Better

Having tried again a couple of days ago to put my experience, my feelings, my hurts...to words, has helped me.  Not because I was successful, but because I felt more successful.  I am learning to articulate my pain.  To learn that it's ok to express it.  I don't feel like there's anyone who really wants to talk about it.  I feel like mostly what I get is "it's not that bad, right?"  It is meant in the best way.  Nobody is out there plotting to hurt me.  But...still...it hurts.  And I'm allowed to feel hurt over it.  It happened last weekend.  A friend that thought that it must be ok having him at church and my being there as well.  Just because I learn to make the best of something, just because I choose joy, just because I adapt and learn to move on....that does NOT mean that it's easy.  But I sure must make it look easy.  Good for me.  I am good at living and not being the victim.  I'm good at it....but it doesn't mean that it's not painful.  It doesn't mean that I don't deserve compassion or kindness.  I'm good at it.  I'm strong.  I'm smart.  I'm able.  But still.....some moments....I just want to shout, "get a clue! this is really really hard and i am doing a damn good job leaning on god and figuring it out a little bit at a time!"
I do feel better having put things to a few words.  I feel a little bit like I'm getting my balance.  And that is good.  Because I've been kind of....obnoxious in my fearlessness.  I don't want to be, but it's as if I've been pushing off the chains and ropes that have been entangling me and some of the things that I'm pushing at shouldn't be.  Balance.  Last year's word.  Fearless.  This year's word.  Combined, they are all kinds of awesome.
blessings.