44

forty four of my friends are my exes friend on facebook.  44.  wow.  i looked at the list and thought....oops, i need to keep my mouth shut tighter. and i probably should not have even looked.  something had clicked on my page and i went to his page and saw the number and felt obligated to look at which friends....i should know better.  at best, it just hurts my heart.  even now.  and tonight because i have stuff on my heart and nowhere to go.
i'm thinking of taking the kids out of town over spring break.  i could possibly use the away time.  i also need time in my house...trying to figure out which will be best.  i already found my affordable beach house that is way too big for us, but affords sight and sound of ocean with ping pong, tv's and pool table.  very close to beach.  near a cave and a river where seals congregate.  my heart just needs time.  i am totally healing, but trying to do it while doing everything else. some days I feel a need for time away.  time not having to do or be something.  but then, i look forward to getting things done to my house and around my home as well.  i have the house all arranged at the coast....just have to sign the papers.  guess i'll just talk to my kids and see what they think.  i'll be ok either way.  i always manage to get through.  i am fearless.
just sometimes i get tired of being knocked down.  it is disheartening to realize how really i need to NOT talk when i'm finally getting to the place that i want to speak.  killer.
my friends are beautiful.  i chose well. ;)  i'm just tired of having to tiptoe but see no way around it.