I choose fitting in.
I choose trying to make things good.
But what if.
What if I simply go forth with joy?
What if I walk in peace?
What if I expect problems to melt away as I work away?
What if I listen carefully to hear the joyful shouts...which sometimes seem like whispers...
instead of the criticism?
What if I learn to hear the applause?
Maybe I could.
Just for today, at least.

I've been doing well.
It's a hard battle to create a beautiful life.
People like miserable people better.
Drawn to them.
But I choose happy.

So today, I'm going forth with joy.

Let you know how it goes.
blessings.

life sentence

we all have a life sentence.  it may be long or short.  but every one is sentenced to the same thing....life.  some bail out by taking away their sentence.  others pass the time with drugs or alcohol to numb the effects of the sentence.  still others keep themselves so busy that they don't notice it going by.  some spend their time making fun of others' sentences.  but a few, a beautiful few, actually embrace the sentence and make a show of it.  they enjoy and see the good in the sentence.  they give good to others.  we all get a life sentence.  what we make of it...that's up to us....but it affects the whole world.
blessings.

oh. the. beauty.

today was a difficult day.  needed a hug.  or something.  just some support.  it was a long and disheartening day.  don't really know why.  just wasn't feeling like a great success i guess.  but.  suddenly.  i remembered back to this morning.
this morning was absolutely beautiful.  ice on the trees.  a sky of blue with fog on the lake and the red sun just coming up.  and i took pictures.  and in my weary, difficult moments, i suddenly remembered and it made things so much better.
remembering beautiful blessings.
they are healing.  it was soul lifting.
have to store up those beautiful blessings so that i can pull them out when they are needed.
yes.  today was wearing.
but i was born up upon the beautiful blessings.

and then it gave me enough hope to see the beauty of that moment too.....

 a beautiful heart sculpted in ice on my car

what a special gift.  given to me

from sunrise to sunset. all day through.  beautiful blessings.  when the stress seeped in, i almost forgot, but thankfully, i've been building my muscles at noticing and creating beauty...and it paid off!

blessing!

perfect

here we are.  warm in the house.  snow outside.  very cold.  but we are warm.  all in one room.  two nights in a row.  not just for supper.  actually hanging out in one room.  yes, we are watching anne of green gables...a movie...but still, we are here.  the three of us.  not dispersed.  all happy. willing.  with our electronics.  but still, here we are.  and we are learning how to come back out from hiding.  tonight is perfect.  beautiful.  a beautiful blessing.
on to rango.  i've never seen it.  my son was summoned by his dad to help tow a car.  in the ice, snow, cold and dark.  weird.  but, not my thing.  daughter and i eating.  homemade rolls.  posole.  peach cobbler.
i have a pretty awesomely wonderful life.  painful times.  but complete and total  joy moments.
peaceful.  and i remember back to all of those years that i TRIED to have that sense.  and couldn't conjure it up.  too bad.  wish it had been different.  but i sure am glad that i've got it now.
back to dinner.  soup must be cooled a ittle by now.  yes, we are eating in front of the tv.  we NEVER do that.  really.  we eat at the kitchen counter and go our own ways.  but now...we are in her.  we are all cozy.  so, we each grabbed food to eat in our designated spot.
blessings.

beautiful blessings

i have been purposefully looking for beauty all around me these last weeks.  and even snapping photos.  i call them my beautiful blessings.  taking time to notice beauty in the mundane, common parts of my life leads to greater thankfulness and joy.  i snap photos.  i post them.  for me.  to remind me.  today, as a storm cloud rolled in on high winds while the sun was still shining, the beauty was striking.

i am so very blessed.  by simple things.  my daughter had shouted, "look, the sky is purple."  it's amazing how thankful i am that my kids notice things.  are aware.  i taught them that.  from the time that they were small.  i'm glad that i did.  little things can make a hard day better.  but sometimes we don't even notice the good.  we take it forgranted.  fail to see.  or appreciate.

so, my beautiful blessings are important to me.

like seeing my kids getting along and accomplishing a task...even if the task is getting rid of a dead skunk from under the porch. :) and doing it with laughter.  beautiful blessing right there.

seeing the sunrise five days a week.  i leave home at 6:50 every morning to take my kids to school.  i see the sunrise most days.  it's fabulous.  though morning is not my favorite. :)  this is definitely a beautiful blessing.

my dear dog.  i have three.  this is my old man.  he is always near me.  we rescued him almost three years ago.  he was nearly 8 then.  love this dog.  ace.  my beautiful blessing.

beautiful blessings.  i look for them.  i am forcing myself to be conscious of those things and people that i sometimes take in stride and forget how much i love it...or them.  i forget to be consciously thankful and instead act as if it is my right to have this wonderfully blessed life.

beautiful.

blessings.

to you.

oh well

i came nigh unto having a girl's night.  my heart soared. yippee.  but...appeared nobody was up for going.  so...i stayed home.  got out anne of green gables with my daughter.  set up our dvd player...been moving things around, so it was being stores.  then she got out her geometry and we worked through how to do transformations.  and about then, i got a message that they were indeed meeting. sigh. i have been so hungry to be with the girls.  yet.  now.  i am here with my kids. and this is beautiful as well.  yummy food.  good stuff.  warm home.  good company.
but oh oh oh...i so much wanted and have desired and hoped and wanted to spend time with other women.  my real friends.  sigh.  again.
breathe.
be glad.
create a happy night.
enjoy what is.
blessings.  

awake

i'm awake.
not just for today.
but as a lifestyle.
not living in the fog of abuse.
of unkindness.
and that is a splendid accomplishment.
sometimes i forget the courage that it took to get here
and focus on the shame of having failed
failed standards
failed beliefs
failed those i care about
failed.
but what am i doing with the failure is what really matters.
where do i head?
what do i choose?
how do i live?
i've made blunders and failures since the big failure as well.
but somehow, they are ceasing to control me.
slowly.
it's as if i am relearning what it means to really live.  to really be a part of my own life.
to tune in.
to inhale the goodness.
to accept the fact
that life didn't turn out as i dreamed
or hoped
or planned
or prayed for.
that i indeed failed in all of those ways
but that the failure is not wasted
if i grow
and change
and learn
and teach
and go forward step by step
to the woman that god created me to be
towards the daily purposes that he has for me
the delicious and fragrant plans that he has for me
beyond what i can imagine
i am awake
yet dreaming
dreaming who i will be
today
this day
what i may do
today
this day
this gift
this moment
and this
and this
and i work hard to change
to become
to pray to be who he wants me to be
to find the rough edges
because god (literally god) knows
there are loads of them
but he doesn't like me less
care for me less
love me less
as a matter of fact
he adores me as i become more and more
his
completely aware of how frail i am
how weak
how unable to be
or do
or accomplish
anything on my own
but everything with him
and i don't have to pretend
or act "christian"
i AM christian
and christian doesn't mean
having it all together
having a set answer
knowing all of the answers
getting it right
it means
being honest with myself about myself
and exactly what it took for god
to redeem me
and not to minimize it
be pretending that i really
had it all together
and he could just be an after thought
he is so much more
he is life
and breath
and hope
and love
and dreams
and vision
and strength
and power
and comfort
and life
he IS life
and he is pleased with me
each minute that i say yes
each moment that i risk being different
to be how he made me
to exhibit the characteristics that he wants
to display in my life
not someone else's life
he has them for that
but he has things that he wants to show through me
in my life
as it is
genuine
real
and i have to be vulnerable to do that
and i have to be sensitive
and open to pain
because it makes me open
to joy
as well
to peace
to kindness
to being known.
and frankly,
life has been pretty hard lately.
i feel so alone on the earth.
like i can't even get a hug without it being awkward
it feels like i've been pushed aside
too difficult
like nobody wants to bother
standing up for someone
like me
what does like me mean?
i wonder
almost daily
i wonder
why would they choose to not take my side
to not choose me fully over
someone who was so terribly unkind
so fake
so mean
so jealous
why?
because it's easier
because sitting on the fence is more comfortable to them
because they can feel
fair.
i do get it.
but i still am hurt.
i do get it.
but it doesn't keep me from missing
those of my past
my foundation friends
the constants.
because really
they don't call
stop by
hang out
come for coffee
sit around and chat
ask deep questions
they have
withdrawn from me
and beyond the big failure
i have had to learn to deal with this
sense of failure as well.
failing to be a
good enough
friend
that i would matter
enough
when times
got stinking hard
but instead of belittling myself
i have set about being who
i am created to be
and to forgiving myself
and to being kind to myself
because though it may be
my fault
it doesn't make it hurt less.
life has been hard.
but i am
awake.
a full participant
taking full responsibility
for my life
for my walk
for my journey
for my decisions
for my faith
for my joy
for my hope
for my going on
even if
each day
i have to face anew
that failure
of having not
been enough
to matter now
when i need it most.
instead
i will learn how to be
a true and good friend
and maybe in the future
when i have failed again
and i surely will
i will find that
i didn't
fail
in having friends
that will embrace me
no matter what.
i am awake.
i see.
i know.
i dream.
i hope.
while awake.
and it makes my sleep good.
and my dreams pleasant.
it makes me productive.
though i am wistful
for what i wish i would have
made
i accept where i am
how i am
who i am
and keep my eyes open
to see where i
need to go
i will remain
awake.
present.
blessings.  to you.

my ex

my ex holds too many keys to drive me crazy.
it's time to change the locks.
to change the ignition.
to choose to not be reached by his tactics.
it's hard.
he seems to find out what i've said to others...or here.
it's weird.
who tells him what i have to say?
or told him of this safe place?
or tries to make him feel better by telling him by business?
why is he so looked after?
so cared for?
he was not nice to me.
he acts like he was.
but he caused so much pain.
he made so many conscious choices to cause grief.
he was angry.
and difficult to make happy.
and jealous.
but he acted so nice.
and outgoing.
underneath,
he simmered.
he scared me after time.
at first i didn't realize.
didn't see.
felt something was amiss.
but just kept praying that i would be a better wife.
never better enough, apparently.
maybe there is someone that he can just simply love
or maybe he just can't.
maybe he always has to hold things over someone.
compete.
and he still does it.
though we are apart.
pushes.
never communicates things to me.
uses the kids.
knows that they are a weak point.
does the same with my friends.
and sometimes i succumb to the
game.
the prods.
i take the bait.
get irritated.
hurt.
feel small.
again.
he isn't thoughtful.
doesn't ask me for things from my house.
goes around me.
asks the kids.
sends our son.
loans out stuff from the house and tells people to come here to get it.
won't take the stuff he wants.
says he can't store it.
won't give it up either.
tries to make it impossible for me.
because he knows that i'm not heartless.
he uses that against me.
tries to push me.
then he can say how mean i was.
show people how unfair i am.
again.
i divorced him, you know.
he doesn't understand, he tells them.
he doesn't know why, he says.
he wears his wedding ring
and acts like somehow he is being religious.
more christian than me.
and i suppose he is.
he won't share our church.
i tried to say let's take every other week.
but on my week, he would sit behind me.
awkward.
and he would act like he didn't understand.
wounded.
i guess that i'm having a rough night.
he's making plans with the kids day in and day out.
he refused to take any specific days.
but takes when he wants...without notice.
but then he behaves to everyone else as if he's taking responsibility.
like he's dad of the year.
nothing has changed.
except that i don't have to live with it.
and though he pretend that he's still married by wearing his ring
it's a farce.
a fake.
and maybe eventually others will see
how he uses things
and people
and how he refuses to actually have a relationship
or to work things out
but simply wants to control stuff
and his family
and show them off
and show off how good he is.
yep. he pushed my buttons today.
but i'm working through it.
figuring out how to be proactive.
how to deal with the way he pokes and prods.
and never ever simply emails me to say
"can i"
"would it be alright if"
"are you"
nope.
just like with graduation.
he made plans with his family.
for his son.
without asking his son.
assuming that they wouldn't be welcome
but didn't ask
aaaaahhhhhh.
what a jerk.
look....i've improved my language.
i don't like him much.
he is hurtful.
and he uses his divorce to reap benefits.
and he sucks people into feeling sorry for him.
and he kisses up to all of our old friends
and leaves none
absolutely none
untouched.
i am appalled at how he has reached out to every single person we've known
including my family
and my best friends.
it startles me still when i find out another one
but it shouldn't
because he didn't even leave my besties for me.
no grace.
no exit.
no kindness
no understanding
just the same as he has been
all about himself.
competing.
needing to win.
and that is why i've had to learn to change how i respond
how i live
how i find joy
because he doesn't choose to change
he chooses to appear as if he's been harmed
when in reality he did the damage
he did the breaking
he did the hurting
and he has never taken responsibility for that
and he crushed our son
and he doesn't take ownership for that
and he wasn't a part of the family
he was his own person and we were six
and he came in and out as he chose
he was his own circle
while we functioned as one
not he and i
the kids and i
he always had a different life
things that were more important
and until i had other things
he didn't notice me
but when i had other things
he became jealous
quietly
horribly
jealous
he couldn't ever stand me to have
anything he didn't have
nothing.
so,
it makes sense why he now has to scoop up all of our friends
it just wouldn't be in his nature to let go
to give in
to do something simply because it makes me happy
never did before.
don't know why i even think that it will happen now.
he's an interesting man
smart
nice looking
charming
funny.
and he makes me shake.
a pit in my stomach
head pound
teeth grit.
need a blanket
that's what happened again today
but i put it aside
until now
because i had things to do
and at least i've come far enough that i can shove it aside until i'm ready
to deal with it!
that's progress!!
ok.
done whining.
better here
than in the world i live in
because here i can just say it and leave it
and be done with it
and not hurt anyone that i know.
and not be hurt by the fact that everyone i know chooses him....
even if they choose me too
it's horrible
i absolutely hate that
and i hate that he doesn't back away gracefully
not from anything or anyone.
and he even was a jerk with MY family.
i forget sometimes
how bad it was
i get so happy with now.
and the details fade
and then there's that trigger
and oh my
do i remember
like the flash of a camera lighting it up
off to a show and warm comforters
maybe a glass of wine.
good night.
be well.
blessings.

joy

joy. joy. joy.
of heart.
of soul.
through the tears.
through the years.
joy.
full joy.
abiding joy.
i cling to it.
hold it close.
like a warm blanket.
joy.
though everything seems so hard.
though i walk on my own.
though i spend my days in my own company.
still.
joy.
peace.
smile.
tears.
matters not.
for joy has taken hold of my soul.
and no matter what else the complete filling of me with
joy
is complete.
never to be changed.
never to go back.
i've tasted it.
i do all that is required to abide with it still.
even when
nobody understands
nor hears
nor sees me.
it matters not.
joy is within.
filling to overflowing.
a blessing of the highest order.
a gift.
i love that.
i am thankful.
deeply so.
blessings to you.

good

we are good at making good out of the oh my goodness.  of seeing the hilarious in the midst in the midst of the trouble. really good at it.  my kids and i.  we rock.
today the house filled with smoke.  flue had been accidentally closed.  i mean REALLY filled.  horribly.  while my daughter was sitting on the front porch breathing the fresh air, she saw the skunk tail sticking out from under the porch...
it was dead.
something had obviously tried to pull it out from under the porch at some point.  there has been snow.  just now visible.  ew.  but, as is our tradition, we jumped into the job with relish and laughter...and a camera of course!  my son was the hero.  my daughter the cheerleader.  me the recorder of a possibly bad moment being made a memory of adventure.
i still smell like smoke.  my eyes are crusty feeling.  but the house is mostly cleared.  the windows just got closed as the sun is setting.  thankfully, the temperature was in the mid sixties on this january day!  what a blessing.
i guess that somewhere along this road of life we learned this lesson.  to make good out of difficulty.  to revel in what  may seem...awful.  to take the hiccups of life and turn them into giggles.
i taught them this.  and of this fact, i am amazingly proud.
and today i got to talk with my 22 year old.  and i remembered why i cried so hard when he left.  when he went to college.  because we are similar.  :)  today we were facebooking and kept saying the exact same thing at the same time.  it was very funny.  weird even.  he has my weaknesses as well as my strengths.  so, it makes it good for us to be able to talk.
love these kids.  they amaze me.  even in the hard times.  especially in the hard times.
blessings.

hard facts

don't know why i still struggle with hard facts.  maybe because they are...hard? difficult.  the fact is that many of the people that i always considered friends now give me the cold shoulder. no reaching out from them.  and when i invite them or reach out, i almost have to feel guilty.  they don't answer or have a reason that they can't be there.  and mostly, i'm learning to just face it. but when it happens to my daughter?  it crushes me.  and i have to let it go.  have to let her learn to live through it as well.

weight.  on me.  sadness.  difficulty.  but, fact. and god will sustain her.  teach her.  reach out to her.  and he will be enough.

but frankly, sometimes i don't understand why some people are those that people reach out to.  even if they don't do more or help more or whatever.  just normal people.  guess we're not "normal"?  don't know what it is.

and i spent a long time weeping about it.  a long time feeling sorry for us.  a long time wondering what is wrong with us.  and finally, i wonder..."what is wrong with THEM"?  why do they not show more interest and compassion?  why do they not simply take the time to be a good friend?  why do they make it hard by drifting away, saying no, avoiding, ignoring?  why is it that my daughter invites but is rarely invited?  why is the same true for me?  and my son that is at home?  why aren't they kinder to them?  more nurturing?  why doesn't anyone bother to see how deeply they long to be understood?  that they love their dad.  but that it wasn't the kind of relationship that feeds their soul.  

i still cry when i see daddies doing daddy things with their kids.  like the daddy at the doctor's office the other day.  the daddy that calls me on the phone about his daughter.  the grandpa that says how much he adores his grandchildren.....to them.  the father embracing his daughter at the airport and her him.....weeping to leave one another. oh my goodness.  my kids have never known that kind of love from their father.  not that he doesn't love.  but he loves in a self motivated, performance way.  if you....then i love you more.  

and i guess others treat them that way too.  because they are ok now.  and that makes some people upset.  others just want to be loyal to their dad.  it's weird.  but it's a fact.  a hard one.

and i'll pray.  for them.  for me.  because hard facts they are.  and they tend to chip away at happy if i let them.  but i choose not to let them.  i will use those hard facts as the firm foundation for my new happy life.  for loving better.  for reaching out more.  even when i am misunderstood or taken for granted or even ignored. and sometimes i will just release.  without malice.  understanding that they are doing the best that they can.  and i will teach it to my children.  but i won't pretend that it didn't happen.  i will validate their hurt.  because they do hurt.  and we don't have to be silent over such things anymore.  but, when my daughter cries, it rips out my heart.  and when my son says, "it's fine, it doesn't matter...." it squeezes my soul.  because it does matter to him.  and he tries so hard to be grown up and make it not matter.

inviting people in.  people who are hurting.  i used to do that.  then i became one of the hurting.  and somehow i had become so invisible over the years and i am so positive normally that people don't see the hurt.  hard fact.  but not insurmountable.

the ex doesn't help. and he was here today. talking to the neighbor.  having my son go get stuff out of the barn without asking me....again.  "whatever" i think.  and then i remember to be proactive.  ned to give him his stuff and be done with it.  seriously.  

take my own responsibility but not for others.  when they hurt me, it's not always my fault.  i have heard the weirdest words lately.  feels like i can't say anything right.  but i shouldn't have to try to sound right all of the time with my friends.  i don't know when it got so hard.

it just did.  hard.  fact.

blessings.

dislikes

usually i'm pretty positive.  i can find good most times.  but, i thought that i would share my dislikes.  i have a few.

i dislike to the nth degree mean people.  selfish, unkind, mean spirited, cruel, fake...mean.  people that you can't figure out where you stand.  that make you off balance. number one.  nothing else even comes close.  people who use, abuse or manipulate kids...top the list.  or my friends.  ditto.  top of the list.  want to kick their heinies.

wind. now, there's an exception...wind at the beach is acceptable.  other than that, wind is not on my good list.  maybe it reminds me of chaos??  it's uncomfortable and it gets everyone wound up and antsy.

cold.  i despise being really cold.  i like to be comfortable.  i don't like that hunkering down feeling.  curling up.  trying to get warm.  too many memories of bad times.

busyness.  i don't like constant running.  nor having to hurry in teaching my students.  i don't like a schedule that feels like it rules me.  probably also says why i like the back roads.

litter box cleaning.  having a litter box.  totally grosses me out.  i used to do it.  but, really it's yucky.

a teacher came in the other day and said "i'm done with so and so."  it was a student.  it made me done with the teacher.  teachers aren't "done" with students.  if they really are, they need to quit blaming the student, go to their boss and say "i can't do this" and get the kid the help they need.  frustration i get, but quitting on a kid is pretty mean.  expecting them to be as mature as you? um, they are the kid.

drivers who tailgate.  back off.  you don't get there that much faster anyway.

the fact that walmart has about 2 of 30 lanes open on any given day.  and nobody who will help me find what i need.  guess i know where those low prices come from.  that aren't always low.

dog sleeping on my pillows.  stinky.  not my favorite.  but i like the dog.....

when people put dishes on the counter and in the sink instead of in the already emptied dishwasher.....

well, there are my dislikes.  don't hate these things.  just would give them a dislike if there were a button.
i was looking at my dislikes to see how many things i'm ok with.  good with.  i was looking at the flip side.  and i figure it will help me be even more thankful.
blessings.

Today

today i walked out of work.  i stayed longer than my teacher friends.  i was carpooling.  they went for FAC...friday afternoon club.  as i crossed the parking lot it struck me.  i would have nothing planned nor anyone to hang out with.  i could have coffee with a friend and get home a little later.  but really, i need to remember to quit asking.  always feel so silly.  i mean, seriously, how many times does someone have to tell you no before you go, "oh, yeah, got it." ha.  yep, i feel a little silly as i succumbed to asking.  because i guess i dreaded the not being invited.  but the thing is that it's just part of being single.  and being an introvert.  i don't have 90 people hankering to hang out with me.  apparently, i don't really have any.  kind of funny really.  i spent a good many years hosting and having people over and i guess i never really noticed that i had failed to develop relationships that would withstand the earthquake of divorce.  i thought i had.  i am learning the obvious....if it's not happening, then i didn't.
i'm not sad.
there was a momentary catch of breath.  of knowing that i'm not........missed or hoped to be around or desired company.  i mean, i'm not a pariah, but i'm not the person that people say, "hey, wanna come in and have tea?"  i guess it's something i have to work on.  not sure that i really have the strength to do it at this stage of life.  i guess they will just have to take me or leave me.
nearly two years ago, i filed for a legal separation.  nearly.  not there yet.  come a long way.  and have a long way to go.
but today, i fought hard battles and won.  the battle of attitude.  the battle of kindness.  the battle of being happy.  i used every ounce of strength to choose a good attitude.  to choose to be kind.  to choose to be happy. and...to create good places for myself and for others.
to create a life that will be satisfying.  real.  genuine.  full.  it's not easy.  but it is filling.  sustaining.  life giving.
i was created to encourage.  to love.  to be....sensitive.  and i am.  sometimes to my detriment.  but i am funny and silly and fun and nice to be around when given relaxed time to do it in.  i need sharing.  but for now i'm just going to have to be patient.
today i realized that some of the things i thought were forever aren't.  even if people said that they were.  and that was a hard few moments.  because for the first time i actually knew that was true.  when nobody asks the deep stuff.  when nobody seeks you out.  when nobody says, "no, we need to REALLY talk."  well.  for me...it's hard.  but it is not life ending.  i'm not horrible.  i've been through a tough few years.  several years.  many years.  i am raw.  but i am also happy.  all mixed up together.  sometimes i feel embarrassed that i'm not the person asked to go or to visit.  sometimes i'm ashamed that nobody just calls me.  or texts me.  or writes me.  or emails me.  sometimes.  but i'm kinda mostly over it.
i'm a nice person.  quirky and weird.  but nice.  different.  but really loyal.  and maybe in time, it will change.  but for now, i just figure that i'm in a learning mode.  that i am in training for how to live even when things are super hard.  and i'm doing it.  anyway.
i hope that your night is great.  and if you find yourself alone like i will be...don't despair.  you are worthy.  you are beautiful. you have purpose.  right now you are just learning how to be content with yourself.
blessings.

choose. again. and again. and....you get the idea

i choose today to be happy.  to create happy. within me.  within the life around me.  at my school.  in my class.  on my team.  in my building.  in my home.  in my circle.
choose it.  again. over and over.  minute by minute.  it's easy to choose something else.  but i choose to create something i love.  a life that i love.
and i've also had to choose again and again to let go.  to allow others space.  to be happy even if others don't ever do the reaching out.  the asking.  the checking up.  and really...i've found genuine peace.  though i have to remind myself.  it comes so naturally to ask, to invite, to try.  but giving space to others allows them freedom.  and it's good for me to release and not try all of the time.  and to learn how to be happy.  simply happy.  how to create peace and contentment.  it has been hard for me. i crave connection.  even a hug.  i long to be..actually wanted...for me.  missed when i'm not fully present.  but it finally sunk in..things changed.  it isn't easy or wonderful that they did, but it is true.  and i have to make my life in the new reality.
and choosing food.  good food.  healthy food.  i also slip.  eat candy.  or pop tarts.  or oreos.  but less.  not binging on them.  and eating a LOT of veggies.  three meals a day.  that's pretty awesome!  i'm proud of me.
proud of me.  that feels really good.  every time i make the choice to be happy.  to see the good.  it's fabulous.
so wonderful this life i live.  somehow, making the choice to live through it ALL...every little bit...good bits and troubling bits.  so wonderful.
and the only thing that has changed is purposefully choosing.
life is still....HARD.  there are things in days that i look back on and think, "wow, i'm really amazing for handling that so well.  i CHOSE well."  and when i fail, i just change it right that moment that i realize what i'm doing.
choose.  again and again.  each little decision.  for each decision to be happy in the moment adds up to a happy life.
blessings.

each new day is a gift. choose.

good enough

was looking in the mirror this morning.  getting ready.  as we all do.  hair. check.  eyes. check.  face.  check.  clothes. check.
and i decided that it was good enough.
and then i stopped.
and i realized that i NEVER look at myself and think WOW.
never.
that's sad.
in an effort to not appear vain i think that women have bought into looking for their most hated features and criticizing them......instead of looking at themselves as a whole.  a whole person.  a beautiful person.
i was thinking today that for some people, i am the face of love.  i am comfort.  i am laughter.  and i need to start seeing myself like some of them might see me.
i need to start thinking of myself as beautiful.
not gonna be easy.
but i want to do it as a gift for my daughter.  because she will be middle aged one day.  and i want her to be more than just content with her body, i want her to be happy with it.
yep, i'm chubby.  yep, i'm gray.  yep, i'm a little wrinkled.  yep, my boobs are sagging.  yep, i've got cellulite.  yep, my eyebrows get too bushy.  yep, there are a lot of things that don't look like magazine models.  but i got to thinking today...who said that what they look like is the definition of beautiful?  couldn't beautiful be the woman that gave birth and nursed babies?  that played on the floor incessantly?  that got chubby making cookies and pudding with her kids?  that planned adventure?  that loved on people?  couldn't beautiful be the pounds that are carried from happy memories made?  i'm thinking that perhaps we are really warped about what beauty truly is...maybe so much so that we even fail to realize it.
so i'm going to try to remember what beautiful really is.  and yes, admit the things that are.  because the things that are don't mean that i am ugly or unacceptable.
going to work on this.  create a new self image.
blessings.

happy place

i remember that room in my soul where happy came to reside.  and tonight, as the "stuff" of life became so much...i went there.  i sat down.  i enjoyed the happy mood. the peacefulness. the laughter.  the knowing that all is well.  it was actually amazing.  like....it was a real place.  a place to talk.  to rest.  to be encouraged.  very good.  like food. i am thankful.
blessings.

stressed...but coping

what environment do i want to create?  hopeful.  peaceful.  kind.  generous. gentle. open. vulnerable. loving. genuine.
stress does not accommodate those things.  it destroys them.  same and even moreso for worry.
so i am learning to remember that circumstances don't last, but the results of choices that i make during the circumstances do.  i am learning to choose how to respond when difficult things happen.
and for some reason they come all in a row usually.  sickness, finances, emotions, relationships. bang bang bang bang.  and if i'm not careful, i've given up my design...my purposeful creating of something different.  i don't want to do that.  don't want to be like the waves of the ocean.  i want to be steady.
i called my ex on the phone today.  big step for me.  huge.  massive.  i was ever so brave.  he answered.  guess he was brave too.  i called to tell him how sick our daughter is.  it was hard for me.  he seems so disconnected to such things.  and, i guess that i wish that he had made a better relationship with her.  i told her this evening that i had called and let him know how sick she is.  but you know...i kind of thought he would have called, texted, emailed, or facebooked.  ya know??  something.  about her.  about making her day.  because she's a little down.  missing her friends.  her activities.  her...life.
and my son?  started coughing today.  really tired.  sigh.  and though it's unlikely that he has whooping cough...since TWO immunized kids in one family getting it would be..odd...it is making us all antsy.  you can feel it.  and i'm trying to just be kind.  get him rest.  do the mom stuff of niceness.  and maybe it's awful, but if he's sick...even with something else..it would be nice if they were home together. they both miss each other this year..him when she was doing basketball everyday and her now with him going to school and her being home alone.
and she's scared to be at home.
and i've been doing taxes.  to get fafsa done.  for THREE kids.  yikes.  really.  yikes. it will get done, but it's all a little overwhelming for some reason.  actually i have four going to be in college...but one does his own.
and school..data.  need i say more?  and meetings.  and a little boy that i cried about today.  and another one that i could cry about.  and i pray for them.  and hope for them.  and use so much emotional energy willing them to make it.  to thrive. to know that they are loved.  valuable.  valued.  and i don't even know how to express it to others.  not even a little bit.
and yet, i'm making it with a good attitude.  and when i begin to slip, i evaluate.  and decide.  because i want to create a life that is full of good.
i was brave today.
in so very many ways.
and while there's nobody to celebrate with...
that doesn't keep me from celebrating what is true and good.
so i will.
and i will go to bed early.
blessings.

whooping

cough.  that pretty much is the least of the trouble with whooping cough.  the tiredness has been sucking my daughter dry.  she is worn out.  happy to stay in bed.  happy to snooze.  happy to be in the dark under her covers.  she doesn't get good enough sleep.  worn out.  took her to the doctor today.  three to six weeks of feeling lousy.  coughing can last for months.  and, yes, she is immunized.  so, maybe she will get well faster.  but the good news is that actually having the disease means she's immunized more strongly.
on antibiotics  not for her.  for others.  it's five days until she should go to school.  she is ok with sleeping.  unusual for her.  very.  strange.
glad i took her in.  we both feel better.
but boy....her brother and i have been coughing some. please oh please don't let me be that sick.
gotta take care of me. :) so i can take care of them.
blessings.

welcome to my home

i have spent years having people in my home.  there isn't much that delights me more than to have them settle in and make themselves at home.  i have learned to find quiet moments in the midst of the chaos to recharge my introvert self.  i have learned a new thing also.
while i made others welcome.  reached out.  served.  was hospitable.  i somehow forgot about myself.  i didn't do the special things for me.  for myself.  this morning i was going to do an invite for coffee, but it didn't work out.  i was anxious to show off my new living space.  it's probably just as well seeing as how i'm still in my jammies and puttering around.  but...normally i would have gone with a different plan.  i would have made do.  instead i made myself breakfast.  and special tea.  instead, i took some time just to breathe and remember what happy looks like.
i also rethought about my flooring.  decided to give myself time to decide.  you know...i like soft carpeted floors.  but...dogs, kids, food...creeps me out.  and i want to build a long farm table to put in that room.  hmm.  i think that i should think upon it some more.  i'm better at planning the living spaces than the eating spaces.  i'll figure it out though.  in the meantime, the paper i've ripped can also go for another floor that i need to do...and i'm learning new things.  it's fun.  not complete yet, but still good.
i am learning to welcome myself into my home.  it is taking practice.  i'm getting there.
and you?  i hope that you feel welcome somewhere....and especially in your own living place.
blessings.

happy warrior woman.

it's easy to back down. to hide.  to pretend that there's nothing up.  it's easy to find a way out.  harder to find a way through.  easier...until it becomes habit.  and until the emotional, social and courage muscles become weaker and weaker and there are more and more things to hide from.  to run away from.  until life completely overwhelms because there's no fight, no standing, no boundaries.  that's a very scary place.
scarier than stepping up.
not meanly.
not with malice.
with courage.
stepping up and being brave about who you are...and sharing it.
stepping up and saying no to people who speak unkindly.  who act unkindly.
i saw a movie last night about a southern family and the family reminded me so very much of my exes real life family...minus the extreme profanity.  it was  chilling, actually.  it was suddenly very clear to me what my family has lived through.  there are happy moments...with that family...and there is this huge underlying abyss that threatens to swallow all.  an abyss of fear and pettiness.  of dominating and ruling.  it's a horrible way to live.  i never quite figured out how to stand in that environment.  because all standing is considered mutiny.
but i have learned to step up.  on behalf of children.  on behalf of friends.  on behalf of myself.
to put my head up and my shoulders back and give it a shot.  not always great....but always a learning experience.
i am stepping up to create my own growth.
stepping up to give encouragement.
stepping up to show compassion.
stepping up to allow some people the kind opportunity to walk away from me.
stepping up is scary.  kind of.  but, as it turns out, in the big picture it is less scary than hiding, than complying, than backing down constantly....because as i step up, my muscles grow.  my courage increases.  after awhile it just feels like...living and not stepping up.  just feels...normal.
i want to step up.
in little things.
people probably won't even notice. but my heart will.  it will grow strong and courageous as i believe the one who gave me life....that he does not intend for me to live in fear.  i love faith in reality.  i love god in the battle.  in the day to day.  not a sermon.  but a testimony.  because he is taking me.....even me....and making a happy warrior woman.  gave me everything i need.  and sticks with me.
life is constantly amazingly beautiful.
blessings.

when happy comes

when happy comes, awareness changes. things become more clearly defined.
when happy comes, it's not with a wave of acting happy.  nor even does it have that much to do with the outward.  happy steals into the heart and curls up in a comfy chair and relaxes.  it's not busy nor is it's purpose to show others.  happy sits and waits for the owner to come and enjoy the peacefulness of what is.  it grabs a blanket and is willing to share.  happy comes in when the door is left open and it lights a fire and warms up the heart.
when happy comes, it's not with fanfare but with contentment.  nothing necessarily happens to make it come.  as a matter of fact, it has been known to come on some pretty ordinary and mundane days.  or, rather it seems to come on those days.  i think that it really has stolen in sooner, but is finally noticed and appreciated on those days.  the warmth is finally appreciated.
when happy comes the whole world changes but not one thing has changed.  happy changes perception and causes the hostess to realize that in the midst of life there is always a warm place in her heart.  she finds an oasis to run to when the world is unfair.
happy isn't work.  or actions.  happy just is.  happy is an action that occurs deep within.  when happy comes it is often mistaken by others as different things. because when happy comes, it frees the hostess to risk and give in her outer life because her inner life knows happy lives there.  and never leaves.  happy never leaves.  ever.  sometimes the owner may block off that area of the heart.  or renovate and forget to notice it's presence.  but happy does not abandon.  it sticks.  especially in bad times.  though others try to get the hostess to kick it out in times of drama trauma or dire circumstances.  happy never flees.  happy has no fear.  none.  happy knows that every day has some good and so does every person.  happy looks at these things.  these moments.  and grows larger.  happy feeds on good.  and like a ravenous pet pig, happy looks for good in order to grow.  to become bigger.  to warm the heart more.  to  be able to see more moments of good.
happy lingers in the heart even when unattended.  waiting to share it's news of good.  but it swells when tended to regularly.  and after awhile becomes  a trusted and most valuable friend.  able and willing to face real life with love and kindness.  with courage and commitment.  happy is humble but definitely not weak.
when happy comes reality becomes...more real.  it's easier to distinguish between mean and kind.  no matter what the gestures or words.  it's easier to be wise.
happy.  comes.
happy. has. come.
oh the simple pleasure of resting with it.
blessings.

rip and wrinkle

today was a pretty laid back day.  my big accomplishment was finishing 95% of my taxes and ripping and wrinkling brown paper.  gotta do my floor you know.  it's going to take..hundreds of chunks.  it's a big room.  and i have to rip not straight. harder than it sounds.  then, ball it up, open it and ball it up the other direction until it's soft like fabric.  tomorrow i'm going to put the stain on some of the pieces and see how that looks.  i still have to fill cracks.  i think i'll do it at night when dogs are going to bed and then will be crated during the day.  gotta plan for these things with creatures in the house. :)  include teens in the count.
i've had a relaxing day.  i'm jazzed still about yesterday's work. kids are not so great at oohing and ahhing, but that's ok.
still have to box up the rest of christmas.  it's the wrapping in newspaper that is so time consuming.  i'm getting there though....a bit at a time.  perhaps it will be thanksgiving when i finish and i can just begin unwrapping again.
i've spent another day all alone.  my daughter did come home just a bit ago.  she went to bed.  still feeling badly.  so, doctor for her tomorrow.  and an oil change for my car.  needs it badly.
i've been productive without being "busy".  not rushed.  not hurried.  and i'm not fussing about the time alone.  doesn't much phase me anymore.  there's a very happy thing.
content to rip and wrinkle paper.  that's novel for me.  but content is what i am.
blessings.

friends

while i find myself in a place in life where i don't quite fit in.  where people are not in the same place of life as i.  where i don't exactly draw people to wanting to hang out with me.  while these are all true....it's also true that i still have friends.  i know beautiful, wonderful people.  they are kind and gentle.  they give their hearts to others.  they are on journeys as well.  and while our journeys differ vastly right now, i am still, daily, thankful for them.  they make my life fuller.  richer.  they make me hopeful that one day i'll make it back to a place where i am more fun to be around.  these friends show me how good good can be.
no, i'm not the one invited, texted, called, visited.  not right now.  but just in case you think that i am isolated or without benefit of knowing good folks....i am not.  i am blessed by some amazing, creative, lovely souls.
and i know that at some point i will be one of those lovely souls again.
for now....i think that i'm just a drain to them.  that's ok.  i'm learning how to move ever forward.  i'll get there.  balance is coming.
i've had to do a lot of firsts this last year.  i've whined quite a lot.  cussed.  been rather.....unpleasant.  on the other hand......i have been real!  that's progress. now, to get to the point where real and pleasant are hand in hand.
time helps.
and my friends....they'll be around.  even if right now things are weird.
blessings.

relaxing

twinkle lights in my living room.  laying here on the sofa.  warm house.  glass of wine.
looking back.  remembering.  cowering inside.  but trying hard.  really hard. the many months...over a year...that i slept on this couch or on the floor in this very room.  i cried...nearly every night.  i could. not. breathe.  at all.  it was the most strangely difficult time of my life.
i've lived through so much but that time was horrifically worse than the other difficult times.  i was trying to keep something dead alive.  giving all of my energy.  prayers.  strength.  everything. and finding day after day........that i wasn't enough....wasn't acceptable.  wasn't smart enough......frugal enough....neat enough...crazy it was.  crazy making.  seriously horrible.
and i remember when he came into this space.  and said he was my husband and i belonged to him.  and i remember how i broke at that moment.  broke.  done.  finished.  forever.  not his to cherish. or nurture. or encourage.  his to own.  to have sex with.  to dominate.  i sat up on a footstool the rest of the night.  shaking.  trembling.  after that, i didn't sleep without my keys and my phone.  i slept in a recliner where he couldn't lay next to me.
i shake now.  my throat closes up.
most of the time, i forget about that time.
he apparently has.
because he makes it as if everything was hunky dory.  he just doesn't understand why i divorced him.  and he knows that by doing that he makes my life miserable.....because people dislike me for being so unkind...so unchristian.  but.  his attempt to make my life miserable only worked temporarily.
because though they believe him, i do not.  i bought into his ideas for too long.
however, now, even in this very room..i am safe.  i am happy.  i am growing.  and he is still a jerk.  he stil is all about him.
and though i'm mostly alone...i won't always be.  i will heal and be able to be a better friend to people again  eventually i will again be someone that others want to be with.  until then, i'll just get reacquainted with myself.  i'll learn to laugh and weep and think and be satisfied.  i will not assume that it is someone else's job to make me happy. i will take that responsibility.
i am relaxing.  though i forced myself to do something hard.  face a demon.  stomp it. crush it.  pray over this space and know that it's not the same anymore.  new.
doesn't feel at all the same.
and though it was a terrifying journey to the past....and though my brain and stomach and breathing suffered temporarily.  i did it.  and i walked on through.  i didn't get stuck
so i'm relaxing.  chilling.
yawning now.  gonna head to MY bedroom.  MY bed.  where i rest so much better.  lovely what good has come in two years.
blessings.

feet up

hard work.  feels good.  kinda tired.  but happy.  haven't even begun on the renovating...only the tear apart and put the furniture in one room part.  but i've made it comfy.  that's nice.

happy.

though i am tired.  though i spent the entire day on my own.  had not one moment of adult conversation.  none.  well...i could include talking to myself while i was moving the piano and pool table?  most of the day i was all alone without my teens as well.  wow.  images of what is to come.  though it's odd.  different.  not what i imagined.  though i had different hopes for my life.  i have determined that i will create happiness.  not only that, but joy.  i have decided that i will not wallow in self pity nor will i wish for what isn't.  i will simply move forward into each day and find good where i may.  purposefully.  intentionally.  every day.  

i will rest when i need to.  i will work hard too.  

i will learn to enjoy change.  and i will stick to what i need to do.  i will be proud of myself. not self condemning.  but i will also be truthful with myself.  i have a lot of things to work on.  i AM working on them.  i will not feel shame for needing to work on them.  i'm not there yet....and that's ok.

my feet are up.  i'm kinda tired.  ok.  really tired.  gonna be sore tomorrow.  i think that i'll have a glass of wine and watch a show.  

the by product of my effort?  i made a place in my home that i actually feel....at home...besides for my bedroom or kitchen.  now THAT'S  a productive day.

you are not alone you know...there are a lot of other christian women who have "failed".  and though the world becomes a strange and different place as you update your place and value and purpose....it is still a good place.  and god still has a plan for you.

blessings.

change

i am making changes in......just about everything.  beginning with in me.  creating an attitude that i can live with. creating ideas that motivate me to move forward.  creating a peaceful heart by paying attention to the things that make me ill at ease and taking care of myself in those moments.
i am creating a home that isn't what it was before.  it's easy to get caught up in just moving things around...but what about actually CHANGING things?  the look.  the feel.  the use.  that's what i'm about right now.  and it's really fun.
i am currently sitting in what used to be my living room.  then, after the ex moved out, i changed it into the kid's game room.  it has a pool table in it.  oh, and air hockey.  and now, it also has a love seat, two sitting chairs and a sleeper sofa.  it's a large room.  it's, um, cozy?  but, it works for the time being.  because i am in the process of completely emptying my old family room in an effort to decide exactly what i want to do with it.  i really want to put venetian plaster on the walls.  in a dove gray tone to go with the stone of my fireplace.  with lots of texture and undertones.  and i want to put down a papered floor.  also a lot of work.  but not beyond my ability.  not at all.  i can do these things.  and if i mess up?  ah.  well....um...does it really matter???  i tried and i learned.  that way i'll be better when i move on to the other rooms!  because i find that i have ideas.  pictures in my head.  i've never really taken the time to look at them because i was always expected to settle for something less.  expected to be content with how it was because we had it remodeled those um....well, it's about eight years ago now.  but right after that, there were things that i really disliked.  i have alleviated some of them, but now i want to move on to what is in my brain.
sitting here in this cozy room i actually find that i want to DO things more than i want to escape.  and that is good.  because i have had to simply rest under the comforter for a good long time.
i'm a little.....alone.  not exactly lonely.  but i do notice that i have to do things on my own.  that's ok.  i'll get there.  slowly.
change is freeing.  inspiring.  not just for the heck of it.  not because i'm expected to.  no.  because it's in my soul.  i'm changing from the inside out.
it feels really good.
not that i ever get to talk about it.  only you lucky ones get to hear of these mini mile stones.  but for me, they are like marathons.
blessings.

what words mean

i have been learning what words mean.  not foreign words.  just...regular words.
words like....can't....don't have time....
i have come to realize that when people say they can't or don't have time or are busy that it really means that they don't choose me.  they are choosing someone or something else.  bottom line is that we all have a given amount of time in any day, week, year, lifetime.  we CHOOSE what to do with the time.  what to work at.  what to play at.  and sometimes people do not choose us.  they choose activities or others.  they choose work.  they choose projects.
and what i've learned is that for a few in my life i know that i am genuinely interested and committed because i choose them over other things.  and today i realized that perhaps they just think that i have no other things when i do it......that i'm just fitting them around stuff when in reality i am choosing them over and before other things.
that's ok.  i haven't found a place in life where i'm chosen first.  where other stuff gets put aside.  but it turns out that i'm ok with realizing it and getting over it.  can't change it.  i'll just enjoy what i'm doing.  each day.  and who i'm choosing to be around.  and what i am accomplishing.
one day maybe ill be in the position that i am chosen.  cherished.  i don't mean romantically.  i just mean relationally.  with family.  with friends.  i am finding that my older children are learning this skill.  i teach it more and more intentionally.  put those you value ahead of other things.  put aside other plans.  put aside selfishness.  not always.  but do it to make someone feel valued.  chosen.  it's amazing how loudly it speaks!
so, now when i hear that people don't have time, have other plans are hanging out with umpteen others, have visitors, need to whatever....i know.....they are making a choice to do something that is not me.  if that is the norm then i need to evaluate.  perhaps i am not valued by them.  not when it's now and then, but with some people, it's the regular, standard answer.  if that's the case, i need to not be hurt.  i need to hear what's being said and get real.  "they're just not that interested in me."
sounds pathetic....but it's actually freeing.
blessings.

purpose

i have a sense of purpose.  of where i am going.  of where i am...and why.   i have a clue.  that's a nice thing.
today i woke up. i could have done as i have been known to do this last couple of years...turn on a show.  turn over and go back to sleep.  instead, i brought my dreams into my reality.  i want to learn to venetian plaster.  for real.  like a boss.  none of the crap looking stuff.  and i want to do floors.  uniquely and fun.  i want to get rid of stuff around my house.  i want to lose weight.  i don't want to go to a gym.
but you see, if i do the things that are my dreams then i can also achieve some of my other dreams.  getting up and getting moving will help me trim down.  getting rid of stuff will help me be ready when i want to travel. having my home look a way that pleases my sense will bring me peace...but so will the doing.
so, i'm up.  i'm wishing that i hadn't noticed last night that most of my calls on my phone were....to my kid's school for being sick.  that i hadn't noticed that the other calls and texts were if someone wanted something.  a smatteringdraws away my energy.  of one or two over months where someone was reaching out.  they are nice.  they aren't my norm.  i wish i hadn't noticed because it crushes me just a little bit.

oh well.  i can only move onward.  i have a life that i want to live.  a life that creates and gives and loves.  a life.  a real life.  and it is only given a day at a time.  i want to live it with laughter.  and work.  i want my work to be my play.  i want to do beautiful things.  i think that i can create some pretty amazing things.  i'm sure of it.  it will take time and effort and practice.  but there's something in me.  others don't really see it.  i don't either!  but i feel it.  sense it.  like when you know a storm is coming without seeing the clouds.  you just...know.  or when you wake up in the night and know that it has snowed without seeing it...the subtle change of light and sound.  it's just........there...though you can't put your finger on what it is or what has changed.  i want to have a home that speaks to my soul.  i want to learn to not be afraid of trying things.  i don't want unfinished projects. drives me crazy.
1. walls.

2. floors

3. cabinets

4. window coverings
5. new doors.
6.with new locks. :)
7. beauty.  as it strikes.  with color.  and texture.  i love texture.

8.  get rid.  don't need. don't want.  trash.  stuff.  clutter.  accumulation. be done.  let it go.  30 a day.
9. writing.  every single day. no days off.  no holidays.  every day. no matter what needs to come out.  like pooping...it's healthy. :)
10. cooking.  remember that i love to do it.  and eating.  no shortcuts.   the real deal.
11. coffee and tea.  invite. be invited....these will have to come eventually because as of now it's not too often, but still......in process.

12. speak.  kindly. gently. truthfully. encouragingly.  be real.
13. travel. but don't run away
14.  have faith that i was created for these things.  they are a list that "rolls off" of my tongue without effort.

15. go to the bank....seriously, i have to go, it's saturday on a three day weekend!
enjoy your day.
blessings.